My uneasy gut feelings have not eased but my shove into introspect is massive. I truly appreciate being instinctive but sometimes...I wish it was a little less dominate. I have struggled to find my voice in a few areas. I'm sure this is shocking to some, since voicing my opinions seems to come naturally. The truth is, some areas feel a little more like a ticking time bomb that I'm just a little more careful with. So, today, I'm going to dive into whatever decides to fly from my fingertips! Grab your coffee!! 😉
I recently had a dream that woke me up and was my catalyst to this inner review. I was standing with a group of people, that I considered my inner circle of friends. We were in a pretty intense conversation about events in the world. All of us had differing opinions, but it wasn't a friendship breaker...just an agree to disagree conversation. Anyway, of the handful of friends, I was asked what my opinion was and why I believed what I did. No one was rude, shallow or ignorant. We were truly just having a conversation. When I voiced my opinion and gave my reasoning, one of those I considered a true friend, went silent and then said nothing but walked away. The rest looked at each other wondering what had happened. When that person came back, they simply said You are just too much. You are not now nor could ever be, a good person to be around. You expect too much from everyone and I'm not able to handle it anymore. And there it was. The rest went about talking like nothing happened. So, while I am a pretty vocal person, I was stunned by this. I woke up, wondering what was wrong with me. I have always tried to give loyalty, friendship and support to my friends that are close; without being demanding of their time or attention. It really weighed on my heart for a few days. I ended up writing in my journal to try to iron out what it all meant.
The thing is, I am loyal to a fault. I am a bit much for most to handle because I don't jump through hoops for anyone. I do speak my mind, and if I'm ticked...everyone is going to know. I am, however, very cautious of who I let in my inner circle. Too many have played a game and have hurt me. Trust, in my eyes, rates up there with loyalty. Once one or both are broke, there is no going back. I've had too many in my life that end up using me for whatever is convenient at the time. It takes a while to build my trust. There are only 3 that have been close enough to stay in that inner circle for more than 20 years. I try not to be a shallow person. I thrive on deep conversations, intellect, and wonder. I struggle with surface type conversations. I just don't know how to do those. I attempt to be open minded, even on subjects I don't understand or agree with and if I know I am right...I will argue till I'm blue in the face.
Any who, that dream was my shove into some reflecting. After nearly 2 weeks of feeling uneasy, I have to assume that it plays into this unease in some fashion. I firmly believe in intuition, so maybe it was a shove to look at some claiming to be friends that aren't so much? I haven't quite figured it out. I have eased off a lot of social media due to so much drama and false information. The only one I am on regularly anymore, is Telegram.
My life is busy, just like everyone else's. I find being on our little farm is a safe haven for me. It brings me peace. Even though with all the rain, it is bringing flooding/mud/and really messy floors! I could sit with my ducks, chickens and goats for hours. They are peaceful, funny and relaxing. I love to see the sheep roaming the pasture and running to the barn when they hear my husband. They are, after all, his girls. I love to see my work in the garden, start to show signs of produce. We had fruit on our trees for the first time ever this year! The hail storm ended that rather quickly, but it gives me promise for next year. My grape vines are loaded this year! I'm hopeful to get to finally make some jelly from my own vines. I love to see the cows and calves wander to the fence when my son and "adopted" son get ready to feed them. I love knowing we have our own little resort right here on sight with our pool and firepit area. While there is a lot of maintenance to both, it's something I am proud of and happy for. Having the 3 kids here, they continually make me laugh. They are always telling me they love me, offering hugs, and thanking me for what I do. Even though that is not necessary, because I do what any good mom would, it is refreshing to know my efforts are not taken for granted. If I mention something that needs done, one of them is on it! With just 5 acres left to mow and bale, we have gotten ahead of the game this year....for the first time ever. We may even be able to get a second cutting on some of it.
Since I am continuously doing something, I haven't spent much time out and about the past few months. I have had to resort back to lots of phone calls. The increased prices of everything have really kicked our budget already. The increase in fuel, commodity prices...all equate into higher gas prices at the pump, higher delivery prices, higher feed prices, and higher grocery prices. When incomes don't increase or decrease...that immediately eats into any budget. It's pretty sad to go from finally making ends meet to not in just a few months, but it is what it is, and I won't whine about it. I'm a fixer, not a whiner.
For us, we homeschool year round. We decided to take July off to catch a breath and so I can get the next section of schooling planned. It's amazing how things change through the years. Not to mention the learning styles that are different from child to child. I love teaching them, and even though we have tough days...I wouldn't trade the bond it has built for the kids and I. As I have researched and learned, I have passed it on and encouraged my kids to continue learning also. I firmly believe education is something that should always continue.
As I get ready to start my day, here's a few final thoughts for today. Each day, start it with a grateful heart. Send up a prayer of thanks. Each day we open our eyes is a blessing. No matter what struggles you face, you are here on Earth for a reason. Be kind to others. You never know what battles they are facing and you may be the only that is kind to them in their day. Life can be a juggle act, with several items in the air at all times, but it's no excuse to be a prick. You pick your battles, and let the rest work itself out. Life is about experiencing all the moments, not controlling them. Living a life of integrity, loyalty and blessings is possible for everyone, you just have to work towards it.
For the love of God, Family, Friends and Country,
Salli
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