"Is someone else getting the best of you?"
Distractions seem to be everywhere. It seems that everyone has become easily distracted and giving their best everywhere else. When you have a job, you give your best there, when you have a relationship that is new; you put your best foot forward, when you have a family; at least in my household, I am best during the day. What we seem to forget or not pay attention to is the overall details of our lives.
In my household, we have this issue regularly. We have a regular job, the mom job, the teen job, the home education, the homestead, and livestock. I am very guilty of giving everything I have, all day, and by the time my husband gets home...I am completely wiped out and ready to drop. I have dreams and goals that I pursue, even if at a much slower pace than I would prefer, and I throw whatever energy I have left into that. By the time night falls, a few short conversations of "how was your day," and my mind either shuts off or goes into self-preservation mode. Meaning: I want more time to talk about any issues around our homestead, kids, or just life. OR I start down the selfish path of why can't the kids just go to sleep so I can spend some quality time with my husband.
The job my husband has isn't a typical job. Yes, he works regular hours...usually, but then there are the evening phones calls, the weekend phone calls, the holiday phone calls, the people that just show up at our house to discuss work, or any number of other distractions. Aside from his regular hours, everything else is just done without pay, or acknowledgement...but interfering in our home life. We will just get into a conversation and his phone will go off, we just sit down to dinner and the phone rings or someone shows up. Not to mention, the regular hours of putting up with inability, lack of work ethics, and ignorance; when he comes home in a horrible mood and my household has to bear that wrath.
So many times, we give our best during the daytime, and by evening we just want to unwind, and shut down. We just want to curl up in a cocoon and shut the world out. We have given so much of ourselves during the day, that there isn't anything left to give by nightfall.
In my household, I am home all day everyday. I have 2 kids, animals, housework, 3 meals, my school work, kids school work, and am constantly "entertaining" at least 1 child all day. Aside from a few short term jobs, I have been home everyday as a stay-at-home-mom, for over 14 years. So, for more than 14 years, my life has centered around my home and keeping it moving as best as possible. I make 3 meals a day, more snacks than I can count, do laundry, dishes, school work(that amounts to 5 plus hours 5 days a week, plus try to keep up with family, friends, our livestock, my gardens, and find time to do something I enjoy. By the time nighttime rolls around, my brain is fried, my communication skills are shot, my attitude sucks, and I just want quiet. No noise, no television, no phones, no technology, nothing! I don't want to visit, I don't want to deal with child drama, I don't want to do anything that requires me to have to think or feel. I just want to shut down completely. So, in my case, my children and household, get the best of me. I don't have much left to give to my husband by the evenings.
I'm sure it isn't much different for my husband. He has to deal with employees, and customers all day. I know many of the issues he deals with daily and he is wiped out by the time he gets home. He doesn't have much that has to be done here at home, so he can shut down. Although, the many phone calls and people that stop by our home for work issues, sometimes drags him out of that shut down.
Then I hear from others about them giving so much not only to their jobs, but also to relationships, kids, and any number of other things and I wonder how they do it! I know each of us has different priorities, but we all get the same 24 hours in a day. I don't have anything more to give.
My husband and I try to have coffee every morning together although we don't always, because our youngest child doesn't like to sleep. So, occasionally he won't wake me up. On those days, my days are off. I need that half hour to hour of adult conversation. I need that time to actually connect with him when there isn't noise, there isn't phones ringing or television noise, when there aren't little ears and we can actually communicate. Even if nothing of importance is said, we can be just us.
I have had a couple of nights that I have taken as a "girls night," in the last couple of years. This is nice, since we all know that communication with girl friends, is much different than that with our significant others. However nice, it's the lack of true quality time with my husband that plagues my thoughts and usually our girl conversations turn to any issues that should be discussed with our spouses, but we don't get the opportunity to. When we do get to go out and spend time with our spouses, there tends to be a myriad of things to still take care of. Sometimes, our date nights end up being a trip to multiple stores, and a nice dinner. Then we come home and crash. Or if there happens to be a DJ playing I can get a few hours doing what I love and supper...and then we come home and crash. It's become so difficult to get time to just sit, relax, talk and share; that by the time we actually do, we don't have much to say because we have drawn into our own little cocoons, or we just pass out from exhaustion.
I can't help but believe this is what is causing so many marriage failures today. Aside from the lack of conversation, it's a lack of time to slow down, and a lack of opportunity to still date our spouses. When you have young children, especially high maintenance children, the actual relationship between a husband and wife suffers almost insurmountable damage. I know there are plenty that will disagree with this, as they have figured out how to juggle everything, but I am not one of them. I have not figured out how to juggle time and energy for my kids, my husband, my extended family and friends. I have not been able to muster up enough energy to not feel completely and emotionally drained by the days end. I have not been able to steer clear of the harmful vices that get me through a day(i.e. cigarettes, too much caffine, etc.). I have not been able to maintain enough will power to not only eliminate the harmful vices, but to make and keep changes that allow me to have energy at the end of the day for my husband.
I believe, that relationships take a hell of a lot of work. They require constant effort to just keep them going let alone have them become great. If the efforts are put in, relationships begin to fail. Even if it's so minuet in the beginning, that it's almost unnoticeable. By the time it becomes noticeable, even to those involved, it's sometimes too late. Relationships between a man and a woman, are easy in the beginning. Both people have their best foot forward. Both people are trying and giving so much. It's when the cloak of newness wears off that the real work begins. I read an article about this crazy saying all over social media, about marrying their best friend. I can tell you, I did NOT marry my best friend, yes we were friends, but not best friends. My best friend, I love her to death, but not my thing! She's fun, crazy, loyal, honest, and we have shared more than half our lives together...good, bad and ugly! I married a man I had become friends with, a man that caught my attention for a reason I will never understand. I married a man that has BECOME one my best friends. While there are still plenty of things my best friend and talk about that I wouldn't with my husband...he honestly wouldn't want to know. We can be raunchy in our conversations, and sometimes too emotional too. However, I do not keep secrets from my husband and if he wanted to know, I would tell him about our conversations...although I know he would just roll his eyes and think we were crazy. There are things I discuss with him, that I would never discuss with anyone else though. I depend on his friendship just as much as I depend on my best friends!
I have seen so many relationships fail, and so many that are constantly on the verge of failure, that it has made me really take a step back. There are relationships I have seen fail lately, that have left me feeling quite a bit withdrawn. Every single one of them lately, within the last few years, has been long term relationships. Every one of them has surprised me to some degree. It has really made me question the validity of not only relationships, but marriage too. I will tell you that I have never been a big advocate for marriage. I have seen more marriages fail than I ever want to count. However, what I can understand about relationships, marriages or just long term relationships, is that working at them is required...by BOTH people. I know, in my own household, we can communicate but our communication styles are on opposite ends of the spectrum! While we may be saying the same thing, we are saying them completely different. In my household, my husband is very outspoken, gruff and when he's angry...he blows is top and it's usually over. I am more reserved, typically the quieter I get...the angrier I am. I am not one to blow up and be done. Once I am mad, I am mad all over and I will not be calming down anytime soon. When I feel like my spirit has been broken, or a dream has been crushed, I wander aimlessly for awhile until I can figure out a new path. I am someone who will remember something that was said or done to me as long as 30 years ago, and I may forgive but I will never forget or trust again. I may be friendly, but I won't allow those who have broken that trust to ever be close to me again. My husband is more of a "let it roll off your back," type of person. This differing personality traits may be what has allowed us to keep our 17 year relationship going, but it has also been the cause of many issues. With all the relationship struggles, I know ours is on firm ground for now, but it worries me that the firm ground could cave anytime.
I think as children, we are all read fair tales, and have the convoluted idea that once we grow up, we can have that "happily ever after." We can find our prince charming or princess, and everything will just fall into place for a perfect life. I think we are seriously mislead into believing that anything is forever. Marriage is just a piece a paper, through the legal system/religious rhelm. While some have found their perfect partner and managed to go through their married life together, the majority - atleast anymore, do not. When the statistics show that failed marriages now, total upwards of 60%...it's concerning to me. With more than 60% of all marriages ending in divorce, why on earth would anyone want to get married. That means 6 out of 10 marriages fail. The odds really aren't in our favor. With multiple marriages, shouldn't we learn the first time, that marriage doesn't work? I know religion says that living together is a sin, but to me, the truth is...it makes more sense. Supposedly, marriage is forever; "until death do you part." So how is it that any religion can accept divorce, let alone allow remarriages? In my eyes it's a double standard, a hypocrisy.
This blog isn't about religion really so I am moving on. Today, in our world, we accept marriage, we accept divorce and remarriage, we accept living together, and even most people today accept affairs. We accept other people telling us what is acceptable and what isn't. We accept that everything is as it appears. We accept people lying to us, even when we know the truth. We accept that, as adults, we shouldn't dream too big because it's just not possible. We accept taking on financial responsibilities that go against our common sense, and against our income. We accept that it "it's OK to keep up with the Jones'." What we seem to not accept: that people can live within their means, that people can survive without having 2 vehicles to every driver in the home, that people can love each other even if they are the same sex, that by spending more time focusing on our own households we don't have time to worry or judge anyone else. We seem to be in a phase of judging everyone for everything, yet getting pissy when someone judges us. We are more than happy to repeat some rumor that we have heard, instead of knowing the truth of the matter.
While our world seems to have completely lost it's minds, I can't help but think that the relationships everyone has, suffers when we give so much to everything else that there's nothing left to give at the end of the day. When we have so much that we need to focus on and take care of, the just isn't anything left. There's no energy, no time, no peace and no "want-to." You can't give something when it's not there to give.
For me, I can't continually give all my emotion, my physical strength, and my mental strength; when's it's completely drained from me by 4 in the afternoon. As much as I love my husband, I have nothing left to give by the end of the day. By the end of the day, I can't even muster up enough energy for myself let alone anyone or anything else. I love my life, and my children, but it all drains me. I am not one who will give up, until I absolutely can not do anymore. While I may be drained, I continue to have some thread of hope that will keep me moving on. It's when that last little thread of hope is gone, is when most relationships fail. As long as there is hope, there is still something to work with.
With relationships failing all around me, I have once again crawled into a bit of a shell. Some have left me feeling remorseful, some were surprising yet expected, and one in particular has left me feeling sad, unsure, and withdrawn. While I do understand the thoughts of that one, It still has me feeling a little unsure of how I should feel. As a friend explained, the child in me has to come to grips with it and go through a grieving process. While the adult in me understands, it still wants to jump in find out what is going on and try to understand. I know there is a lot that goes on behind closed doors, that no one would see. I also know there are two sides to every story. With that particular relationship, I have only heard one.
As we are all giving our best to everything, we can't forget to keep some on reserve to give to our spouses and family. I have no idea how to do this, so I won't even try speculate on that. I just know that when my husband and I go too long without time as a couple, our seemingly minor issues, become major. My own insecurities and needs, become the driving force for wanting more. I believe this is true for many, and the cause of many "retail therapy," sessions. We seem to keep trying to replace the emotional connections we need with material items we don't. Yes, it may feel great initially, but it doesn't last. We all have emotional needs, even if they aren't admitted, and when they are not being met; many will go in search of finding a fix to those needs even if it's through a temporary source. For some this may be retail therapy, others may turn to food, some turn alcohol or cigarettes, and some turn to other people. When any of those temporary sources become necessary, you know there are issues you are not dealing with. You know there are issues that need to be fixed. Everyone has issues to deal, some obviously more so than others, but there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. There is no possible way to put 2 separate people into a committed relationship without some sort of issue popping up. Ideally, two people will discuss their wants, needs, dreams, goals; prior to jumping into marriage. We all know how that goes, usually. We "fall in love," and everything is good; we date and everything is good...even the little quirks are cute; we move in together and things are good - the quirks are cute even if annoying; we get married- things are fine...for awhile; the more years that pass the more the quirks annoy, the more the outside influences annoy, the more drawn apart you become. By the time you have invested years of your life with someone, you are either still tolerant of the annoying quirks and or you decide you can't deal with quirks and other issues that have shown up, to boot.
In my family; both sets of my grandparents were married for years! They struggled, they fought through their issues, and they figured out how to handle their differences and issues. My parents divorced, and both remarried. While as an adult, I believe that my parents brought out the worst in each other, I know their marriage was up and down for MANY years. They both had issues that caused them to behave as they did. When they each remarried, I had hoped for happiness for them, even though as a kid, I had hoped they would find their way back together. Although I still believe they bring out the worst of each other! Of all my siblings(4 of us total), we have each found relationships that bring out the best and worst of us. We each have had someone in our life that was an anchor, and someone that allowed us to truly dream. 3 of us have had more than one marriage, and the one that hasn't - I hope will dissolve the issues they are faced with. I will never judge anyone for not staying in a relationship that they are not fully content with, but many do.
Relationships are pretty fickle sometimes. You can love someone completely, without liking them. As an adult, I have found that love does not solve everything, as we are lead to believe as children. Love really complicates things. You can love someone so much it hurts, but not be able to live with them. You can love someone completely yet not be able to be a part of their life completely. I fully believe, you can love more than one person but in completely different ways. We are quick to say we love someone, when if we really took a look at the feelings, it becomes more of a habit than love. We can quickly misconstrue love, habit and fear of being alone. I won't even get into a conversation about marriages of convenience!
I believe, if we truly looked at relationships realistically, we would see so many grey areas that we are not told about growing up. We would see that all the taboo subjects - even today, are completely realistic areas that should be discussed before jumping into marriage, especially! I think as we change, as individuals, throughout our lives, our needs change and so do our wants. If you have a strong relationship, it can evolve with the changes; if not, the relationships fall away.
This is part of a very introspective look at my own feelings the past few weeks. Many thoughts, emotions, and overall feelings have been shredded because of divorce/separation news. I still am not sure how to handle the news of one, completely, and I have been told there is nothing to handle. I have been told that there's nothing to feel. Unfortunately, for me there is. For me, my emotional axis has tilted and even though I understand...it's been difficult to accept. I am fortunate to have my husband to talk to, cry on his shoulder, and vent to, usually...sometimes, you just can't put words to emotions. Sometimes, the thoughts you want to express are so tangled in your head and you just can't sort them out. I am there.
I will end this blog with this: love is a powerful feeling. It can take you on a roller coaster of emotions. It can bring out the best of you, it can bring out the worst in you, it can bring you to knees, and it can leave a gaping hole in your heart when that love is not shared with the right person. Love and marriage are two separate entities that should be considered as such. You can definitely have one without the other, but if you can find both together you are lucky. Myself, I am finding that my view point on marriage is getting worse, and my view on love is continually evolving.
~Salli
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