Merry Christmas to each of you! Christmas around my home begins the first of November. Every year I look forward to spending weeks decorating. I love the beautiful colors, warms and compassionate thoughts that Christmas brings to me. Every year, I catch a lot of grief, and that's ok. Christmas to me is not about the gifts. It is about the beauty, the compassion, the gatherings, and taking some time away from regular crazy schedules to just breathe. I know many get stressed and spend the holidays alone, and for that it makes me sad. However, anyone that knows me, knows my doors are always open to anyone that doesn't have any place else to go...holiday or not!
While Christmas is such a magical time, even for me it holds a few not so magical feelings. I do my best to push past this but once in a while they still are a hang up. I hang on to the proverbial thread of hope everyday, all year, for things to become better...the ones I have no control over. I pray everyday for my loved ones, their safety and health. I pray for guidance and many times for the great creator to keep his arm around my shoulder and his hand over my mouth! Even though there are a few that know me well enough to just be able to look at me and know what I'm thinking, without me having to say a word!
I have spent so many years learning to bite my tongue, keep my opinions to myself, control my temper, and remain professional at all times in the public eye. Sometimes, it's difficult for me only because telling people that they are delusional, have no people skills, have no business dealing people, or even telling others to get a damn backbone....usually is not taken kindly. I am no where near perfect, I make plenty of mistakes, and tend to speak like a sailor when I'm really irritated. One thing that 2019 has given me, is the constant reminder to listen to my intuition. No matter how many times I try to discredit it, it rears its head with an evident "I told you so, if you'd just listen!"
So many times, I have met people or attended events, and I just a really uncomfortable or bad vibe. I have notoriously tried to write these off as just being out of my comfort zone or being in a new situation. Every time, without fail, I find out exactly why my senses were on high alert. There have been many people that I have known that have thrown those bad/uncomfortable vibes and it causes me to instantly be on high alert, put up some pretty massive walls, or just withdraw from them all together. Whether it was the vibe I got from them, catching a lie being told to me, getting constant negativity or losing a connection/bond; I withdraw. It's my coping device until I know how to handle it, deal with it or if it's time to walk away. For years I was told I was too sensitive, but I don't believe that. I have always tried to find good even in people that were clearly not. I've tried to give people the benefit of doubt even when they proved many times over, that I would be hurt in the process. Being highly sensitive has caused me many hurts throughout my life, but it has allowed me to be more compassionate. Sometimes, I think I would like to be less compassionate and less likely to try to find good in people but it just isn't who I am.
At 36, I began a period in my life that I refer to as my personal awakening. While I'm sure some refer to it as a midlife crisis, I don't believe in those. For me, this time has been an awakening of self. It's been a time to reconnect with my spirituality, reconnect with my own thoughts and feelings, and a time to reconnect with myself. After many years(most of life), feeling that I was never good enough, that I was constantly a pawn in someone else's game, and/or allowing others to treat me disrespectfully; this period of time has been a little overwhelming. Growing up, I think most in my generation had a laundry list of the things you "should do." Graduate high school, graduate college, get married, buy a house, have a family...yada, yada. Well, I did that. I may not have done them all in a conventional manner but I did them. No one ever said, find something that makes you happy,take time to constantly learn, take time to breathe, or take time for yourself no matter what is happening in your life. I was at the tail end of the generations that believed the best thing for women was marriage and kids. I would never give up what I have done, my children or the life I have learned to live; but I wish I had take the time I needed to keep my cup full, instead of constantly trying to drink from an empty cup. While I did what I was told was the right thing; being mom 24/7, being wife 24/7, constantly playing referee, making every house into a home. The few times in 20 years that I tried to do something for myself, I felt guilty, was told I was being selfish or was accused of doing things I would not have done. So, I would slip back into the role and back into being resentful of anyone and everyone that was involved.
Even now, so many times I refuse to argue. When your feelings are discredited or you get that "I didn't know I did.." line, or it's the same issue just a different time or subject...it's just not worth a repeat argument. It falls on deaf ears, it gets turned into a guilt trip or a means of manipulation; and the actions never change. It's like living in ground hog day for 3 decades. When you attempt to communicate and you don't have the attention or support style you need, people like myself put up more walls, thicker than before. When the bond or connection is finally broke, it can never be mended.
As I am just 10 days from my 45th birthday, I have been feeling more and more in control of myself. I have felt more aware of my mind, body and spirit. More of aware of what I need, what I want and where I want to spend the next 45 years. I still have a little over 7 years before all my kids are of age, but I believe they need to see me practicing what I have always preached to them: Do what makes you happy! Find a job you can enjoy and you'll never work a day in your life. Find a partner in life that you can build an unbreakable bond, someone that won't become one of the stresses in life, and live simply. Just because you may have money in your pocket does not mean you need to spend it. Invest it, save it, donate it, or use it learn something of value. College does not make you smart or employable; it will only show you what a book says, not the way it works in real life.
As we wind down the last 13 days of this decade, I'm pleased with my overall mindset and working towards where I want and who I want to be. I have no qualms about embracing not only my uniqueness but who I am as a person. God willing, I will continue to grow, learn and become a better version of myself each and everyday.
Wishing you all the Merriest of Christmas and a healthy, happy and prosperous New Year/Decade!!
Salli
No comments:
Post a Comment