February has been a month...not all bad and not all good...just mediocre. You see, I fill my days to the brim, most of the time. That tends to happen when you are trying to be everything to everyone. For those that don't know, I homeschool my daughter. This takes a minimum of 5 hours each day. I have spent the past 4 years helping a veteran foundation, the past couple of years has significantly increased in the number of hours I invest in that. Living on a small family farm, that includes helping with outside chores as needed, taking care of the finances, feed deliveries, keeping notebooks upon notebooks of vet care, husbandry, birth/death records, fertilizer records, and the gardens. None of the above includes meals, laundry, housework, keeping up with extended family or friends. So, while I always try to make time for everyone, sometimes I just can't do it. If you've ever called or visited, you know I rarely stop moving and when I do...I fall asleep quickly.
I love my life, for the most part. Sure, I get frustrated and angry, but I can't imagine living any other way. I would be lost without livestock, my gardens, working in the yard, and even my right now with my muddy tracks to and from the livestock checking on babies. Winter and early Spring means piling on the bibs, boots, and warm clothes to spend 20 minutes outdoors but it really does help to clear the mind.
As I write today, my mind is pretty cluttered. If you know me at all, you know that speaking my mind comes natural to me. I hate having to watch what I say, how I say it and having to guard all conversations. Having to do this, takes a lot out of me. Honestly, it drains me both mentally and physically. When need be, I do get defensive and will defend myself against anyone. I will only listen to so much belittling/degrading before I speak up for myself. I am not a stupid person nor will I be treated as such. I attempt to be always be kind but occasionally, someone comes along that drains the life and energy not to mention tests every shred of control I have. This becomes even more of an issue when it this happens, and I have my children with me. I refer to to this control as having tact in dealing with people that I find ignorant or irritating.
You see, I have a husband who is very boisterous about his thoughts when something isn't going the way it should. He is very quick to pipe up with whatever thought he has at the moment. While at times, I wish I was more like that, I'm just not. When he is ticked, everyone is going to know it and everyone is going to see it. I, on the other hand, have a longer temper and tend to follow my grandmother's adage of getting more flies with honey than vinegar. I try to take a higher road, and solve as many issues as possible with conversation and compromise. Many times, I wish I didn't have so much control over myself.
I try to always look at both sides of everything. Every story has 2 sides and typically, somewhere in the middle you will find some truth. Handling life this way becomes pretty draining, real quick. Unfortunately, when you deal with compulsive liars, control freaks, and those who are greedy...it gets ugly in a hurry. For me, this constant back and forth just drains the life and energy out of me.
I was recently in a situation that has set me backwards. It's been difficult for me. A lot of the issue fit everything I mentioned above. I believe stupidity should hurt, and maybe there wouldn't be so much of it. I have spent years controlling my temper, controlling how much information I'm willing to give, and controlling the who I allow into my inner circle. When all this is tested, it takes a massive toll on my own peace of mind...which in turn, really tests every ounce of control I have. One day this control will snap, and I will have to begin all over, but I'm finding myself in a position I wouldn't wish my least favorite person. Enough with this, I will deal with it as I need to.
Now, on to better things. Our little farm. This year, we have decided to make some necessary changes to allow for, hopefully, to allow the farm to make an income for the first time in 11 years. Before now, we have thrown money into it, trying to make things work when frankly, it's cost us more than not. I would like to believe the next 7 years will allow us to be debt free, or at least close. This farm has so much family history, and honestly before the family owned it, the history was pretty incredible. Where we live is refered to as the "lapland." This is basically an area where states have overlapped each other. To read through history, there were Native Americans here, explorers, a school, and so much more. It really is an amazing area.
Last year, our family hosted a veteran deer hunt. We had such an incredible time, met some amazing veterans and made some friends along the way. This year, our family is doing some new things. We are opening up our farm for some exchange students, some more veterans, and several family members. It's exciting to get to introduce some to this life while sharing some history, some fun and assist in rehabilitative steps. Hosting some veteran potlucks to get input on events that can help them, continuing to be involved in community events, spending time with new and old friends, and maybe even giving a bit of education along the way.
I look forward to sharing this journey as it progresses. The countdown to spring is at 29, and I for one...am ready!
Salli
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