Well, here we are, 3 days shy of a month on our extended camping stay. Let me tell you, the way I remember camp grounds being, and how they are here...are completely different! Our camp ground is nice, quiet - sort of, and feels safe. It's right along a major local highway, so there is always, always, road noise! Otherwise, the camp ground itself is quiet. As in, no one visits, rarely do you actually see people, and there is nothing for kids to do! It is beautiful. Lots of tall, mature trees, a nice pet area, laundry facilities onsite, shower house onsite, and for the most part is well taken care of. We are right along the frontage road, but at the very back end of the campground, where they put people planning for extended stays. There are several of us, extended stays. However, there are no bonfires allowed, no playground equipment, no pools or such. There is a large grass area in the circle part of the drive by our camper, where the kids can and do play wiffle ball, Frisbee, or kick a ball around. The bugs are atrocious! There are so many bugs I have never seen before! The trade off is the small wildlife I enjoy everyday. Squirrels bouncing from tree to tree, and 2 ran over my foot this morning playing. A little chipmunk that popped out from under the grill the other day to say hello. The amazing birds, and their songs, and the vibrant red cardinal that appears every few days is amazing! With the amazing wildlife, also is the massive spiders that freak me out, the damned flies that have a death wish, and oak mites that have eaten my daughter and I's legs and feet clear raw!
As far as the whole camping experience goes, it's not been bad. I have had my moments that I want to throw in the towel and go back to our house and have the comforts I have had again. I miss having space to ship everyone to, when I need some time alone. I REALLY miss my big bath tub and hot showers! I miss my full size stove and oven, and cooking normal meals. Most of all, I miss the quiet, peaceful deck, where I could meditate or do yoga, or just sit quietly and think. But, now I have to share my epiphany from yesterday. This is huge, so enjoy!
You all know how hard this transition has been for me. The 25 days we have been here, as of yesterday, I had had one day that I haven't been in tears at some point. I miss my home, believe me, it was super hard to drive away from it. However, my home was only a home, when we shared it as a family. Although it was home to the kids and I for 3 months after my husband began his job here, it really didn't feel like a home anymore. Yes, the idea of spending more than a month or two in a camper, has me full of anxiety! I am not handling the tight space or lack of hot water well. However, It has become our temporary home. We eat dinner together almost every night, the kids and I have our dad/husband everyday. Even though we got here in just enough time to get the U-Haul trailer emptied, and my husbands long hours began. I do not know anyone, and I do not know my way around. I have been terrified of not finding my way, let alone finding my way back to the campground. None of this even begins to touch on having to relearn to live together, all of us.
For 3 months, the kids and I adapted to a new way of life, new schedules, and new ways of doing things that worked for us. After my husband began his new job, it took about a month to finally be able to take the reigns and do what needed to be done. By the 3rd month, I still missed our family time, and the way things had been for years, but I had control of everything. Adjusting to living in a camper, no matter how temporary, is a feat in and amongst itself. You throw that in with relearning to live as a complete family unit after 3 months apart, and you chaos. He was staying down here, living with friends, his responsibilities included going to work. The kids and I had the livestock, and the dogs, the house and the yard under control. I kept up with finances for both places, kept up with groceries, meals, laundry, packing, playing the part of a real estate sales person. I was usually busy, and even though it was a struggle, I did ok. Learning to co-inhabit again, especially in a camper, has been hard too. It's just been a different kind of hard. There isn't much space in our camper. Although it has a great slide-out with the sofa and dinette/benches, everything else is crammed into 8' X 30'. That includes the dollhouse kitchen, bathroom, queen size master area, and the area where the television is. When you get 4 people in that tiny space, it gets really crowded, really quick! After having a home with 2 bathrooms, sharing the tiny space of a single bathroom, is a big challenge. Add that with a 6 gallon hot water heater, and it's trying. A sink of dishes takes all the hot water. You get about 5-6 minutes to take a shower. Living in a camper, becomes a quick test of how well you can handle regular motion too! With 3 people that clomp when they walk, it sounds like a herd of elephants walking through it, and I don't think the motion would be too bad...if we were in a boat! So, with the movement of the camper, throws in another challenge. If you are reading this, and have issues talking about inimate subjects...you may want to stop reading! The idea of a married couple, in a camper, with 2 children at the other end of it... the idea of sex isn't really fun. Knowing that just walking moves the camper, you can only imagine how the damned thing will rock with that! Not to mention that you can literally talk from one end of the camper to the other, so the kids will hear everything! So, that nicely wrapped little monkey wrench, added to re-learning to live as a family again, added with massive boredom, and you have recipe for a tough time. However, here's another little niche. When you are like me, someone who cooks only large batches or cans foods, gardens, etc. You do not own ANYTHING small enough to use the dollhouse stove/oven provided in a camper. Not to mention the cute little refrigerators! Storage for staying in one long term, is no where close to enough, and the onsite laundry facility is only a minuscule fraction of what it needs to be!
Looking at the long term plans, has had me concerned. The finances, having to pay here and for our house has me worried sick, and the cost of having to live the way we are is not even close to sustainable. Buying groceries, has to be done every 3-4 days, since there isn't storage for more. Buying groceries like that costs a fortune! Having to use a laundry mat 1-2 times a week is not only costly, but a huge time zapper! Being bored out of our minds is not only an energy vampire, but weakens my moral. The kids and I are at the camper almost all day, everyday. They go play ball or play on the video games, but I have nothing and no one to talk to. So, I sit here all day, taking care of the kids, meals, constantly cleaning to try to keep some space in the camper. I can find my way to the laundry mat, bank and Wal-Mart, my sense of direction is all sorts of messed up, the kids want to visit with their dad when he gets in from work, so they are constantly under foot. We literally have less 2 hours together, that isn't spent sleeping, without young ears, each day. About a half hour each morning, and about an hour each night. The weekends have included my husband working 5-8 hours on Saturday, the afternoons are full of having to run to his friends house to take care of his dogs, and Sundays have been spent running errands, or fixing my truck. We got to go to a rodeo the Friday after we got here, the following weekend we drove past a piece of property for sale, and last weekend was fixing my truck. I actually got more quality time with him, when we were living apart and seeing each other only every other weekend. Now, it's one kid or another trying to get his attention, meals, showers, and bed. He's working long hours, so he is tired, and I get that. However, the lack of conversation for me, and lack of any hobbies I can do; are proving to be a lot harder on me than anything else.
I bought 2 new crochet needles and some yarn. That lasted all of about an hour before I was sick of that. I can not sit still that long. My hands need to be busy and so does my mind! Everything for the last few weeks has been lacking in both areas. I can't garden or do yard work, I can't cook or bake, I can only read when the shitty internet here decides to work, and not having any kind of quiet is going to drive me nutty!
While I am thrilled to have my entire family together again, I have questioned the logic. I love my husband, but it feels that something is off between us and I can't put my finger on it. The camper wouldn't be bad, if it was on our own land or in a campground that had something to do or people actually visited. I'm watching my family going in different directions now. Hubby has his friends here, they enjoy the same things, and he has his job that has allowed him to meet a lot of others in the area. Son has his girlfriend, and her family...they all get along great and enjoy being together. My daughter, she loves the camping idea, doesn't know a stranger, is happy to have our family together, and above all else...loves having her daddy again. Then there's me. I have spent the better part of 18 years, living away from people. I do not make friends easy, I can not carry on mindless conversations, and I do not enjoy the hunting like the guys do. I can not carry on conversations that mean nothing to me. Trying to talk to people, when they get a weird vibe about them, I'm done.
Even with all of this being said, here's my giant epiphany from yesterday: Yes, this is a MASSIVE adjustment. No, I have not adapted well. Yes, I am struggling beyond anything I have ever struggled with. BUT, my goal of getting my family back in one location, was accomplished! Although the entire situation has sucked, we are all together. My kids are happy, and adjusting, overall, very well. I do like the area already, even though I have only seen about 30 - 40 miles of it. I can, for the most part, get where I absolutely have to go. I have learned to use a gas grill, cook in a crock pot AND bake some in a crock pot. I'm not running myself ragged everyday with some sort of chores, although I would love to have more to do. I am learning to not be so sick from the camper moving, but am back on allergy meds twice a day. I am spending a LOT of time outdoors watching the wildlife. I am learning that the person I had become, was someone I liked. Even if that changed as I grew...I kinda like that crazy girl. I have also learned that I have some truly remarkable friends and amazing family! I have such a great set of friends, who are not only loyal but honest! My little family is doing what we can, to be together, but also to find a more permanent home in our new location. Obviously, that will go better once our house sells, but we remain cautiously optimistic. It's all a matter of someone finding it as much of a home as we did. Although, patience is not one of my strong suits!
I'm finding a little more inspiration to get my camera back out, each day. I'm finding creative ways to do things, even if it means twice the work. I'm trying to find my own solid ground as my family goes a different direction from me. That has been hard. The very fear of losing our family meals, and time together, has been a reality. So, as I find my footing and begin to draw from the strength within, that has been buried for a very long time, I am having to readjust. Not just to a new area, a different living situation, but also to not being with my family all the time. Thankfully, I have a few outstanding extended family and friends that have kept nudging me to grow, to learn and to keep trying.
So, that's what I am doing. I am pushing myself to learn, grow, and keep chugging along. I'm a fighter, and stubborn. And rather than continue the daily tears, it's time to lift my chin, and grab the reigns of life. It's just a few days shy of a month here, and I have NEVER felt so lonely, but fortunately the daily calls/texts/emails are giving me back my solid ground. This ride may have began really bumpy, and may stay that way for a while longer, but it's beyond time to find my hard-headed streak and run with it!
Lot of love!
Salli
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