Coffee Chat and always more!

 

Coffee Chat and always more!

I have found myself with so many thoughts, that I just can't seem to string together enough words to make them all make sense! Strange place to be when writing is what I have always done to get those thoughts out of my head. It's even stranger to me that all the time, effort and research I do; there is so very few that even take the time to read/watch what I put out. So, I question, why bother?! The handful of people that I actually talk to, most don't want to actually listen to anything that goes against their illusion. The rest just want to race through the conversation, use excuses not to communicate, or lean on excuses as to why they are the way they are. I have spent a lot of years watering myself down, to be acceptable to other people's opinions. 

Sadly enough, I find myself at an intersection of which way to turn. For several years now, I have been in a strange position. As I said, watering myself down to "keep the peace," and realizing my "place" amongst family dynamics...it's been unsettling. I have spent a majority of my life in fight or flight mode. Not really slowing down or settling for anything that didn't fit what I wanted at the time. Being a very independent person, has some pretty high stakes in a world that has become more and more entitled. Being in unique family dynamics has truly pushed me to the position of just being an observer...even though my own life is effected by much of the interactions...I'm not supposed to have or voice an opinion. You can guess how well that typically goes. While I have mellowed out a LOT, I have not lost my fire...it's just been dampened a bit more than it should have been. This has been shoved into the forefront of my vision since this past September, more than I realized. I did what I was asked to do, didn't make any decisions without running past those that needed to have the final word, and struggled to hold myself together while being supportive to my loved ones, and extended family...it has been evident that none of that mattered. You see, when you are the strong one...it's just expected that you will shoulder everything. I have, and do not regret doing what I have felt was right. I do struggle with knowing how to manage several areas right now. I may come back to this subject, but this pushes another area into the light.

We are all guilty of saying or doing things, and just chalking that up to "just being the way we are." That is a pathetic excuse to behave poorly and not be accountable for actions. I know this from experience. I am no saint, and I make a lot of mistakes. However, I attempt to approach most things with compassion and empathy. At least, initially. It becomes a major struggle when you see other people's behaviors reflecting badly on them, because of their lack of compassion, empathy and communication skills. I get that we all have moments when we blow off our mouths, before thinking. I think I have a huge "guilty" sign on my forehead. The thing is, taking some time to reflect on what has been said or done, and revisiting the stressing issues with a level head and patience is important. I am watching this scenario play out in my own life. Honestly, I am not sure how to handle it...I see the problems from both sides, and here I am stuck in the middle yet sidelined. Do I step in, try to play referee yet again(25 years of this is getting old)? Do I stay out of it while watching people that are important to me both be hurt because neither knows how to communicate? I can't really talk to either party involved without getting fully involved and potentially causing a bigger issue. It has had me feeling like I am floundering for months. I like to solve problems, not continually add to them. Right now, the issues are piling up because of stubbornness, hurt, and lack of communication. I hate this situation. 

My brain has been drowning in lack of communication for months! I know everyone is busy, and lives are chaotic. I use that excuse too. I don't have many people that I will confide in, because I've my trust in some broken too often. However, I need to talk out this chaos. As much as I am concerned about the country and world events...my own life right now feels like one of those old spinning tops. You remember those old toys? The ones you'd take in your fingers and give a spin. They'd just spin in circles for a while before getting wobbly and falling over? I kind of feel like my own life is at the point where the top is just starting to wobble, it's not yet falling over but you can anticipate that it's going to real quick. 

I have struggled with all the technology for years. Yes, it is an amazing tool for a lot of things, but it's all one of the biggest time/energy sucks there is. I have seen it case so many more issues than it's actually solved. The biggest one being what I talked about earlier...communication skills. Technology has created not only a lack of communication skills, but it has also created a wedge amongst real relationships. How many of you can relate to having your phone or computer messengers blow up with messages, texts and tags....yet, you never or rarely actually speak to people? I get over 100 emails a day, about 50 messages, and a ton of texts...every day. Yet, I may get 3-4 actual phone calls or maybe 1-2 visitors a week! Typically, my family only talks to find out what is for supper, when they want to bitch about something, or when they feel we need to buy to something. Getting them to sit down for more than 30 minutes without phones, tv, or some other device...is nearly impossible. Having a conversation about anything important to me, does not happen! 

I have also struggled to make sense of so many things of late. Have you ever gotten stuck in a rut so deep, you can't see the top? I know the theory of shoveling a little, taking a step up, and continuing that process to dig out....but it's not working! I'm worn out with the Cha-Cha of 2 steps forward, 6 back. Each time I think I am making progress, something else comes along to undercut every step forward I have made. While I am happy with the person I am and am becoming, individually...I have a lot of areas that are sinking...some pretty rapidly. As I have said before, I like to SOLVE problems. However, right now, I can't seem to find solutions. I hate that! 

Moving on to areas that are not stressing me out. Our farm is my piece of heaven. All of the critters, the babies, the gardens, the trees, and even the clean up from winter...they are my stress relief. I have about 20 hens and rooster that are 3-5 years old. I am adding 11 more babies this year. They are currently still housed in a brooder in my mud room. I love spending time with all of them. I have 10 magpie ducks, 5 mating pairs. My daughter has 2 pygmy goats...which I have had to take over care on, since she lost interest. I have a baby lamb in my house that has been raised on a bottle, and is truly the sweetest little ram I have ever dealt with. There are 50 or so hair sheep in the pasture, with a lot of babies - still not done with the second round of lambs. My son has gotten into raising miniature cows and they and their babies are so precious...and still calving. I believe we have finally gotten to a point where I can get my gardens worked up again, if my husband ever has time to do it. Sadly, I am not strong enough to run the tiller. I have a lot of new trees to plant, new strawberries, blueberries, and lots of flowers to get planted. We are just a few weeks from the typical last frost, so it is time to start seeds, and get vegetable plants too. Not to mention, it's time to start mowing and trimming again. I know so many people hate that, but for me, I love it! I enjoy that time of no technology, no one talking at me, and just complete outdoor connection. I know, I'm weird. I have a chicken coop that has seen much better days, and the runs are in horrible shape. All the work that needs to be done on them, will depend on how the finances go. What I had planned to do out there this year, has been put on hold since we had to get a different hay mower. 

Finally for today, I know many people are too busy to read my blogs, read my social media posts, or even watch my videos. I get it. It upsets some days, but it is what it is. I just hope that somewhere, someone will find some use out of the things I share to help them. I get frustrated when some seem so totally oblivious to what's happening around them, or the way their own behaviors effect their desired outcomes...I can't fix the world. I can only fix me, and the way I manage my life. I just hope others will see that by managing their lives, they are also fixing things...one person at a time. 

Thanks for reading this far. Have a blessed weekend everyone!

Salli