As Christmas is drawing near again, I have found my spirit faltering again. It's not that I do not want to have the spirit, and turn my house into a huge light show or have the inside look like Santa's workshop; I just have found that there is so much more to Christmas. I am trying to find my true spirit again. I have always loved Christmas. The decorating, warmth, family, cookies, food, basically...everything that I have remembered through the years that Christmas meant to me. Now though, I am trying to learn how to fit that amazing spirit into my own family. In a world that has become so fast, so disconnected.
Do you remember your best Christmas ever? Do you remember what made it so amazing? I can remember a few Christmas' that I would say were my most favorite. However, I think what I remember most, was how they made me feel. I can only remember a few gifts that I got through the years, but the years I remember most were feelings; not gifts.
With all the commercials, too much television, too much technology, and too many entitled thoughts; the whole attitude of Christmas has changed. Now, kids expect high dollar electronics, toys are extremely high priced, and made extremely cheap. Parents put themselves in a financial predicament to either buy the high priced stuff or the kids are disappointed and not very kind. Instead of kids being grateful for the gifts they do get, they whine or complain. The parents are just as much to blame by allowing the ungrateful behavior, and actually spending way too much on gifts.
In our house, we have always focused on Christmas being more about spending time with family and friends, and we have not ever spent more than $100 per kid for Christmas. We don't believe in spending ourselves into debt that will take until next Christmas to pay off or by saving all year, just to provide a huge amount of money to buy gifts that in less than 6 months will either be broke or forgotten about. We buy a few frivolous gifts, and the rest is stuff that we can use or need. We don't buy until we are broke. We bargain shop, depend on sales, and the last few years; have depended on online shopping to get more bang for our buck. That brings me to the lacking of Christmas spirit.
The last few years I have depended on online shopping, and waited until the very last minute shop. I have dreaded Christmas, even though I have tried so hard to put on a fake smile and keep the spirit alive for my kids. Honestly, last year and this year so far, I have failed miserably. I have cringed at putting up decorations, and honestly, just want to forget the day and move on. I know deep down, that's not entirely true, but without digging deep, that is the surface emotion I feel. I got away from the very spirit I have been trying to teach my kids. The spirit of giving, warmth, family and friends, baking and eating, not to mention that I have quit looking at Christmas through my kids eyes. I have allowed the cold, harsh, and cruelty of the outside world to infiltrate my thinking. The constant negativity of others thoughts, the greed of marketing, the constant push and pull of providing a happy Christmas season for our kids, while struggling with the everyday chaos of jobs, bills, family, and the meaningless business of being busy. It saddens me that we have all gotten so far from what's important.
The past 3 years, until this year, my family has hosted an Annual Christmas Open House. We invite our neighbors, family, and friends. I spend weeks baking cookies, candy, and the kids and I make other kinds of candy and dips. We spend time visiting with anyone that can be here. Last year, the weather was so crazy, that everything we planned was messed up. We had several major family illnesses and injuries, and I had a horrible time finding my spirit. I felt sorry for myself. I wanted to much to be in the spirit for Christmas but I just couldn't get there. We didn't even shop until just a few days before Christmas. This year, we have had this major remodel project going since February, and once again, everything was put on hold to allow for the mess we have had to deal with while remodeling. It's been crazy at best this year. Project after project...has put a hold on absolutely everything this year. Our regular bonfires didn't happen, the parties we had for the kids birthdays were stressful and not as enjoyable, and decorating for Christmas has been tragically difficult! I was excited to get the decorations up a week ago. We had family here to help decorate, we had a nice dinner, but as soon as our family left...so did most of the interest in decorating. The only one that still seems to have a ton of spirit, is my daughter. She is so excited for Christmas. Sadly, I have even gotten after her for being too excited. How pathetic is that?! How can you be too excited for Christmas? How can I fault a 5 year old with so much spirit, so much excitement, and so much love in her heart?! Sadly, I really don't fault her at all, it's my own lack of spirit that I have the fault with. Knowing that we still have so much to do with our remodeling, and that alone has really hampered any excitement I have had this year. All while knowing these projects are necessary, they are completely uprooting our lives.
This past week, I learned that my grandfather was having some pretty series health issues. Enough so that, he was in the hospital with an illness that is serious for a middle aged person, but can be detrimental to an elderly person. Living so far from my extended family, means that I am depending on second hand information on every event that happens with them. While living so far away does allow me a different perspective on events, it also makes life very frustrating when there is a health issue. It always feels like a tug of war between my family, and my extended family. I want to be there for my extended family every way I can, but I have such extreme guilt when I have to be away from my family to do so. While I have spent nearly a week trying to get enough information to make sense about my grandfather, I have worried constantly. Knowing that I need to make a trip home to see my grandfather for myself and know that if something does happen, at least I got to see him one more time. So I do not have the horrible regret of not doing so, like I have with my last grandfather that passed away. I also need to be at home with my family, taking care of things here and getting ready for Christmas. We not only have the Christmas season, it's also tax time, end of the year finance stuff, shopping, my birthday and this does not even cover the remodeling projects that have our lives turned upside down. Finances are always tight in December, and anything extra puts a huge bind on the budget. However, when something like an unexpected illness and trip appear, what do you think happens? You figure out a way to do what you feel is right. So, I am making a trip back home, alone, to see my grandfather for myself and do whatever I can to help! For several years, my Mom has been taking care of my grandfather as he has gotten older and required more attention. In addition, she has been in charge of raising my niece and nephew since they were babies and her husband lost his job of twenty some years only to be unemployed for a few years and get a job making a lot less than before the down sizing. While we have plenty of disagreements, I still recognize all the crap she gets thrown at her and all the responsibility she has resting on her shoulders. For a lot of people, it's easy to find fault in anything she does, but none of them are in her situation. So, now with grandpa in the hospital, my niece and nephew in middle and high school activities, and trying to get ready for Christmas, she is overwhelmed.
While I am up visiting my grandfather, I planned to help her with whatever I can while I am there. Even with the difficulty of leaving my family for a few days, I am hoping that by helping others, I will be able to find some spirit too. Maybe spending some time with at least part of my family, I will find the piece that I have felt is missing. Maybe in addition to seeing my grandfather and spending some time with him, I will be able to come home to my own family with a renewed spirit. Even though we will not host an open house this year, I will still be baking for our neighbors. Maybe this will help ease my heart against the terrible nagging feeling I have felt for a few months now. Maybe the few months of unease I have felt, was actually this illness taking hold of my grandfathers body. I am praying for a complete and fairly quick recovery for him. I am not naive though and I do understand at almost 90, sometimes a body gets tired of fighting. Selfishly, I'm hoping that his stubbornness and orneriness pull him through for several more years!
I have found some of my source for being kind of grinchy for a couple of years now, and it's time I figure out how to fix it. It's time to pull out of this dark cloud and find my happy again.
A little reminder to myself.
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