Well, here we go. A coffee chat for the New Year. I am a firm believer, that there are no coincidences in life. Everything we go through, experience, and come across; is put there for a reason. Even if we aren't sure what the reason is. Just as I have allowed too many stressful situations take hold of me, I believe they exist merely to remind me of my strength, usually when I am feeling at my weakest. For me, I invest time and energy into situations, that I feel are worth while. When they turn out to be a farce, it unhinges me. I do not like to waste my precious time or energy on anything that is pointless. I don't need iron-clad guarantees, nor do I want or need perfection. I do need honesty, loyalty, respect and dependability. I try not to listen to gossip, and prefer hard facts over rumors. I tend to listen to gut instincts, and will keep opinionated thoughts to a minimum. I will have the facts in black and white before running my mouth. When I give my minimized opinions, it's typically because they are asked for or I care about someone too much to keep quiet. This coffee chat is about the changes I am making for me. Even though painful and heart breaking, a situation in December was my final straw, for stress that I could handle. I never thought I would see the day that anything or anyone could actually bring me to my knees, in pain. It did, but a few things did come out of it...I relearned how to turn off my emotions, and the ice I had let go of years ago, has returned - ten fold.
What a month January has proven to be. With just 5 days remaining, I am, overall, happy with the direction I am going. Years of stress, and not voicing what I needed to, has led to many uncharacteristic thoughts for me. Not to mention, some other stresses that sent me to my knees the last few years. All of it together, was my undoing. There wasn't one single stress that really sunk my attitude or spirit, but too many without a release. I love my time out dancing at a country bar, but I love my solitude too. I have found that I can lose myself in a good book, and let the story line carry me away from stresses that I deal with. I love nights around a bonfire, or starring at the stars. I love long conversations with great friends, usually over multiple pots of coffee. I love taking off with my camera and finding unique nature that catches my eyes. I love complete quiet spaces, my gardening, and even cooking. When life throws too much at me, and I can't get the release I need, I find myself not enjoying anything. Everything becomes a chore, or requires more effort that I have to give. I become run down, tired, frustrated, sick, overwhelmed, and all around negative.
My 41st birthday, began a fresh year for me. It was a time for me to take back my own will, life, and spirit. I began releasing the situations, people, and other hurts that weren't working. It has taken me almost a month to finally start releasing the strain of everything that has caused me stress, pain, or heartache. Since so much has cluttered my life for many years, and the past 3-4 years have been my breaking point, it feels good to start eliminating some of the areas that are not healthy for me. December was the straw that broke the camels back. Absolutely everything in my life that had caused one issue or another for me, came to a head. I reached the point of being fighting mad. I hadn't been that angry in nearly 20 years. I had another Christmas clouded by by bad memories, another birthday that may as well have been just another day, and New Year's Eve was heartbreaking...even with my birthday goals, I brought the new year in shattered. I knew in December that it was time to take out the trash, wipe my hands of anyone and everyone that wasn't able to meet my standards. I also knew, that my long controlled temper was on the verge of a meltdown, of epic proportions. I really think my family felt it too.
So, what has changed? Well, the rose colored glasses are now shattered. The ice I had in my veins for so many years, is back. Although, I think it has become substantially thicker. I can't and won't take anyone at their word anymore. By taking some at their word, too many have chosen to abuse my trust. Some have taken for granted that I will always be there. Some decided that being deceptive was a game they wanted to play. While others, just go about their days thinking they safe, because I have not yet lost my shit to them yet. While a select few, have proven that no what what the situation, they will there. They step up and have listened to me whine about everything; yet are more than happy to tell me to stop, and just listen to a different perspective for a minute.
As I am once again having to adapt to the changes life keeps throwing at me, I have questioned many times, what I ever did to deserve this. It's a pitiful thought, I know. I am only human. I question what exactly I am expected to learn from several that have done exactly what they said they wouldn't do. I don't like games. I prefer to have an idea of what to expect and not get thrown in a shark tank. I care too much for people and have always given more chances than I should. I usually get hurt in the process. No more chances, no more blind caring, no more taking people or situations at face value. Everything that has happened through the years, has lead me to where I am. My walls are higher than ever, my circle is smaller than ever, and the few that have proven I can trust them are more family to me than friends.
We are now 26 days into January, and although I am feeling more in control of my thoughts and actions again, I am reaching beyond my comfort zone, to just keep improving myself and my attitude. I have let go of so many toxic people from my life. I need to learn to balance what I need for me, and what I need to do for my family. I need to learn how to set boundaries with my family as well as those I do allow close to me. I have high expectations for those I associate with, but I try to return the same expectations I ask for. Words, do not mean much to me anymore. After so many scars, SHOW ME! Show me you can be trusted, show me that you respect me and prove to me that you will not take me for granted or use me.
Now, as I am moving forward, it seems the world just gets crazier by the day. I think the biggest problem I can see, is that so many people are oblivious to what it means to be truly happy, and being honest is something most don't expect anymore. When our politicians are constantly lying about one thing or another; the people are following suit. Happiness is equated to what is owned(financed), what the social status is, and how much money is made. People have no idea how to be alone and happy. People are jumping from one relationship to another, one job to another, and settling for what is considered normal. Myself, I am done settling! I am tired of settling of less than I deserve. If that makes me conceited, well, so be it. I am not a material person, so for me, I deserve respect, honesty, loyalty, and being treated right. I do not deserve being lied to, taken for granted, being used, and being deceived.
It's time for more people to open their eyes. It's time for honesty to prevail. It's time to treat others with respect, when it's earned. For me, it's a time stake claim to the person I have buried within myself for so many years. It's time to not only lose the baggage that has weighed me down for years, but also to reassemble the shattered pieces that have fallen within my soul.
I am moving forward, with my eyes wide open. It's been a great month of discovery. I may not ever be perfect, but those I care for know, I will do everything I can to help them. I will always be honest with them. I suppose if you can't handle the truth, or my opinion, then being around me isn't the best place to be. It is what it is. Take me as I am or walk away. Just know, if you walk away, there's no coming back.
It's a great time of regeneration. I am finding my strength in phases, and it's getting stronger everyday!
Salli
No comments:
Post a Comment