Coffee Chat

You know, there are times I need to write. I have spent about 5 days, trying to figure out how to write everything, I need to say. Things I need to get into words, so I can work through all the thoughts swirling through my head. I'm not down, depressed or even upset...I think I'm just unsure, and feeling lost. So, bare with me, and keep in mind that I don't give up but I'm struggling.

We began a new adventure just over 2 weeks ago now. It's been a challenge. While I am anything but high-maintenance, I do have needs. I don't handle being bored or having a lot of down time on my hands. I need to feel like I'm accomplishing something, being productive or creative everyday. Being bored, not doing anything of importance or spending too much down time; makes me feel lazy. I am not lazy, and I don't take not having anything to do well. In my time on our new journey, I haven't accomplished much! I wake every morning, have coffee with my husband. He leaves for work, I sit outside listening to the road noise until the kids are up and around. Then, I get beds made, sweep, mop, and pick up the camper. That takes all of 30 minutes. Then I have done the most productive stuff of my day. The rest of the day is spent helping my youngest spell, answering and talking about a million subjects with my oldest, and wishing for something I could do. Then my husbands gets back to the camper after work, we cook/eat, I clean that up, we visit for a bit and then go to bed, just to start the next day just like every other day. There may be a trip out to eat, or taking my oldest to his girlfriends ballgame, a trip to the laundry mat, or a brief walk to get rid of some frustration...but that is it.

I accomplished my goal of getting my family back to one location, but it's been a lot more unsettling for me. I'm struggling with lack of room, not having adequate cooking/backing equipment, not knowing anyone or even the area, not having anyone to really talk to most of the time, not having any way of doing anything creative I can do. I'm struggling with the finances and knowing how tight everything is now, not having our house sold yet, not being sure this transition was the right one, and even feeling that I am the only one that is struggling with everything in my family. I think lost, confused, scared, and frustrated; pretty well covers most of my insane emotions. Please understand, I love that my family is back together. I am thrilled everyone else is adjusting well. However, I am going to be selfish for a bit, and accept that I am struggling.

There were several that told me when I first mentioned that we were going to stay in a camper for awhile, so we could be together while harvest was going on here, that I couldn't do it. Of course, that being said, my answer is always..."tell me I can't do something, and I will just to prove you wrong." Well, to their gloating, I can tell you I am doing it...but not well. I made this crazy transition for the betterment of my family. I made this transition knowing there are people who live this way, for years, and love it. Don't get me wrong, I love our camper. It's older, but it's pretty and it is a good size for what we are doing. I love having the awning and being able to sit outside in the shade, and watch the wildlife...even if the road noise drives me crazy!

For 16 years, I have done what I thought was best for my family. I have felt that our family is the priority, and what worked for us, was what had to be. We are not conventional, by any shape of the word. We have more traditional values, more of a simple outlook on life, and that worked. What I'm finding is that everything we built until June of this year, is changing, and I'm not liking it. Obviously, right now, things are up in the air with our stuff and animals scattered throughout 4 counties and on opposite ends of the state, but even priorities have changed. With my husbands long hours, throwing in extra time for going to where his hunting dogs are to feed and water them everyday, my oldest wanting to run to every ball game his girlfriend has, them having friends here and being familiar enough with them to visit with them all the time, and my youngest being happy to be with her daddy and to be camping...which was on her fun list, it has left me high and dry. I can't fault them. Like I said, they are all adjusting and doing great with this transition.

I was here less than 48 hours, and felt thrown to the wolves. I don't know anyone well enough to do anything with, I have no clue how to find my way around a town 10 times bigger than any place I have lived in the last 20 years, I have no one to visit with if not by phone or internet, I can't get 5 minutes of complete silence for anything, I have about 15 minutes a day to actually talk to my husband without kids on top of us, I can't cook a decent meal or bake anything, I have no attention span to try to learn anything on my own right now, and I'm just flat out struggling!!! I miss the deeper conversations my husband and I had a couple months ago, I miss having a home that doesn't bounce every time anyone or anything moves, I miss the quiet, I miss the feeling of accomplishing feats that brought excitement to me. I miss feeling like I was more than just a babysitter, taxi, laundress, and housekeeper.

Within a few days of getting here, my sinus tanked. I had side of my face swell up like hasn't happened in years. Then my allergies took hold and now I'm back on allergy medicine for the first time in close to 10 years. Both kids have been battling with allergies again too. I know this is due to the radical diet changes. I'm trying to be positive and keep them from knowing how out of sorts I have become, but it's been difficult. I'm finding my own short-comings and not handling them well. I have a bout of tears daily, feeling like I'm watching everything I have worked so hard for, unraveling. I know that, overall, this move is the best for us, and was a necessary evil. However, this transition period is kicking my ass!!!

For months, I have dealt with my life being packed in boxes, and living with minimal so we would be ready when our house sold. While that was frustrating when I couldn't find something I needed, I did it for 6 months. 3 months into that chaos, my husband had to start his new job or risk losing it. We were certain the house would sell rather quickly since there are many Mennonite families moving into the area. Since that was the thought, we figured 3-4 weeks maximum until the house would sell and we could transition into the house here, we had on contract. After several interested parties, in our house, to this day it's still not sold. The end of June, the rental place my husband was staying at, expired and he ended up staying with his friends here for 2 months. During his month in the rental place, we had some great conversations. Conversations we had really never had, and I had opened my walls up for the first ever. Then over then next 2 months, conversations began getting shorter, and more surfacy again. It became harder to find things to talk about, but his visits home were spent together and it wasn't too bad. Then it got even shorter conversations, not much to share, and I had adjusted to separate living conditions, and began doing things for myself again. Even though I craved our time together as a family. Then harvest season became a real issue, and once it started his trips home would not be happening. So, in our short conversations, we decided to try the camper living so we could be together through harvest. We hit that goal, and got here 2 days before that began. The first week, was a challenge. I spent the first 3 days getting the camper and the stuff I brought put away and somewhat organized. I kind of enjoyed not having to cook every meal, but that wore off in a hurry. I went to the campground laundry mat and learned in a hurry that would be an annoying tradition while we on this phase of our journey. I managed to find my way through our new town, and get to Walmart, the cell phone store, the big laundry mat, my husbands job, the friends house where the dogs are at and a pizza joint. Our last trip to Walmart, I bought 2 more crochet needles and a package of yarn...got a row and a half crocheted, and got bored with that in a hurry. The kids and my husband have gone to do the dog chores and to a coyote pen, and I got some time alone. Although, that is not really my thing, I don't feel included. I know that entire sentence sounds stupid, and it frustrates me to even think it, but it is what it is. I probably wouldn't go even if I would have been asked to but, whatever. I did appreciate the time alone, even though it leaves me with too much time on my hands.

I love that we are able to have supper together again every night, and we do get a few minutes to talk each morning with just the two of us, but I can tell you my love/hate relationship with technology is growing every day! I I know it's part of life now, and I use it when I can to keep in touch as best I can. However, it's taken over, even in my family. I know most of the struggles I'm having are my own issues, so I am not going to even imply that they are anything but mine.

It's strange to think, 19 years ago, I began a huge new adventure. I was introduced to a cute "small" town, that I really liked. Within 2 months, I packed what I could fit in my car, left behind family, friends and everything I had known; to begin a new life that was all my own, in an entirely new state. I had struggles, but I loved the newness, the new challenge, and even meeting new people. When it got to the point that I didn't like it, I was packing to leave when I met my husband. 17 years ago, we got married and during the year we dated, I found out the original small town I moved to was big compared to the ones he introduced me to, I fought hard against that life style. However, over 17 years, I adjusted and grew to love the country/rural living. I learned to garden, preserve food, work with livestock, and value the silence of living off the beaten paths. The beginning of this year, he asked me to transition basically back to my original roots. A bigger town, lots more people, and in yet another completely new area. As my beliefs go, I told him I would go wherever he wanted or needed to go. In my eyes, that is what a wife does. Little did I know how difficult that transition would be! I didn't realize how much effort it would take on my part, to relearn what I grew up with. I didn't realize how set in my ways, how much comfort I found in our lives or even how hard it would be for me. I still believe that I as a wife, it's my job to support my husband in his goals and needs, I'm now wondering how to re-establish my own, and how to adjust to our transitional period. I'm scared to death that my own needs will be forced under a mat, until I relearn how to live life in town again. I know this is temporary, and that adds a little comfort, but it's still hard. I have some great friends and family that send me positive thoughts and ideas for adjusting. I appreciate that, I really do. These struggles are my own, and I'm trying to, believe me. It took several years to adjust to our rural life style, I can only hope it won't take that long to adjust back to my roots.

I miss my home, but missed my family being together more. I miss the comforts of my home, but not the emptiness that had been the feeling of the last 3 months we were there. I miss my friends, more than anything! I miss the bonds that were build in our home, and the feeling of closeness with my husband and my kids.

Now, I guess this adventure, is forcing me out of my comfort zone so I can continue growing. It's a struggle coming full circle, from town kid to country and back again. I guess if there is one thing I can say with certainty at this point, I am too damned stubborn, strong-willed, or whatever you want to call it; to quit. I may have days that are pretty tough, but I am not one to give up. I am not one that will walk away from unfinished business, and being a fish out of water is no excuse. I think I just need to find some sort of solid ground to begin building what I want and need, again. I'm not sure how I'll do that, but I will. I have had to pick up and start over so many times in my life, I should be able to do this without all this frustration, and I guess I need to look at this transition in exactly that light. Maybe by the next blog, I'll have found my footing again. Until then, thank you to all the friends and family that have been my venting posts, and support/encouragement network. Please send your positive energies that our house will sell, that we will find what we need here, and that we can get all our belongings and animals back to one location.
Much love,
Salli