Coffee Chat and more

 

Coffee Chat and more

Staring with the obvious, the count down. 9 days until the Winter Solstice begins which means the days start getting longer! 13 days until Christmas. 16 days until my 48th birthday. 19 days until the start of a new year. Do y'all realize there is less that 20 days left of this year?! That's crazy!

We just had our annual Christmas open house. I truly look forward to it every year. It's a lot of work but the fellowship it brings, is not measurable! We had a smaller group this year, 34 people(there was 53 last year). It's incredible how most of those attending, have been here from the start. I can't tell you how many times I heard, "thank you for doing this. We look forward to this every year." It's so amazing to me that even the younger generations are interested in this type of "old fashioned" gathering. So many believe that Christmas is about expensive gifts and mass amounts of them. I honestly, get the best gifts from this open house, giving love and friendship to those I care most about. Our open house is not glamorous, it's not fancy, and kids are always welcome but, it is a beautiful tradition that I hope lives on long after I have gone! 

It's astounding to look at the calendar and realize how close the year's end is. It's been a truly turbulent year for me personally. The chaotic energy and economic struggles have been a challenge to juggle. When it rains, it pours...has been my thought process all year. There have most definitely been wonderful and beautiful times, but there has also been some truly staggering struggles too. The emotional roller coaster this year has exhausted me. I've had to step way out of my comfort zone a lot this year. I've had to make decisions that I was not prepared to make. I've also had to bite my tongue a LOT more than I care for, this year. Many that read this, know how difficult that was for me. 

Coming up on my birthday, has really had my thoughts going even more chaotic than normal. It has pushed me to revisit some past experiences and memories that have been very unsettling and uncomfortable. I can't really blame this on my birthday, but maybe more likely is the time I am in within my life. It's so strange to have memories resurface, or what you believe to be memories. I've had to actually ask family about them, to see if they were or not. Well, those memories opened flood gates to a massive amount of other thoughts. I am told this is like a discovery/repair phase. I have learned a lot, and a lot of the way I am as a person, is making more sense...the more I discover. Although, there are a lot of areas that I may never discuss, my life to this point, has brought some unhealthy coping mechanisms. On the flip side of that, however, is the positive things: strength, independence, and compassion. 

Many times we focus on the "bad." I'm guilty too. We can't see that many of the things we deem as bad or negative, actually drive us to be better people. Whether that is shoving us to become more independent, more self sufficient, more determined, or more understanding. We neglect to look at ourselves, to do better for ourselves. Instead, we stay in a negative vibration and focus on bad or sad situations, instead of celebrating good. A good example: I just recently told my own kids; I do so much for the Christmas season as a celebration for those we no longer have with us, physically. I take great steps to add to our decorations annually, to remember all the wonderful people that passed. Because Winter is typically a dingy time of year, it is very easy to get wrapped up in negativity. Once the beautiful leaves start falling off the trees, the grass turns brown, the gardens are put to sleep till Spring, the weather turns cold, the daylight hours shrink, and many times we deal with mud...it's easy to fall into a dreary attitude. I personally need the beauty of Christmas. I don't want or need anything, so gifts are not even on my radar. I enjoy family and friends getting together for a meal, a holiday celebration, or just because. I know there are times that too much togetherness, is still too much. However, having these gatherings spread from Thanksgiving till New Year's is mostly a great thing. Christmas has become so materialized, it's sad. I've seen some of the gifts asked for/given, and it breaks my heart. Kids and adults alike, have lost a sense of compassion - for lack of a better word. Kids ask for high dollar items, things they want in the moment but will use once or twice and never again. Adults give these items, or struggle financially to give endless amounts of useless gifts, clear through the next year. That is why Christmas has become so depressing for so many. 

For our kids, we never have gone overboard. I don't see a need in that. They may get 2-3 gifts from Santa that are unnecessary, but the majority of what they get is educational or actual needs. And you know the crazy part? They get excited to get socks, flannels, gloves, scarves, coats! They are beyond happy with those useful gifts. Even my grown up kids STILL look forward to open their gift on Christmas Eve, knowing that it's just new PJ's!! They look forward to that, and ask every year if we are continuing the tradition. Even my moody teenager has asked if we get to do this tradition again this year. Honestly, it's the little things that our kids will remember. For us, we get new family ornaments every year. Each person has a new one, that goes on the tree. My grown up kids, have started putting their new ornaments on their own trees. These things are what makes this momma, very happy. 

Our family has continued to expand with our bonus daughters. Our boys have brought their girlfriends/fiances into our family fold. It's kinda crazy how children that you do not bring into this world, can hold a piece of your heart too. I'm pretty certain everyone knows my children, are my entire world! 3 of these children, are not biologically mine. However, they are my chosen kids. One of boys has been an adopted son for about 12 years. One bonus daughter, came into our world as an exchange student, and is now planning to marry into our unique family. The other bonus daughter, has become the other half to my bonus son. So, our family of 4, has quickly become a family of 7. I love these kids so much! Each one is unique, and each one will have their place in our family. When I look at photos, my heart just grows in happiness. 

This year, as I have said, has been a challenge for me. I have experienced many emotions that I thought I had buried. I once took pride in being able to turn off all emotions, and lived up to an old knickname of ice princess. I can still turn off some, but for the most part...I don't want to. Instead, I'm trying to understand them. I'm trying to piece together how to deal with them. That's not to say I will be accepting bad behaviors, because I can't imagine ever doing that. This year has been about understanding how poorly someone must think of themselves, to treat someone else so poorly. It's trying to understand how ignorance has become acceptable, while compassion and empathy is looked down on. I was reminded this year, how precious life truly is. How we can make plans, decisions - both good and bad, and in the blink of an eye...life is taken from us. Even if things are done without death, some decisions and vocalizations can never be forgotten. 

I have spent many years learning to measure my words. I know some would question that, but I promise if I actually spoke everything that came to mind, it would be ugly. Anyway, I do measure my words, most times because they are either thrown back at me, or used against me. I also do this, to keep my own sense of privacy. Yes, there are many times I would love to give people an ear full. I typically don't, or limit my conversations because I can feel the level of comprehension from the others. It is said, and I believe, that people will only understand from their level of understanding. For people that are not capable of empathy, compassion or even true care - they will never understand what I have tried to say. That's ok because they are on their own path, they will have their own crosses to bear when judgement day comes. It is not my job nor is it my right to ever judge anyone else. I do, however, have my ascension to tend to. While it weighs on my heart to help others, to be compassionate, to be empathetic, to be kind, and to break generational curses; I can not focus on other's place in their lives. I have honestly had to walk away from people that are not choosing to help themselves. That energy decreases my own, and I can't allow that anymore. 

I'm having to learn how to manage my thoughts, my emotions, and even interactions with others; because I am one that needs to talk through issues. There are many that can't be bothered to talk through it with me, there are some I depend on when I just can't get past an area, and sometimes...writing does not help. I've tried to write out issues, and then burn those painful areas...it did not work for me. I have written in journals for years, and while that does ease some...it does not always help. When I've tried to talk to some, they either look at you like you have a third eye coming out of your forehead or they just don't understand. It's frustrating, but I get it. I am at a different stage of my life. I have focused on what I was chosen to do for years - being a Mom, first and foremost. Now, my kids are older for the most part. Now, I have to ask what is the rest of my life to be. What is my purpose? What am I supposed to do in this world? I want to do something to make my mark, to help people, and to bring an education to the younger generations that has slipped away from years of not passing this knowledge down. 

So, as I finish up today's blog, I will be getting my house put back together after the weekend and getting back to some of the regular daily chores. I will be back in teaching mode, learning mode, and preparing for the last week of the month and all the celebrations that take place then. I'm also making plans for the new year. Building some furniture, doing some painting, and making some needed changes in our lives. I will continue to share some videos as I can, some blogs, and my typical stuff of stocking up. Today though, I am allowing myself the space to think and pray. 

Have a great week!