Coffee Chat

 

Good Morning!

With the entire world in chaos, I seem to be feeling more anxious. A couple weeks ago, I began experiencing a bit of what I heard today, as a fear paralysis. That was a perfect description. I have struggled to explain all the chaos I have learned with my family. They get tired of hearing about everything. My husband made a comment yesterday, about how much of our lives are we supposed to put on hold? For me, I don't see a lot of our life as being on hold, but moreso being a more responsible life style. I'm struggling, as the overall manager of our lives, to pay down debts and make sure our family has what it needs. I haven't really felt like we have put much on hold. Anyway, after the initial fear response of not being prepared enough, not having enough of what would be needed if SHTF, not having the support or understanding from my own family...it allowed my own immune system to get down, which in turn lead to a couple days of migraines and getting sick for a week. Sunday, was the first day in a few weeks that I felt "normal." 

It's a strange position to be in right now. I've done this research, I've studied so much, I have sacrificed several things I personally wanted to do, all in the name of making sure I could take care of my family. I have spent a lot of time learning things that I knew nothing about. I have taken whatever extra money I could scrounge up from an already tight budget, to make a little extra towards paying down debts or paying them off, or putting towards backup plans for food/water or other necessities. I quit going just about everywhere to eliminate extra fuel expenses, I haven't bought any lumber and in turn haven't build anything new this year. I decided to focus on only what was absolutely needed. I expanded my garden to allow for extra vegetables to try to help not only with extra food, but better quality food. I have literally thrown myself into basic solitude to make sure my family is taken care of. Understand this, I am not bragging nor am I looking for ANY recognition. I am however, speaking my truths. 

I have spent so much time outdoors this year, and that has been my time to reconnect with Source/God. You see, I don't believe in church, I believe in God. So, I refer to my time of insight as spiritual. Some of the biggest hypocrites and sinners proved to me that faith in God has NOTHING to do with a building. Many of us can sit and preach Bible verses all day long, but when we look at our actions....we are all sinners...we just may sin differently than others. So, instead I have learned to listen to my instincts. I listen to my gut. I do my best to be a good person, sometimes I fail. I am only human. I judge, I get angry, I hold grudges; I try not to, but it happens. 

 

Talking to a long time friend the other night, I realized a lot of things. I won't go into depth here, but it was kind of a smack to the head of many realities for me. Not bad, but kind of a wake up call. You see, when you work or strive to become or be what someone else believes you should be...you lose yourself and end up in a pretty dark place.  The same holds true when you feel you are the only person working towards being and doing better. I've really struggled, for a while now, in several areas. During my conversation, we were talking and it came out of my mouth, that I had become very angry at everything. Until that point, I couldn't pinpoint an emotion to fit what I had been feeling. Anger seems to be the best description. I've worked hard to keep my emotions to myself. By doing this, it has had me in a very dark place for a long time...I just never could put my finger on emotions. I don't handle emotions well anymore. I buried them for too long. 

I have been very blessed in life. That is not to say anything is perfect, but I do thank God for those blessings! However, I have learned a LOT of hard lessons in my life. Those lessons have changed me...some for the better, some not. I try very hard to not become calloused and unfeeling. In many areas, this has caused me to go to other extremes...like being too nice, or putting up with too much shit. Or making excuses for bad behaviors of others and allowing them to continue to be in my life. Sometimes, you hold so tightly to that last thread of hope, you don't realize it wouldn't hurt near as badly as just letting go. It's that letting go, that requires you to deal with other emotions. Some of which you can never get answers for, you can't rationalize, and when those emotions have existed for decades; you don't know how to manage them. 

I'm going to get this little chat published today but when too many lessons/emotions begin bubbling up, you need to address them. Talking through these things helps a lot of women, but not all. Find something that works for you. Don't keep things buried. It will bring out other things that could have been avoided.