Speaking MY truths.

                    Speaking MY truths, as I see and understand them.

                     Even strong people have weak days!

Some of you may have read my social media yesterday. I have had some pretty crappy days this year. However, I am a fighter, and I will overcome them. I always do. 

The person I have become, has allowed too many things to culminate before speaking up. I have allowed poor behaviors(my own and others) to dictate the very directions I go. This is so NOT the person I know myself to be. I have gone with the flow, let stuff roll off my back, and have not spoken up for what I know to be right, for too long. I've allowed bad behaviors, disrespect, and taken on the responsibilities for other's behaviors instead of making them face their own music. I let go of the tight ship I ran, the organization I needed, and let go of most of the things I needed to be able to decompress. I need to change this! 

I need to dive into an area, although I am still learning, that seems to be a common thing for many people my age. Holy crap! We hit mid-life. How can we be closer to 50 than 40, where did our 30's & 40's go, and the lovely menopausal crap we as women are so "fortunate" to experience. Many of us have experienced this stage of our lives, depending on when you had children, when you begin to see the empty nest...the rest of us, are either getting closer or in my case...have an adult child and a teenage child. We are at different stages of the same game of life. For me, I have an adult child. While that child still lives at home, he has his own life to manage. I also have a hormonal teenager. I am fortunate enough to have a mother-in-law, not much older than me, that is my level head/been there-done that friend to go to when life kicks me in the butt! I truly believe I would be curled up in a corner, balling my eyes out, if not for her wisdom! Anyway, those teenage hormones mixed with my mid-life hormones end up a mess. I'm sure many of us remember those teenage years; mad about everything but not sure why, no one understands, liking things one day but not the next and the same goes with people. I can kind of relate as I have reached this mid-life stage. However, sometimes with age comes with some wisdom, responsibilities and priorities...at least for some. In my stage, I'm finding it necessary to evaluate myself, my life, my outlook, and see what areas I can do/be better. Women, which I can speak from experience, seem to handle mid-life differently. I am looking at my relationship; how can I learn to reconnect with my husband after 20 plus years of being totally in mom mode. How can we find a common ground again, when I don't even know what my interests are anymore. How can we overcome the obstacles of bodily changes that have occurred due to menopause. Sadly, for me, it feels like being back in my early 20's with no sex drive. Sorry, that was blunt...but that's part and parcel for this stage. 

I know many women who slowed down their lives some, when they had family, but they never stopped doing some of what they loved completely. I am truly happy for them, but I don't fall in that category. My life as "Salli" was put on hold to be "Mom," and take care of my home. I have been blessed to have to that opportunity, but it is also coming back to kick me. I've done thing through the years, but I tend to stop the things I enjoy to allow for extra time/money for the things my family needs/wants or when money got tight. Just as an example; we have been on this farm for 11 years. This year, I bought my first pair of new insulated bibs and insulated boots, ever. In prior years, I would use a used pair that belonged to one of this kids. While the cost is high, like everything, I just never felt I should spend that money on me. My kids and husband had bibs, boots, coats, hats, etc. but I wouldn't spend the extra for myself. I have bought myself a total of 3 new pairs of jeans in the past 12 years. I usually wait for yard sales and pick things up cheap. I put my family over myself. I have loved to dance for years. I have not been dancing now in close to 8 years. Probably couldn't remember a single step now if I tried! I love to build furniture, but again, the lumber cost sky rocketed the past 2 1/2 years and that stopped too. I have spent my adult life living a strict and organized life. I had to have it to deal with my anxiety that stemmed from unresolved issues years ago. That was the way I felt like I had some control over my life. That strict and somewhat organized life changed several years back and I was pushed to just go with the flow. That is not how I function. I don't handle that well. I can't fly by the seat of my pants, and let the cards fall where they will. I need direction, I need structure, I need organization, and I do not need clutter and chaos. 

Most of you will know, Spring/Summer/Fall, are months I spend most of my time outdoors. I need nature. Whether I am hiking, walking around my yard, working in the gardens, or even just sitting around a bonfire...that time outdoors is my "stress relief." Winter...while I love it and it holds my favorite holidays, is my least favorite time of year; because I am stuck mostly indoors. I can't walk bare foot through the grass, I can't get my hands in dirt, I can't see the efforts of my labor in growing plants, I can't see new flower beds or gardens take shape. I need to be productive. You see, I clean, cook, do laundry, etc every day. Sure, you can tell when I don't but I don't see progress with that. Typically, it's just the opposite. I spend everyday cleaning, just to have my family come home and clutter surfaces and throw their crap every where again. My days are done in segments....get out of bed, get coffee, talk to the guys before they go to work. Then, I go through my research, start laundry, do whatever dishes are in the sink and eat breakfast. Then, it's school work for my teenager, while lesson planning for the next week, lunch, clean up, more laundry, more dishes, and finish school work. Then it's getting meat out for supper, sweep, fold blankets, empty trash, dive into a bigger project for a couple hours, go take care of my outdoor chores. Then the madness continues: start supper preparations, fight with teenager to clean room or at least help clean something, let the dog out for the 400th time since 7 am, clean up supper prep, more laundry, make sure all the indoor animals have food and water, and then the guys come home. It's their outdoor chores, everyone talking at once about their day and the daily gossip, while my teenager and I roll our eyes, talking about the livestock, eating supper, showers, and making sure supper gets put away, and typically by this point...I'm beat! Some days, I will go lay in bed, I have a waterbed so it's heated...it's relaxing, it's quiet and I can give my back a break. Sometimes, I will attempt to sit in my recliner but honestly...whether the noise box is going or everyone is sitting in the same room...everyone is looking at their phones. So, conversations are rare. My teenager retreats to her room, and only comes out to say good night. 

I try not to complain or nag about my life. I love my life, overall. I can't imagine living any other lifestyle. It does get pretty lonely at times though. I share videos, blogs and information on social media..honestly, even my own family doesn't pay attention to. Once in a while, I will get questioned by husband or kids about what I meant...but never is there any real support or comments. I've spent time trying to better myself and my own knowledge, because I am teaching my teenager. I refuse to only give half truths when it comes to education. I firmly believe we should continuously learn, and in turn continuously better ourselves by learning. I don't do this gossip crap. If I have something to say, I will say it, and when I speak to people...what we talk about, doesn't go anywhere else. That's just how I work. I don't want it done to me, so I'm not going to do it to someone else. As I have said, I have made plenty of mistakes in my lifetime. I have tried to learn from each and every one of them...and NOT repeat them. That's not to say, I won't...but I try not to. I give too many second chances, I care too much, and I try to have empathy for what others may be dealing with...although, that is becoming less and less. 

Now, this comes back to the whole mid-life thing. I have been struggling with what is called perimenopause...the stage of the reproductive side of female - hood, shutting down. It's the time when women transition from child bearing years, to their mature years. That's the basic text book explanation. Let me tell you, that is so much of a glossed over explanation! If you are anything like me, all you hear from those around you is "it's just you being hormonal, because of menopause, you don't mean that." Or, you are led to believe that because you are no longer willing to deal with other people's bullshit, you have gone batshit crazy from menopause. I've heard this from men, about several different women. Those women lost their minds when they went through menopause, or they are crazy, or any number of other derogatory comments. From my own perspective, some days you do feel like you're losing your mind! When things have been a certain way for a long time, and you are no longer willing to put up with it; or you no longer care for something, or start getting snappy about disrespect. This is typically women saying enough is enough, but men take it as losing their minds. I can promise you, while some days feeling crazy does happen, most days...it becomes more about not putting up with people's shit anymore. You reach a point, when you've just had enough. You've done what you needed to do, now, you are making your own way. If you are married, you have to learn to bridge that gap, as a team, to get to the other side. Otherwise, the relationship will fall to the wayside. As we know happens, by the shear number of divorces amongst married people aged 40-60...typically with marriages that span 15-40 years. This time in a woman's life is truly a catalyst to next the phase of life. She is going to have what she needs, and you either step up to join the journey or get out of the way. 

I have heard comments about the hormones, and this or that is because of this stage. Well, to a degree that is right. However, that is only the stepping stone. Many of us have suppressed a lot through the years. We were raising kids, building careers, making a life. Now, we want less stress, and more happiness. We want a partner and companion is our adventures and in life. We want to enjoy our kids and grandkids, but we want someone by our side that doesn't radiate negativity, that doesn't degrade/belittle every move we make, that is up for a little adventure...even if it only lasts till 10 pm. :D We want to know our partner is there for us to cry on their shoulder when we get overwhelmed, that we can snuggle up and just enjoy the closeness. We want to have long conversations about everything under the sun, be able to sit in comfortable silence, speak our minds/hearts, take calculated chances, and know our partner is right there with us. 

I have always had a strong will. However, I do have some weak moments...which I'm sure gives some something to talk about. Whatever. I have always, and will always pick myself up and keep going. If I have learned anything in my almost 48 years....being weak is not an option. Mentally, I am beyond hard on myself. I have pushed myself so hard, my entire life. I've lived most of it in fight or flight mode. When you finally come out of that mode, it's exhausting! You feel totally drained, and like you've been run over by a bus...that decided to back over you, and run over you again! Add that with this menopausal crap and it's a mess. HA! Anyway, for me, spending so much time striving to constantly do better, constantly be better, fighting for every damned thing you've ever had, getting crap from people for one thing or another, striving to first in somebody's life, finding something that gives you pride, being a good mom, a decent wife, or a million other areas...I found myself becoming my own worst enemy. You toxicity comes in many forms. The mental chatter can become toxic when you live in fight or flight mode, as you are constantly trying to outrun your own nightmares. Toxicity comes when you allow outside opinions to influence too much of your life. Toxicity comes when you allow yourself to play the victim card, whine, or complain WITHOUT doing everything you can to overcome whatever is weighing you down. After several years of trying to overcome and get to the bottom of years of toxicity, I have learned one big lesson....you have to unpack and address that baggage, but you can not hold on to it like a security blanket. You have to learn to work past it. That is difficult in some situations. Some issues can't be resolved, and you have to learn to accept them without closure. 

So, I had my weak day yesterday. I am dealing with what I need to, and will eventually get that put away. In the meantime, I refuse to believe every thought/emotion is hormone related. I refuse to continue to whine, and instead I'm making the effort to change what I can and move away from what I can't. I will find a way to talk through what I need to, bundle up if need be and spend some time in nature to release the toxicity of stress. I will just say this: for those that have gatherings, understand that sometimes people need a few minutes to recharge - even when things are happy. If they go outside, or disappear for a bit...they are just doing what they need to. Please do not take it as an insult. 

Today, I'm taking my own power back. I'm doing what I can, as I can.