A new chapter in my book of life.

When you have Christmas and a birthday over the course of time before New Year's, it gives you a unique opportunity to fore go the New Year's Resolutions. Over the 6 days from Christmas to New Year's, if you have a birthday, is the time to start your own fresh new year. Sure, the calendar start of a new year is January 1, but you can start your own personal new year; each year on your birthday.

Each year on January 1st, I coined the phrase, it's a new year and a new chapter to my life. I couldn't have been more wrong. No matter when your birthday is or what holiday or special occasion is going on; YOU can start a fresh new year. Whether it's today, or waiting until January 1st. There is no reason, if you are wanting to change something in your life, that you can't designate today as your fresh start. There is absolutely no reason, that you can't set your goals and decide that today is the day to begin again, to begin working toward your goals.

I absolutely abhor the idea of new year's resolutions. How many people actually follow through with goals they set on one of the drunkest nights of the year? How many people really want change enough to stick to their goals, UNTIL they are really ready to accept them? Not many!

So, I am changing my ideals, and starting my new chapter of life, on my 40th birthday. My goals, plans, expectations, and desires, have been changing for a few years now anyway. Why not begin sooner, and work toward everything with a renewed spirit and heart, on the day I came into this world?! Seems like a fair idea. I haven't made resolutions in years, because I don't follow through with them. I don't have the drive to make the permanent changes I need to make, when I know it won't matter because "no ever follows through with their resolutions." So, it's not as big of an issue when you fail. I am pretty hard on myself anyway, so any failure has always made my heart heavy. I was taught that failure was unacceptable. In my eyes as an adult, this is wrong. Failure, to me, now means that I have one way that didn't work...so, now it's time to try it a different way.

As someone who now lives a life that is completely different than I grew up, and not the life most live, I have found plenty of ways NOT to do things. I have slacked off on some of my expectations, desires, and even fore gone some of my own goals to allow for the life I lead to exist. I have allowed other individuals opinions to seep into my thoughts and caused me to second guess my own beliefs. With so much negativity in the air, it actually melded my own thoughts into the same negativity and caused me to reconsider everything I am attempting to accomplish. Some may call this empathy, and I do not have a better term for it. When those you are around, are negative and degrading; if you are around them enough you become just like them. Just as when you are around those like that, the thoughts you have of yourself become the same. I believe this is where the phrase, "misery loves company," comes into play. I have done this. There are days, I can't hardly stand to listen to my own self-conversations!

While I am taking a day or two to unwind from Christmas, and all the negativity in my own mind of the last few years, I am making the concerted effort to become the person I was meant to be. The person I had started becoming just a few years ago, before too much negativity. I am writing down my goals, dreams, desires, and plans; that I am going to make for ME. Not because someone else wants me to, not because I want to blend into society, not because some may believe I'm weird...I am making changes for ME, and because I know I can be so much more than what I have become. I am unique, and just blending in with the crowd, doesn't work for me. I have always loved my more eccentric side. I have dreamed of becoming the best I could be, without just being another face in the crowd. My goals have always driven me to do whatever I needed to do to accomplish them. It's just the last few years that have taken their toll. It's the last few years that have had me second guessing myself, and giving in to the negativity and outside opinion. It's time to change that, and the only one who can accomplish that change, is ME! I am not someone who can blend into a clique, or even a specific group.

It's funny for me to look at the last 2 years of my life. While I always take my responsibilities extremely series, that determination has taken on a whole life of its own. I have become the type of person I have always chuckled about. Too series, too overwhelmed, too scheduled, too "by-the-book!" As I write this, I am less than 30 hours from turning 40. I have become that person, that I couldn't stand to be around. The person who couldn't laugh at their errors, the person that had to have a schedule to survive, the person that got so overwhelmed it turned to depression, the person that had to look at the overall of society to determine if what they were doing was right or wrong. I really dislike those types of people and you know, when I look in the mirror...that is exactly what stares back at me. So, you can imagine the self-talk in my head. You can imagine nagging person that was there before, clawing and screaming to be set free again. The one that was driven by goals, desires, passions, and dreams; wanting and needing to come forth once again. The one that is there in the back of your mind, just shaking her head and saying "you don't need to be like everyone else...there's already too many of them. BE YOURSELF! Be yourself, and the right people will love you for who you really are. The right people will come into your life, at the perfect moment."

It's becoming a new era in my life, and it's time to begin again. It's time to lose the negativity and doubt, and just be the best ME I can be. It's time to re-evaluate the truth in my heart. I am eccentric, I am an outside-the-box thinker, I am an individual and there is no reason not to be. I have taught my kids to think for themselves, even when they are told by many that they need to be like others. I have taught my kids to find solutions to issues by following their heart. How bad is it, that I have not been following my own advice?!

As I wind down from Christmas, gear up to celebrate my 40th birthday :-), and begin to refocus on what I want; I am finding that my heart is feeling just a little bit lighter. I am finding that I am able to take easier breaths knowing that I am finally going to be allowing my own REAL personality to come through. I'm certain there will be obstacles, and there will be plenty of people doing their best to squash the goals I have. You know, that's ok. For each of those that go out of their way to bring negativity, and nay-saying to my life, there will be twice as many doing the exact opposite. I will have moments that I will question my path, and I'm sure I will have moments where I wonder if it's worth the fight, but I have never been one to give up easy - AND I DON'T INTEND TO START NOW!

Beginning December 28 2014 at 2:34 a.m., my newest chapter of my life will begin. It's my new chapter, my new decade, and it's going to be MY life. I asked for 2 things when this year began for my birthday: a night out dancing and a kick-ass birthday party to celebrate. (Yes, I am actually looking forward to turning 40!). One out of 2, I guess isn't too bad. Now, I am going to make all my wants, needs, dreams, goals and desires, come true. No one can make me happy if I am not happy with myself, and I haven't been. So, I am going to make myself happy.

Goals have always been such a big part of my life, and I have let them slip. I am going to change myself, for myself. I am setting new goals, focusing on what I need and want, and I am going to chase my dreams. Even if the changes I have to make for me, are a bit much for some, it's never too much when you are reclaiming your happiness. It's long past time to make changes, but it's never too late!

My life is beginning again, and this stuff of just existing and getting through each day, is over! I have the backbone, the will power, and the determination to accomplish ANYTHING I set out to do! This is my gift to myself, for my 40th birthday!

Let my new year begin!
~Sal~

Merry Christmas

As our children wake with hopeful eyes, and the excitement builds just a little bit more, we know Christmas Eve is upon. There is such a magic in the air, this time of year. The excitement of Santa visiting, knowing that our family will be together for Christmas, getting to spend time with some of our extended family, and the joy of knowing how happy our kids are is gift enough for me.

I don't believe in buying so much that it can't be covered by one paycheck. I don't believe gifts are really necessary at all. The most important part of all holidays for me, is spending time with those you love - family & friends. As adults, we are in the final stretch of chaos. Whether you are still shopping, cooking, wrapping or in my case...cleaning, tomorrow is Christmas. A day to not worry about the everyday stress, a day to spend loving your family and enjoying their company.

As we begin our flight of the bumblebee schedule for Christmas Eve, I look forward to time with my family and part of our extended family too. Wishing all of you, the happiest of times and warmest wishesh. Merry Christmas everyone!

~Salli~

Finding my spirit only to lose it again.

As Christmas is drawing near again, I have found my spirit faltering again. It's not that I do not want to have the spirit, and turn my house into a huge light show or have the inside look like Santa's workshop; I just have found that there is so much more to Christmas. I am trying to find my true spirit again. I have always loved Christmas. The decorating, warmth, family, cookies, food, basically...everything that I have remembered through the years that Christmas meant to me. Now though, I am trying to learn how to fit that amazing spirit into my own family. In a world that has become so fast, so disconnected.

Do you remember your best Christmas ever? Do you remember what made it so amazing? I can remember a few Christmas' that I would say were my most favorite. However, I think what I remember most, was how they made me feel. I can only remember a few gifts that I got through the years, but the years I remember most were feelings; not gifts.

With all the commercials, too much television, too much technology, and too many entitled thoughts; the whole attitude of Christmas has changed. Now, kids expect high dollar electronics, toys are extremely high priced, and made extremely cheap. Parents put themselves in a financial predicament to either buy the high priced stuff or the kids are disappointed and not very kind. Instead of kids being grateful for the gifts they do get, they whine or complain. The parents are just as much to blame by allowing the ungrateful behavior, and actually spending way too much on gifts.

In our house, we have always focused on Christmas being more about spending time with family and friends, and we have not ever spent more than $100 per kid for Christmas. We don't believe in spending ourselves into debt that will take until next Christmas to pay off or by saving all year, just to provide a huge amount of money to buy gifts that in less than 6 months will either be broke or forgotten about. We buy a few frivolous gifts, and the rest is stuff that we can use or need. We don't buy until we are broke. We bargain shop, depend on sales, and the last few years; have depended on online shopping to get more bang for our buck. That brings me to the lacking of Christmas spirit.

The last few years I have depended on online shopping, and waited until the very last minute shop. I have dreaded Christmas, even though I have tried so hard to put on a fake smile and keep the spirit alive for my kids. Honestly, last year and this year so far, I have failed miserably. I have cringed at putting up decorations, and honestly, just want to forget the day and move on. I know deep down, that's not entirely true, but without digging deep, that is the surface emotion I feel. I got away from the very spirit I have been trying to teach my kids. The spirit of giving, warmth, family and friends, baking and eating, not to mention that I have quit looking at Christmas through my kids eyes. I have allowed the cold, harsh, and cruelty of the outside world to infiltrate my thinking. The constant negativity of others thoughts, the greed of marketing, the constant push and pull of providing a happy Christmas season for our kids, while struggling with the everyday chaos of jobs, bills, family, and the meaningless business of being busy. It saddens me that we have all gotten so far from what's important.

The past 3 years, until this year, my family has hosted an Annual Christmas Open House. We invite our neighbors, family, and friends. I spend weeks baking cookies, candy, and the kids and I make other kinds of candy and dips. We spend time visiting with anyone that can be here. Last year, the weather was so crazy, that everything we planned was messed up. We had several major family illnesses and injuries, and I had a horrible time finding my spirit. I felt sorry for myself. I wanted to much to be in the spirit for Christmas but I just couldn't get there. We didn't even shop until just a few days before Christmas. This year, we have had this major remodel project going since February, and once again, everything was put on hold to allow for the mess we have had to deal with while remodeling. It's been crazy at best this year. Project after project...has put a hold on absolutely everything this year. Our regular bonfires didn't happen, the parties we had for the kids birthdays were stressful and not as enjoyable, and decorating for Christmas has been tragically difficult! I was excited to get the decorations up a week ago. We had family here to help decorate, we had a nice dinner, but as soon as our family left...so did most of the interest in decorating. The only one that still seems to have a ton of spirit, is my daughter. She is so excited for Christmas. Sadly, I have even gotten after her for being too excited. How pathetic is that?! How can you be too excited for Christmas? How can I fault a 5 year old with so much spirit, so much excitement, and so much love in her heart?! Sadly, I really don't fault her at all, it's my own lack of spirit that I have the fault with. Knowing that we still have so much to do with our remodeling, and that alone has really hampered any excitement I have had this year. All while knowing these projects are necessary, they are completely uprooting our lives.

This past week, I learned that my grandfather was having some pretty series health issues. Enough so that, he was in the hospital with an illness that is serious for a middle aged person, but can be detrimental to an elderly person. Living so far from my extended family, means that I am depending on second hand information on every event that happens with them. While living so far away does allow me a different perspective on events, it also makes life very frustrating when there is a health issue. It always feels like a tug of war between my family, and my extended family. I want to be there for my extended family every way I can, but I have such extreme guilt when I have to be away from my family to do so. While I have spent nearly a week trying to get enough information to make sense about my grandfather, I have worried constantly. Knowing that I need to make a trip home to see my grandfather for myself and know that if something does happen, at least I got to see him one more time. So I do not have the horrible regret of not doing so, like I have with my last grandfather that passed away. I also need to be at home with my family, taking care of things here and getting ready for Christmas. We not only have the Christmas season, it's also tax time, end of the year finance stuff, shopping, my birthday and this does not even cover the remodeling projects that have our lives turned upside down. Finances are always tight in December, and anything extra puts a huge bind on the budget. However, when something like an unexpected illness and trip appear, what do you think happens? You figure out a way to do what you feel is right. So, I am making a trip back home, alone, to see my grandfather for myself and do whatever I can to help! For several years, my Mom has been taking care of my grandfather as he has gotten older and required more attention. In addition, she has been in charge of raising my niece and nephew since they were babies and her husband lost his job of twenty some years only to be unemployed for a few years and get a job making a lot less than before the down sizing. While we have plenty of disagreements, I still recognize all the crap she gets thrown at her and all the responsibility she has resting on her shoulders. For a lot of people, it's easy to find fault in anything she does, but none of them are in her situation. So, now with grandpa in the hospital, my niece and nephew in middle and high school activities, and trying to get ready for Christmas, she is overwhelmed.

While I am up visiting my grandfather, I planned to help her with whatever I can while I am there. Even with the difficulty of leaving my family for a few days, I am hoping that by helping others, I will be able to find some spirit too. Maybe spending some time with at least part of my family, I will find the piece that I have felt is missing. Maybe in addition to seeing my grandfather and spending some time with him, I will be able to come home to my own family with a renewed spirit. Even though we will not host an open house this year, I will still be baking for our neighbors. Maybe this will help ease my heart against the terrible nagging feeling I have felt for a few months now. Maybe the few months of unease I have felt, was actually this illness taking hold of my grandfathers body. I am praying for a complete and fairly quick recovery for him. I am not naive though and I do understand at almost 90, sometimes a body gets tired of fighting. Selfishly, I'm hoping that his stubbornness and orneriness pull him through for several more years!

I have found some of my source for being kind of grinchy for a couple of years now, and it's time I figure out how to fix it. It's time to pull out of this dark cloud and find my happy again.

A little reminder to myself.