It is hard to believe we are almost half way through April already. Welcome to busy season here on my little farm. May 1st is the ultimate kick off of serious preparation that will run until about the 1st of November. It sometimes seems that preparations are never ending. To a degree, that is accurate.
I allowed myself quite a bit of down time the last several months. Taking time for myself, dealing with past hurts, and even talking to a professional a few times to help make sense of some things. In December, I turned 48. Over the past several years(closer to 10 now), I have had things that have popped up in my memories that I was not prepared for. I have had areas of my life that didn't make sense, and I had no idea how to handle them. It has been especially overwhelming in the grand scheme of things. From the time I was a child, there have been things that I have swore, I was never going to become/do. It's incredible how much those seeds settle into your consciousnesses and keep hold over you, well into adulthood. Those actually plant other seeds, indiscriminately, and push to other areas of your life too. It is truly eye opening when you have to accept that past trauma, and dysfunction are damaging but also explain so much of who we become. I believe having to go back and rehash some old pains, is a necessary evil, but it ends up explaining so much. Even though, it sometimes ends up open doors with more questions too.
After taking my time the past few months, a lot has become very evident to me. People do not think before they open their mouths. They do not know how to communicate, let alone listen. People have become so selfish and self-centered, and using the pathetic excuse of "that's just the way I am," is an excuse to not want to try to better themselves. Many people have a serious lack of empathy, compassion, or even common decency. Everyone believes their lives are more important than others, their choices are to be respected even when they choose to be disrespectful to other's lives, and people using other people has become the norm. It's very sad to me. Then you have some that choose to drag other's down because their own fear of someone doing more than they did. It's unbelievable.
It's now getting time for my truly busy months. I have been planning, gathering supplies, and even praying a lot. We all know the mess our economy has been for 3 years now. This has truly put a kibosh on a lot around here. Supplies went through the roof, drought last year took our hay production down to us not having enough hay to feed through the winter...in turn meant having to buy hay. Old buildings that need severe care, realistically needing to completely rebuild, but only necessary and temporary patches will be possible. Grass not growing as it should, means complete reseeding. Incorporating new gardens to allow for more homegrown fruits and vegetables to help offset the higher grocery prices. Increased utilities and fuel costs, means having to cut corners in every other area possible. Increased fertilizer prices meant no real amount last year, but means more this year...and the cost is up still. Decreased income from livestock sales, and increased sale barn commissions taking their toll there too. Having older hens that do not lay regularly anymore, so adding a few new ones is necessary. You see, my farm life is constant preparations. It really never ends. Some farms may not need all this effort, but mine does. I guess either some farmers are neglectful, don't care as much, or they have more help than I have here. Either way, my days are full...and most of the time, I wouldn't change it for the world.
I was talking to my Dad the other day, and a comment was made about being backed into a corner. Honestly, that is where I have found myself, on more fronts than I cared to admit at the time. I have spent so much of life in fight or flight mode, that I don't want to be there anymore. I just want to be happy, better myself each day and be a good mom. Sadly, those you care the most about, are sometimes the ones that hurt you the most. I can tell you, after nearly 25 years in a relationship, it is easy to find yourself in a rut. You have those spells through any long relationship...it happens, especially when you don't put in a true effort to grow together. You end up being talked at, talked about, or talking and no one listens. Having a family means a lot of growing pains too. You don't realize when you are in the thick of the baby stage, toddler stage, even school age; how shaping those babies can truly effect their overall productiveness in their lives and society. Right now, my baby has hit the lovely teenage years, and growing up in today's world, makes raising a child during these shaping years truly one of the hardest things I have ever done. Beyond my home, is another world completely different than the life I live. It's really not better or worse, just different. People that do not understand my way of life, find every fault possible. That's ok, because I know they do not get it and many of them couldn't live that way. They weren't chosen to live this way. I've tried to be understanding, even when I get a ton of backlash. It is what it is. I couldn't live their lives either...and honestly, wouldn't want to. I love my life, and deal with what I need to.
Today, as I get my boots on to start my marathon months...I have to remind myself that no one else determines my worth nor my value. I had one "mentor" that was a shock to me, through these lasts months of insight, that I should thank beyond measure. This person, maybe unknowingly, helped me to see beyond traumas and issues to become the strong, independent person I have become. So, I will thank them privately, but if this is read....THANK YOU!!!! I am no where near perfect, but I am strong, independent, loyal, and capable thanks to direction not only from my "mentor," but a great teacher, and a few other great people that always reminded me of how much I was capable of being!!!
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