Speaking MY truths.

                    Speaking MY truths, as I see and understand them.

                     Even strong people have weak days!

Some of you may have read my social media yesterday. I have had some pretty crappy days this year. However, I am a fighter, and I will overcome them. I always do. 

The person I have become, has allowed too many things to culminate before speaking up. I have allowed poor behaviors(my own and others) to dictate the very directions I go. This is so NOT the person I know myself to be. I have gone with the flow, let stuff roll off my back, and have not spoken up for what I know to be right, for too long. I've allowed bad behaviors, disrespect, and taken on the responsibilities for other's behaviors instead of making them face their own music. I let go of the tight ship I ran, the organization I needed, and let go of most of the things I needed to be able to decompress. I need to change this! 

I need to dive into an area, although I am still learning, that seems to be a common thing for many people my age. Holy crap! We hit mid-life. How can we be closer to 50 than 40, where did our 30's & 40's go, and the lovely menopausal crap we as women are so "fortunate" to experience. Many of us have experienced this stage of our lives, depending on when you had children, when you begin to see the empty nest...the rest of us, are either getting closer or in my case...have an adult child and a teenage child. We are at different stages of the same game of life. For me, I have an adult child. While that child still lives at home, he has his own life to manage. I also have a hormonal teenager. I am fortunate enough to have a mother-in-law, not much older than me, that is my level head/been there-done that friend to go to when life kicks me in the butt! I truly believe I would be curled up in a corner, balling my eyes out, if not for her wisdom! Anyway, those teenage hormones mixed with my mid-life hormones end up a mess. I'm sure many of us remember those teenage years; mad about everything but not sure why, no one understands, liking things one day but not the next and the same goes with people. I can kind of relate as I have reached this mid-life stage. However, sometimes with age comes with some wisdom, responsibilities and priorities...at least for some. In my stage, I'm finding it necessary to evaluate myself, my life, my outlook, and see what areas I can do/be better. Women, which I can speak from experience, seem to handle mid-life differently. I am looking at my relationship; how can I learn to reconnect with my husband after 20 plus years of being totally in mom mode. How can we find a common ground again, when I don't even know what my interests are anymore. How can we overcome the obstacles of bodily changes that have occurred due to menopause. Sadly, for me, it feels like being back in my early 20's with no sex drive. Sorry, that was blunt...but that's part and parcel for this stage. 

I know many women who slowed down their lives some, when they had family, but they never stopped doing some of what they loved completely. I am truly happy for them, but I don't fall in that category. My life as "Salli" was put on hold to be "Mom," and take care of my home. I have been blessed to have to that opportunity, but it is also coming back to kick me. I've done thing through the years, but I tend to stop the things I enjoy to allow for extra time/money for the things my family needs/wants or when money got tight. Just as an example; we have been on this farm for 11 years. This year, I bought my first pair of new insulated bibs and insulated boots, ever. In prior years, I would use a used pair that belonged to one of this kids. While the cost is high, like everything, I just never felt I should spend that money on me. My kids and husband had bibs, boots, coats, hats, etc. but I wouldn't spend the extra for myself. I have bought myself a total of 3 new pairs of jeans in the past 12 years. I usually wait for yard sales and pick things up cheap. I put my family over myself. I have loved to dance for years. I have not been dancing now in close to 8 years. Probably couldn't remember a single step now if I tried! I love to build furniture, but again, the lumber cost sky rocketed the past 2 1/2 years and that stopped too. I have spent my adult life living a strict and organized life. I had to have it to deal with my anxiety that stemmed from unresolved issues years ago. That was the way I felt like I had some control over my life. That strict and somewhat organized life changed several years back and I was pushed to just go with the flow. That is not how I function. I don't handle that well. I can't fly by the seat of my pants, and let the cards fall where they will. I need direction, I need structure, I need organization, and I do not need clutter and chaos. 

Most of you will know, Spring/Summer/Fall, are months I spend most of my time outdoors. I need nature. Whether I am hiking, walking around my yard, working in the gardens, or even just sitting around a bonfire...that time outdoors is my "stress relief." Winter...while I love it and it holds my favorite holidays, is my least favorite time of year; because I am stuck mostly indoors. I can't walk bare foot through the grass, I can't get my hands in dirt, I can't see the efforts of my labor in growing plants, I can't see new flower beds or gardens take shape. I need to be productive. You see, I clean, cook, do laundry, etc every day. Sure, you can tell when I don't but I don't see progress with that. Typically, it's just the opposite. I spend everyday cleaning, just to have my family come home and clutter surfaces and throw their crap every where again. My days are done in segments....get out of bed, get coffee, talk to the guys before they go to work. Then, I go through my research, start laundry, do whatever dishes are in the sink and eat breakfast. Then, it's school work for my teenager, while lesson planning for the next week, lunch, clean up, more laundry, more dishes, and finish school work. Then it's getting meat out for supper, sweep, fold blankets, empty trash, dive into a bigger project for a couple hours, go take care of my outdoor chores. Then the madness continues: start supper preparations, fight with teenager to clean room or at least help clean something, let the dog out for the 400th time since 7 am, clean up supper prep, more laundry, make sure all the indoor animals have food and water, and then the guys come home. It's their outdoor chores, everyone talking at once about their day and the daily gossip, while my teenager and I roll our eyes, talking about the livestock, eating supper, showers, and making sure supper gets put away, and typically by this point...I'm beat! Some days, I will go lay in bed, I have a waterbed so it's heated...it's relaxing, it's quiet and I can give my back a break. Sometimes, I will attempt to sit in my recliner but honestly...whether the noise box is going or everyone is sitting in the same room...everyone is looking at their phones. So, conversations are rare. My teenager retreats to her room, and only comes out to say good night. 

I try not to complain or nag about my life. I love my life, overall. I can't imagine living any other lifestyle. It does get pretty lonely at times though. I share videos, blogs and information on social media..honestly, even my own family doesn't pay attention to. Once in a while, I will get questioned by husband or kids about what I meant...but never is there any real support or comments. I've spent time trying to better myself and my own knowledge, because I am teaching my teenager. I refuse to only give half truths when it comes to education. I firmly believe we should continuously learn, and in turn continuously better ourselves by learning. I don't do this gossip crap. If I have something to say, I will say it, and when I speak to people...what we talk about, doesn't go anywhere else. That's just how I work. I don't want it done to me, so I'm not going to do it to someone else. As I have said, I have made plenty of mistakes in my lifetime. I have tried to learn from each and every one of them...and NOT repeat them. That's not to say, I won't...but I try not to. I give too many second chances, I care too much, and I try to have empathy for what others may be dealing with...although, that is becoming less and less. 

Now, this comes back to the whole mid-life thing. I have been struggling with what is called perimenopause...the stage of the reproductive side of female - hood, shutting down. It's the time when women transition from child bearing years, to their mature years. That's the basic text book explanation. Let me tell you, that is so much of a glossed over explanation! If you are anything like me, all you hear from those around you is "it's just you being hormonal, because of menopause, you don't mean that." Or, you are led to believe that because you are no longer willing to deal with other people's bullshit, you have gone batshit crazy from menopause. I've heard this from men, about several different women. Those women lost their minds when they went through menopause, or they are crazy, or any number of other derogatory comments. From my own perspective, some days you do feel like you're losing your mind! When things have been a certain way for a long time, and you are no longer willing to put up with it; or you no longer care for something, or start getting snappy about disrespect. This is typically women saying enough is enough, but men take it as losing their minds. I can promise you, while some days feeling crazy does happen, most days...it becomes more about not putting up with people's shit anymore. You reach a point, when you've just had enough. You've done what you needed to do, now, you are making your own way. If you are married, you have to learn to bridge that gap, as a team, to get to the other side. Otherwise, the relationship will fall to the wayside. As we know happens, by the shear number of divorces amongst married people aged 40-60...typically with marriages that span 15-40 years. This time in a woman's life is truly a catalyst to next the phase of life. She is going to have what she needs, and you either step up to join the journey or get out of the way. 

I have heard comments about the hormones, and this or that is because of this stage. Well, to a degree that is right. However, that is only the stepping stone. Many of us have suppressed a lot through the years. We were raising kids, building careers, making a life. Now, we want less stress, and more happiness. We want a partner and companion is our adventures and in life. We want to enjoy our kids and grandkids, but we want someone by our side that doesn't radiate negativity, that doesn't degrade/belittle every move we make, that is up for a little adventure...even if it only lasts till 10 pm. :D We want to know our partner is there for us to cry on their shoulder when we get overwhelmed, that we can snuggle up and just enjoy the closeness. We want to have long conversations about everything under the sun, be able to sit in comfortable silence, speak our minds/hearts, take calculated chances, and know our partner is right there with us. 

I have always had a strong will. However, I do have some weak moments...which I'm sure gives some something to talk about. Whatever. I have always, and will always pick myself up and keep going. If I have learned anything in my almost 48 years....being weak is not an option. Mentally, I am beyond hard on myself. I have pushed myself so hard, my entire life. I've lived most of it in fight or flight mode. When you finally come out of that mode, it's exhausting! You feel totally drained, and like you've been run over by a bus...that decided to back over you, and run over you again! Add that with this menopausal crap and it's a mess. HA! Anyway, for me, spending so much time striving to constantly do better, constantly be better, fighting for every damned thing you've ever had, getting crap from people for one thing or another, striving to first in somebody's life, finding something that gives you pride, being a good mom, a decent wife, or a million other areas...I found myself becoming my own worst enemy. You toxicity comes in many forms. The mental chatter can become toxic when you live in fight or flight mode, as you are constantly trying to outrun your own nightmares. Toxicity comes when you allow outside opinions to influence too much of your life. Toxicity comes when you allow yourself to play the victim card, whine, or complain WITHOUT doing everything you can to overcome whatever is weighing you down. After several years of trying to overcome and get to the bottom of years of toxicity, I have learned one big lesson....you have to unpack and address that baggage, but you can not hold on to it like a security blanket. You have to learn to work past it. That is difficult in some situations. Some issues can't be resolved, and you have to learn to accept them without closure. 

So, I had my weak day yesterday. I am dealing with what I need to, and will eventually get that put away. In the meantime, I refuse to believe every thought/emotion is hormone related. I refuse to continue to whine, and instead I'm making the effort to change what I can and move away from what I can't. I will find a way to talk through what I need to, bundle up if need be and spend some time in nature to release the toxicity of stress. I will just say this: for those that have gatherings, understand that sometimes people need a few minutes to recharge - even when things are happy. If they go outside, or disappear for a bit...they are just doing what they need to. Please do not take it as an insult. 

Today, I'm taking my own power back. I'm doing what I can, as I can.

The significance - pictures

 

Photos, the gift that gives even once you have left this earth.

I have always loved taking pictures. I don't ever get rid of pictures either. In my eyes, even if there are people in those pictures you are no longer associate with, that was a part of your life. I love looking through my old pictures. They bring back good and bad memories, but those pieces are all part of who we are today. 

A couple months ago, having pictures proved again, how important they are. I was thrown into an emotional project of gathering photos for my Mother-In-Law's funeral service. She and I would laugh about all the pictures we would take, but we were rarely in front of the camera. A few years back, we made the agreement to get her and I more in front of the camera. I can not tell you how glad I am that happened. Eventually, we were able to sort through a lot of pictures, but it really hit me. 

We take pictures of so many things, if you are like I am, I have tons of unprinted photos. I personally take on the battle of getting my family to take pictures every 2-3 years...beyond that is a chore. I take pictures of about everything else, but I am always BEHIND the camera. So, there are not as many of me either. However, the photos are never about the "professionalism" or even everyone being on their best behavior. So many times, those candid photos...the ones when your family is being goofy, pictures that show the chaos, and just random life happenings are just as amazing. 

Two months ago, I decided to make some pretty massive changes to my photo wall. I always put my own family first and fore most in everything, but I want to expand my pictures...which means moving the photos to a bigger wall. I am going to be repainting once all the Christmas decorations come down, and then one of my living room walls will be devoted to pictures - my family, my extended family, our dearest friends and loved ones. Our extended families are rather large, since both our parents are divorced, that added in bonus parents, bonus siblings, bonus nieces & nephews, and cousins that have also expanded their families. It is very important to me to have a picture journal of our loved ones. 

So, that is my request this year, what I want for Christmas. I want photos of our loved ones and their families. I want to add the pictures to my wall and be able to see your faces even if we can't be together is person. I want to be able to share memories with my kids of extended family, of years long past or even some that weren't so long ago. When I have the honor of becoming a grandparent, I want my grandkids to grow up knowing how important family and photos are. 

November 20 - On my mind

 

 

November 20, 2022. Sunday morning before Thanksgiving. Let the fun begin. 

 

I always have a laundry list of things to get done. I keep several calendars and planners to keep up this life. Some days I am able to cross off everything, some days only a single thing. I get frustrated when I don't get everything done, but I'm also learning that things happen or come up, that you have to take on - in the moment. It's not easy on me, as I push myself hard to always be and do my best. Once in a while I have those moments, when I get to actually talk through thoughts or get an inspired feeling from above...and that allows me to see so many things, so much clearer. 

 

A dinner date with extended family Friday evening, get me a little time to talk through thoughts with my most trusted level headed  "Friend and family member." There were several moments that were "ah ha" moments. Yesterday, included a trip to get last minute groceries. It also included talking myself out of an anxiety attack, without making a scene. So, while there are days that I get down, frustrated, angry, extremely hard on myself, or even condescending...I have learned a lot that has allowed me to not be stuck in dark place or remain there. 

The turkey is in the fridge to thaw for Thursday. I was able to get the remaining items, although substantially higher in price. I was able to make it through the store, that was literally elbow to asshole, through the entire thing. I didn't call anyone out for their rude behaviors, being run into with a cart, or having isles blocked while people stood in the way. As I said earlier, I was able to talk down my anxiety in that chaos without having a melt down. While none of this may seem significant to others, this is huge for me. I do not handle chaotic situations well, most of the time. Anyway, with the increase in food prices being so noticeable, a lot of things will be made from scratch this week. My girl and I will get homemade noodles made, home made dinner rolls, homemade pumpkin pies, homemade pecan pie, sweet potatoes will be made from the potatoes I grew, and deviled eggs that my chickens lay. Our meal will be mostly a traditional style, although not my favorite fried turkey, we will still have turkey. Fortunately, my boys had bought a massive turkey last year, that was too big for the fryer, so we put it in the freezer. Thankfully, we did! I will make regular dressing, and oyster dressing, mashed potatoes, noodles, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, deviled eggs, dinner rolls, pumpkin pie, and pecan pie. We will have some early appetizers of stuffed mushrooms and bacon wrapped water chestnuts. While I will not have a house full this year, there will be those that we are closest to, mostly. 

Once Thanksgiving day is done, and we recover from eating too much...then the shift begins to baking and planning final details for our Christmas Open House. My girl and I will be spending a lot of time in the kitchen over the coming days and weeks. As with garden season, baking season takes on a life of its own. I love it, and hope to pass on the joy to my own kids. Cookies, breads, cakes, and candies will litter every available surface. You see, I push so hard to get decorating and cleaning done because once I start baking, there is little time for anything else. I love to try new recipes, I have beloved favorites, and some that have been passed down through the generations. I have learned that the easiest of recipes...I usually mess up, royally! I'm able to work with yeast but can't make a no bake cookie to save my butt! So, I leave that to my husband, who whips them out spectacularly every time. I have struggled to learn how to teach young people bake...not so much how to follow a recipe, but having people in the kitchen while I bake. I have done so much, alone, that it's different to have eyes watching every move! 

This year, things seem to be such a struggle. Between the increasing costs, the limited availability, and the strong emotional side of things...it's been a true challenge for me. I am trying to work through this because it is my favorite time of the year. I may have a few struggles, but I am determined to make the best of this season, keep many of our traditions going and honor our loved ones that are no longer on the Earth with us. 

This is a different kind of blog, but it weighed on my thoughts this morning, and this was my outlet. Have a blessed Sunday!

Coffee, snow flurries, blustery, holidays and always more!

 

               Coffee, snow flurries, blustery, holidays, and always more!

I have attempted to write so many blogs over the past several weeks, and I just can't seem to put words to my thoughts...at least in a way that makes sense or would not royally tick people off. I'd like to say all these thoughts are just annoying tidbits that really don't matter, but I can't. They matter to me, and that means I have to put them into a form that makes sense. No one has the right to tell us how we should feel, or even if our thoughts are irrational or unfounded. As I always say, I speak my opinion, my truth, if you will. I say things based on what I see, hear, read and research. I will argue till I'm blue in the face if I know I am right. 

You see, I talk about energy a lot. It's because that is how I experience a lot. I feel energies long before I hear the words. It's weird, I know...I hear it all the time. It's weird to me that others don't experience this too. Anyway, for as long as I can remember, I have experienced this. When energy and words don't align, is when I get the most anxiety. When I can feel/sense that what is being said, does not match the energies...it makes me question the situation. It's difficult to explain. The energies of the world have become so negative, chaotic, and mean. For someone who "feels" these energies, it truly knocks the wind out of my sails. It does not matter if I know someone personally, or pass them in the store, get a call/text, or read a post...I feel the energy. It's truly a blessing AND a curse. So, with the world as it is, that has played into a lot of energy in my own field that overwhelms me, when I can't get a break or downtime, to unplug. That is very difficult in my current life. 

As I have talked about before, living a life in rural America, means planning 6 months out of the year, for the remaining 6 months. Typically, May thru November is our plan/prep time. It's when we start taking stock of what we used the previous 6 months, what we need to replace, what we need to restock, what we need to adjust, projects that need done to simplify drainage or simply to make our farm more productive, it's repairing equipment/tractors/buildings, it's gardening to help reduce the grocery needs for winter. It's counting left over hay/straw/small bales of hay to see what the usage was. There's a world of preparation that begins in May on a homestead. We tend to run like crazy from May until about November getting the winter preps done for the coming winter months. We never know what winter will bring from year to year, and honestly, that goes for Spring, Summer and Fall too. This year alone, we started the year very wet. Lots of rain/snow, cooler temps. Then once it turned dry...it stayed that course most of the Summer and early Fall. That meant substantially weak hay crops, higher grain costs, higher cost for having to purchase hay, and not enough grass to keep livestock on late Fall and Early Winter. Being a small family farm, we do not have the options of extra help like many of the larger farms have. We are stuck with the good, bad and ugly of whatever comes about. What many that don't live this life fail to grasp, is the amount of time/energy and money that goes into this life. It's not a thing you can just pick up or drop when you get tired, when you want to do something or go somewhere. This can be as or at times, more demanding that children, and it can be a 24/7 job. 

For me, our little farm is all of a full time job. It's daily record keeping, it's seasonal husbandry/lambing schedules, it's knowing the feed/rations/grains/needs of every animal, it's keeping a fluid budget(as much as possible)for surprises, it's managing all the extras required to keep the farm operating...all while teaching our child, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, planning gatherings, attempting(and usually failing)to keep up with extended family & friends, vehicle maintenance, household repairs, inside pets, everyone's specific needs(whether diets due to allergies or soaps, etc.), it's making menus, grocery shopping, juggling a budget, gardening or garden planning, food preservation, it's lesson plans and cooking classes, and trying to keep my family values intact in a world of greed and ignorance. It's juggling schedules for last minute changes, and never having less than 10 projects running at one time. It also requires me to continually learn. Whether that be nutrients that each different animal on the farm needs, what I can do better in my gardens, how to make my hens produce more eggs, how to care for ducks, how to cook to allow for more bang for the buck.  You see, when I first began living in the "country" here...I truly didn't know crap. What little I did know, was basic survival. In the 24 years that I have lived this way, I have learned to cook, bake, garden, preserve foods, care for livestock, care for poultry, care for kids, and keep a home. Mind you, keeping a spotless house has NEVER been a priority to me. It has spent many years covered in toys. Even though throughout the years, the toy messes became and less and less....(I miss having those toys now!)I much rather spend my time outdoors than fussing indoors! I've learned to survive on less than enough, and make the best I could of it. 

One thing I will say for myself is that it's a damned good thing I am low maintenance! This type of lifestyle is not for the weak or faint of heart. It can be very rewarding, but it can and is a lot of the time a humbling lifestyle. It can break you down, it will make you question your life choices, it will try even the best of relationships, and it can be one of the least recognition. If you were someone that needed a pat on the back, needed to be acknowledged, needed the constant romance, or needed someone with you all time - this lifestyle would not work. There are heated disagreements, brutal arguments, cutting words, and days you can do no right. Thankfully, I am not a person that really needs anyone else. I don't find it necessary to have my hair, nails or whatever done on a regular basis. I don't need anything. Although there are times a pat on the back or word of encouragement would be nice, it's not required, at least for me. There are a lot of things I am still learning, and pray that continues every day of my life. However, there are a lot of things, I have personally benefited from by living this life. Being able to stay strong, independent, cook/bake about anything, and keep learning...this to me is priceless. 

We have reached that late Fall/early Winter stage. We've had snow/flurries 4 out of the past 5 days, it's gotten cold and quite blustery. That's Winter in the Midwest. I will complain like most everyone else, but I know to expect it. The first measurable snowfall is always exciting for me. Snow around the holidays is always my wish. After that, I'd be good with 75 and sun! I know that's not realistic, so I just add more layers and tromp outdoors as I need to, and keep going. I have seen so many models of "Winter 2022/2023 predictions," I think the weather folks are just as clueless as the rest of us. We can't control it anyway, so we will just deal with what we need to and move on. After all the wind/tornado this year, I have realized that my chicken coop/goat house/duck houses all have to be modified next Spring. I'm hopeful they all last through the Winter! We need to get some tree lines established to help shield some of wind on this knob. The winds that come from the North and West, and even to some degree from the East, have effects on buildings that could get costly if we don't work on this. We are in for a bitter weekend of cold and wind. The conversation is saying negative temp windchills. My boys are already having to go out every morning to break ice in water pans, and do it again every evening. This is the type of thing we try our best to plan for 6 months previously. 

As the temps plummet, I always know that means the holidays are near. My favorite time of the year is Thanksgiving through to New Year's Day. It's always been a time, for us, as lots of family time. We have our traditions, and we look forward to them every year. Obviously, things have changed some now that my kids are older. I'm just thrilled they still get excited over the little traditions we started when they were little. Our annual open house is one of my favorites. Although I truly love November & December for all the holidays together. It's sometimes a challenge to keep this love of the holidays when surrounded by grinches and negativity. Through the years, it has weighed on me more and more. The economic hardships so many face hinder their joy through the holidays. Too many have made presents a priority over presences. The true gifts are spending time with loved ones and friends. Too many have forgotten this. It became about who gave the biggest, the best or the most gifts and that just ruins Christmas. Anyway, our first gathering of the season is less than a week away. It looks to be a smaller than normal get together, but we will definitely be thankful for all who attend! Just a couple weeks later will be our annual open house. We squeezed over 50 people in our house last year! It was so much fun, watching all the little people running around, the adults visiting...outside of my family, it was my greatest gift! 2 weeks after that is our Christmas Eve and Christmas Day traditions. I have been known to be the one going through the house waking everyone up on Christmas morning! Then a week later is New Year's Eve traditions of board games, snack foods, watching the ball drop, and then bed. 

A few things I have been learning as of late, is that no matter how much I try to help others, ultimately it is their decision whether to do the right thing or not. You know the whole, you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink... yeah, this is difficult for me. While I find it easier to withdraw from people that either belittle me or make me feel irrelevant in their lives; it does not stop me from trying. At least not completely. I do pull back, I do tend to withdraw and shut people out. It's my personal defense mechanisms. It helps me to avoid too much continuous hurt. Learning to deal with senses that not everyone experiences has made changes in my life, it has shown me people's true colors, and it has become my personal built in bullshit detector. Being basically at the end of this pre-menopausal stuff, has pushed me to understand so many things. I now understand how woman get to a certain age, and decide they are no longer tolerating crap they have tolerated for years. I now understand that no women that reach this stage are not crazy, they have just reached their maximum bullshit level. They now demand respect, they no longer put up with half truths, half commitments, or half of anything they fully deserve. This stage makes you feel crazy, but only because you are changing your boundaries, and an awful lot of people are no longer meeting those standards. During the child rearing years, women tend to forget their worth and their value, as they focus on their children and spouse. Once the children are grown/same as grown, the shift back to being not just a Mom/wife but also a woman comes back into play. It's truly a major dynamic shift. 

I am sure more blogs will be along before year's end. For today, I'm going to wrap up with this: keep stocking your pantry, help out a local food pantry and the "angel tree," in your community. Refocus your holidays around loved ones and friends instead of gifts. Help others when you can! This world needs a lot of kindness!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Grab some coffee...

 

Grab some coffee, let's talk.

Well, I've been trying to get a blog in for well over a week, and I can't seem to get all my thoughts lined out. Too many, all at once, and it kinda feels like a squirrel in traffic!!  So, let's see if I can get this one typed and published before my brain takes off again.

To say that I'm irritated by a multitude of issues would be, I think the biggest understatement of the year. I'm going to attempt to break this down, and maybe that will help me wrangle these damned squirrels! I truly think they are calmer than my thoughts have been this year!

Anyway, obviously, the political circus has really come to a head. I don't care what party you associate with, they are corrupt. They have completely disenfranchised the American people in lieu of foreign countries and foreign citizens. They have all neglected their oaths, and are working overtime to remove our rights. Not to mention the scandals that have come to light - from Epstein to newly declassified watergate files, from Russian collusion, to J6, to the laptop from hell, from JFK to nearly every 3 letter agency and all 3 branches of government. It's sad how many people are still stuck in the Matrix. It's past time to take the red pill, and take off the blinders. I'm not dwelling on this, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

We are currently 13 days from Thanksgiving, getting turkey and necessities for the traditional Thanksgiving meal has been horrendous! IF you can find them, they are pricey. Even though Wal-Mart and Aldi have claimed to roll back prices. Finding many of the staple sides is difficult, or again, pricey. Thursday, I went into one of our local grocery stores, not my usual store, but thought I'd try to get a few things I hadn't been able to find. A head of lettuce was $4.59. They all looked pretty bad...browning/slimy leaves and even though they were bigger, they were not solid heads. The bags of garden salad were 2.59 each, and just plain shredded lettuce (8 oz pkg) were 1.45. A 14 pound turkey, a brand I had never heard of, was over $30. I shared on a video on my Facebook page, a few days ago, about my usual grocery store only having 2 turkeys, a sign saying they couldn't get lettuce and several fresh produce items. This is disturbing to me. We typically have a vegetable try with Thanksgiving, and have had a lettuce salad too. I personally eat lettuce year round, so not being able to get it, at a reasonable cost, is upsetting. I'm not saying they won't ever get it, they just did not have what I wanted at the time. It made me wonder if that wasn't going to be an ongoing theme. These stores have a decent amount of items, right now. However, the things we want/need, are touch & go. So, for me, foregoing fresh produce is not life threatening, but it does upset my personal body care. Fresh fruits and vegetables help me to maintain my immune system and counter act allergic and sensitivity issues. Eating processed foods decreases our immune system and allows illnesses to take hold. Like so many others, we may have to make some changes to our traditional Thanksgiving meal, but we will still have a meal with our loved ones, none-the-less.

The next holiday being Christmas, good grief Charlie Brown! A brief look at the prices over the weekend and boy was I glad to not have little ones to buy for! While we have always limited our Christmas giving, because for us, it's never about the gifts. Christmas in our home has always been about family and the biggest gift is being together. However, we do have gifts and now that our kids are older, their wants have also gotten bigger. We still do minimal on expense for Christmas. We try to stick to one or two Santa gifts of wants and a need, and from us...we do the same. We have had nearly 20 years of a Christmas present to open on Christmas Eve...which usually consists of new PJ's, popcorn, hot chocolate, and a little candy. Christmas is a big deal around our house, but not because of gifts. Each year, our family looks forward to this time of year because of our gatherings. We usually have Thanksgiving, then our Christmas Open House, our traditional Christmas Eve and Day, and then our New Year's Eve of snack foods, board games, music, watching the ball drop before we go to bed. 

I want to talk about our open house for a bit. This is something I remember hearing about years ago, from one of my grandparents. They used to invite friends and family to one house or another, for a "party." They gathered to share snacks, fellowship and the season. So, when we moved to our farm, I wanted to continue an old fashioned tradition, that seemed to have been forgotten. It has turned into such an amazing event every year! Each year this grows, and we have so many neighbors, friends and family that attend...it truly makes my entire holiday season!! I spend the week prior, baking, making homemade fudge/candies/cookies/breads, we have a couple types of soup, crackers and dips, and people can come in and our or just stop in to eat and then head out. Our house is super full, but it truly is such a positive energy! I'm anxious for this year's gathering. It's a true reminder of the spirit of Christmas.

Now, I'm going to dive into another topic that gets a little sticky! Relationships. Yeah, I'm going to jump into this one, and see where it goes. It's been interesting watching my boys find their way in relationships. I'm not exactly the most positive on a lot of this subject. I think as relationships progress, people get lazy. Many of us, put our best foot forward in the beginning. We make efforts, we pay attention to details of the other, and we have a common point of interest that keeps a bond. As time goes on, we begin to take advantage of that person. Whether that is intentional or not, it happens. If you have done the work early on, you can grow together. Many don't though. So, as time progresses, you grow apart. You lose a common thread, and that bond slips away. As I said, both my boys have found incredible young ladies. I truly love them both. I just pray that they learn from those of us older, and don't get complacent or lazy. I hope they continue to date these beautiful women, I hope they actually listen to them and hear them, I hope they continue to give 100% everyday, every year. 50/50 is only in divorce...

Finally, today, I want to remind everyone to keep stocking up. I know, everyone gets tired of hearing it...and I get tired of saying it. The thing is, as you find things on sale, as the deals that have come up lately are implemented, now is a good time. Get those extra canned goods, get those extra items that you can store in your pantry/extra bedroom/basement. Prices are not going to get any cheaper for awhile. Stocking up over the past year, could have saved you a ton. So, now we are paying a little more, but the sales being offered will give a little break. You can still get $1 cans of Campbell's soups at Dollar General stores. They have several items that are less than $2 a can/box. If you are storing boxed items, have some hard plastic totes to avoid mouse issues! Also, get rid of excess cardboard/newspapers/magazines. These things draw mice, especially in Winter. Make sure you have a handheld can opener, bottle opener. Canned goods aren't useful if you can't open them. Have at least one cast iron pan that you can use on a grill or open fire, if the power were to go out, you could still cook! Don't forget:  toilet paper, paper towels, disposable plates/flatware/cups, soaps(body, laundry,dish), pet supplies, medications, coffee(for coffee drinkers), spices, noodles/pasta, powder milk, etc. The thing to remember is, you could be having to make things from scratch if they aren't available at the stores. So, a few items to keep in mind:  flour, honey, sugar, yeast, oil, butter, salt, baking soda, baking powder, brown sugar. With these staples, you can make so many things from scratch! 

So, I'm going to wrap up today. Still lots on my mind, but will have to tackle that later! Have a great weekend!

Reality and Realization

 

The biggest disappointments become reality through expectation.

I have spent a lot of years writing in journals, blogging, and more recently turned to videos. I rarely have "expectations" of anyone actually reading/watching anything I have to say. Honestly, most people have the attention span of a squirrel, most times - myself included. I never expect anyone to agree with my thoughts 100%, realistically, that is rare. Sadly, there have been plenty that I only hear from when they want to disagree or argue. I have no desire to argue, I do my best to respect others...I just want the same in return. 

This morning, I have been gut punched with several realities and realizations. Honestly, some weren't that big of a surprise but some were. So, I thought I'd share a few thoughts. In just the past few months, I have outwardly questioned how I was a "problem child." The things I look at, as a parent, are things I look back and know were not bad. However, looking back...I questioned authority, even as a child. I bucked the "because I said so" theory, a lot. I'm not going to dwell on the past though. Being a person that has always questioned everything, was a realization just this morning. My need to research continually, my need to learn continually, and my desire to educate; I believe have all culminated from the type of person I am. It does not make me right, it is just who I am. I need to know the "why's," of everything. I need to visually SEE the purposes. This comes into play in my life, on every subject. Show me why things are the way the are. I guess Missouri was a great state for me. SHOW ME!!! You can tell me things are the way they are, this is how it's always been done or we can't change something; and my response is typically going to be WHY?! Yes, this has caused me troubles. I believe this has a lot to do with my childhood. I saw from an early age that nothing is ever what it appears to be. I learned early on that the only person you could depend on 100%, was yourself. I also believe, this is why I have always been so hard on myself. I know for a fact, there is no one out there that can be harder on me, than me! I can promise that. 

Anyway, I have spent 4 years researching and learning so many things that most people don't even want to acknowledge. I have attempted to share all this learning with my family. I figured if I did the research, they should also benefit from knowing the information. It's difficult to share this information, share my videos, and explain this massive fraud going on; when even my own family doesn't want to hear it or doesn't pay attention. If I was a weaker person, it might end my own learning. Thankfully, I'm not! Thankfully, I had a couple of people that showed me that I could have this independence and confidence without needing validation from others. The hardest part of this education I have given myself, is the "aloneness," that comes with it. Most people don't want to hear anything that goes against their own beliefs, their perspective or their ability to comprehend. It ends up making you feel alone on an island. You find yourself unable to carry on surface conversations that have no depth. Talking about the weather, gossip or other people; do not hold any value. 

My reality has changed. My outlook has changed. With all these changes, has brought new perspective and insight.While my own growth, has come changes I have zero control over. I have talked about this phase of my life, to some degree. I honestly spend more time biting my tongue than I ever have, until I can no longer hold back...then it's ALL going to come out, without a filter. I have reached a point, I'm actually going to say it's more like a cross road. It's juggling family, farm, relationship, extended family, issues I feel are important, things that are important to me, and putting a halt to people using me as a doormat or battering ram. I try to lead by example, even though I make plenty of mistakes. When I see or feel people pulling away from me, I'm not chasing them to keep them in my life. You want to go, go! You want to be mad, ok. I deal with enough negative energy on a daily basis, I am happy to let go of any that wants to leave. I am a strong person but I am tired. I've spent too much of my life in fight or flight mode, to keep that up. I just want peace now. While I spend my time working hard to become a better person, I have to let go of things that hold me back. I can't hang on to anchors that hold me back.

I am truly in contemplation mode today. It's amazing how eye opening and heart breaking conversations can be, but make sense in the same breath. So, I'm taking a deep breath, keeping busy and moving forward. It is what it is.