Reset

RESET
verb \(ˌ)rē-ˈset\

: to move (something) back to an original place or position

: to put (a broken bone) back in the correct position for healing

: to put (a gem) into a new piece of jewelry

There comes a point when you have to take some time to press that "reset" button on your life. A time when you need to re-evaluate the path you are currently on and see if it's the best path for you now. If you are on a path and run into some brick walls that are unmovable, you may need to find a way around them or choose a different path. If you are on a path that is working and you are accomplishing what you want to...you are probably on the right path.

In my life right now, I am thinking it's definitely time to hit the reset button. Since November 2013, I have felt disengaged from everything I have done for years. I have felt lost, restless, and beyond stressed. While I have learned recently that menopause is now apart of my everyday life for the next few years, I refuse to believe that everything I have been feeling is completely related to that. I am still trying to get to the bottom of all the emotional stuff I have experienced, but I really believe part of the overwhelming emotions I have dealt with are from feeling like I am being taken advantage of.

So, as I write in my journal and pinpoint the emotions, I am learning more about myself. Maybe this is what the Universe has put in front of me so I can learn more about me as I get older. In my life, I have had to reinvent myself more times than I care to count. Through different phases of my life, I have had to make changes to fit in the life I was living. Whether the life styles were my choice or not, I had to make each one work for me. Now, is no different.

15 years ago, I made the choice to marry a man who grew up and lived his life a whole lot different than I did. He grew up with farming, livestock, and living in the middle of nowhere. I grew up outside of town in neighborhoods. I had a Dad that grew up on a farm, and taught me about gardening...but I didn't do much with any of the farm stuff. I spent most of my time in town or in the nearby cities. My plans included living in a city, on my own, with my own career and life. When I made the choice to venture away from family, finish college, and have a life that was truly my own, I never imagined it would become a permanent change. Not to mention, the changes that would leave me feeling so inadequate. I never imagined that there would times I would feel so lonely. I never imagined being so far removed from life outside our home, that being in public would give me so much anxiety. I never imagined being terrified of driving, yet longing to go on vacations/trips away from here.

While I take great pride in being a low-maintenance person, I do miss some of the frilly things I once had. I miss a career of my own, I miss being independent and self-providing what I wanted, I miss have nice clothes that don't consist of jeans, I miss having a pair of shoes for every occasion, I miss attending ballets/musicals, I miss spontaneous trips, I miss packing a lunch in my backpack and hiking all day, I miss Winters in the city-ice skating, the German village, and the Christmas lights. I miss feeling like I am able to take on the world, and knowing that I could accomplish what I set out to.

I felt so much in control of my life, years ago. Even facing changes was just another quest to conquer. I lived for adventure, thrills, and new experiences. There wasn't too much that frightened me, let alone would cause me to falter on my goals. I knew what I wanted from life, and I was going after it, and no one was going to stand in my way. I wasn't afraid of confrontation, I wasn't afraid of voicing my opinions, and I didn't care what anyone thought or said of me.

Now, Every bit of that seems foreign. I have zero control of my life, I am terrified of changes, I can't seem to accomplish any of my goals, I have no idea where my life is going, I hate confrontation now, I don't voice my opinions so I can keep the peace, and although I still don't care what others think of me, I do spend more time concerned with keeping the rumor mill/gossip at a minimum where I am concerned. I don't have friends that are super close anymore, since I have pretty much withdrawn from everyone. It's hard to talk to friends that live so far away, and don't understand the life I live. I don't live an exciting life by most standards so quite often it's easier for them to forget about me unless I am back near my home town. I miss spending time with most of them, but it's hard to do living this far away. I would love to go for a weekend with a bunch of friends, just to spend time visiting, but I seem to always get a guilt trip for doing anything that doesn't involve family. Whether it's intentional or not, it still happens.

I hope to be able to press the reset button on my life, and start to find a new path soon. I need to reinvent myself, yet again, and find a way forward again. This stuff of taking 2 steps forward and 6 backwards, has got to stop. I know that I need to find my inner peace again and find a place that I feel balanced again. While I have no idea how, I know that I need to. I need to find my feet, and begin taking more steps forward than backward.

It's time to reset, re-balance, and find my feet. I hope to share my journey with you all, and maybe my own journey will help someone else with their personal journey.

Until next time...
Salli