Today is one of those days that my mind is reeling. While I could see if it was centered on the crap going on in our country and the world, that's not it. Honestly, today it's about me. So, I'm going to talk through this(actually write) the best I know how.
I am someone that either connects or doesn't. There isn't much in between. Seriously, I like you or I don't. I get a "vibe" almost immediately from people and animals. There are plenty of both that I am indifferent to...I will talk to people or show kindness towards animals, but I don't get "attached." I learned very early in life, to not to. People come and go, as do animals. It would be very easy for me to guard my heart, against both, by becoming colder. I don't want to do that. Truthfully, when I have done this, it has been out of necessity and it still hurts me...I just have to learn to deal with it. Sometimes, you get to a point that the hurt is no longer tolerable so you have to accept what is. It would be very easy, in a lot of scenarios, to be whiny, and throw a pity party. I am not that way. I would rather find solutions.
This morning, at 1:17 am I was awoke, by what I'm not sure. I woke up looked at the clock and felt an emotional drain. At 3:40 am, again I was woke up from a dream that wasn't pleasant to feeling not only emotional drain but also something really deep, that I just can't put my finger on at the moment. At 4:15 when my husband's alarm went off, I woke up just enough to feel only what I can describe as "be patient." At around 6, I got up...tired, obviously, but with a resolve of needing to find my path. I know, for most, these are just occurrences...I believe in signs, and being guided from our Creator, in any means your mind is open to. For me, it is usually my dreams and gut instincts. Yesterday, I had some pretty harsh feelings. Some pretty upsetting revelations, that really gut punched me. I can't help but wonder if those harsh feelings need to be spoken(unfiltered) or allowed to just let go.
If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a talker. I need to talk through the thoughts that whip through my head. When you live in a world of technology, text messages and other online messages...having real conversations fly out the window at break neck speeds. Everyone wants to text, or have abbreviated conversations because everyone is busy. I get that, I do the same damn thing...then I get frustrated because I haven't given the quality of presence that I should. I hold myself to very high standards, and that includes being present in conversations, attempting to understand some that make no sense, and my big downfall...I expect the same in return. Truly, having expectations of others is a no-no. I know this. I have learned over time that no matter how much you try to talk or explain some things, other people can only understand from the perspective they, themselves, are at. I can talk all day long about farm life, the livestock needs and gardening...but someone with no understanding or desire to understand, will ever understand. That is just one of those things that happens.
I always attempt to lead by example. I may mess up, make mistakes, or even fail but I could never expect anyone to do something I wouldn't be willing to do myself. That's not to say I am not capable of being hypocritical, although I try not to be...sometimes, I am. It's a human fault. The one thing I always try to do, is learn from my mistakes. Learn better techniques, gain more knowledge, and do better next time. This can be a struggle when you work with other people, other animals, or even (in my case) take on an overwhelming amount of challenges at once. Sadly, I am notorious for biting off more than I can chew...I don't like to let people OR animals down. When I took on raising ducks, I had a massive learning curve. They are NOT like chickens. They require a lot more effort. They aren't as hardy as chickens. Going way back, learning about chickens...that was a whole lot of trial by fire. It didn't help that we had 2 VERY aggressive roosters that would attack anyone that went into the coop. Fortunately, I learned that lesson the hard way. Having dogs and cats, I don't care if you have 10 animals of the same breed...every single animal has its own personality, it's own character traits, and they are all a bit hard headed. Cows, sheep, goats... they are all the same...every animal has its own character. Think about it, people aren't any different either, even if they are from the same family.
While I have put myself into a more visual role with my videos and these blogs, they are WAY out of my comfort zone, I have done so trying to help others. Whether it's learning about the farm life, the home school life, the world chaos, stocking pantries, or just sharing my own journey's in an attempt to try to help someone know they aren't alone in their trials...this I feel is my calling. At the same time, sometimes I wonder how many actually read or watch the things I put effort into putting out there. I don't need to be famous, really don't want to be, but I want to help others. I want to share my crazy but blessed life, adventures that bring me happiness, information that I find too important not to share, and open up a line of communication to like minded people that are also doing what they can to better themselves in whatever means they can. I'm not an eloquent speaker, sometimes my thoughts come out more jumbled than I prefer, and sometimes I just lose my temper altogether.
When I find myself in these instances of something irritating my instinct, I need to talk it out. While I'm not getting answers for anything, I may just be given a path to the answers, by talking. So, for today, this is some of my jumbled thoughts. Maybe this will help, and maybe not. Until next time....
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