Hosting an exchange student

I have had several people asking me about my experience in hosting an exchange student. While every experience is different, I want to share mine. We had talked about this type of things for YEARS! Finally, last January, it seemed like the time was finally going to work out, after seeing an ad through one of the online groups. We contacted the lady that had posted the information, looking for further information. It seemed easy enough; Application, back ground checks, provide a bed, meals, and a home for an exchange student for either 5 or 10 months. This all seems simple enough, but in my experience there is a lot more to it. There has to be to have good experience.

Taking our time, we looked through the students profiles, we wanted to find a student that would compliment our family and our home. We don't have several of the luxuries that we had seen other host families having. We don't travel, we live on a farm in the middle of nowhere, and we do not have the extra time available for a student that wanted to be over-involved in everything under the sun. Not only were we looking for a student to fit our family, we were trying to look out for what was best for the exchange students. Putting a student in our home that was accustomed to being in 4 different sports, and was wanting to travel all over would have mode the student as well as our family, unhappy. Another area we looked at was the ages. We have a 10 year old and a 19 year old in our house. Having a student in the age brackets we were looking at, was concerning. Teenage girls tend to be more dramatic and even those from different countries have some pretty massive adjustments to make to come to a different country. Many of them had never traveled away from their parents, and that would mean having a massive adjustment in and of itself. Not to mention, the issue of being homesick. Teenage boys can have as much or more drama. While many of the same adjustments as the girls, boys tend to be more involved, more ego driven and honestly there weren't many profiles for boys when were at that stage of our decisions.

Now, We made our decision to host a student in January of 2019. That gave us plenty of time to get to know our student prior to her arrival here in the states. I HIGHLY recommend this if you are planning to host a student. The longer you have to build a bond with your student, the better experience you will have. We had to learn about an app on our phones called Whatsapp. I highly recommend this too! It allows you to text with your student before they ever arrive. You can text, send videos, and I believe even video call. Skype is another priceless tool for getting to know your student. You really need a few months of getting to know your host student, their personality, and learning about their family. Many times, this will help you both adjust once they are in your home. Being completely honest with them about your home, your expectations, your family and your lifestyle is one way to eliminate any hitches.

With your application complete and accepted background checks done, then comes the home visit. A representative that is local to where you live will come to your house to visit with anyone living in your home. This is sometimes a bit unearthing if you are like me and have an issue with people going through your house that you do not know. The thin to remember is that this is for the safety of the students coming from different countries. You would not want your child thrown into a host family that had not been completely checked out or a home that is unacceptable. These reps have to have continued communication with the students in their region throughout the students time in the states. I was fortunate enough to have found a friend in our local rep. Each student is given contact information for their local, regional and national rep, in the event they have an issue. Once you have completed your home visit, you select a student that fits your family, then you will receive their full biography, their contact information and typically a letter from the students parents. At this point, this was when we started preparing for our student. We told our families, and started preparing for having an additional young person in our home. While you can prepare for months, there are some things, you can't prepare for.

Prior to our student arriving, we had an orientation meeting with our local rep and the other host families in our area. This meeting required an hour drive in each direction. This meeting was great to get to meet other hosting families, and getting the final details before our student got here. The local reps have several events they schedule throughout the time the students are in the states. While this is a massive inconvenience for my families lifestyle, it is good for the students that want to interact with other exchange students. For my family, taking time away from our farm is just not financially or even time wise possible. For us, taking time away, takes a major undertaking and tends to cost me money that is just wasted.

Speaking of time and money. This is where I think more needs to be said when advertising for host families. Yes, a bed, food and home are the foundation for hosting a student; but that is just the bear bones, in my eyes. Hosting a student means opening your home, your family, your life and your heart to a young person; potentially across the globe from their home. This is by no means going to be easy and sometimes personalities just don't coincide. This is where taking the time to get to know your student prior to their arrival helps! When they arrive to the airport nearest to you, they have just flown across the globe and spent 2 full days on an adrenaline high in a city that never sleeps. They are going to be absolutely wiped out! They are probably going to spend the better part of 4 days sleeping! Do not schedule anything, I mean absolutely nothing, that first 4 days. They will not remember any of it! Hosting a student is all volunteer. You are not paid for food, mileage, time you have to take off work for events or illness, nothing. So, if you host a student that is involved in every sport, club, and activity...this is YOUR expense. If you host a student that has specialty diet needs, this is YOUR expense. It is also your job, the first week they are at your home to make sure they have a cellular phone to use in the states(this is their expense) and that they get enrolled at school. Make sure that the school district they will be attending doesn't have extra expenses. We found out about a computer rental requirement the day our student enrolled, and they did not have the extra cash available at that time to cover it.

Here are some of the things we were told when we attended our orientation meeting. The students are responsible for having $150-$250 monthly available for their expenses in the states. If your family decided to go out to eat you can tell your student they have to pay for their own(not my idea of having them part of your family), you can limit what they are allowed to eat in your house(again, either welcome them into your home or don't), you can leave your student unattended(again, I don't leave my own kids I will not be leaving someone else's). The students can not drive anything with a motor...this means vehicles, 4-wheelers, lawn tractors. This was very difficult for me because living on a farm it's very irresponsible and could be very dangerous in the event of an emergency.

While we have followed most of the guidelines, I refuse to have anyone in my home, that is not made fully welcome. If we decide we are going out to eat...we are paying for it. Whatever food is in my home, is available to anyone here, anytime! I do not leave my own children unattended. We haven't done any work on the farm since our student has been here, that hasn't meant the whole family being involved in, so far. You need to prepare as much as possible, not only financially but also mentally. Taking the responsibility for a young person that is so far from home can take its toll. You need to be prepared to handle homesickness, to handle the differing geographies/seasons, handling the changes they must make to fit your family, not to mention the extra finances of extra food, extra fuel, and anything that may present itself to you as you both adjust.

Our experience has been incredible. We haven't just hosted an exchange student, we have acquired another daughter. We had 6 months of getting to know our host daughter. We texted and sent videos back and forth the entire time. We were very honest from the start about not traveling, living in rural America, having livestock and dogs. We learned about our host daughter and her family, and her culture. One of our biggest driving points for choosing her, was that she was family oriented. She was used to having meals and spending a lot of time with her family. She was not interested in joining every sport or activity. She had one sport she considered, we went and watched one practice. She decided it wasn't for her; she was happier to spend the time with us. We are not rich, and we don't have much but we have allowed for the extra expenses for food, and for her birthday and Christmas. We have made a few changes to our diets and grocery shopping to allow some of her recipes to be included in our menu. She has met several of the young people in her classes and can say she is friends with a few. She's being urged to attend prom, and while I hope she does...that will be her decision. It's not my job to decide for her. She has build a very strong bond with not only her host brother and sister, but also her her host dad and me. We know she has to go back to Italy in May, she doesn't want to leave and we don't want her leave. We know we will see her as soon as she can get away to come back to America. From what she is telling us now, she wants to be able to spend 6 months here and 6 months at home. We would love that, but we will happily enjoy whatever time we can share with her. We will miss her terribly when she goes home!!

I know there will be so many more evens to take place before our host daughter returns home; including a few mini vacations and a work trip or two of mine that will be added in. For anyone considering hosting a student this year, just keep this information in mind. If you plan to host a student, truly welcome them, help them integrate into your family and your community, be mindful of how you would feel or how you would want your child to feel. Bringing a young person into your home and not treating them just as fairly as you would treat your own child, is not setting up a good scenario.

It's important to have your expectations in line now. Make sure you are honest on your application, and you consider your needs/wants as you look through student profiles. Make sure mentally and financially you are prepared to take in a student that could eat substantially more than you or requires a specialty diet. Once you choose a student, learn their culture, learn their traditions, and make sure to allow them to teach about it. I can tell you American spaghetti is NOT Italian!!! Lessoned learned for me, and I will never make it that way again! True Italian is ten times better!!!

I hope this will help those interested in hosting. It can be the best experience of your life, if you let it. I will gladly answer any questions, or concerns. It can feel a little overwhelming in the beginning, but having someone that is hosting now, may help!

Salli

January Coffee Break

It has become increasingly difficult for me to have my coffee chats. Not because I don't have plenty to say....we ALL know that is never an issue, but because of attempting to keep my life private and the work I do private. So much of my life is beyond the "normal paradigm" for most, and it's difficult for others to understand, let alone accept. My youngest daughter was watching the movie Moana the other night. Early in the show, Moana talks to her grandmother about being content with what is expected of her, despite having dreams and desires of her own. The grandmother is a little whimsical and usually has some off-the-cuff or nontraditional words of advice. During this part of the movie, as Moana decides she just needs to accept what is expected of her and embrace it; the grandmother chooses that time to not have any remarks. It's during this exchange that Moana asks, "why are you being so weird?" to which her grandmother replys, "I'm the village crazy lady, I'm supposed to be weird." I totally related to the grandmother! I'm weird, although I prefer the term unique, and I'm ok with that.

Having had children in my house for 19 years, I think I have seen most of the Disney movies, and could relate to a few of them. I truly love Moana, it's a great example for young girls. Just as a few others have come to mind,as I've typed this: Beauty and the Beast, Brave and Frozen are two of them. I prefer movies that show girls they are capable on their own. The thing for me is, I have never believed in fairy tales. I was brought up being told if you want something, you go work for it. Don't depend on anyone else to make your dreams and goals happen. As I've gotten older, I have realized that when you depend on others - no matter what you are wanting done, you will be let down. Society in general, has changed so much since I was a young person. The young people today have a lot more stressors, a lot less outlets, and have groomed to believe they are not only entitled but also victims. We have coddled our children, we have had to label everything, make everything public, and by legalizing everything under the sun; we have caused a snowball effect of ignorance. Now, understand that by using the word ignorance, I am not saying stupid...I am saying unknowing. The actual definition of the word. Everyone is offending by everything, you can't have conversations that you have to agree to disagree about because people no longer understand that you can disagree without hating each other, so many have chosen to blame their own poor choices on anyone but themselves, taking responsibility has been diminishing, and at some point, lying has become acceptable.

Not that long ago, I was speaking to a lady that really had me riled. We were part of a group conversation that was discussing parenting and the organic lifestyle. One of her first questions was what type of parenting everyone in the group was...to be honest, I heard helicopter, and that was the one and only label I heard. Being who I am, my response was I'm a parent, period. I'm involved in my children's life everyday. She proceeded to inform me that I needed to label the type of parent I was. Needless to say, this conversation started bad and went south in a hurry. I refuse to label my parenting "style." I am a mom. That is my style. I have a job, I home school, I clean house, I do laundry, I prepare the majority of the meals, I schedule all the appointments and celebrations, I do the budgeting/bill paying, I manage the farm operations, I do all the business planning, I changed 95% of the diapers for my kids when they were babies, and I'm still the one up with them all night when they are sick. So what kind of parent does that make me? It makes me a full-time, involved Mom. Period! This lady was reeally ticked at me, from that moment on. So you can only imagine how the rest of the discussion was! She was calling out the other parents who had labels for their styles, but made choices based on their own lives. One of the Dad's in the group made the comment that his oldest daughter had gotten 3 full-ride scholarship offers from 3 different colleges. To which everyone applauded, until he relayed the rest of the information. His daughter decided against college, and had instead chosen to attend an apprenticeship to become a welder/fabricator. Oh boy, here's the thing, hypocrisy is running amok! We have all these dimwitted celebrities out there pushing for "women's rights," yet as soon as a woman decides to step into a primarily male dominated world...women go nuts! This obnoxious woman had the gall to berate and belittle this man's daughter for not attending college, for going into a guys field, and for attending an apprentice program. Fortunately, this guy was one of the few true masculine men left out there, and stood up to this woman. Not only did he put her in a place of sounding even crazier, but her pathetic arguments were met with real numbers and him having a backbone to defend his daughter. While I obviously congratulated her, I also congratulated him on raising a great person. So, while I truly believe in getting an education and teaching our young people the power of continued learning, you have some out there that only want young people educated enough to follow the masses(with the "M" being silent!).

Here's another area for me that I tend to get a little edgy about. I know I am a lot to handle. I am highly opinionated, I am set in my own ways, I have my own beliefs and values, and trust to me is bigger than anything. I am not weak or weak minded. I have faced struggles, trials and hardships not only head on but usually with every ounce of information I can garner. I try not to say anything that I don't know to be 100% accurate. I HATE gossip! When I get involved in a project, I believe in giving 100% until it's completed. However, I've learned a lot about how my personality irritates some, over the past several years. I do my best to be kind, friendly, helpful, and productive. I do not shy away from responsibility. When I find something that lights a fire in my soul, I am going to go above and beyond to ensure that that fire not only stays lit, but grows. However, when that fire is constantly being met with adversity and heartbreak, that tends to cause that flame to die out. It's similar to seeing the possibilities of something so great on the horizon, yet being stuck on a chain that only allows you to stretch about 10 feet. Sometimes, that 10' foot chain is pulled and you are now only given about 2 foot of chain. Not to mention seeing all your hard work being dragged through a mud hole. While I am a very strong and opinionated person, I gauge a lot of my responses anymore. I have learned not only in my work life but also my personal life; so much of my observations unsettle people. People can only understand what their own brain will allow and what they don't understand makes them uncomfortable and edgy. Being an observer, I tend to keep quiet a lot and just listen. You can tell a lot about a person's character by their actions, their words or lack thereof, and how they react to differing opinions. Again, observing a way people make eye contact is usually a dead ringer too. When I find something that lights my soul, I want to make things happen. I hate being put on a short leash, so to speak. I am capable of so much more than I am doing, in every aspect of my life. However, due to one tether or another, I'm being held back. It's getting to be a bit of a juggling act to keep my opinions in check, my responsibilities in order and my strong personality from overwhelming already strained situations.

Here again my strong, independent personality tends to drive people nuts! Years ago, when I was single, I loved being single. I loved my space. Even when I would be dating, I did not handle guys being overly controlling or having to be attached to my hip at every turn. Having a strong personality takes a pretty strong person to keep up. I am not easy to live with, I am not into the materialistic crap, and I have some pretty high expectations from those I allow in my inner circle. I have spent so many years denying what I need, and the time I need to allow myself to recharge that I really think some of my stress has been brought on by none other than, Me! I spent so long fighting against not really depression because it was just a dark time, but feeling really lost. My focus had been totally on my kids and my home, but I felt like something was missing. I was missing a connection, a friendship, my own identity, I suppose. For 20 plus years now, I have just been Richard's wife, my kid's mom, or married into this family or that. It began 19 years ago, and by the time my youngest was born, it was even worse. I was afraid to do things on my own, I was tired of accusations, I was not able financially to spend time with my family or friends, and the life I had prior to being a mom and wife, was basically supposed to be just forgotten. I have spent many years talking my way out of that dark area. Reminding myself I am strong, capable, and worthy of respect. For some, it may be considered depression, but that is not truly accurate. For me it was built up resentment, unhappiness, fear of the unknown, and trying to do for my kids what I needed when I was growing up. 11 years ago, I took on learning about holistic and natural health options after my daughter was born allergic to about everything. I achieved my certification with honors, 10 years ago. Since then, I have continued to stay in touch with the holistic providers that taught the class as well as others that have joined throughout the years. I have continued studying the holistic paradigm for health and continue to learn. As part of that paradigm, it's taught that mind/body/spirit balance will help achieve total health. Anyway, after several different issues in my life had left me angry, hurt, and resentful; I began talking to a few friends as lately speaking to a counselor to help me sort through some underlying issues. While I will be the first to say that everything takes two, and I know my flaws and downfalls.

As I have gone through more journals than I care to count, meditated religiously and constantly doubted myself; I have learned to trust my instincts. As I have older, I have really lightened up when it comes to yelling/fighting. Most of the time, it doesn't do any good or serve a purpose to get mad. While conversations around my house are pretty scarce when it comes to any kind of deep subject, I crave that. I have always had to have some form of connection to be close to people, I think having a caged heart doesn't help. Once I no longer feel a connection, or a benefit from a relationship(friend or intimate), I withdraw completely. I'm told it's an unhealthy coping mechanism, but I have several, so it is what it is. There are days when I am strong and self-sufficient but there are days when I just want to cuddle up with no end game and just be. I suppose that is another example of it is what it is.

As I have tried to typed today, and keep it relatively general, I've learned that while I have grown in a lot of ways, my heart is still very much guarded and not fully open to anyone, but my kids. I have struggled, I have spent a lot of time on emotional roller coasters through the years...but you will never see me give up. I will continue to find my way, even if I have to keep the title of the "village crazy lady," and make my own paths. So, the journey continues. Growth can be overwhelming, it can cause plenty of ripples but it is necessary to achieve not only your goals in life but also your purpose.

Until next time,
Salli