Well, a few things have become apparent to me. I'm stressed beyond my coping ability, my transition from child-bearing years to maturity is in full swing, and I have no idea how to handle any of it! It's like being on a roller coaster, that won't stop! The up and down waves, racing as fast as possible and it just won't stop!
I keep seeing the little e-card thing that came through on my news feed on Facebook. The one that that said something about how a woman's mind thinks. It said a woman's mind is like have 24,??? tabs open on your computer all at the same time. While I just laughed this off when I read it, lately that couldn't be more accurate! So, once again I am turning to writing/journaling to not only release some stress but also to try to help myself understand and move back to some common ground that I can comprehend.
I know every woman has transitions they go through in life. Each of them has their own signs/symptoms. My personal transition has become the one from child-bearing years to maturity. I was young, 26 to be exact, when I had a run-in with cervical cancer. The doctors at the time said this would lead to early perimenopause. Of course, it did. Here I am, just a handful of months before my 40th birthday, and hormone levels now say I have reached menopause. What does this mean? Well, let me tell you. All the crazy feelings I have had since October - depressed, restless, feeling like I am stretched beyond my limits, crying at the drop of a hat, and that doesn't even begin to account for the changes to my physical body...it all makes more sense now. The horrible night sweats, moods changing like flipping a switch, my almost carnal urge for organization and even the weight I have gained; it is all my own way of handling and trying to deal with the hormone changes my body is going through. Those 24,000 tabs open on a computer don't have anything on me!
I have spent several months trying to anaylize all the emotions, feelings, and thoughts I have dealt with. To me, logic and anaylsis are how I deal with everything. It has to make sense, it has to have facts to back it up and it has to feel right...in my own head, before it can. When I can not make sense of something, it eats at me and becomes a major thorn in my side. I know all women go through this stage eventually, but I also know that some experience the symptoms differently than others. Honestly, it is very dependent on your stress levels, and your diet. I know if I was still being seen by a regular physician, my symptoms at this point would have them pushing for hormone replacement therapy, since what I am currently experiencing is considered severe. However, my holistic doctor has me looking to diet, exercise, and a stress management coping device to stave off/minimize the symptoms - NATURALLY! So, I am on a new adventure. One that I am having to spend some much needed time on myself. Time to readjust so much, and focus on my own health more than normal. While I am still working on the schematics of everything, I know what I need to do, for me. Of course, once again, it will not be the common way of dealing with things. I just don't believe in most of it, but what has worked in the past. For all women that have or are currently going through this transition period, You are not crazy! You aren't losing your edge, you are making a life changing transition. With some guidance, friendship, and attention on your own part; you will make it through all this a better and stronger woman!
As for the stage I am in currently, Overload, seems to fit perfectly! My mind has those 24,000 tabs open, the house phone stuck in one ear, the cell phone stuck in the other ear, 3 people placing constant demands on me, knowing that I am responsible for caring for those 3 people plus myself, not to mention the throngs of animals we have, you throw in some extended family, friends that you only hear from when they want something, a business, college, my children's education, finances, and remodeling...you have a woman who is not only on the brink of tears every day, what one that just wants to shut down and shut everyone out. Knowing that I can't do that, just adds to my stress. Trying to make sense of everything going on, the remarks that normally I would ignore that now snowball into fits of rage, seeing my temperament control rapidly slipping, my patience getting even shorter, my unfounded fears becoming more, and my overall self-control has flown out the window!
I would love to say that I am strong enough to get everything back under control, and at some point I may, but right now...not so much! Right now, I feel out of control, lost, restless, irritated, taken for granted, moody, fearful, annoyed, and overall just horrible! I am told this will all lessen when I get the advised changes made and that my hormones will level back out. I am certainly ready to get there! I am just going to have to be very conscientious of my spoken words, thoughts and actions until I can level everything out.
All this news has given me some hope that I may eventually feel normal again. I know some of my readers are experiencing some of these same things. I hope my journey, and sharing my own experiences will help others to understand and recognize their own symptoms. As I make my transition, I hope to share what I am doing to curb these crazy hormones and improve my own emotional state.
Until next time...
Salli
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