It has become increasingly difficult for me to have my coffee chats. Not because I don't have plenty to say....we ALL know that is never an issue, but because of attempting to keep my life private and the work I do private. So much of my life is beyond the "normal paradigm" for most, and it's difficult for others to understand, let alone accept. My youngest daughter was watching the movie Moana the other night. Early in the show, Moana talks to her grandmother about being content with what is expected of her, despite having dreams and desires of her own. The grandmother is a little whimsical and usually has some off-the-cuff or nontraditional words of advice. During this part of the movie, as Moana decides she just needs to accept what is expected of her and embrace it; the grandmother chooses that time to not have any remarks. It's during this exchange that Moana asks, "why are you being so weird?" to which her grandmother replys, "I'm the village crazy lady, I'm supposed to be weird." I totally related to the grandmother! I'm weird, although I prefer the term unique, and I'm ok with that.
Having had children in my house for 19 years, I think I have seen most of the Disney movies, and could relate to a few of them. I truly love Moana, it's a great example for young girls. Just as a few others have come to mind,as I've typed this: Beauty and the Beast, Brave and Frozen are two of them. I prefer movies that show girls they are capable on their own. The thing for me is, I have never believed in fairy tales. I was brought up being told if you want something, you go work for it. Don't depend on anyone else to make your dreams and goals happen. As I've gotten older, I have realized that when you depend on others - no matter what you are wanting done, you will be let down. Society in general, has changed so much since I was a young person. The young people today have a lot more stressors, a lot less outlets, and have groomed to believe they are not only entitled but also victims. We have coddled our children, we have had to label everything, make everything public, and by legalizing everything under the sun; we have caused a snowball effect of ignorance. Now, understand that by using the word ignorance, I am not saying stupid...I am saying unknowing. The actual definition of the word. Everyone is offending by everything, you can't have conversations that you have to agree to disagree about because people no longer understand that you can disagree without hating each other, so many have chosen to blame their own poor choices on anyone but themselves, taking responsibility has been diminishing, and at some point, lying has become acceptable.
Not that long ago, I was speaking to a lady that really had me riled. We were part of a group conversation that was discussing parenting and the organic lifestyle. One of her first questions was what type of parenting everyone in the group was...to be honest, I heard helicopter, and that was the one and only label I heard. Being who I am, my response was I'm a parent, period. I'm involved in my children's life everyday. She proceeded to inform me that I needed to label the type of parent I was. Needless to say, this conversation started bad and went south in a hurry. I refuse to label my parenting "style." I am a mom. That is my style. I have a job, I home school, I clean house, I do laundry, I prepare the majority of the meals, I schedule all the appointments and celebrations, I do the budgeting/bill paying, I manage the farm operations, I do all the business planning, I changed 95% of the diapers for my kids when they were babies, and I'm still the one up with them all night when they are sick. So what kind of parent does that make me? It makes me a full-time, involved Mom. Period! This lady was reeally ticked at me, from that moment on. So you can only imagine how the rest of the discussion was! She was calling out the other parents who had labels for their styles, but made choices based on their own lives. One of the Dad's in the group made the comment that his oldest daughter had gotten 3 full-ride scholarship offers from 3 different colleges. To which everyone applauded, until he relayed the rest of the information. His daughter decided against college, and had instead chosen to attend an apprenticeship to become a welder/fabricator. Oh boy, here's the thing, hypocrisy is running amok! We have all these dimwitted celebrities out there pushing for "women's rights," yet as soon as a woman decides to step into a primarily male dominated world...women go nuts! This obnoxious woman had the gall to berate and belittle this man's daughter for not attending college, for going into a guys field, and for attending an apprentice program. Fortunately, this guy was one of the few true masculine men left out there, and stood up to this woman. Not only did he put her in a place of sounding even crazier, but her pathetic arguments were met with real numbers and him having a backbone to defend his daughter. While I obviously congratulated her, I also congratulated him on raising a great person. So, while I truly believe in getting an education and teaching our young people the power of continued learning, you have some out there that only want young people educated enough to follow the masses(with the "M" being silent!).
Here's another area for me that I tend to get a little edgy about. I know I am a lot to handle. I am highly opinionated, I am set in my own ways, I have my own beliefs and values, and trust to me is bigger than anything. I am not weak or weak minded. I have faced struggles, trials and hardships not only head on but usually with every ounce of information I can garner. I try not to say anything that I don't know to be 100% accurate. I HATE gossip! When I get involved in a project, I believe in giving 100% until it's completed. However, I've learned a lot about how my personality irritates some, over the past several years. I do my best to be kind, friendly, helpful, and productive. I do not shy away from responsibility. When I find something that lights a fire in my soul, I am going to go above and beyond to ensure that that fire not only stays lit, but grows. However, when that fire is constantly being met with adversity and heartbreak, that tends to cause that flame to die out. It's similar to seeing the possibilities of something so great on the horizon, yet being stuck on a chain that only allows you to stretch about 10 feet. Sometimes, that 10' foot chain is pulled and you are now only given about 2 foot of chain. Not to mention seeing all your hard work being dragged through a mud hole. While I am a very strong and opinionated person, I gauge a lot of my responses anymore. I have learned not only in my work life but also my personal life; so much of my observations unsettle people. People can only understand what their own brain will allow and what they don't understand makes them uncomfortable and edgy. Being an observer, I tend to keep quiet a lot and just listen. You can tell a lot about a person's character by their actions, their words or lack thereof, and how they react to differing opinions. Again, observing a way people make eye contact is usually a dead ringer too. When I find something that lights my soul, I want to make things happen. I hate being put on a short leash, so to speak. I am capable of so much more than I am doing, in every aspect of my life. However, due to one tether or another, I'm being held back. It's getting to be a bit of a juggling act to keep my opinions in check, my responsibilities in order and my strong personality from overwhelming already strained situations.
Here again my strong, independent personality tends to drive people nuts! Years ago, when I was single, I loved being single. I loved my space. Even when I would be dating, I did not handle guys being overly controlling or having to be attached to my hip at every turn. Having a strong personality takes a pretty strong person to keep up. I am not easy to live with, I am not into the materialistic crap, and I have some pretty high expectations from those I allow in my inner circle. I have spent so many years denying what I need, and the time I need to allow myself to recharge that I really think some of my stress has been brought on by none other than, Me! I spent so long fighting against not really depression because it was just a dark time, but feeling really lost. My focus had been totally on my kids and my home, but I felt like something was missing. I was missing a connection, a friendship, my own identity, I suppose. For 20 plus years now, I have just been Richard's wife, my kid's mom, or married into this family or that. It began 19 years ago, and by the time my youngest was born, it was even worse. I was afraid to do things on my own, I was tired of accusations, I was not able financially to spend time with my family or friends, and the life I had prior to being a mom and wife, was basically supposed to be just forgotten. I have spent many years talking my way out of that dark area. Reminding myself I am strong, capable, and worthy of respect. For some, it may be considered depression, but that is not truly accurate. For me it was built up resentment, unhappiness, fear of the unknown, and trying to do for my kids what I needed when I was growing up. 11 years ago, I took on learning about holistic and natural health options after my daughter was born allergic to about everything. I achieved my certification with honors, 10 years ago. Since then, I have continued to stay in touch with the holistic providers that taught the class as well as others that have joined throughout the years. I have continued studying the holistic paradigm for health and continue to learn. As part of that paradigm, it's taught that mind/body/spirit balance will help achieve total health. Anyway, after several different issues in my life had left me angry, hurt, and resentful; I began talking to a few friends as lately speaking to a counselor to help me sort through some underlying issues. While I will be the first to say that everything takes two, and I know my flaws and downfalls.
As I have gone through more journals than I care to count, meditated religiously and constantly doubted myself; I have learned to trust my instincts. As I have older, I have really lightened up when it comes to yelling/fighting. Most of the time, it doesn't do any good or serve a purpose to get mad. While conversations around my house are pretty scarce when it comes to any kind of deep subject, I crave that. I have always had to have some form of connection to be close to people, I think having a caged heart doesn't help. Once I no longer feel a connection, or a benefit from a relationship(friend or intimate), I withdraw completely. I'm told it's an unhealthy coping mechanism, but I have several, so it is what it is. There are days when I am strong and self-sufficient but there are days when I just want to cuddle up with no end game and just be. I suppose that is another example of it is what it is.
As I have tried to typed today, and keep it relatively general, I've learned that while I have grown in a lot of ways, my heart is still very much guarded and not fully open to anyone, but my kids. I have struggled, I have spent a lot of time on emotional roller coasters through the years...but you will never see me give up. I will continue to find my way, even if I have to keep the title of the "village crazy lady," and make my own paths. So, the journey continues. Growth can be overwhelming, it can cause plenty of ripples but it is necessary to achieve not only your goals in life but also your purpose.
Until next time,
Salli
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