Priority and Path

 

 

 

 

Once again, one of my favorite online personalities has hit a conversation that I have been thinking about for a little over a week. Ms. Patara, I believe is on the wave length that I am. There is a controversial section in here, so read through it before getting bent out of shape. I have my opinion, just as you have yours.

 

I have shared many thoughts the past several years. From politics, to farm life,  to spiritual growth, and the list goes on. For about a month now, I have really felt myself withdrawing again. I firmly believe in not having to fight every battle, and choosing wisely the ones you do fight. Most days, I choose to let go of things I read, see, or hear; that do not go along with my own beliefs. My personal choices are not up for debate by anyone else. Just as each of you have personal choices that are not for anyone else to judge. I truly believe each of us is on our path and that what we experience is a result of our choices. That being said, in a world that seems to have been shaken up and turned on its head...distractions, temptations, and poor behaviors are rewarded and good/well intentioned people are punished.

Lately, I have found myself digging really deep for answers. You see, when you stand by your own convictions, your own beliefs...many times you are criticized and degraded. Especially, when you choose to put aspects of your life in a priority list. Making this list was suggested by a friend, and it made sense to me. Prioritize your stresses was the actual conversation, but it is now being used for other areas, as well. Not all of us are going to be on the same page, at the same time. When life continues to hand us distractions, you have to constantly reevaluate where you stand. I get frustrated when I attempt to help people, and get too much push back. Well, that is on them, not me. I have made an attempt, but I can not and do not want to live their life...mine is enough for me. What is even more frustrating is when you believe those you include in your life are on the same page, only to find out that they aren't. It brings to mind the phrase, "some people are in your life for a reason, a season or for life." Some of these people just are not meant to stay, and I believe as humans, we are in a constant battle to keep people that are not meant for us. It's difficult to walk away from people that have invested in. Whether that be time, money or even connection. 

Many people are invested through other means too. This area is one that really seems to tick a lot of people off when I try to suggest a different point of view. So, here we go. The religion aspect. I am not religious. I have read the Bible, and I have attended many different "religious denominations." To me they are all the same. I refuse to be judgemental of anyone else's life choices. I just can't do it. There are plenty I disagree with, but their choices are not my cross to bear. I do not need to sit in a building to pray or for whatever Grand Creator there is to hear me. Yes, I believe in a Creator...I just believe many have differing opinions of who/what that is. I believe that evil/devil is in actions...not some being, not someone's personal belief system. I believe this is just another means of divide and conquer amongst people. Like I said, I don't believe what we think we know to be other religions - Buddhism, Muslim, Paganism, or even the First People's beliefs; are inherently bad or even evil. There are just as many that claim to Christian/any denomination, that are sickos. That would make me judgemental, and that goes against what is preached in the Bible. Christians preach that Jesus died on the cross to forgive our sins, yet God is going to damn you for the very sins supposedly forgiven. So, we are expected to go out in the world judging people that have chosen different life styles, or different paths? I strongly disagree with that. I also disagree that by preaching to others you are just trying to "save" them. In my view, all that judgement does is cause more divide and animosity. If you feel a fellowship, or conviction to be at a church; that is your path. That does not mean it is everyone's path. 

I believe we have been led astray. Somewhere along the way, we have been led to believe that self righteousness and even self importance is acceptable. Who am I to say, that someone is going to hell for something they have done or said. 90% of the population can read, so they can go read the Bible...just as I did. Their choices are a reflection of their own character...not mine. I can promise you, there probably isn't a soul alive today that has not continuously sinned in some fashion. Stop the division games. I have said this before, probably a million times - "While I may disagree with your choices, behaviors and actions, you have to do what you feel is best for you." I may disagree, I may even say I disagree...but if you are a GOOD person, I will not respect you any less." I'm told on a regular basis that the choices I make in my life are not good, wise, relevant, or whatever...but guess what, IT'S MY LIFE, MY CHOICES, AND MY PATH TO WALK. Even if that means having to walk it alone! I pray, I spend a lot of time speaking to whomever the Creator may be. I am constantly sending gratitude, and asking for guidance. If you resonate with something - go with it, when you don't - let it go. We were never meant to all follow the same path. That is a lot of bunk to start with!

It is always amazing to me how much divide is the focus in our world. Whether that be race, religion, skin color, culture, or whatever. Why are we divided?! Our differences is what makes this world such an amazing place. Yes, I get tired of having crap shoved down my throat. Especially, issues that should not be public issues. What you do behind closed doors or medically...is NO ONE else's businesses....stop making it a public circus. While I personally believe traditional values, that does not mean I am right, or special. It's my PERSONAL beliefs. What I do in my bedroom, in my house or at my doctor's office - is not and should not be up for debate by people that don't matter. 

Guys, are you seeing the same patterns that I am?! When governments get involved in anything, it all becomes a circus. They use our beliefs, our convictions, even our sexual orientations as a means to divide us. Think about it! How many times have we heard racism, in a single day? How many times have gun owners been singled out because of a nutcase that has no value on life? How many times have politicians catered to one "class or another," just to get their votes? Have these governments and politicians actually DONE anything to help any of us? Why do continue to play into their hands? We are smarter than this, folks. At least, we should be. We have a two-party system, that isn't. Both the American parties are corrupt to the core, yet we just keep choosing the lesser of 2 evils. Why is that? Why are we not holding them accountable? If you look into your life, yours alone - are you better off now than you were 4 years ago, 8 years ago, 12 years ago? They are!!! Those people are making billions off of US!!! They will continue to make billions, as long as we stay divided. 

I am going to finish this out with my typical conversation. Please be preparing. Keep no less than a months supply of food, water, medical supplies, pet supplies; anything you could need for month - on hand at all times. I know it's getting harder with the price of everything, I believe it is affecting more and more people all the time. Do you best, and do what you can. I pray that each of you has good health, safety, and are given the guidance you need for whatever path you are on.

Salli

Coffee chat of thoughts

 

 

 

It is hard to believe we are almost half way through April already. Welcome to busy season here on my little farm. May 1st is the ultimate kick off of serious preparation that will run until about the 1st of November. It sometimes seems that preparations are never ending. To a degree, that is accurate.

 

I allowed myself quite a bit of down time the last several months. Taking time for myself, dealing with past hurts, and even talking to a professional a few times to help make sense of some things. In December, I turned 48. Over the past several years(closer to 10 now), I have had things that have popped up in my memories that I was not prepared for. I have had areas of my life that didn't make sense, and I had no idea how to handle them. It has been especially overwhelming in the grand scheme of things. From the time I was a child, there have been things that I have swore, I was never going to become/do. It's incredible how much those seeds settle into your consciousnesses and keep hold over you, well into adulthood. Those actually plant other seeds, indiscriminately, and push to other areas of your life too. It is truly eye opening when you have to accept that past trauma, and dysfunction are damaging but also explain so much of who we become. I believe having to go back and rehash some old pains, is a necessary evil, but it ends up explaining so much. Even though, it sometimes ends up open doors with more questions too.

After taking my time the past few months, a lot has become very evident to me. People do not think before they open their mouths. They do not know how to communicate, let alone listen. People have become so selfish and self-centered, and using the pathetic excuse of "that's just the way I am," is an excuse to not want to try to better themselves. Many people have a serious lack of empathy, compassion, or even common decency. Everyone believes their lives are more important than others, their choices are to be respected even when they choose to be disrespectful to other's lives, and people using other people has become the norm. It's very sad to me. Then you have some that choose to drag other's down because their own fear of someone doing more than they did. It's unbelievable. 

It's now getting time for my truly busy months. I have been planning, gathering supplies, and even praying a lot. We all know the mess our economy has been for 3 years now. This has truly put a kibosh on a lot around here. Supplies went through the roof, drought last year took our hay production down to us not having enough hay to feed through the winter...in turn meant having to buy hay. Old buildings that need severe care, realistically needing to completely rebuild, but only necessary and temporary patches will be possible. Grass not growing as it should, means complete reseeding. Incorporating new gardens to allow for more homegrown fruits and vegetables to help offset the higher grocery prices. Increased utilities and fuel costs, means having to cut corners in every other area possible. Increased fertilizer prices meant no real amount last year, but means more this year...and the cost is up still. Decreased income from livestock sales, and increased sale barn commissions taking their toll there too. Having older hens that do not lay regularly anymore, so adding a few new ones is necessary. You see, my farm life is constant preparations. It really never ends. Some farms may not need all this effort, but mine does. I guess either some farmers are neglectful, don't care as much, or they have more help than I have here. Either way, my days are full...and most of the time, I wouldn't change it for the world. 

I was talking to my Dad the other day, and a comment was made about being backed into a corner. Honestly, that is where I have found myself, on more fronts than I cared to admit at the time. I have spent so much of life in fight or flight mode, that I don't want to be there anymore. I just want to be happy, better myself each day and be a good mom. Sadly, those you care the most about, are sometimes the ones that hurt you the most. I can tell you, after nearly 25 years in a relationship, it is easy to find yourself in a rut. You have those spells through any long relationship...it happens, especially when you don't put in a true effort to grow together. You end up being talked at, talked about, or talking and no one listens. Having a family means a lot of growing pains too. You don't realize when you are in the thick of the baby stage, toddler stage, even school age; how shaping those babies can truly effect their overall productiveness in their lives and society. Right now, my baby has hit the lovely teenage years, and growing up in today's world, makes raising a child during these shaping years truly one of the hardest things I have ever done. Beyond my home, is another world completely different than the life I live. It's really not better or worse, just different. People that do not understand my way of life, find every fault possible. That's ok, because I know they do not get it and many of them couldn't live that way. They weren't chosen to live this way. I've tried to be understanding, even when I get a ton of backlash. It is what it is. I couldn't live their lives either...and honestly, wouldn't want to. I love my life, and deal with what I need to. 

Today, as I get my boots on to start my marathon months...I have to remind myself that no one else determines my worth nor my value. I had one "mentor" that was a shock to me, through these lasts months of insight, that I should thank beyond measure. This person, maybe unknowingly, helped me to see beyond traumas and issues to become the strong, independent person I have become. So, I will thank them privately, but if this is read....THANK YOU!!!! I am no where near perfect, but I am strong, independent, loyal, and capable thanks to direction not only from my "mentor," but a great teacher, and a few other great people that always reminded me of how much I was capable of being!!!

Coffee Chat and always more!

 

Coffee Chat and always more!

I have found myself with so many thoughts, that I just can't seem to string together enough words to make them all make sense! Strange place to be when writing is what I have always done to get those thoughts out of my head. It's even stranger to me that all the time, effort and research I do; there is so very few that even take the time to read/watch what I put out. So, I question, why bother?! The handful of people that I actually talk to, most don't want to actually listen to anything that goes against their illusion. The rest just want to race through the conversation, use excuses not to communicate, or lean on excuses as to why they are the way they are. I have spent a lot of years watering myself down, to be acceptable to other people's opinions. 

Sadly enough, I find myself at an intersection of which way to turn. For several years now, I have been in a strange position. As I said, watering myself down to "keep the peace," and realizing my "place" amongst family dynamics...it's been unsettling. I have spent a majority of my life in fight or flight mode. Not really slowing down or settling for anything that didn't fit what I wanted at the time. Being a very independent person, has some pretty high stakes in a world that has become more and more entitled. Being in unique family dynamics has truly pushed me to the position of just being an observer...even though my own life is effected by much of the interactions...I'm not supposed to have or voice an opinion. You can guess how well that typically goes. While I have mellowed out a LOT, I have not lost my fire...it's just been dampened a bit more than it should have been. This has been shoved into the forefront of my vision since this past September, more than I realized. I did what I was asked to do, didn't make any decisions without running past those that needed to have the final word, and struggled to hold myself together while being supportive to my loved ones, and extended family...it has been evident that none of that mattered. You see, when you are the strong one...it's just expected that you will shoulder everything. I have, and do not regret doing what I have felt was right. I do struggle with knowing how to manage several areas right now. I may come back to this subject, but this pushes another area into the light.

We are all guilty of saying or doing things, and just chalking that up to "just being the way we are." That is a pathetic excuse to behave poorly and not be accountable for actions. I know this from experience. I am no saint, and I make a lot of mistakes. However, I attempt to approach most things with compassion and empathy. At least, initially. It becomes a major struggle when you see other people's behaviors reflecting badly on them, because of their lack of compassion, empathy and communication skills. I get that we all have moments when we blow off our mouths, before thinking. I think I have a huge "guilty" sign on my forehead. The thing is, taking some time to reflect on what has been said or done, and revisiting the stressing issues with a level head and patience is important. I am watching this scenario play out in my own life. Honestly, I am not sure how to handle it...I see the problems from both sides, and here I am stuck in the middle yet sidelined. Do I step in, try to play referee yet again(25 years of this is getting old)? Do I stay out of it while watching people that are important to me both be hurt because neither knows how to communicate? I can't really talk to either party involved without getting fully involved and potentially causing a bigger issue. It has had me feeling like I am floundering for months. I like to solve problems, not continually add to them. Right now, the issues are piling up because of stubbornness, hurt, and lack of communication. I hate this situation. 

My brain has been drowning in lack of communication for months! I know everyone is busy, and lives are chaotic. I use that excuse too. I don't have many people that I will confide in, because I've my trust in some broken too often. However, I need to talk out this chaos. As much as I am concerned about the country and world events...my own life right now feels like one of those old spinning tops. You remember those old toys? The ones you'd take in your fingers and give a spin. They'd just spin in circles for a while before getting wobbly and falling over? I kind of feel like my own life is at the point where the top is just starting to wobble, it's not yet falling over but you can anticipate that it's going to real quick. 

I have struggled with all the technology for years. Yes, it is an amazing tool for a lot of things, but it's all one of the biggest time/energy sucks there is. I have seen it case so many more issues than it's actually solved. The biggest one being what I talked about earlier...communication skills. Technology has created not only a lack of communication skills, but it has also created a wedge amongst real relationships. How many of you can relate to having your phone or computer messengers blow up with messages, texts and tags....yet, you never or rarely actually speak to people? I get over 100 emails a day, about 50 messages, and a ton of texts...every day. Yet, I may get 3-4 actual phone calls or maybe 1-2 visitors a week! Typically, my family only talks to find out what is for supper, when they want to bitch about something, or when they feel we need to buy to something. Getting them to sit down for more than 30 minutes without phones, tv, or some other device...is nearly impossible. Having a conversation about anything important to me, does not happen! 

I have also struggled to make sense of so many things of late. Have you ever gotten stuck in a rut so deep, you can't see the top? I know the theory of shoveling a little, taking a step up, and continuing that process to dig out....but it's not working! I'm worn out with the Cha-Cha of 2 steps forward, 6 back. Each time I think I am making progress, something else comes along to undercut every step forward I have made. While I am happy with the person I am and am becoming, individually...I have a lot of areas that are sinking...some pretty rapidly. As I have said before, I like to SOLVE problems. However, right now, I can't seem to find solutions. I hate that! 

Moving on to areas that are not stressing me out. Our farm is my piece of heaven. All of the critters, the babies, the gardens, the trees, and even the clean up from winter...they are my stress relief. I have about 20 hens and rooster that are 3-5 years old. I am adding 11 more babies this year. They are currently still housed in a brooder in my mud room. I love spending time with all of them. I have 10 magpie ducks, 5 mating pairs. My daughter has 2 pygmy goats...which I have had to take over care on, since she lost interest. I have a baby lamb in my house that has been raised on a bottle, and is truly the sweetest little ram I have ever dealt with. There are 50 or so hair sheep in the pasture, with a lot of babies - still not done with the second round of lambs. My son has gotten into raising miniature cows and they and their babies are so precious...and still calving. I believe we have finally gotten to a point where I can get my gardens worked up again, if my husband ever has time to do it. Sadly, I am not strong enough to run the tiller. I have a lot of new trees to plant, new strawberries, blueberries, and lots of flowers to get planted. We are just a few weeks from the typical last frost, so it is time to start seeds, and get vegetable plants too. Not to mention, it's time to start mowing and trimming again. I know so many people hate that, but for me, I love it! I enjoy that time of no technology, no one talking at me, and just complete outdoor connection. I know, I'm weird. I have a chicken coop that has seen much better days, and the runs are in horrible shape. All the work that needs to be done on them, will depend on how the finances go. What I had planned to do out there this year, has been put on hold since we had to get a different hay mower. 

Finally for today, I know many people are too busy to read my blogs, read my social media posts, or even watch my videos. I get it. It upsets some days, but it is what it is. I just hope that somewhere, someone will find some use out of the things I share to help them. I get frustrated when some seem so totally oblivious to what's happening around them, or the way their own behaviors effect their desired outcomes...I can't fix the world. I can only fix me, and the way I manage my life. I just hope others will see that by managing their lives, they are also fixing things...one person at a time. 

Thanks for reading this far. Have a blessed weekend everyone!

Salli