Chapter 47 - my year in review

 

My 47th chapter has begun. It's incredible to think about how much has changed in just my 47 years. I can't imagine what it's like for those older than me. If you have read my social media, you know my deep thinking has me in kind of a strange spot. I spend a lot of time thinking, learning and going within myself. Most of the time, I am quite happy being just me and not socializing. People tend to ruin my people skills..rather quickly! 😏

I have spent 2 years in kind of a weird position. Knowing I do not trust anyone fully, but trusting some more than others. Sadly, even when my intuition screams at me, I don't always listen. I tend to give too many chances, always believing there is good in everyone. Sometimes, even though I know there is, the actions presented do not reflect the words. So, we all know we can talk a good game. The proof is in the pudding, as the phrase goes. When actions don't reflect words, you have to pay attention. Unfortunately, I have seen this too many times, first hand. 

God knows I am no where near perfect. I have made my share of mistakes, made more than enough stupid decisions, and been plenty judgemental. This weird spot, is that I am trying to learn and grow more everyday. I want to be and do better. I don't want to blindly just exist. I'm not happy with mundane. I have enough down times, but I don't want to camp out in negativity nor spend all my efforts there. Rather than whine about issues, make excuses, etc., I want to fix things. I want to excel and be better. In my own pursuits, I've found that my inner circle has gotten so small. I haven't found enough other people that are doing their own growth. I've had negative responses from others as I reach out to find like minded people, on both the outside and within my household. It's difficult to do your own growing when you have plenty of others not willing or able to do the same. 

That brings me to my very personal and usually not talked about life. Life for me seems to be a 3-ring circus at any given moment. I have 5-6 people living within my house, and 3 that live on my property. That makes for 8-9 people constantly in ear. I will not complain because I love my family/extended family, but it makes me crazy. For 23-24 years, I have spent my life in Missouri, and most of that has been spent dealing with stuff alone. Most of that time, was raising kids and learning to be a "farmers wife." It meant going from break-neck speed with everyone in my extended family know my every move to moving at turtle speed and feeling isolated. It was a massive transition that I didn't handle well for about the first 10 years. In that time, I dealt with cancer, having 2 kids, lots of arguments, and basically a one foot out the door at all times attitude. It was exhausting; mentally and physically. I had a few years that weren't too bad. They were comfortable and I will dare say even fun. Then, we had another major transition, and that was a disaster! Thank God, it was only a couple years and we ended up back to what feels like home to me. The past 3 years, have been a shit-ton of work and reevaluation. Then we were slammed with nearly 2 years of this virus B.S.  Which included nearly 6 months of unemployment(an a loss of income...not sure who got to enjoy that "extra money" it wasn't us!), and now we are still trying to get caught back up from that. It was taking on extra debt to try to get to a point of making ends meet...somewhere. Then the prices began increasing everywhere but our income did not. Then we agreed to let a family member put a camper here while they worked on a rental, then the rental fell through and there weren't any other options available before it got cold. So, now we have a tiny house with usage of our utilities on the property; and I have more energies hitting me from more sides. It's not a problem...just a difficult adjustment for me. To be blunt, I just have too much on my plate, not enough time, not enough energy, and ZERO time alone. People truly do not understand when I say I don't get time alone...I really don't!! I am responsible for one child and myself, but have the weight and energy of 9 people all day, everyday! If I am not cooking or cleaning, I am attempting to teach, attempting to learn, taking care of the animals that give me a much needed release, trying to keep up with my parents, friends when I can, budgeting, meal plannings, grocery planning, my husband's business stuff, attempting to remember meetings I should be attending, or a million other things. I'm freaking tired!!!  Most days it's a struggle to maintain at least an ok attitude...not even going to attempt a good one right now. And of everything I have mentioned...none of it includes making time for my husband, let alone making time for myself. I have constantly got people talking at me. I have constantly got energies draining me, and attitudes affecting me. 

How do you tell people, nicely, to get the "F" away from you so you can think? While I am known for being blunt/straight forward...I do not like to be rude or ignorant. I do not like to be negative, since that plays into my own emotional health. I work very hard to not fall into the negativity trap. I am constantly striving to find light in even negative/dark situations. However, I'm finding myself slipping into that direction. I am aware of this, so I know I will just work harder to avoid that dark hole....but it's draining. I don't like to behave rudely, it makes me feel like shit. When I do snap, and behave that way, it weighs on me. I don't want to hurt anyone, but at the same time, I ask myself if anyone else feels the same. It seems that people are quick to be rude, condescending and manipulative; yet when you return the behavior...you are the ass. Honestly, I am ready to throw my hands in the air and tell everyone they are on their own. Will I? Probably not, that's NOT who I am. 

In the past several years, I have slowly had to learn who I am...not as a wife, or mom...or any of the other hats I wear, but ME as a person. Some of what I have learned has been good, some not-so-much. I've had to accept that who I am, does not mean that others will respect/accept/like me. No big deal on that front for me. I'm not worried about others opinion of me. Honestly, that is my least concern. What I do care about is, do I like me? Am I doing/being the best I can? I am staying true to who I am? Am I accepting who I am and comfortable in my own skin? The short answer: yes and no. I've found myself in situations that I should have never been in, I've found myself in situations that I could have done more and some I should have followed my instincts instead of disregarding them. I've found that people can only accept you, if you fit in their vision of who you should be. Other situations that were slowly taken away from the original view and the new view was not in line. For me to me, I have to accept all of who I am. Some is good, some not, some changes as I learn and grow, and some falls off to the side.Not everyone is who we are, and that has been one of the hardest lessons for me. People are no longer striving for integrity, common courtesy, or even transparency. So much and many have become greedy, self-indulged and controlling. 

 

As I have learned more, it has forced me to grow. I have had to take off the blinders of simply following the masses. Honestly, this journey began for me in 2012, sort of. I guess a big portion began in 2012...it truly began in 2000, with the birth of my first child. However, I had a major kick in the ass in 2016, and again in 2020. When the Universe wants you to pay attention, it will shove you if you don't! The signs will become so obvious that you won't be able to ignore them, the longer it takes you to open your eyes. I believe we have generational issues that seep down, the longer we neglect to face them. Whether that be abuse, neglect, or whatever. While I tend to laugh, a regular phrase in my house is, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Sadly, that is not always a good thing. Sometimes the hurts, emotional traumas, poor decisions, etc, are excused because "that's just a family trait." Well, I'm tired of the acceptance of excuses for not being the best human we can be. We allow others to treat us poorly, take us for granted, use us, and manipulate us; because we excuse their behaviors as family traits or not knowing better. That is quite frankly, a crock! When we allow others to treat us like we don't matter, like we are just "expected" to do things, or made to feel guilty for trying to change those behaviors....we are accepting this and even consenting to it. WRONG!!! Just stop! Go back to the Golden Rule: Treat others in the manner in which you wish to be treated! It is NOT a difficult concept! I am guilty of this myself. I have allowed myself to be used, manipulated, taken for granted, and the battering ram for any and all. 

 

I am just beginning my 47th year on this crazy world. I do not make resolutions, because I don't keep them. I do, however, set goals. Every single year, around my birthday, I reevaluate those goals. I look at what I have accomplished, what I haven't and what I want to. I see what has worked, what hasn't and what I need to do to change that. I am once again going over all this. It could take me a day, week or who knows how long, but I am reevaluating all of it. I am looking at every single aspect of my life. I know this year has been a massive struggle for me. I have lost or let go of a lot of stuff and people. I have learned that even those closest to me, don't know me. That may very well be my own fault. I have found myself withdrawing more and more all year, and no one seems to notice...if they do they don't question it. I've found this year to be very humbling and even more crushing. Yet, in all this reflection, I know what matters most to me...that is my family. Even though they tend to be some of the negative energies, they are still my world. 

 

As I move forward, I pray this year of my life brings me some balance and peace. I'm not good at "faking it till you make it." I tend to show expressions without even trying. I am working toward being a better a person, each and every day. I may struggle and have rough patches, but I will never give up. I come from a long line of strong women, I just have to find my place in that line. 

 

Thanks for another year, and I hope you will keep up with me throughout the coming year. It will undoubtedly be an adventure. 

Salli

Salli's Soap Box

 

Today, my thoughts are racing! I have had a really hard year and I have had nearly every belief shattered and thrown into the wind. Every truth I thought I knew, every belief I held and defended, and every respected person - in my eyes, has been tarnished. The world has become even more chaotic than previous years. Today, I'm going to jump from my soap box into many rabbit holes I have researched, many beliefs that have thrown into question and get these chaotic thoughts out of my head!

Let's start with me. I'm happy to share my downfalls, as I know there there are plenty. I am someone who feels on a deep level. I tend to experience the emotions of others - right along them. Even when they are not my own, I FEEL them. Whenever I am in any situation, I will go through my own thoughts, but I feel the thoughts of others, without even trying or wanting to. I've experienced aches and pains of others, emotions of all kinds, and honestly have learned to recognize the difference from mine to others - for the most part. This is something I have dealt with since I was a child, but has intensified the older I get. I know there are many people that find this weird. That's ok! I find it weird that people can have a mind that only thinks a single thought at a time! Each of us are unique...this is just mine. Whenever life gets chaotic, the world gets restless; I feel it. Like to my bones, FEEL it! I don't understand others NOT being able to show empathy or compassion. I believe that is one of my biggest downfalls - I follow my feelings, not anything else. I pray, I meditate, and I pull within myself a LOT! That is my "super power." In a room full of people, I can withdraw, being their physically does not necessarily mean I am there mentally/emotionally. Many times, I have to do this because there are too many emotions of others for me to be able to function. I don't say all this for any other reason than to point out that we are all unique in our make up. 

For many decades, those who were believed to be odd/weird, were ostracized from society. They were made to feel different, odd, mad, crazy, or whatever label you want to put on it. However, now, we are willingly putting labels on everyone. Be it, skin color, religion, sexual orientation, jabbed or not, and it's those in power that have begun segregating us once again. Why?! The majority of people are not biased people. We all just want to live our best lives, make ends meet, be with our families, and celebrate life. Most of us don't care about labels. What matters is whether you are a good person or a bad person. We need to be a united front against those control freaks in power and remind them that we are one people, and that We The People hold ALL the power...not the other way around! 

Christmas is just a few days now. Now, our resident-in-chief, has decided to hold meetings with CEO's about the supply chain. Where was he and his administration 3 weeks ago, a month ago, 3 months ago? How is it possible that in 2019 there was a list of variants to the current bio-weapon published, AND it is coinciding with the past nearly 2 years? Why and how was this pandemic predicted and patented in 2018? Why was there a drill that predicted every aspect of this illness before it happened? Why did many of the U.S. elected officials buy stock in the pharmaceutical companies just before the release of the jab? Why are some sitting on BOTH sides of the isle profiting from the rest of us being forced, many against their will, just trying to live our lives. When and Why is our Constitution and Bill Of Rights being walked all over and no one is questioning this?! Why is our medical information any concern to anyone besides our providers and us? When did it become acceptable to bribe, coerce or require ANY medical treatment?  When did America become communist? Does no one else see what it happening? Why is no one standing up for themselves, for our freedoms, or for our liberties? Has all the military deaths and wars not meant anything to anyone else?

Since March 2020, I was thrown into an arena that floored me but more importantly, it was the kick in the ass to open my eyes. Many know my family voluntarily locked down for 2 weeks in March 2020. We have several with compromised immune systems in our house, so we decided to do what we could. Shortly before the 2 week mark, my husband was notified that even though he was an "essential" employee, the jobs his company did were all shut down, so he was on indefinite layoff. That layoff lasted until August 2020. I had more time on my hands, since I had a full time extra set of hands. I was online one day and came across a story that claimed our elected officials were installed by those with more power than our government. I didn't believe it, but it gave a lot of examples. With just a minor amount of research, I found information on Google that proved that story correct. Even though there were journalists claiming it was fake/false/conspiracy. From that story, opened a spider web of information that nearly 2 years later...I am STILL finding more information. I stopped using Google in late 2020, when articles were either censored or flagged. I went to Duck Duck Go. So far, that search engine is still somewhat uncensored. Then Youtube began censoring or removing videos...some I had watched and went to re-find, only to find they were no longer there. Well, Bitchute, Rumble turned out to be a place to find those. Then Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and one other that I can't remember, began massive censoring. I am in Facebook jail about every other day...and I honestly don't share anything I can't back up with facts! Over nearly 2 years of research, amounting to over 1000 hours worth, I have found so many lies we have been fed. Sadly, many don't even want to acknowledge. They choose to stick their heads in the sand, rather than face that our own government is at the top of the list in crimes against humanity, war crimes, money laundering, and pedophilia. The last...is the hardest one for me to swallow. When 95% of our politicians are corrupt and compromised by their own behaviors, we need to remove them! Not give them free will to continue their satanic behavior, not encourage them to rape/torture and kill our children. Every single war, every major catastrophe, every single move these freaks makes is to enrich themselves. It's about power, control and money. I grew up believing that money was the root of all evil. Sadly, that is not true. It's the LOVE OF MONEY that is the root of all evil. Don't believe me? Go search for yourself. I will recommend a few video series: The sequel to the Fall of the Cabal, Out of the Shadows, and The Fall of the Cabal. 

When I set out nearly 2 years ago, I was actually looking for anything to show me that what I was reading/watching was wrong or made up...turned into some of the most heart wrenching realizations I could have imagined. I would have never imagined the evil that has consumed our planet, not just in the U.S. but worldwide. There are billions of people around the world, that are good people, in every country! We are not that different. These corrupt political parties from the U.S. to the UK, Ghana to China, Venezuela to Gibraltar, Canada to Russia. Our countries, our people should never be subjected to labels by those creating the labels and the crimes. All of our countries have been raped, pillaged, and devastated or destroyed by corrupt, evil people - some countries for centuries!! We continue to be lied to by our media, our government and the very censoring they are forcing on us. Many of medical practitioners have been paid off or bought to force health responses based on kick backs they receive by pushing them. They have been denied the ability to treat with patients with medicines that actually work and instead forced to use experimental proceedures/medicine that is killing people. Our medical industry has become a captured operation, just as our court systems, our governmental offices, and in some cases our police forces. It's been beyond disturbing most of what I have learned. I have had some severe cases of cognitive dissonance, especially when it came to children. I had to push past that, because if I put my head back in the sand, I was doing no justice to those children nor to my heroes...the men and women who fight to defend our Constitution, our military. 

You see, after years of working my ass off to do whatever I could to help veterans; I found myself in a position that required me to make a choice(pick a lane). I will always do whatever I can for them, even if it's on my own. However, I chose to pick a lane that resonated with my own soul. After a year and a half of contemplating it, I stepped away from the 501 world. It was heartbreaking for me. I am still trying to find my feet from that. Anyway, the more I learned, the less a part of that model I wanted to be part of. I want and do help people, but it's from my heart. It's not for notoriety nor for money. I help because I want to. I don't want to deal with a 3-ring circus, a constant battle or defending something that I am not privy to understand/know. I have gotten to know some really good people, but the 501 world is more than just a bunch of red tape, it's a world that really is allowed to break rules and not be held accountable...unless it's one made of people that are truly good. While I engrossed myself for 4 years, it no longer resonated with me. 

As I said, I am a person who feels, sometimes too much. I have spent years learning and listening to my own instinct, body and intuition. It has taken me years to truly hear it and understand it. When I feel something, I feel it in my bones. I don't know any other way to explain it. To feel this deeply, means a lot of overwhelm and the past year plus has caused many migraines. I have visited with doctors, some say it is self-induced and others relate it back to my abilities. This type of "feeling" requires a lot of down time, and a lot of recovery time after being around a lot of people. Sadly, it's a built in bullshit detector. I know when I'm being lied to, I just know. I know when a story is "made up" and this tends to cause me to withdraw even more. It's difficult being a feeling person in a world that has become so cold. You quickly become emotionally drained. Mental and emotional exhaustion is off the charts. You have to learn to balance yourself, which I am still not good at. I feel guilty when I have to take time for me, when I want to just take off for days and not talk to or deal with anyone, and even finding hobbies requires a special blend of quiet and productivity. 

After all I have learned, the idea of trust is another issue that comes into play. Sadly, I have had a few that played me for awhile. I really didn't see or feel an issue, at least initially. I can usually get a good grasp on people within minutes of meeting them. For a couple of years, I let down my guard. I had to learn the hard way to trust my gut, again. People are not always what they appear to be. I've come across some that outright use others, while others use them until they get what they want...then they no longer have a purpose for you. So, trust is something I have had to take back. I do not trust. I just don't. I keep everyone at arms length, to protect myself. 

Christmas this year has truly devastated me. I love this holiday, it's my favorite. I love the beautiful decorations, the warmth and caring that is usually part of this time of year. This year, I started out excited! I was thrilled to have all 4 of my kids here, and I am still. However, the feelings overall, I am receiving is so negative. I know these are not my own. As I have shared a small piece of my thoughts on this on my social media, I'm finding so many that are feeling the same way. Some are not usually real festive, but others that are...are also feeling the negativity. For me, I'm doing everything I can to focus on the things and people I love. I have had to send prayers for negativity to dissolve and to be able find the joy again. 

Thanks for getting this far. I truly am ready to see all truths come to light in a world that seems to have been upended. If you have family that you will be spending Christmas with, try to be mindful of those family members that seem to be disconnected or stray off alone from time to time. They may also be "feeling" too much. They may need that escape to rebalance themselves. If they need to leave early, understand that it is out of necessity not just because they don't want to be there. 

Merry Christmas everyone!

Salli

Coffee Chat AND Soap Box

 

I am on a tangent already this morning! I am so tired of incompetent, lazy and quite frankly, ignorant people...I am truly at my wits end. I'm going to attempt to calm my racing thoughts long enough to get them out of my head...no promises though. This is a coffee chat but a bit of a soap box too! I have had about 6-9 months of frustration that I have done my best to keep under wraps, but I am about to blow the top off that box. 

People will inevitably surprise you. That could go good or bad. The people you believe to be good, honest people will turn out to be no better than those they claim to dislike. While some that you believe to be questionable will never let you down. It's such an upside world. The ones you believe you have connections and friendships with are the ones that disappear like they never existed. I'm not talking about those that you are close to that are having to live their lives and you can only touch base occasionally, I'm talking about those that claim to be friends and disappear when the water gets a little rough. Oh well, I guess to each their own. 

I'm struggling. I have been excited for Christmas this year, since this would be the first one to have all my kids home at the same time. My family was finally able to get pictures done with everyone and even our "Italian daughter" is here. However, there has been so much that has put a monkey wrench in everything that I am ready to be done with Christmas. I can't seem to get anything done. Christmas shopping has been stalled and I should have been done a month ago since I started early. I spent a week getting ready for our Annual Christmas Open House, and had such a poor attitude with that...and usually that is my catalyst for Christmas spirit. Now, I keep hearing about bullshit illness drama that is complete hogwash! You can not test for an illness that has not been isolated, let alone test for "variants" that sound like the result of an honest days work. People keep complying thinking they will be able to go back to normal...but by complying you will never get back to normal. Use your damned heads for more than a hat rack!!! So, instead the health departments are illegally using tracking to quarantine anyone and everyone in contact with a supposed illness that can not be tested for, the government is attempting - thankfully a few courts are not corrupt and are putting a stop to it - to require a gene therapy. Just in case you weren't aware, a vaccine is designed and defined as something that helps prevent the spread and protects the recipient from the illness. What is being offered does neither! Instead lots of people have allowed their DNA to be altered, and continue to do so by taking more and more of this crap into your body. By altering your DNA, they are overriding your immune system and this gene therapy is causing your body to battle itself. Anyone pushing this crap should be charged with crimes against humanity, along with anyone requiring masks for children should be tried for child abuse! Do your own research and stop blindly following the masses...usually the "m" is silent!!

Incompetence has become a major pet peeve for me. I do not purchase much online anymore. When I do, I expect that my packages will be delivered as they are supped to do. For at least 8 months now, that is not the case. A majority of companies have begun shipping FedEx. For whatever reason, 95% of the places I order from use them now. BIG mistake!!! I don't know if this is an issue everywhere or just here, but I can guarantee that if a package is being delivered by them...I will not have it for as much as 2 weeks AFTER the promised delivery date. This is unacceptable!!! If that's not enough, following their tracking information...is a joke! The latest package, has shown it to be delivered at least 4 times since the 4th of December and yet, it still shows that it is returned to the hub every single day. There have been packages showing as undeliverable due to no one at residence...there is ALWAYS someone at my house 24/7.  It will show delayed, or left at front door...which is humorous since the driver will only leave packages at my gate - rain or shine. I am so fed up with the amount of bullshit that is spewed from so many directions!!!!!!!!!

I am seriously at my breaking point. I have had enough of everything!!! If it weren't for a sense of responsibility, I would take a vacation all by myself, turn off my phone and just disappear for a bit. I do everything I can to help everyone else, making their lives a little easier, and all I seem to get is more stress! Apparently, by trying to help everyone, I have prevented others from being able to function on their own without having to turn to me for guidance on everything. If I am not pushing, it's not going to get done...at least not in a timely manner. It's irritating. I have always said, "a lack of preparation on your part, does not constitute an emergency on mine." Apparently, because I am home all the time, I have all the time in the world to cater to everyone else's needs, wants, and issues. By taking all this on, I have not been able to do anything that I want to do or enjoy. I have not built any furniture in nearly 2 years, I have taken any pictures really in about as long. I've missed 3 veteran coffee meetings due to illnesses and demands here. I'm tired, mentally/physically & emotionally!!!  I'm trying to find solid ground but I'm just not. I'd break down and cry if I could....but I can't cry for some reason. I am so far beyond overwhelmed that I just get angrier instead of calming down. I'm tired of being told one thing and finding out the opposite has happened....or nothing is being done. I know a lot of my frustration comes into play over my own expectations. I know what I do and will do, and when others neglect to do things, it hurts me...rather than deal with hurt, it turns to anger. 

I am someone, even if it has been buried for a long time, that wants to celebrate everything. From little accomplishments to big, holidays, birthdays...everything. I truly believe life should be a celebration. However, I have become pretty jaded over the years. Even though I try to celebrate holidays and birthdays still, I have neglected everything else. You get tired of being told it's stupid, a waste of time, why bother, etc. If that is how you feel, fine. It's no one else's problem to deal with but you. I've heard it all. Over the years, I've allowed these thoughts to enter into my own thoughts...and sadly, some have taken hold. I'm a strong person, I was raised to be. I was raised to be self-dependent. When you depend on others, you allow for others to have control over you. So, no one has ever fully been let into my entire being. Some have gotten deeper than others but I can't say there is a single person that knows all there is to know about me. To me that is sad, but it is what it is. A few that I allowed to get closer have let me down or disappointed my trust; so they are just completely removed from my life. As I said, I'm tired. 

I could go on and on about so much irritation in my own life at the moment. I need to take a step back, reevaluate and find a new path. What I've been doing is no longer working. I believe the coming weeks will be about finding some form of balance, somehow. Until then, I encourage you all to use some sense, some common courtesies, some common sense and some compassion.