So many of you have followed me for many years, through my blogging, with our homestead, livestock, gardening, home school, and life in general. While there is so much I keep to myself, there are several aspects that I do share. Some, are insightful, some positive, some venting, some funny, but all of it is very real and in the moment.
Today, I'm writing after several hours of time to myself, late last night. I always tell people my life is crazy. It really is. I'm never still for any length of time, and my mind moves a million miles an hour....ALL THE TIME! It never truly shuts downs or turns off, but on the very rare occasion when I have some quiet time to myself, I can actually catch some of my thoughts. When I get that needed time to recharge, I can make sense of many issues that I can't seem to find otherwise.
As many of you know, life for me has been chaotic. A year ago, we decided to sell our little farm, move 400 miles away for my husbands job, and start all over from the beginning. What you may not realize is everything that has happened surrounding this. For a year prior to this move, we were watching the county we lived in start to shrink and businesses close. We saw the amount of work my husband was doing diminish, and the income after 14 years was not enough to live on. We had no health insurance offered, income that hit the crack in the healthcare law so we didn't have the option of getting help, our home needed repairs so we made them, our marriage was tense as finances were bad, stress was high, and finding a solution meant finding a higher paying job in an area where there weren't much for jobs to start with. So, we decided to starting expanding the area that we would consider for travel, as jobs were few and far between. A year later, with a lot of discussion, and surface concerns discussed, my husband got his new job, and the plan was put into motion to make a huge transition in our lives. Anyone that has followed this blog, knows that our original plan did not work out so well, and we are getting to the end of the alphabet with the alternative plans!
Now, I will get to my selfish section in a moment, but right now, I need to make a statement. While my husband and I have had our share of issues, a problem with our communication styles, outside interference to add insult to injury, and personality differences that hit opposite ends of the spectrum...He is a hard worker, a good provider, and a good dad. I will never discount his efforts in always trying to better himself and our family. While there may be areas that still need a lot of work, we have spent 19 years trying to find a common ground.
There have been many times for me, that I've considered throwing in the towel. Not because I don't love my husband or my family, I do...but some of the issues, seemed too overwhelming to tackle. Even with this transition in our lives, the constant state of limbo our lives have become, has truly tested me. I don't think I could be accused of not trying to make my marriage work, we are rapidly approaching the 18 year mark. However, the past year has REALLY tested every bit of my patience.
We are STILL trying to get our house to sell, so our finances suck!!! We are paying house payment and utilities on it, plus paying rent and utilities here. The budget is so tight, every penny has to be accounted for. Although my husbands job pays almost twice his previous income, it doesn't allow us the luxury of finally being comfortable at this point. He works so hard, that it's frustrating to me, to still be so financially strapped that once the bills are paid and groceries bought, there's nothing left.
As you all know, when the financial strain becomes an issue, it messes with every aspect of your life. While I worry that multitude of stresses will drive a bigger wedge, I know I am doing what I can to make the best of this ridiculous situation. Here's the thing, as much as this transition has been difficult for me, I have to try to understand it from his perspective as well. He spent nearly all his life close to his family. I have not. I was 23 when I first came to Missouri, and started a life of my own. So being away from family, has been normal to me. Even though technology has made it easier to stay in contact with everyone around the globe, it's not the same. I will not claim to know his thoughts, emotions, or whatever on moving away, because sadly, that is not something we talk about. However, I know there are still times, I miss being near my family and friends.
There are days I get angry, and wrongfully blame him for every issue we are dealing with. It's not always his fault, it's not always my fault....for the first time in our married life, we are no where near either of our families, and we all know our plans for moving here have NOT gone as planned.
Here's where my thoughts are at right now. We have a lot of areas we need to work on as a couple to make both of us happy. Making this move may not have been my choice but I did say I would go where ever he wanted to go. I know our house will sell, I just hope it's sooner rather than later...it's a huge black cloud in our finances. I'm learning and adapting to our new area, and I know eventually, I will feel like I can make this home. There are so many more opportunities here for our family, even though the area scares the crap out of me. I'm going to have moments when I go bat shit crazy...I'm too much of a planner/organizer/analizer to have so much up in the air. Going back to Northeast Missouri is not going to happen, Southeast Missouri has been interesting, and I have got to figure out a means of getting what I need in every aspect of my life.
Selfishly, I will tell you, I'm exhausted! My days all blend together. 3 meals a day, dishes just as often, laundry, cleaning, school work, planning, budgeting, and attempting to make the best of having to rent. I would love some help once in while, but I am VERY cautious on asking because I don't trust people. I love to visit with people, but to actually become friendly, is difficult for me. I am a unique person, with a lot of quirks. It makes it difficult to find others willing to put up with me.
I have been in Southeast Missouri for almost 9 months now, and I spent 3 months prior to that, on my own with the kids in our house. The kids and I developed a routine that worked during those 3 months. We had a rough couple months, but by the 3rd month, we were making it work. What others don't realize is the time consuming life we had and I had the responsibility to take care of my kids and our home first. Just as it's been since we came here...my kids, family and whatever home we are in; they come first. I know that angered some, and many don't understand why I have withdrawn from everything but the kids, my family and our home. The thing is, when I am overwhelmed, that's what I do. I withdraw from absolutely everything I can, to preserve what energy I can for what's most important to me. Trust me when I say, I know I have been a horrible friend and extended family member. I apologize for not being involved, but I have had to do what I can.
One day, I know the Universe will help me get my head back on straight. Until then, I'm trying to be better, I really am. I'm trying to find things that make me happy as a person, so I can find happiness outside of myself again too. I am human, I make mistakes, but I truly care about those in my life. Even if I'm not actively involved with them.
Thanks for reading this latest "light bulb moment."
Salli
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