Some times I just feel a need to get write. I'm sure there are others out there that are more educated and more grammar/politically correct; but I suppose it is what it is. For a while now, my brain and my heart have been littered with thoughts. Some of them are fleeting but I try to honor my feelings. We all have them, and for me, they fester until I acknowledge them.
I am a firm believer that we are all energy beings. We have our own energies, auras and vibrations. I also believe anyone willing to truly pay attention, can feel these. For me, it's more of a gut feeling or instinct, when I'm around other people/emotions. When around other people, you can pick up on their energy. Have you ever noticed that certain people constantly bring you down? I call those people energy vampires. Their energy or vibes, are negative or draining. You have some that are a source of happiness; and some are even neutral. It's those energy vampires you have to watch. At times, they do not even realize the vibrations they emit. They are negative, gloomy, constantly complaining, and at times, they just put out that dark aura that screams, "back off!"
I have faced so many of those energy vampires in my life! Without an escape from them, they bring you to their level. Many times, after years of having your own energy drained constantly, you lose yourself. Instead of being who you know you are, you tame yourself or water yourself down to fit the mold others have thought to be "appropriate."
Now, we can place blame. I mean, it easy to blame someone else for mistakes, lessons learned, or to some degree, even who we have become. The truth of the matter is, there is simple only one place to point a finger of blame. At some point, we all must grow up. We all must accept responsibility for our actions, admit to our mistakes, learn from those mistakes, and make a positive change for our own being.
Sure we can blame our upbringing for how we begin our lives, but it's our own choice as to the directions we go. We can blame society and it's ignorance, but then we have the entitlement/welfare mentality. OR, we can take responsibility. We can say, "yes, I was raised this way, but I CHOOSE to go a different path." Too many have used their upbringing as a crutch, an excuse, for not being responsible, productive members of society.
It would be so easy for me to say, "I was raised in a strict household, a divided home(divorced parents), so I blame my parents for my life. I blame them for my own shortcomings." Well guess what?! If I don't like the path I am traveling...THAT IS ON MY SHOULDERS! I'm an adult. That means, every decision I make, right or wrong, is mine. Not theirs. Sure, their constant bickering, their childish games, and their hatred towards each other; did play hell on me until I was old enough to understand that there is always 2 sides to every coin. It takes 2 people to make or break a marriage; and it takes 2 people to do what is right to raise balanced children in a divorce situation. You know, we all make mistakes though. Parenting does not come with a handbook, marriage is not a guarantee of forever, and you can not grow until you are willing to accept the mistakes made.
Now, in my own life, everything isn't sunshine, roses and rainbows. Hell, I'm pretty sure it's a struggle just to get through each day without pissing off anyone I talk to. I don't like games being played. Period! I will be honest to the best of my knowledge, I try not to judge others, I recognize that every story has 2 sides, I try to remain as neutral as possible when I'm thrown into something, BUT I will only tolerate so much bull, before I will cut you out of my life.
The past week has been a little odd for me. Talking earlier about energy shifts, has been a first hand experience. It's been a lot of years since I was able to shut down emotions, or to feel ice in my veins. Until the past 9 months, I have always had a means for balancing out those extreme emotions. Whether it be a hike, grounding in dirt, dancing, or whatever, I could calm those emotions, balance them enough to get through to solid ground again. The past 7 days, I've felt that shift. I have felt that ice again. However, rather than balancing it, or making excuses for it; I want to fix it.
I have become someone I don't know well. My heart has dreams and passions that have been ignored for years. My mind is in a constant state of motion. I struggle each day to see the forest through the trees. Sure, there are good days. There are days I think, I can make everything work. I can find balance and peace, while still being true to who I am. However, I have always been just enough of a believer in fairy tales, that I thought if I could just be this way or that way...it would make everything better. To some degree it does. It makes everyone else happy when you fit their image of who they believe you should be. It does nothing but cause you to be resentful. In my case, I have tried to be everything to everyone. I have watered down my own personality to fit a mold that I thought was acceptable in a life I chose.
By watering ourselves down, we are draining our own life vibrations. We become despondent. We lose our self-esteem, we lose our worth, value and eventually it plays into our health. By settling for less than you want, you are telling yourself you aren't worth more. In return, you are also telling those around you, that you aren't worth more. Guess what, you are!
Too many times we settle. We settle for a job that doesn't offer what we know we are worth, we settle for relationships that may be comfortable but lack what we want/need, we settle on so much! After many areas of settling, we begin to lose our own worth. We begin picking up unnecessary emotions; fear, anger, restlessness, resentment;just to name a few.
I've watched and listened to so many stories of people who quit settling. Some have changed jobs after years, some have changed relationships/divorced, some have sold their homes and moved hundreds of miles away. Yet, so many continue settling. So many fear grabbing their wants/needs/desires, by the horns, and making the change they need.
Growing up, I was told fairy tales. I loved them, and all the princess movies and Barbie stuff. You know, I believe that sets up an impossible goal for young girls. Many girls growing up when I did, dreamed of their wedding day, having kids; you know the whole white picket fence/2 kids crap. I don't think girls should be brought up that way. I think we need to teach our girls independence, self worth, finding their own beauty without some impossible role of being like a Barbie. Our girls need to know they are whole, ALL ON THEIR OWN. They do not need a man to be complete, but when they find a man that is willing to treat them with respect, they can be an addition to their already complete self. Too many girls are in a rush to be married, I was. They think a man can make them better or complete. That's just a complete lie that has been continued through generations. Unless you find someone that compliments who you already are, you asking for more stress, and less balance. Just as men need to find their own balance, and not worry about find the "right one," they need to be themselves and the "right one" will gravitate towards them. We have lost so much respect, worth and values in the antiquity thought of fairy tales.
I suppose as my coffee gets cold writing this morning, I will end here. I have so many thoughts that attempting to talk about them would require someone to pay very close attention. Maybe someday, I will be able to get them all out.
Salli
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