Good Morning!
Well, I'm taking a minute before starting into anymore chores to share a topic of conversation in a group, that I had this morning. This topic is one that I don't have the most positive response to, most of the time. Many that know me, have heard my off-the-cuff, opinion about marriage. This morning, I broke it down, and thought I would share it here too.
Yes, I am married and have been for 23 years. There have definitely been some major up and downs in more than 2 decades. That is to be expected. I also have a child that is planning his wedding. So, that being said, I have a serious bad taste in my mouth about marriage...it does not help having come from divorced parents. I've studied, for many years, the marriage statistics. They aren't good folks! The past 80 years have shown the likelihood of divorce is pushing 75%. So, why is that? Well, there are a myriad of possibilities. Everything from mental health issues, to lack of truly getting to know someone, to affairs/abuse or truly just getting lazy. The "experts" can put all sorts of fancy/technical terms and words into this scenario but I prefer layman terms. So, here are my 2 cents:
I do believe in marriage. I do believe that 2 people can find love, respect, friendship, and so much more together. However, I have seen first hand, when people get married....they get lazy! Let me explain. Once 2 people get into a long term relationship(marriage or not), the conquering quest is over. They got the prize. They no longer need to be on their best behaviors. All of this is true for men AND women. They no longer find the need to be romantic, thoughtful, or go out of their way to keep the respect of their significant other. They start taking each other for granted. They no longer take time to "date" their significant other. They start making assumptions and excuses. As years pass, these poor behavior choices tend to intensify and become the norm. The initial expectations from relationships begin to falter as each person makes excuses for the behaviors of the other. They find themselves in a deep rut, that only gets deeper the longer it's allowed to continue. The 2 people lose the ability to have conversations that are meaningful or beyond surface. Then you begin to bring in other issues that tend to be a lot worse. Both people at this point are not really unhappy, but not really happy either. So, now you have a big issue, and typically by this point, there are children involved...and THEY are the ones to suffer the most, but that's a whole different conversation.
As a woman, I am a talker. I try to rationalize to everything. I want to talk through whatever thoughts I'm dealing with at the time. I know men and women are different. However, I can't help but wonder if there is some all-knowing-knowledge about marriage and relationships that neglected to be passed down. I know years ago, people just worked on their marriages, and stuck through thick and thin. I get that. At what point though, does that work become, all for naught?
As I said, I have been married a while. We have had some pretty trying and even bad spells. We have reached that lazy point...both of us. While I can recognize that, I don't know how to fix it. There are so many, that I personally know, that have reached this same point. You aren't happy but you aren't really unhappy. You don't have the connection with your significant other that you really wish you did. You or your spouse feel like you're being taken for granted or disregarded. Yet, I see some, that have found their way out of that rut. No relationship is perfect, but you see and hear some that seem pretty damned good. I have a few relatives that have done what they needed to, and now seem so happy. So, I suppose there is hope on that front.
I have tried to encourage my son and future daughter-in-law, to talk about everything. To understand that you can say "this will never happen to us," but to have a plan "just in case." To understand that every marriage has its ups and downs...and you can either work and grow together or you will grow apart. To recognize when they are taking advantage of each other, and to make sure it stops. To understand that finances, children, and extended family can be a major stressor for any marriage. To make sure they keep their independence while keeping their marriage bond the backbone of everything they do. To ALWAYS be each other's protectors in public, even if they have to go have a private yelling match. To understand that there will be times you are going to go to bed mad at each other...but learning to be respectful to each other and say, "I am mad, but I love you and we need to sleep on this, and take a look in the morning with fresh eyes."
So, while I tend to warn off marriage, it's not because I don't believe in it, per-say. I just know, that too many rush into it with rose colored glasses and forget that marriage isn't about the wedding day. It's about everything that comes after that. It's the snarky remarks, the pet peeves, the conversations, the illnesses or debts, it's about the outside sources of influence, it's about the precious children, it's about the forgotten birthdays/anniversaries, it's about the burned meals, the hurt feelings. It's about holding hands and feeling the love through touch. It's about the plans for your future and working towards them together. It's about finding common ground when life seems to take on a life of its own. It's the late work shifts or second jobs to make ends meet. It's about the laundry piles, the dirty dishes, the dirt floors, and the empty gas tanks. It's about the emotional meltdowns, the hard conversations when things aren't going good. It's giving and accepting constructive criticism, without being an ass. It's snuggling into your spouses arms when the wolf or world is pounding on your door, and THEY are your safety. It's about raising those precious children to not only be productive members of society, but to kind and compassionate, and to see the way a relationship SHOULD be.
So there are my thoughts from this mornings conversations.
No comments:
Post a Comment