It's crazy the way life shakes us up, and throws these dips and dives into our paths. There is a lot to be said, when you believe there aren't and coincidences...only paths you are meant to go down.
After a busier than normal weekend, learning how evil the nature of some people can be, realizing how some paths have lead to huge discoveries, and adjusting to other changes; has really caused me to look within myself. I truly believe that each of us cross paths by design, but some are not meant to stay on our paths.
This weekend, was one of those weekends that I have felt such an array of emotions, and it really has been a bit of a circus. If you've read any of my blogs, you know I've been capable of turning off emotions when I choose to. For abut a year though, that has not been the case. As much as I wish I could on occasion, I have learned to honor whatever emotions pop up. Whether they be sad, happy, confused, sure, or insight slapping in the back of the head. I have accepted each emotion, I've allowed myself to feel, every single messed up emotion that has hit me. While I'm really struggling with this, I've dealt with them. I have taken the time to look within to handle some of these.
It would be very easy to turn a blind eye to some, cut out the areas that stress me, or for that matter, cut people out of my life that stress me. That would be the easy way out...sort of. A few months back, a long time friend made the remark, "you need to open up your heart again." I will tell you, for me, that was a terrifying statement. When I think of opening up my heart, it means opening up myself to being vulnerable. It's means giving others a chance to hurt me, or caring for others more than they will ever care for me. You see, I've learned the hard way that just because I am willing to care for and help others, there are a lot out there that are not like me. There are so many that have no problem taking all they can take, using people, taking people for granted, manipulating people, and so many have zero respect for others.
The idea of opening my heart again, sends me into panic mode. I don't like feeling emotional. I don't like losing control over my own being. When your heart is open, it can so easily be broke. I refuse to be vulnerable to anyone. The problem is so many have lost the simple acts of common courtesy, respect and manners. It's seems so many have become greedy, needy and all for themselves. What ever happened to treating others as you wish to be treated?
The past 16 months of my life, have proven to be a challenge that I was completely NOT ready for. Transitioning not only in geographical area, life style changes, and then you throw in this lovely emotional awakening...I was more unprepared than at any other point in my life. I seriously did not have a single clue, what I was in for! Between the insanity of trying to sell our house, having sold and then the buyer passing away, to the realtor not doing enough to advertise it and now the 3 offers on the table just waiting to see who comes through with the money first. Then you throw in the marriage issues that have haunted my marriage throughout, the canyon that formed, getting to the point of realizing love does not solve everything - only makes it more complicated. To temporary living conditions while we wait for the house to sell, and those living conditions being less than ideal. Then you have the fact that we still have animals and belongings scattered across the state. Through in a few other areas that have juggled my life once again; and it's a total circus.
I'm trying to make the best of each area, but the longer this has drug on, the harder it has become. There's no reason to argue anymore, about any of it. It's time to walk away from what no longer serves, fix or walk away from a few other areas, and it's time to just be happy. While most days are pretty good, there are a few really bad days. I truly pray everyday for guidance, support, health, and safety of not only my family but also our extended families, and friends. I thank whatever higher power there is for all that I do have. However, there is more I want. There is more I need.
I'm not a materialistic person. I never really have been. I don't need the best of everything, or even brand new things. I just want to be comfortable, be able to care for my kids in the way I believe to be best, and not have to stress every single moment of everyday. I want to be able to be outdoors. I want time and space that I can escape to when the stress gets overwhelming.
This weekend, my husband and I came to the realization that even with all the chaos that life has thrown at us over the past year and a half, it's given us some pretty definitive answers about what we each want, need and what we don't. It's proven to us those that truly care and those that do not. It's also opened our eyes to many areas that have previously been ignored.
We have 3 potential offers pending with our house. None of them will make us a single dime of profit, only to pay off debts incurred with or for the house. However, it's time to close that chapter. Sure, we will have to save a while to get another place bought, but it will allow us to close that chapter of our lives. We will not ever be going back to that area, so there is no sense continuing to pay on 2 homes. It's also time to make some changes in our vehicles. My husbands vehicle is structurally not safe, and the brake system hasn't worked correctly for months...it needs to be gone. My vehicle has over 200,000 miles. Mine being more of the family vehicle...I need one with less miles, and that is more dependable to carry around my kids. The used vehicle market is astronomically priced. With so many incentives, it's cheaper to buy a newer vehicle. Although there are VERY FEW that I can stomach. I guess I just need to drive a few and see if any are worth even considering. Our current living situation will be changing very soon. I'm not handling it well. When you can't be outdoors without the bugs trying to cart you off, the inside is half as much as is needed, and the other issues with this place...it's a daily push to stay put even knowing it's only temporary.
I have seen so many hidden blessings in some of the trials in my life. Sure, they have been stressful and trying at the time. I have come to the realization that some bumps in the road are there to slow you down. They are meant to make you re-evaluate the direction you are going. They are meant to show you something. You just have to open your eyes, and pay attention. My own spiritual growth has come in leaps and bounds the past year and half. I've been forced to slow down, look deep within my own core values and beliefs, and to accept that no matter how much I wish they would some things and people never change. Those are some tough pills to swallow.
I have seen so much of this that it's sad. It's saddening to see how hurtful some can be, while proving that hypocrisy is alive and well. It's sad to see so much damage done when it's completely unnecessary. It's sad when there is nothing you can do to fix it. However, you can only be responsible for your own actions. This has become my own focus. I can not control everything around me. Honestly, I don't want to. However, I can control my own reactions to whatever actions I'm dealt.
As attempts are made to make some personal areas of my life better, I worry. I am concerned that all the water under the bridge has become too much. I can appreciate the attempts and do my best to make it through the rough waters, once again. It just concerns me that in all that water, there are life sucking issues that have already proven to be bigger than any safety raft. It's a matter of trying for now. I'm not sure of my own reactions, so I'm going to leave this thought alone until I am.
I suppose as I begin my day, I'm going to say that life is a circus. It requires several path changes and you must be willing to weigh all possible outcomes. You have to allow yourself to focus on your own needs and wants; while in continuous motion.
Take time to be still and silent. Make everyday a good one, even if there are bad parts. You can love someone without liking them, and vise versa. No matter how many times you have to pick yourself back up, keep doing it. Just keep in mind, a step forward and 2 back may just be the Cha-Cha, that catapults you where you are intended to be.
Have a beautiful and blessed day!
Salli
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