Chapter 44 - Another year

It's always so mind-boggling for me to hear people complain about their birthday! I for one, LOVE my birthday!! Every single one I get to celebrate, means I've made it another year. Just as we should each thank God every morning, that we get to open our eyes, and have another chance to make a difference.

Today, is my birthday. Today, I turned 44, and in my eyes...that means the start to a fresh year for me. One that I hope and pray will be my best year yet!!! While having a December birthday has always been kind of a see-saw, so to speak, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Many of us December babies, remember growing up getting all our gifts on Christmas, or getting left out of taking treats to school for our classmates. While that was difficult as a kid, one thing in my eyes has always stood out; All of us December babies, have the most beautiful decorations, and the kindest time of the year, that we get to enjoy...THE ENTIRE MONTH!!!

I am sure that I am no different than others when it comes to making New Year's Resolutions...make them, slack off, and within a few months...POOF! Resolutions are forgotten! Years ago, I began setting my goals, between Christmas and Birthday. That gave me 3 days to evaluate, expand or eliminate goals. I decided that while New Year's was great for setting resolutions that were never kept, maybe setting my goals and beginning my own new year, on my birthday, I could work towards my goals instead of letting the things that mean something to me, just be brushed aside.

Today begins my 44th year, and my new goals. The past several years have been really hard on me in every aspect. I am working my way back to where I want to be the coming year. Nothing happens overnight, and I don't expect it to. However, I have been accused my entire life of being stubborn, hard-headed or strong-willed(which ever you prefer); I don't see a good reason not to use that to my advantage!

As I begin the journey through this next year, I hope to take you all along with me; through blogs, photos, and even social media. While some of the most impacting events will never be spoken of, my 44th year on this earth, is sure to be an exciting adventure with twists, turns, ups, downs, and hopefully a lot of happy moments!!!

I look forward to my journey and sharing it with you!
Salli

Christmas Chat

So here we are, Christmas Eve, Eve. We have been counting down since November in my household. We love Christmas, decorating, and our annual open house. We try to add new decorations, lights, and events each year. What we do not do, is spend a fortune on gifts. Many gifts are homemade, and since I set my budget so strictly...many times we are left to get very creative with the funds we have available.

We have never done technological gifts for Christmas...although my kids would love the newest ones out there. I just don't believe that's important. We don't go overboard, although as they get older, the budget has to allow for the things we do buy to get more expensive. I think this is the first year, in 18 years, that toys were not a predominate wish list item. I think I bought one a piece this year. While that is a major milestone in my life, there have been so many this year.

2018 has been a pretty rocky year for me personally. Most women will understand that by the time you hit your 40's, life begins making some pretty wild changes. Not only is your body behaving like a wildly out-of-control teenager, but many of us start experiencing our children reaching the "magical" 18 year old status. We are having to basically relearn about life as a woman, not just a mom. We are feeling the lovely hormonal effects of yet another transition phase in our bodies, many of us still have younger children at home, but they are getting older too, and less dependent. Mix all that up with a splash of longing for something to fill our time, a dash of passion for finding just the right hobby/balance, a heaping helping of humility from accepting that those 20-somethings are no longer in our cards, a pinch of longing for any number of things you are lacking in your life...and you have the perfect recipe for what a humbling year I've experienced.

We all know, our parents are aging, just as we are. Some of us have siblings/step or half siblings, in-laws, and many other extended family members. Sometimes, trying to find a balance that works, can be daunting. In my case, I have my parents, step-parents, siblings with and without spouses/nieces and nephews, 2 sets of in-laws, and in-law siblings/ nieces and nephews. Just thinking of juggling everyone creates a 3-ring circus! Now, you throw in that mix, relatives that just can't get along...even for the holidays, having kids at home which means spending Christmas morning, at least, home to celebrate Santa, having family scattered across the country, and herein begins even more stress. For years now, I have given up trying to make it all work. It just doesn't! I've tried inviting extended family to our home, and made attempts to get to important events of theirs. Someone is always upset by the plans. There is no winning. Years ago, we decided that Christmas day was going to be at home, everyone was welcome to visit, but we wouldn't be traveling. We've had to make a few exceptions because of poor planning, but not many.

Each year, for the better part of 10 years, has been a little more difficult than the last, not being around my extended family for any of the holidays. I know from visiting with some that there are playing into drama even through the holidays. I don't agree with with this. Of all times, this time of the year, it's time to behave with some maturity. As I told my Dad today, the everyday drama's and arguing simply are not acceptable through Christmas. Put away the petty, childish behavior and respect each other. You don't have to agree with their choices or behavior, but be respectful enough to make the holidays enjoyable for everyone. I just can not understand families being torn apart because of childish, immature behavior. I know there are times that no matter how much you try, those with that ingrained behavior will always spoil things. I'm dealing with that also. You just do what you can, and go on. Sometimes, family is too toxic to spend time with, I get it. When your own personal mental health is going to be pushed to the limit, sometimes just steering clear of the toxicity is easiest.

I'm going to jump a little ahead for a bit. As I've mentioned, this year has been very difficult for me. I turn 44, in 5 days, and there's been a lot I've really kept to myself. I've struggled with my oldest turning 18, struggled with being unhappy with several areas in my life, struggled knowing that my youngest is pretty independent too, making a couple of big moves over the last couple of years, and dealing with the extended family dynamics that have been truly mind boggling. However, there have been some pretty tough lessons in life this year, and more awakenings than I ever believed possible.

I have always been a goal setter, organization has always been a high priority to me, and just letting stuff roll off my back has not been my forte. While the past 2 years have more than proven to me, that I can do anything I set my mind to...it's also been massively unsettling. Many of the goals I set, were missed or left by the wayside. Organization....HA Ha HA!!! That's been a complete joke. Letting stuff roll off my back...well, that has led to whole lot of pent up thoughts, resentment building, and an increasingly problematic issue with anger control. I quit talking, no one listened or heard what I was saying anyway, so why bother. The few that I did talk to, either had to share what they knew with others that didn't need to know, or made stuff up and thus brought about withdrawing further into myself again.

I'm praying that 2019 is much better for me. I'm setting new goals, putting new plans into motion, and looking towards finding a better balance for me. One that doesn't include me being used or taken for granted, and then being thrown to the side like a pile of trash. I'm focusing on what I need to, and want to. I'm only one person, so if something/somethings are pushing me too far...they will be tabled until I can make the time and effort to deal with them. While my kids will ALWAYS be my priority, 2019 is going to be my year to find what I need, find my happiness again, and dismiss anyone/anything that is toxic to me.

As we gear up for our annual Christmas Eve traditions, and a Christmas Day that I'm so excited for, I believe I will make a New Year's Resolution this year. Resolution: Meet and exceed your goals!!
Wishing you all, a very Merry Christmas and a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year!

Salli

Life's delicate balance

After multiple attempts to write over the past several months, in attempt to make my life make sense, I've left so many drafts sitting unfinished. I thought about a venting session, another coffee chat, and even a pity party to help ease some of my stress. I can tell you, I really could vent about several different fronts I'm battling with, but I would rather just be who I am...open, honest, and just get through the billions of thoughts that race through my head hourly.

As I am sure you all know, my beliefs are truly unique. I pray at least once a day, I believe the Universe or higher power has a grand plan for us, but I believe we have choices in that plan. I believe in treating others with respect, and the Golden Rule. I've spent many years struggling against an extra set of emotions that I'm still learning. I've lost faith, and then refound it. I've fought with emotions, as they can be pretty close to the surface; and many times I've turned them off because I don't know how to deal with them. I let others treat me poorly, but I could never sink so low as to return that demeanor. I've always tried to take the higher road, and just walk away from things/people that have made me choose between the two roads.


There are times that my thoughts become pretty negative and my attitude gets pretty pathetic. I'm human, and I make mistakes...and make choices that I have to at the time. Sometimes, those choices allow me to feel something again...other times, I make choices that allow me not to feel much of anything. Other times, not feeling is the only way I can get through a day. I've learned through the years that emotions are as much of a delicate balance as life itself.

So, as the past 5 or so years have definitely given my emotional roller coaster a massive ride, there's been so many emotions. I can not say everything has been unbearable, although there have been moments, I've had some pretty large changes to experience and some pretty hard lessons learned. The hardest part of all these years, were just recently. I had always heard the phrase, "the straw that broke the camels back," although I've been stressed before, I have hit the bottom now. I've had too many battle fronts, too many issues, too many stresses, too many taking for granted what I am willing to do, and too many extra voices trying to uproot the balance I have to keep in this life I am living. So many believe their way is the only way, and that's their choice. Forcing your opinion on others is wrong, and insensitive. You don't know anything about the lives being lived behind closed doors, so do not be making judgement calls you know nothing about.

I live my life and make choices based on how things operate here. Not what others think, believe or anything else. 100% of every decision I make is done so, to do what is best for my kids, their well being(mentally, emotionally, and physicallly), their safety and their health. Decisions made that do not directly affect my kids, are made with research, some emotion, and a lot of thought. There are no rash decisions for me. I do everything I can to not only make the best decisions, but make those decisions that are tough because I HAVE TO! I can't push decisions off on anyone else.

You see, I have high expectations, and expect from others what I am willing to give. For me, that equates to being let down, a lot! For many years, I have given every ounce of my energy, emotions, and even given up on so many dreams and goals of my own; just so others can shine, achieve their goals, and dreams. While I have zero doubts that everything in my life has happened to make me the person I am today; I have hit that point of the straw that broke the camels back. I'm tired of depending on others to behave as I would believe they should, and having my own expectations crushed when they don't. I have depended on others so many times and I've been let down, hurt, used or disappointed in the process.

My life has been such a delicate balancing act for so long, that I've become tired of balancing. I'm tired of the constant struggle. It's not been just with emotions, and attitudes. It's been finances, it's been relationships, it's been family and extended family, it's been losing/forgetting dreams, and the constant stresses have negatively affected my health. I've reached the point that I'm having to make a lot of pretty tough choices. I can't be the mom I want to be, when I'm constantly battling with health issues. I can't be the best "Me" with all the chaos. I don't know where life will take me, but I know it's time for life to not be so chaotic anymore. I can not enjoy life when I'm either thrown to the wolves, or constantly having to beg to get a little help, or I'm sitting waiting for someone else to do what they say they will do. Honestly, I'm just tired.

So, I'm moving forward. I don't want to feel this hurt or disappointment anymore. I want to feel, but I want to feel something good, something promising...not so much negative. I want to surround myself with people that bring out the best in me...not the stress. I don't want to hear constant negatives, constant nay sayers, constant issues...I want to laugh, those true laughs that have your sides and cheeks hurting. I want to be able to see couples in love, without having to look away because all you can think is ugh! Give that some time...it won't last. I don't believe in fairy tales, but being truly happy, feeling love, appreciation, feeling like more than just a venting post or battering ram for everyone, would be great. I have no problem listening to people, their issues and even sharing their happiness and excitements...the problem I have, comes in when I need to share, or bounce thoughts off of someone else...and no one is there to return the favor. When I am happy or excited about something, there aren't too many I know I can turn to. The biggest struggle for me, is I am always trying to help others, and it's so rarely returned.

I'm not sure who came up with the thought that "when you give kindness, it is returned to you ten fold," but I'm pretty certain they were smoking something they shouldn't be! I am no long everyone's beating post, door mat, scape goat, or cop out. I'm a pretty open book, if you bother to ask and actually hear. I can only be the person I am, and I am a horrible liar...so what you see is what you get.

As I attempt to get through the Christmas season, without the stresses of the Thanksgiving season...I wish you all the very best. I wish you all health, happiness and guidance through your own path of life. I pray that happiness, common sense and peace is brought to our communities, our country, our leaders and the world.

Merry Christmas and may 2019, be a blessed one for each of you.
Salli

Perfectly Flawed...

I am thinking and marveling about life lately. My life has become complete chaos for about the past 7 months, but through it all, I find little shreds of promise. Just when I reach a breaking point, something happens to give a little more strength and courage to keep moving. I'm given a little more wind in my sail to keep trudging along. Now, understand that there are so many areas of my life that are out-of-control...but I'm doing everything I can to hold it all together. Even if it's just being held by a single thread. I have days when I'm really tired and ready to throw in the towel. Then there are days, that I remind myself of what I've already been through, and set my mind to keep going. It gets pretty mucky in this brain of mine. When you have a million thoughts whirling through your head all day every day, it tends to make you a little frazzled.

If I have learned anything in nearly 44 years, it's that everyone is dealing with something in their life that is causing them stress. The thing I keep reminding myself is that a lot of the stresses we all deal with, is by our own design. Many will neglect to use good judgement, or will try to do what they can to either fit in with a crowd or to do what they feel they need to do. As a video I was reminded of yesterday stated, "we are taught to always look for the right answer, but sometimes the right answer is that there isn't one." What may be the right answer for one, won't be the right answer for another.

For me, I try to always do what I can, the best I can, and treat people with as much respect as possible. The problem herein, is that so many have lost respect, lost common courtesy, and lost the ability to be responsible for their own actions. I have personally been criticized for several aspects of my life, that honestly, left me second guessing my own paths. The thing is, while my choices may be odd, outdated, or even weird to some...they fit the life, the path and my personal choices that work for what I need and want. It's very demoralizing to be disrespected, criticized, and even verbally attacked. It becomes maddening when you are informed of how inappropriate some choices are, by others that have made their own bad/horrible choices, but refuse to see or fix their own. For me, I do my absolute best for my family, and I always will. They will always be my #1 priority. There are very few that I turn to for advice, or even to share my struggles. There is a reason for that as well...too many have already proven they can't be trusted.

The few that I talk to, are the few that I don't have to worry about running their mouths. They are the ones that have never given me a reason to doubt that no matter what I say, it will not go anywhere. Not to mention, they are the ones that even if we disagree, it is never disrespectful, it's never a battle. It's so much easier to talk about things, understand and respect differing opinions than to have a constant fight.

The past weekend, I was blessed to get some quality time with my kids. Yes, we spend most everyday together, but there is truly something to be said when you can change the scenery of normal life. Eight months ago, we moved back to our little farm/homestead after spending 2 years in the southern part of our state. Observing the past several years of our lives, I can really say that there is good and bad to every choice that has been made. We tried a new adventure when we went south. Although we had struggles, it was such an amazing experience. We got to meet some remarkable people, spend time with great friends, and learn a little about a different way of life. I personally was beginning to find my feet again, after many years of hard times. When the decision had to be made to return, it was truly bitter sweet. We missed our bigger house, our livestock, our space and our gardens. The part that has been a huge struggle for me, has been negativity that being here has been for many years. As I feared, coming back here, meant coming back to the drama I couldn't wait to be away from. While we were away, I finally felt as though I could dream, and see a light beyond all the drama and chaos. I was finally feeling a little more normal again, but as I remind myself regularly, things happen as they are supposed to.

Spending time with my kids, watching them take in bigger cities, the massive amounts of people, spending a couple days in a hotel, meeting new people...I was beyond proud of them. They took it all in stride. We laughed the entire trip down and back, enjoyed laughing in the hotel, and they were super helpful, well behaved, and well mannered. I got so many amazing compliments on my kids, I can't help but be proud of them. Even though it was busy, and a working get away...it was relaxed. It was, overall, a reminder that these 2 precious children are my life line. They are my world.

I managed to find some time for a little insight. I began writing in my journal again. While this helps to get some thoughts out of my head, sometimes it helps to get a grasp on what needs to be done too. The hard part for me is the constant need to be responsible and do what I feel is the right thing to do. While this may seem like a common thought, it's difficult with the multitude of stuff going on in my life. My days are pretty full. I am up by 5:30 every morning, I have the kids school work to get done, my work with a foundation that I love, keeping the house cleaned up, keeping laundry washed, cooking meals, managing groceries, trying to pay bills, and hearing from several on a regular basis about how much I'm doing wrong. The part that most forget is what I wrote about earlier, everyone is fighting their own battles...be kind!

We've been back here 8 months, of that time, we have ha an extra 3 people living with us for 3 1/2 months. While it's not been horrible, it's been stressful. Managing groceries and meals for 7 people, laundry for 7 people, managing extra expenses for utilities, hearing complaints, and arguments more than usual. So, the past weekends break was a good mental clearing one for me.

While I don't typically like for anyone to read my journals, they are usually pretty raw and uninhabited thoughts...my husband read at least part of the last entry. While I haven't had time to really visit with him, I'm sure it was eye opening. I have become very withdrawn the past several years. The past 2 or so, I can say I've been pretty numb. There have been too many hurts, too much drama, too much water under the bridges, and a lack of feeling too much more than anger and resentment. I want to feel something good again.

I am looking forward, and making plans for my favorite time of the year. I always try to make my home welcoming to anyone that visits, but Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years...those are times I love to have the warmth of holiday decorations. I typically wait until after Thanksgiving to decorate for Christmas, but this year, my daughter is as excited as I am....so we are decorating early. I love the kids excitement, their enthusiasm, and the absolute joy in their eyes! I refuse to curb that! So, this week, despite not having the Fall cleaning done, we will begin decorating. Since I am working so much more, I want to be able to do all the things I've enjoyed with my kids, without neglecting my other passion...helping Veterans.

I love the little gifts of insight when I need it the most. Every little stumble, or fall...I am getting back up. I may be ticked when I get up, but I'm back up and fighting my through them. Sometimes, I have to let go of what I can't fix, but I suppose that is the wisdom that comes with age and experience. While I am in no way feeling like I want to, I am feeling more in control of myself with each passing day. There will be setbacks, that's life, but I am just stubborn enough to never give up.

I hope everyone that reads this knows: You are a beautiful soul with your own chosen path in life. It may not make sense to some, but that's ok. I hope you will always do what is best for you. Remove those people and things that bring toxicity to your life, as best as possible. You can only go as far as you allow yourself to go. No excuses. Take responsibility, take charge and make the choice to do and be better...every single day!!!

~S~

This mental chatter...

So, I'm sitting here this morning, completely beside myself. What can I do to release this chaos and internal monologue...write. I suppose that's what I'll do.

You have to understand that I am very hard on myself. I expect myself to do, be and act in a way that is professional, empathetic, and kind to everyone. Even if I know I'm being used, taken for granted, or lied to. I firmly believe in common courtesies, being respectful and always giving my best to everyone. This is also a huge pitfall for me. Unfortunately, the large majority of those we are surrounded by do not have the same thoughts. Herein, lies the issues.

While I give and give, both mentally and physically, it's not returned and by the days in, I'm drained. I'm trying to pour from an empty cup, and getting nothing but grief. I was always told if you give an inch, some will take a mile. I truly never believed that. I always felt that if you could give helping hand, in some way, it would come back when needed. To my dismay, the earlier statement has been proven time and and time again. Yet, I continue to try to help.

So, since the past week has been a very trying time for me emotionally, I've had this really tough back and forth mental conversation going on. It's been pretty tiring. The bounce between giving myself a pep talk of: "you can do this, you've been through enough trying and tough times, you can get through this too," and the ever present: " I'm tired. I am sick of drama, chaos, lies, shows being put on, having people up my ass at every turn, not to mention a house that stinks(even though I've cleaned) and the winterization that hasn't been finished and wood we need cut so we can have heat not being done." I'm flipping tired!!! Here we are half way through October, we don't have enough wood to get through this week for heat, we have house repairs that have to be finished before winter sets in and they are not done, I'm trying to juggle a budget thrown way off from several emergency trips and helping family move. My grocery budget is gone because I now have to buy tired for my vehicle since I had a blow out yesterday, so I'm going to be expected to feed 7 people on what little I have for food/meat. My utilities are running high, I'm sick of constant noise, feeling like I could lose my temper at any given second, and feeling like no matter what I do is never good enough. If I hadn't lost my ability to cry sometime in the past year, I'd probably sit and cry over everything, for about 3 days. The thing is...I can not cry! Instead, every little thing that happens, just makes me madder. It is pushing me so close to flipping my lid, it is taking an act of congress to keep my temper in check.

Here's the thing...I'm doing what I can to help with a group that fuels my passion. I love the work, love working with amazing people, and what it stands for. For a couple years, I have been finally feeling more tuned into the direction I want to go. My entire family has been able to help. The struggle there is very selfish though. For the first time, in years, I had something I was doing, loving, and several aspects were just mine. My family volunteered, and helped for a few events, and the rest I was able to do; similar to a job, that I loved. Then it started including more for them into other aspects of it. So, I guess selfishly, I want to be able to continue what I'm doing while limiting their involvement, so I can have something that is mine to do. I don't know how to explain this, so I'm going to leave it alone until I can understand it.

I just feel like I have constantly got people under foot. I can't even escape to the bathroom without someone needing to talk, at the same time. I'm completely overwhelmed with absolutely everything!!!! I'm being pulled in so many directions, everyone wants to take their piece of me...and there is nothing left!

I fall asleep at night stressing over the budget, the things that have not been finished, trying to be a good friend, good child, good sibling, good mom, good wife, trying to keep my house clean, laundry done, meals cooked, trying to find a shred of myself that isn't being used to the absolute maximum. At this point, there just isn't a shred left. Every piece of me is being pulled, used, abused in some way...except my heart. It's been under lock and key for so long. I'm afraid if I ever completely unleashed it...it would terrify someone...aside from my kids, they have had my heart from day one.

I believe when you tell someone you will do something...YOU DO IT!! When you say you will do things, and it continually is proven that you won't follow through...you lose credibility, you lose trust and you lose respect. When too much water runs under a bridge, you can't get it back.

Another area of contempt for me lately...Absolutely no other person can tell you what you feel. What I mean is this: if I feel hurt, neglected, used or any other emotion...it is not your right to decided if I should feel that way or not. If you have done something to hurt me, you don't get to decided if you did or not. The thing is, how you treat others is a reflection on you. You can make up stories to make yourself feel better if you choose, but putting on a show never works. There are a lot of people out there smart enough to see through the smoke and mirrors. An act can go on for only so long, before you can't keep it up anymore. I despise acts, or putting on a show. Life is what it is. When the bad out weighs the good...it's time to fix it.

Just in case you haven't guessed...I'm exhausted!!! I'm done with crap. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough, unless others need something. I'm tired of trying to be everything to everyone. I'm just tired...mentally, physically and emotionally. I just want a break to be able to clear my head, without worrying about whatever B.S. may happen while I take that break.

I'm going to take a time out.
~S~

Coffee Chat - Answers to where I've been...

Here we are. The end of September, and the beginning of Autumn. 7 months living back at our little farm and back to the constant drama and chaos. I've begun so many blogs, trying to stay positive and optimistic. However, when you have multiple fronts of drama, chaos and negativity...it's beyond difficult. So, today, I'm going to attempt to actually write and publish a coffee chat.

As I said, being affronted in so many areas, has been overwhelming. I have found that my own emotions have all but shut down. I'm not really numb, but at the same time...I am. I try to take time each morning to pray, meditate, and be grateful for each new day. It's seems lately, most of my prayers include strength to continue managing everything, courage to say and do what is needed, and wisdom to hear the guidance being given even with all the outside noise. When you reach a point of being emotionally and mentally drained, it's a battle to pull yourself back. Just as feelings of negativity take an enormous amount of energy to overcome.

Having done so much research and studies in psychology, it's very pronounced to me, how many people play mind games. The sad part of this is, some people don't realize they are doing this; while others do and choose to manipulate everyone they can. Manipulation, guilt trips, drama, putting on a front and mind games are taxing on those that must be around those that behave in such a way. I'm pretty certain if you are honest with yourself, you know at least one person that does these types of things. I personally know several that can fit into these categories.

I am not perfect by any shape of the word, but I always try to be respectful, honest, loyal, and do what I say I will do. The thing is, for me anyway, I get tired of doing what I feel is right; only to be disrespected, minimized, used and taken for granted. Yes, there are times I feel sorry for myself, there are days that I want to throw up my hands and just give up, and even days when I want to tell everyone what I really think and let the cards fall where they will.

If I have learned anything at this point in my life, it's that you can only do so much and then it's out of your hands. I'm a fixer. If I see a problem, I want to find a way to fix it...then fix it and be done. I don't handle procrastinating, or whining well. I don't handle sneaky, underhanded games at all. Nor am I good at putting on a show...with me, I'm a pretty open book and what you see is what you get. If you are quick enough, you will know my thoughts by my facial expression and if you don't catch those...you will end up getting a toned down response that is a little more tactful. The thing is, with me, you need to be very careful of pushing me too far. Once I've hit my limit, I will come completely uncorked and there will not be anything "nice" that comes out of my mouth. I have massive control on my temper and my tongue, but that control has a limit.

With everything going on in my life, that control is slipping pretty rapidly. I've been stressed enough that I've spent the better part of 4 months struggling with illnesses or body aches. I've not been able to cry about anything for almost a year. When you resign yourself to exactly what you didn't want, but that's the direction your life is going...you quit caring. The thing is, I'm not depressed, or unhappy...I'm resentful, I'm angry, I'm irritated, I'm not being fulfilled and I'm not able to do what I want to be able to do. I am struggling with one conflict/drama after another, my life has become a three ring circus that I don't want to be a part of anymore. I'm tired of ignorance, being made to feel horrible for things out of my control, I'm tired of being everything to everyone, I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm crazy for behaviors that are not mine, and I'm tired of having to minimize who I am to fit what everyone else thinks I should be.

Guess what???I'm TIRED!!!! I am worn clear out - mentally, emotionally, and physically. I am struggling to get through each day without losing my temper, and losing my mind. I have goals for my life, my career, my family and even our little farm. You know what I don't have??? Any more tolerance! How I am treated, is how others will be treated.

While I am trying to come to grips with how to handle/manage the chaos in my life; it's become imperative that I find an outlet for some of this noise in my head. From other's opinions on how/what needs to be done, to other's opinions on what I should/should not be doing, other's inability to know truth from fiction, other's constant B.S. games, and the mind games of saying something and then being told that's not what was said. It's too much.

I like the way I live, I work hard to be the best person I can be every single day, I love the work I am doing with veterans, and I love being with my kids. I love to learn, try new things, and be organized. When there is chaos, clutter(physically or metaphorically) it drives me insane. After spending so much time fighting the result of stresses this year, I'm drained.

So, as we begin to enter the Fall/Winter seasons that I've always loved, I'm hoping to find a shard of the contentment, excitement, and fulfillment again. I will go through the motions as I must, but even that is becoming a challenge. I am a horrible liar, and I'm not much better at putting on a show. I guess we'll see where the remainder of the year goes.

As for general life, the gardens are getting emptied this weekend, we have a new calf due any day, the two bottle calves are doing good and super adorable. The chickens are finally laying good, I just hope they continue through the colder months. We only managed about 3/4 of what was planned from the garden(canning) but as chaotic as the last months have been...we did great getting what we got. I have a few things left to can, a few things left to freeze, we need to get the meat restocked in the freezer, and prepare for getting pigs again in the spring; assuming everything goes as planned the next several months.

So, since several have asked, I'm ok. I will always be ok. I may struggle, and even fall on occasion...but I will never give up. Sometimes, I just need to reassess each of the stressors, find their importance/lack there of, and change course. I have always fought for what I believed in, and even though the wind is not currently in my sails, doesn't mean it won't return. It just means that right now, I need to be re-evaluating and finding new solutions. I tend to withdraw from everything when I get overwhelmed. I do what I have to and need to so that I can move forward. Staying still or going backwards is not an option for me.

Thanks for your thoughts, emails, texts and messages. I'm good.

~S~

Introducing - Wake Foundation

Let me introduce you all to a great organization. I have had the honor and pleasure of volunteering/working with this group for a couple years now. With events stretching across the United States, and the focus being our amazing veterans; in my opinion, you won't find a more worthy foundation.

A mission statement that allows the Wake Foundation to help wounded veterans, with emphasis on PTSD, TBI, fatigue, disabilities, as well as, providing resources for all veterans. The Wake Foundation partners with multiple other military organizations to help with outdoor rehabilitative programs for our veterans. The Wake Foundation is a Military Service Organization and a non profit 501 (c) 3 with partners across the country that all serve the greater purpose of support and care for our brave men and woman who have served and those who have been wounded in battle.

A few of the activities that the Wake Foundation has sponsored includes: the Annual Valentine's For Veterans concert in Poplar Bluff, MO, the annual Summer Sports Clinic in San Fransisco, CA, the Winter Sports Clinic in Aspen, CO, and the annual Paddlefest in Mountain Home, AR.

https://www.facebook.com/WakeFoundation/videos/1729282033853371/
You can see the video from the 2018 Paddlefest in Mountain Home, AR


Would you like to know more about the Wake Foundation? You can visit the web site at wakefoundation.org, or find us on Facebook under WakeFoundation.


The Wake Foundation operates solely on donations. Each of our staff is volunteer, so 100% of all donations are reinvested in our veterans, the programs we sponsor, and events we sponsor to say "Thank You," to our brave men and women. You can make donations through multiple avenues. We have paypal setup on our web site, you can contact a member of the foundation, or you can donate through one of our raffles.

Our current events have included attending gun shows with our raffles. Every 3 months, we are raffling 2-3 firearms. Tickets are offered at $5 each or 5 tickets for $20. You must be 21 to enter. We are accepting donations that will promote all upcoming events, including our Valentine's For Veterans Concert in Poplar Bluff, that will be held in February.


Please take some time to check out our web site and Facebook page.

Salli

Follow your heart

I have spent the past 5-6 years I have struggles through some pretty massive changes. I began to feel my heart, and spirit changing. It's been a long, drawn out process that continues to change each day still. As I have grown and changed, I have really had to accept some aspects of who I was, who I am and who I want to be; that weren't being true to myself. I spent so many years trying to please everyone, trying to do what was best for everyone, except me. I tolerated being belittled, degraded, and manipulated by so many, it is unnerving to think back on. Those whom you believe to want the best for you, may not be the case. They want the best for them, or want to control you.

The thing is, you have to have some control in your life, but when one person or a handful of people have all the control, you lose yourself and your own value. You begin to feel invaluable to everyone and lose all sense of self. Your own needs and wants are ripped away, your goals are laughed at or completely disregarded. You begin feeling depressed, worthless, and stuck. After years, of feeling this way, you give up. You begin to just shut down and feel resolved to be stuck in the same ole scenario. It becomes an internal battle for some, of doing what's best for your family or doing what's best for you as an individual.

Once in a while, These situations are put onto a different path though. In my eyes, it's through some miraculous or divine power that those situations are given a massive uprising. That shake shake up, not only begins the eye opening sometimes needed, but also a not so gentle shove towards rediscovery. In my case, that rediscovery has had some pretty painful realizations, mostly in the mental capacity but to some degree even physically. Through many years and heartbreaks, you lose faith in people and for me, in emotions. It becomes easier to shut down, build impenetrable walls, and lose trust in just about everyone. You find out who is truly a friend when your world feels like it's crumbling to your feet. Those you thought you could trust, depend on, and thought were loyal; just aren't there. It happens, we all change. Those that stand beside you through this process become more valuable than gold.

I've laughed at the many "labels" put on this awakening, including the infamous "mid-life crisis." Sure, I believe to a degree that in some sense, this could be acceptable label. I believe it's more of an awareness, awakening, or even finally finding the strength to weed through layers of what society has found acceptable. While I'm not quite to my 44th birthday, I am in that awakening state. I am at the point in my life that I am no longer willing to accept or tolerate what is not making me happy. Senseless drama fueled by childish behavior, is not acceptable. Forcing emotions or feelings that just aren't there anymore, is not acceptable. Allowing opinions of others, that do not know the whole story to dictate your worth, is not acceptable.

Through the many years since I first was slapped with what felt like I going crazy, I began valuing my own individual spirituality. I began to value my time in meditation and prayer. I began to accept that I felt closest to whatever higher being there was, when I was in nature. I began researching everything I could find on spirituality, as opposed to religion. I couldn't find a religion that fit, because my beliefs are unique to me and what I have experienced. I'm ok with that, it just makes it more difficult when others try to push you into a specific religion. I have tried to attend churches, Methodist, Lutheran, Nazarene, Baptist, Catholic; but none fit. I do not believe in brimstone and fire, or that the hypocrisy of confessing sins on Sunday, gives you a free pass to continue them in the following week. We are human. Sins are all around us, all the time. It is no more acceptable to criticize others sins, than it is for us judge others...there by creating yet another sin. The 7deadly sins that were supposedly outlined in the Bible, have become a cornerstone in society. If the religious teachings are accurate, that would instantly condemn us all to hell...if you believe in that. I truly don't. I believe we live in hell every day, and it's our purpose on this Earth to do our part to grow, become better people and therefore when we pass on, we transcend into a better life in the great beyond. We are going to make mistakes, make bad decisions but I believe we are all on our own path that we must learn from. Whether you believe as I do, that there is a grand plan for each of our lives, or not...the choices are ours, and we have to grow and learn to become closer to that higher power.

That being said, I do not believe in coincidence, at all! I believe everything happens for a reason. Everything, good or bad, is put in your life for a purpose. Whether you have prayed from direction, or guidance; that is what you are given...even if the road looks pretty tough. Sometimes, we are given options that allow us to see other paths. As I said, I've been in a period of awakening. There have been a lot of options, opinions, and spiritual guidance presented to me in a multitude of ways. I believe the Universe/Higher Power(whatever label you have), gives us clues of the "right" path; IF we are conscientious enough to pay attention.

Here is some great examples, that have been given to me. After my cancer, I was told I couldn't have anymore children. I was 26 years old. I dealt with that life changing diagnosis, the emotional roller coaster that followed, all while raising my 1 year old son. In the 8 1/2 years following that, I had 7 miscarriages. I was told I could never take birth control again because it was a known cancer instigator. If you have ever experienced a miscarriage, you know the toll it takes on your mind and body. Because of my cancer surgery, my body was thrown into perimenopause before I was 30. The prequel, to one of the biggest changes a woman will ever go through. Well, with hormone levels all over everywhere, I ended up pregnant at 35. That was terrifying, not only at starting over with a baby and an 8 year old but the thought of miscarrying, the cancer returning, and/or a million other concerns. After having my daughter, then almost losing her to an extreme allergy to the vaccine bases, I was again thrown into yet another learning curve. I have to learn Holistic treatments to keep her healthy and safe; all while having to fight a school system that "did not tolerate bullies" yet I was at the school every day for an entire school year when my son would come home with new injuries from a bully...EVERY DAY!!! During every phase of this, my marriage was struggling, we divorced briefly, and even once we got back together; it has not been good. We've tried, I've tried, but getting past all the water under the bridge and all the bridges that have been burnt; seems impossible. We get along pretty good for awhile and then old habits return and the repeat button on the roller coaster continues. Since having my daughter, pulling my son out of public schools; my entire life has been focused on these 2 kids. It didn't matter what I wanted, needed, whatever...I have done what I thought was best for them. I've bit my tongue, I've cursed under my breath(and many times out loud) at stupidity or ignorance. I've developed thick skin while catching grief about home schooling, being a stay-at-home-mom, and shoving everyone but my kids aside. I had accepted until my youngest was 18, I was stuck with whatever situation happened. I had gotten so depressed, that I was afraid to leave my house, afraid to drive, and even began believing the bullshit manipulation tactics that were spewed at me.

It was late 2012, when that began changing. It was during a night out with someone I considered a friend, that I was left standing in the cold while she was off with some guy, that a thought hit me like a club. That thought? "I have allowed others to tell me my worth, my value, and what is an acceptable or unacceptable way to treat me." That was a pretty tough pill to swallow. Here's the thing. Society/television gives us these unrealistic ideas of how life should be. Everything from "reality" televiion to corny fairy tales; none of which are true or real. Life isn't all sunshine and roses; nor is it brimstone and fire. Not all relationships are in constant honeymoon stage and differing opinions doesn't make or break a friendship. The changes in my life began small. They began with finding little things that allowed me to find me again. I began exploring areas that brought me peace. I began building furniture, taking pictures, going for hikes again, and taking a few minutes a day for me. I started trying to get back into the work force...even if very part-time. I had given up on my own goals and passions, and focused on being the best mom I could. Here's the thing though, and I can't stress this enough! YOU CAN'T POUR FROM AN EMPTY CUP!!! I know I have told so many friends this exact thing! I was empty. I had nothing left to give to my kids, there fore I had nothing left to give me. I had spent 100% of my time focused on my kids, my husband, and my home; there wasn't anything left of me. So much of my emotions were watered down, or gone. So much me was gone. When the opinions of others, the verbal attacks and mental bashing become so loud for so long, not only do you believe that crap but you just give up. You quit trying. Your resolve slips away, and you feel destined to be stuck in that situation forever. The thing is, one simple change can blow that thought clear out of the water. To some degree, I thank the woman that began this transition for me. It's been 6 years now since that event occurred. It's been a long, and painful process to get to the point I am now, and I'm still growing. I'm still learning and rediscovering me. I'm terrified as some realizations have hit me, but I am getting stronger every single day. I am not tolerating drama, or being disrespected. I'm not willing to continue letting my children believe that happiness is in another person, instead I'm trying to teach them that happiness begins within themselves. Happiness is theirs to grab a hold of. I want them to be able to make decisions for themselves, but also make decisions that fit their goals; not my goals for them or what society finds acceptable. I want them to see me happy, healthy, and pursuing my goals; to continue to teach them by leading, not following. I want them to understand that the things I do in my life, I'm doing for me. To make me happy, a better person and a more productive member of society. I don't ever want them to feel they are stuck, to ever experience the emotional drain of depression or any form of abuse. I do not ever want them to feel they disrespected, taken for granted or being used.

Experiencing mental or verbal abuse, no matter who is dishing it out, is a difficult rope to cut. Whether those who dish it out realize they are doing it or not, is still abuse. It's still unacceptable. I don't care if it's a parent, peer, grandparent, or spouse...it does not change the pain. While physical scars are visible and heal; mental scars develop a lot of scar tissue which results in emotional shut down, and walls thicker than anything. Getting past those scars, is tough. You can forgive all day long, but you will never forget. You will never get back to the same playing field you once were, and many times it will end whatever the relationship once was...be it friendship or partnership.

If I have learned just one thing from the growth I have experienced...it's this: under no circumstance, can you do anything; UNLESS you are doing for yourself. You can not quit a bad habit, unless you are doing it for yourself. You can not make anything happen unless you are doing it for you. I have been very fortunate to have some great friends and mentors during this time of growth. You can go from job to job, activity to activity, or even relationship to relationship; but you can not be happy until whatever you are doing, you are doing for you. For what you need, want, or what is serving to your goals. The only person responsible for YOUR happiness, is YOU!

For the past 27 days, I have been away from home for 14 of them. I've driven over 3700 miles. I spent 5 days helping the foundation I work with and the veterans is serves. I spent 9 days helping my Mom and Stepdad when he had major back surgery. Yes, it was beyond difficult being away from my kids so much. Here's the thing though. The 5 day event; I found my passion, and I found a peace of mind that I have never in my life experienced. I got to meet, help and work with some of the most amazing people I have ever met. Their strength and courage, their remarkable stories and the laughter was invigorating. It breathed life back into a pretty bruised heart. That same heart, had me tied in knots just a week later when my dad was going into an angiogram, had another stent put in and I allowed my brother to just relay information when Dad said for me to stay at home. Just a few days later my mom asked me to be there with her for my stepdad's surgery. I would have driven from my dad's procedure to my stepdad's surgery; but I ended up in Southern Missouri while my brother handled Illinois. Although having my heart reawakened has been a good thing, that crazy organ has a way of opening your eyes(and sometimes giving you more fits than you're prepared for!). Feeling, in general, has been difficult for me. I believe in my intuition, and I try to listen more as I've gotten older. One lesson I've learned, you can't make your heart believe what isn't true. You can not feel what isn't there, and when you do feel something....again, that crazy organ, will not let you block it...no matter how much you try.

Life can be pretty messed up sometimes, but you have to listen and watch for the signs. You have to pray for guidance, support, courage and sometimes even the strength to find your own way. Whatever road you choose to take, you have to choose the one best for your own individual being, not anyone else. When you choose the path that someone else may feel is best for you, you aren't allowing yourself the opportunity to grow into the person you are meant to be.

Watch out for the heart, that crazy organ will give you fits and starts, but it will guide you too. Use a little knowledge in your head, but always follow your heart!

~Salli

Coffee Chat - Unique time of growth

Good morning friends. It's been a bit since I've written much. However, it's been a time of soul searching. I've spent several years struggling with thoughts, emotions, and wandering a bit aimlessly. Each time I think I've found some resolution, something else has jumped up to bite me. So today, I believe will be a coffee chat, to clear my head and go back to some resemblance of a calm I felt just a few days ago.

For the past year and a half, I was honored to volunteer with a great foundation. It worked with wounded veterans. In that time, I not only found a passion, but what I can only describe as a personal calling to me. I spent 5 days, helping with an event that was a rehabilitative outdoor program with this foundation. It was truly a life changing event for me. Aside from building relationships/friendships with so many, it was a reminder of what happens when people forget their purpose. I can say, for me, that event has forever changed me; my outlook, my perspective, and my own views. The group of people I was privileged to meet, gave me the strength and courage to not only face my fears in life, but to remember the most important part of life - living each day to the absolute fullest.

Now, with all this mental clarity I was able to find, it opened up an old Achilles heel too. For years, I've allowed people to determine my worth. When others haven't seen it, I've assumed I'm not valued. Guess what....that's crap. Being alive gives me value. I may not be everyone's cup of tea, but that's ok. I don't need to be. I am a good person. I care to a fault, I love too much, and I always try to look past the exterior layers of people to find their good. I've always believed people are good, although I've decided that some just aren't. I think so many people have allowed excuses to rule their lives. It's easiest to make an excuse, instead of following your heart or a path that feels right. I spent several days, feeling. Mind you, my mind has always felt like a super highway, always racing from one thought to another. It's always trying to stay just one step ahead of whatever issue may arise. For the past 5 days, it stopped! It's a calming feel that I can't say I've ever felt in my life.

While some jealousy and insecurity from people still leaves me scratching my head, I know taking the high road will always be my choice. Even when it's a struggle to keep my mouth closed. I may not understand those exact emotions, I understand being told you are less, not good enough, being reminded of your flaws regularly, and berated. I understand mental abuse, even when it's not intentional. I understand losing your self-esteem and losing the person you are meant to be. None of it is fun, none of it is easy to overcome, and the scars you have afterward, are not visible but are truly worse than any physical scar could ever be.

We can change and adapt to society and whatever the newest acceptable beliefs may be, we can follow whatever religious beliefs we were raised to believe, but the truly universal language is kindness and love. Treating others as we wish to be treated. You don't use or abuse people. Especially those that care about you. You don't place more value in material items than you do rel people and relationships. You don't shatter someone's trust, because once broken, it may never return.

One of the amazing people I met during my trip, told me this: "You do what you have to do, to be able to do what you want to do." Well, my friend, I don't believe I've ever heard truer words. With the extremely long travel both to and from the event, I had a lot of time to think. A lot of peace to be able to clearly hear my thoughts. This can be good or bad. The biggest clarity I think I've ever felt, was the trip home. I don't know about anyone else, but I try to listen to not only the insanity that goes on in my mind but I try to follow my heart and my passion. Sometimes, my thoughts leave me fumbling for words. Unfortunately, my expressions rarely do. I have times that I can't express thoughts, because there are too many to pinpoint a single one.

Since I've been home, there have been a lot of conversations that needed to be had. There have been a lot of decisions made...some by me, and unfortunately some for me. While I am a firm believer that the Universe puts us on the path we are meant to follow; puts people in our lives for a reason, and gives us situations to open our eyes to our own insecurities and defaults. I think we are meant to evolve. Living in the area that I do, has been a kind of slap in the face to this. Things here have been done the same way for ever, gossip runs rapid while those living in glass houses throw stones, and folks forget that they can lock the closet that their skeletons are buried in...but they always emerge. For years, I kept to myself. I stayed in whatever area I lived in, usually not straying too far from our property. The trouble with that ideology, is that life becomes stale. Relationships become stale. While is may curb several issues, it creates 10 times more. My life, was mundane, and monotonous.

A few weeks back, I made a comment during a conversation, that began opening my eyes to my own false beliefs. I said, "I work my tail off, taking care of everyone else's needs and wants. When is it my turn. When is it my turn to be happy?" The response I got royally pissed me off, because it's an antique response. "Well, you have kids. You get to do those things when they are grown." That's wrong. Our children depend on us, there is no doubt in that. However, our children depend on us for not only the physical things they need but also the mental and emotional things too. My theory, when a child has a parent that is unhappy, they see this, and they believe that is the way life goes. When a parent is unhappy, abused(mentally or physically), that is the way they grow up and believe. They see the way one parent treats another, and that's the trap they fall in when they enter their own relationships. The see the verbal abuse or manipulation, and they think that is ok. This is wrong!

I'm not an expert on anything! However, I do observe and listen....a LOT! I have major trust issues, so if I'm visiting but spend time around people that send me negative vibes...I will stop talking to just to listen. Sadly, people can pretend all day long, but if you have someone that actually listens, actually pays attention; the show they are putting on will be not only evident but obvious. I've come across a few like this recently. They sure put on a great show...for about 5 minutes. That was all it took me to pinpoint that game. I despise games! I'm too old to play them. If I'm forced to be involved in one, you can bet, I will be playing to win! The sad part of this, sometimes the game changes players. So you are forced to reevaluate on the fly. That's when things can get a little hairy. I personally prefer time to think, weigh the odds, and either walk away or go for the gold.

The recent interactions, involved a lot of deception. The most dangerous liar, is one who believes his/her own lies. I prefer to be an open book. There is plenty I keep to myself, but I'm not one that will lie for anyone. I may not tell all, to anyone...ever. However, I believe if you lie about something, the most harm comes to the liar. Not a single person on this Earth knows exactly what happens when we pass on. We have been led to believe that we are judged before entering Heaven or Hell. While I believe this to some degree, I don't believe in Hell as it's been preached. I believe we pass on, and our soul progresses through different planes. Obviously, those that live entire virtuous lives progress further and faster, but every single human has sinned. Period! If we followed the scriptures written, that would condemn us all to Hell. Sure it's said that we can be saved, and I believe that. However, I don't think that a single human can be the one doing the saving. I believe that through our faith/spirituality, we become saved with each new encounter. I believe we are shown new options, new paths, and even new people; as a means to grow. The thing is we can't grow, if we aren't willing to face some uncomfortable changes, some uncomfortable realizations about who we are at our core...without pretentious instilled beliefs. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. Every experience, every emotion...everything! It's what we do with those experiences and emotions that bring us to a higher calling.

Sometimes, finding that higher calling, means finding your true passion, your purpose in life. I've had an honor of finding just that. I found a passion and what felt like my true calling. Myself, I was introduced to helping people, not just anyone people, but people whom had served their country, some of which had been injured while doing so. Having had the unique experience of visiting with them, hearing their stories, hearing about their lives and families...was remarkable! The folks I visited with, opened my eyes. They not only reminded to make every single day count because there is no promise of tomorrow; but the opened my eyes to new experiences and thoughts. New connections were made, new friends were made, new thoughts began to grow. Having a bond/connection with those you work with is important, but it's more than that. When you are able to form friendships and connections through experiences, when you love what you do; it's no longer a job, the red tape/the drama, no longer bares any significance. You become more that. You become humbled, yet empowered.

Since getting home from an eye-opening experience, I have prayed a lot. I've prayed for guidance, strength, peace, insight and courage. I've prayed for a veteran that begins his journey after 5 years in a wheel chair to begin walking again. I've prayed for the veteran and his wife as they begin their new experiences of retirement and new adventures. I've prayed for the group as a whole, for safety, health, in their travels and in so many new experiences that they are embracing. I've prayed for myself, my family, my extended family, and friends. I've prayed for answers to questions that seem overwhelming to me, and direction to where I am supposed to be.

As for me right now, I'm taking some time to reflect, refocus, and as sad as it is, I'm turning off my heart. It's very rare that my heart is open to anyone, and unfortunately, it's been proven over and over that that organ causes me too much pain to let just anyone in. I give all I can give for others, and each time they let me down. So, it's time to focus on me. There isn't time to wait until the kids are grown, or wait until everything is right. At that point, the kids will be grown, I will be more depressed, I will be more resentful and angry. When all is said and done, I will be lonelier and more miserable, and alone. Now mind you, being alone is better than being in the wrong situation. The thing is, if I wait until the kids are grown to find MY happiness, find MY place in this big ole world; that does not offer the greatest example for my kids. It's not ok for them to see me anything but happy, fulfilled, and loved.

So, for today, I'm going to finish this blog and know that for the first time in more than 20 years; I feel whole. I feel that I have a firm grip on where my passions lie, and even though I don't know what direction life will take me, I know that each new experience will allow me to grow and become a better person. I'm finishing up today with this thought, "What's meant to be will always find a way to be."

~Salli

Coffee Chat and soap box

We have officially been back to the Northeast for a month now. What can I can so far? It's been a hell of a roller coaster ride!!! I intended to write a coffee chat today, and that will probably be the direction I end up going going, but I'm struggling. For nearly 2 years, I have juggled two very different lives. The life here, one of gardening, livestock, small acreage, the whole homestead/hobby farm life style. Then there's the other side of the coin. The other life, no acreage, having stuff scattered across the state, but one that provided different needs...freedom from living in a fish bowl, better life styles, better jobs and incomes, close to several friends and family, and overall a LOT more options. The problem came in when the house here didn't sell.

I love my home and the property it sits on, and if I could pick it all up and move it South...I would have already done it! I love having my favorite store so close, being able to see some great friends more often, and not making twice the payments. The problem comes in that even though this is home, it feels wrong. I don't know how to explain this. I know we were meant to come back here for some unseen reason, but it feels wrong. Another issue is that it's more than just the property that feels wrong. While there are a lot of things that have remained unchanged, WE have changed. The area that we have spent most of our married life in, doesn't fit who we are anymore. Yes, having livestock, chickens, gardens, and living in the country; will forever be part of who I personally am , probably for the rest of my life, but it's not ALL that I am. I found a passion in the work I am still trying to continue. I found, surprisingly, a happy medium between the life I grew up in and the life we have lived since I've been married. Aside from paying rent and a house payment, and 2 sets of utilities, I had found the best of both worlds.

I'm trying to make sense of everything, figure out the lesson trying to be taught through the past couple of years, and find a way out of the stress induced life we walked back into. I'm trying to find my equilibrium again! Yes, we own this place and love it because of the ties to family and the work we have put into it; but it's a noose to some degree for the same reason. We struggled to make the hard decision of coming back, it's not what any of us wanted. We tried to get it sold, but had so many and so much crap working against us, that we just weren't going to be able to make that happen from so far away.

This transition, over a couple years, has taken it's toll on many things. When you live in limbo for so long, you grasp at straws to save your sanity! The hardships of finances, juggling so many irons, and for me, finding myself again; it changes you at your core. What so many people fail to understand about me, is the position I have been in for many years. I've been the oddball, most of my life. I don't care about many of things other people do. I've learned to live the life my husband grew up with - livestock, farming, hunting, gardening, preserving foods, and living in the sticks. I grew up as a town kid. I'm not going to say the city, because as a kid...most of the towns around me were small towns, at best. I went to the city often, and loved that fast pace. When I moved to Missouri, it was my break from my family. No one knew what I was doing, I didn't have to intermix with the drama, and frankly...I was tired of the drama. I moved to Missouri to make a clean break and find my own way. I struggled, I had a couple years of sow my wild oats, and even though getting married was not in my plans...it happened.

I had grandparents that were married for decades, loved each other and worked through their issues. My parents did not. My parents divorced when I was young, 11 or 12, I believe. Their marriage was volatile, and the divorce was horrible. It was messy, they disliked each other so much, that they couldn't pull together enough for the kids. Whether it was intentional or not, we always felt the need to pick sides, we always have heard 2 sides to the same story, loyalty was constantly divided, and when they remarried...that brought in a whole other set of issues and unnecessary drama. My opinion of marriage is still very negative. I believe that stupid piece of legal paperwork screws up what could be great relationships! I have struggled in my own marriage for nearly 20 years now. We had a great relationship, then getting married took on a whole other life. We still have a good friendship, but trying to work through issues, seems to drag up more or outside issues cause deeper issues. While I am not one to hold a grudge, and I will forgive; there are things I have never forgotten. Whether it be hurtful words, lack of action, lack of attention to an issue, or even just being completely oblivious...those things stay in my mind and many times, in my heart. Communication is something that has gone very wrong in my household for many years. What may start out as a good conversation, rapidly disintegrates to loud and many times, miscommunication of words. Voices are raised, and brains shut down. People get angry and walk away or the most ignorant word is used...WHATEVER!

What so many don't understand, the last couple of years we were here, I struggled. I had become someone I didn't know or like. I was afraid of everything. I was terrified to drive, to leave our place and some days even leaving the house was a struggle. I busied myself here, so that I didn't have to leave. I hated going to town because I was tired of the superficial conversations. I didn't want to be around people because I was terrified that my control on my temper and mouth would fail. I have always tried to be kind, but you can only listen to people talk about everything they have for so long, or how we didn't have what they had, or that if it weren't for so and so...you wouldn't have that. I was feeling very negative. I do not compare myself or my life to anyone, ever! We all make the best decisions we can for our lives, in the moment. The problem I had and still have, is the ones that want to talk about how great they are, what material crap they have, and want to look down their noses at everyone else. I don't have the best of everything...I also DO NOT have the debt! I have what I need and a lot of what I want. There are things I'd like to have, but I refuse to take on any more debt than necessary to get them. I do not like the gossip mill in the area we live. It's truly pathetic how people have their noses so far out of joint, they can't see the glass houses they live in. Quite honestly, I've always believed, if you want to know something about me...JUST ASK! I'm pretty much an open book, even though most of the time it isn't anyone's business what I'm doing in my life, I'm the best person to talk to about me. If you are one that likes to discuss other people's lives...make sure your own is freaking perfect, because there are several skeletons that could come out of your own closets. Until we all make it to eternal life, there isn't a single one of us that is perfect, that hasn't made mistakes, hasn't had regrets.


Each of us is on an unseen path, and just because something may be right for you, doesn't make it right for everyone. Each one of us has a mission while we are on this Earth. It's our job to find that mission, and being kind along the way seems to make the most sense. All these baited conflicts, pitting people against each other; just seems to be irrational and unintelligent. We have a Constitution that protects us against too much government intrusion, yet that seems to be all the rage anymore. As soon as you start taking certain rights, there will be no stopping from the rest of our rights to be taken away as well. We have lost the understanding of individual responsibility and accountability. When something bad happens, we want to blame an entire group for the actions of a single person. This is wrong on so many levels. The problem is, that while I am a legal gun owner, and would never intentionally hurt anyone, there are individuals out there that will...with whatever items they can get their hands on. Think about it, on September 11, 2001, over 3000 people died and there wasn't a single fire arm used. They used AIRPLANES! Should be ban airplanes? Sounds pretty ridiculous doesn't it? How about automobiles, or prescription medication, or cell phones. By banning these items, the only ones feeling the pressure are the ones doing the right thing, the legal thing. Banning anything is not the answer, it never has been. They banned drugs, did that do any good? There are still drugs on the streets, those that are hooked on them will still find them and use them, and overdose on them. Banning anything, will make it a taboo subject, and up the black market; and create a society of victims. I refuse to be a victim. Instead of banning anything and everything that could potentially hurt us, why not use a little common sense. If you don't want a guy, that's your right...don't buy one. You don't want drugs, great! Stay away from them. The job your interested in is paying women only 2/3 or 1/2 of what they are paying the male counterpart...find a job willing to equalize it. Come on, this is common sense. The way I see it, there isn't an employer out there that could possible afford what my time is worth...ANYWHERE! Does that mean that I won't work, that I won't do my job to the best of my ability? Hell no! It means, I will accept a job not making what I feel I'm worth, because the job I will do is being done because I love it - or I won't be on that job. Period. Yes, making a living is necessary, but everything in our lives has become so expensive because people live outside their means, and have to have so much stuff! Think about this...why do you think there are so many storage units everywhere? Because people continuously buy stuff, and run out of room to store them in their homes. We have truly lost the notion of the difference between wants and needs.

For the past year, I've had the honor of working with and for people I consider heroes. These men and women have signed a blank check on their lives. I've enjoyed stories of brothership, and felt the heart break of fallen soldiers. I've listened to stories of how difficult it is to transition back to civilian life, had the honor of honoring a great man and former POW who spent 999 days captive...but was able to come home to his family. I've had the privilege of working beside a soldier who was injured on a tour in Iraq, spent 13 months in the hospital and recovering, began the amazing foundation I work with to help those who have struggled with civilian life and disabilities from their service, and still has shrapnel in his body to this day. Do you know what I see when I look at these soldiers, and their families? Obviously, I see heroes, but more than that. I see husbands, wives, daughters, and sons. These men and women put their lives on the line. These amazing people put their lives, on hold to serve our great nation. These soldiers AND THEIR FAMILIES, are many times separated for months or years at a time. We owe each and every soldier and each of their families more gratitude than grief. Do you know the frustration they face at each turn? Our elected officials have, multiple times, withheld their paychecks. Resulting in many unpaid bills and stressed out spouses. Yet, those same officials, demand their service and loyalty. These soldiers face a healthcare nightmare trying to break through all the red tape, extreme time delays in their healthcare, and many times even their pensions are in disarray from the disorganization that occurs through the federal level. You want to discuss unequal pay, how pathetic is it when someone working in fast food is making as much or more than these soldiers expected to put their lives on the line for the very ungrateful citizens that are stirring that ruckus?! Yes, I value these soldiers and their families. Yes, all the conflicts going on in this country today seem pathetic and ridiculous to me.

I've got many very strong opinions, and I do try to keep them to myself. I would love to see society as a whole believe as I do...but I realize that it takes all kinds to make the world go around. I would love to see everyone taking care of their own families and communities before they start being offended by everything under the sun. I would love to see people working together to make life better, instead of pitting one group against another. Folks, we are ALL humans. We all bleed red blood. It's not us against them, until you start adding in the elected idiots, the lobbyists, and the corporations. Those are the people you should be angry with. The citizens of this great nation, for the most part, are amazing people.

One more very strong opinion before I get off my soap box today. Mental Health. While this ties into a lot of my blog today, I think this too has become more taboo than it should. Mental health is failing miserably today. We are lead to believe that if you are depressed, have a strong opinion, or are bully, or any number of other issues...that is a mental issue. Now, I'm going to give you a little trivia. Mental health has been on going issue from the dawn of time. Good examples are Ben Franklin, Albert Einstein, Nikola Tesla, Galileo, Carl Jung, and I could go on and on. In their times, these people were considered nut jobs. Many of them today, we are told were geniuses. In the 1600's men and women were rounded up like cattle and burned at the stake for "witch craft," which was nothing more than people being afraid of the unknown. In the 1800's, Women were admitted into psychiatric hospitals and believed to be crazy because of PMS, and what we know call postpartum depression. Men and women were considered crazy if they masturbated. Today, in countries overseas, people are still stoned to death for this private act, and right here in the U.S., that private act is still considered infidelity if you are in a relationship. One major area today, that has affected too many people to count, is bullying. Now, I can tell you, many years ago when I was a kid, we had bullies. However, somewhere, someone thought it was a good idea to make the kids being bullied into victims. When I was kid, the bullies lost their "one-up" attitude when you FOUGHT BACK. Today, if you fight back, you get in trouble. When I was a kid, there was one boy that found it necessary to hit everyone. But...I was always taught, you never throw the first punch, but you sure as hell better throw the last one! That's exactly what I did. When that bully decided to hit me, I hit back! You know, after that he never attached me again. He would go way out of his way to steer clear of me. I never had troubles with bullies again, after that. There were several in our neighborhood, but not a single one messed me. Sure there was still name calling and "threats," but I was raised to ignore what I could, and face the issue. NEVER BE A VICTIM! Today, kids are being raised as just that. They are bubble wrapped from society and it's issues. They are being brought up to be entitled little whiners. The hardest part of this whole bully issue for me, is the worthless adults that bully the kids. I have raised my kids that respect and trust are earned, not just given. When someone is disrespectful to them, I do not expect them to be respectful.

Just this week, there was a local adult, that decided to be disrespectful to not only my son but to my rules and family as well. I will not mention names, because while we live here, that piece of trash is a fixture here, we are not. After making a 17 year old child choose between working or school work and family; he proceeded to inform him that he was going to end up like everyone that lived along the road we lived one..."40 years old, and not having a pot to piss in or the window to throw it out of." Now, that was a direct quote, but here's the thing. The past 2 years, we have seen outside this area. We have seen success and failure, we have seen life outside this bubble in Northeast Missouri. While the entire conversation had with my son was not one that was appropriate for a kid to have to deal with, it was a cold reminder. So many believe that because may have what looks to be many assets on paper, neglect to look at the total cost of debt, relationships, and the loss of their family time. While they may look successful on paper, in my eyes they are poor as hell if they don't have their families or have more debt that they could repay in 5 years or less! When an adult, takes on working with young people, they take on teaching, mentoring and helping build a foundation for growth. Instead, this incident could have caused yet another young person to shy away from such a critical field of employment because of poor attitude, lack of intelligence, and sheer ignorance. I will never be perfect or claim to better than anyone else...but I am damn sure better than that one!

Sometimes, getting outside of the proverbial bubble is just what it takes to realize where you stand. As for me, I am different than I was when we left here. I will never be that person again. I am more, I have grown, and I am accepting that I will never be like everyone else. I really don't want to be. I'm pretty good at just being me...good, bad, or indifferent. I value my family, and my life. I believe that whatever higher being you value, is a good thing, as long as you let go of the hypocrisy. While I pray everyday, and look to the Universe for signs, I know that each of us has an individual life path. And now, I believe I will end this soap box and find more coffee and some chocolate!!!

Have a blessed Easter weekend!
~S~

February Coffee Chat

Good Friday Morning! So many changes have happened for me. Enough that my mind is a little cluttered, but not necessarily in a bad way. The past year or two have been tough. I have really struggled with so much, for even longer than the last couple of years. Spending many years feeling out of my element, being made to feel like I was only somebody's mother/wife, and not really having the best self-esteem during my marriage, I was lost for awhile. There are several great things that have occurred because of the last move to Southern Missouri. Those have given me so much to build on. Today, I need to talk a bit, and because I am doing all the packing; I don't believe this will be a long chat.

The move South, terrified me. Although I tried to be a supportive wife, I've kinda failed on that, and I'm ok with that. I have spent most of my life putting other people and their thoughts/feelings, above my own. I figured if my family was happy and together, that was enough to make me happy. Unfortunately, that's not realistic. I, too, am a person with thoughts, feelings, and needs. I struggled with that thought. I had to work past feeling that I needed to be a little selfish, because my needs/wants/feelings weren't being met. Now, I can blame a million things or come up with a million excuses but I won't. I let my family do their thing, while I sank further down than I've ever been. I let my family, my husband, and others, take full advantage of me. The one thing I have learned the hard way, no one ever concerns themselves with a strong person. It's thought that a strong person, doesn't need anyone or anything. Apparently, I am not that strong...because I do.

I don't need constant recognition, or attention. I am not one that has expensive taste or a high maintenance personality. I have no troubles with working hard towards what I really want. The trouble I can see is that my requirements are so minimal that they are never thought about. I love simple, easy, and non-complicated things. I love my gardens, bonfires, watching the stars and moon, building furniture, cooking/baking, I love livestock/chickens/pigs/horses, I love genuine people and the few people in my inner circle are so fully in my heart they are my chosen family.

The trouble that I find regularly, is that genuine, loyal, and caring people are very difficult to come by. Too many try to hide their true intentions, and when my intuition screams at me calling them out on their crap...I struggle to bite my tongue. When I look in someone's eyes, and their first reaction is to look away...I know the type of person I'm dealing with. However, there are some, that looking in their eyes brings a different type of intuition. Those people, are the ones you look in their eyes and you see more than you could ever put words to. It's a feeling I have learned to pay attention to. Those rare people, tend to have some much hidden in their eyes. I would love to say the eyes are the windows to the soul, and I do believe that, but sometimes it's difficult to read the fire they project. Humans are energetic beings. We each emit a vibrational frequency of energy, most don't pay attention to it though. Those energies are readable if you pay attention. Many times connections are made because that energy matches our own, and sometimes the energies change and connections are broken.

I know my own connections, those that I hold dearest in my heart, are energies that match my own. This move has allowed me to grow. Mentally, emotionally, academically, and spiritually. So, this move was not a complete wash out. It has been hard! In a year and a half, I am finding my way out of a really dark abyss that was sinking me. I'm not there anymore, not even close! However, there is a lot I have learned about myself that will require more growing; a lot I have learned that I need/want for myself, and I'm tired of putting those things on a back burner just to appease everyone else.

In just a few days, I will be back at the farm I love so dearly. It has meant leaving the life I/we have built here to go back to what my daughter calls the war zone. A lot has changed for me, will continue to change, and there have been a lot of boundary lines placed for the return to that life. There is a lot more involved now. I have a career that I love so much, in a field with people that have my respect. I am not the quiet, meek, keep to myself person I was when we left. I have learned that I still have a voice, I have a brain that still holds so much knowledge, I have the ability to do anything I set my mind to, and people that truly believe in what I am capable of. I can't wait to have all the animals, gardens, SPACE, and comfort of home; but I refuse to pushed around anymore.

My heart has been bruised by several burnt bridges, several unkind words and actions, and feeling like I've been taken advantage of; but this crazy little heart can still beat, still love, still care, and still flutter like a school girl talking to her crush! This precious heart loves my children unconditionally, without end! It cares for people even when it knows it won't get that care returned. This brain still likes to sneak in those negative thoughts to remind me to stay humble but also to know how much more I deserve. When something you are passionate about, brings your heart to a flutter or makes your brain stop the negative self-talk, and you feel alive...PAY ATTENTION! Sometimes, the struggle to follow what you feel, will conflict with what others consider right/wrong. That's when you should always follow your heart. That crazy little organ has a mind of its own.

Until next time, I will just say this: I am embarking on another journey with some familiarity but also with some new and exciting options. I'm ready!!! Game On!!!!!

<3 Salli

Love Me

Even through the beauty of the season, I find myself falling further into what feels like a really dark place in my heart. Multiple stresses from so many different directions, has me in an emotional free fall. I feel so lonely, and taken for granted. I don't feel a connection in my relationship any longer, and it scares me.

I don't feel loved, respected or that I matter beyond what I can do for everyone else. No one seems to notice the stresses or cares to acknowledge me. Feeling so lonely, and when any conversations happen within my relationship they are guarded to avoid any more uprisings, arguments or hurt feelings. I can usually keep my own needs and my own wants of touch and bonding at bay, but that's not to say I don't want or miss it. I try to keep most of the negativity I feel to myself, but I know many times some slips out anyway.

I struggle through plenty of self image problems, and have since I was a kid, but those aren't the ones I struggle with now. Now, it's a struggle to not feel completely taken for granted, alone in the stress of juggling finances, kids, household stuff, and extended family stuff. I have become increasing withdrawn, again. I'm struggling to keep my head above water.

So, in the attempt to empty a few thoughts; here is what I need to release.
There are days when I just want to curl up on the couch with arms around me that truly care. No groping or sexual intention, just to cuddle up. A time to just feel a bond of trust, friendship, and contentment. Some time to not feel like I'm inconveniencing anyone, not having demands thrown at me constantly, and not being made to feel like petulant child being ridiculed for something beyond my control. I want to matter to someone, not because of what I can do for them, but because I mean something to someone.

~S~