Hot mess expressions

 

Dang it, man!!! The end of August already?! Wait, I'm not ready!!!!! 

Yeah, September begins tomorrow, and I can't change that, but holy smokes! Where has this year gone?! I can tell you this year has been one of mass chaos for me. Dealing with my own issues, watching the economy change, seeing people bury their heads to avoid being thrown out of their comfort zones in so many areas, attempting to manage serious mood changes that tend to throw me into fits of rage, watching my children grow up, learning to stop making excuses for other's behavior and accepting people will show you who they are and you have to accept it...this has been a serious struggle for me. Believing there is good in people, is ok but accepting that they choose not to use it, is tough. Seeing the economic hardships hitting so many, while many still deny it or choose to ignore it has been difficult. I am just cut from a different cloth I suppose. I prefer to be informed and even when it gets overwhelming...once you see things, you can't unsee them. It changes you, period. 

So, I shared my last blog about poking fun at this lovely stage of perimenopause. Guys, I struggled with this for a long time. It is not a medical condition of sorts...it's a stage of life. Everyone wants to force everything into the health arena, and I get it. For me, I have finally reached the point of laughing at it. I'm 48 years old, sick of people's shit, have zero patience for ignorance, battle with stupid aches and pains that irritate me, have mustered through brain fog/forgetfulness/and flat out not giving a rat's ass. I don't need to share every aspect of my medical with the world, it's no one else's business. I don't need an army of support, although my husband and kids may. I have many sleepless nights worrying about other's that rarely think of me, and that's OK! I don't need or want to be in thick of drama, chaos or the he said/she said games. Kids are always my first concern, and I severely disagree with the kids being the ones to have to endure adult drama. Let them be kids, quit abusing them - physically, mentally, and everything else. There is a special place in hell for anyone that harms children, period!!

It's amazing to me how much this stage of life has brought me to center. It has forced a lot of insight that I could do without, but has been brought front and center. It has forced me to see people for who they are, instead of who I believe they could be. It has reminded me how important a Mother's role is in life. It has made me realize that raising children is the easy part...it's once the become adults that the hard part truly kicks in. I have said for several years that we have to trust that we raised our children right, when they become adults...and that is true, but so difficult to sit back and allow them to make mistakes they could avoid. It's difficult when you begin getting closer to having all your children at the adult stage. Then you begin to wonder "what now?" It's a little daunting to think about. I will be 51 and married for 27 years when my youngest is officially an adult. That's still fairly young, but it's terrifying, none-the-less. 

As we venture into the "ber" months - September, October, November, and December; this is typically my favorite time of year. I'm not a pumpkin spice girl, but I love apple cider, baked goods, and of course, the holidays! This year, I'm already struggling. I am usually already mostly done shopping, getting excited to get my Christmas decorations out(Halloween day), planning all sorts of gatherings, and usually the finishing of gardening. This year, I am struggling. I have so much still to do, I am battling with not enough sleep so my energy levels are down, my over active brain keeps reminding me of everything I'm not getting done while more things keep piling up that HAVE to get done. I have a lot of people reminding me I can only do, what I can do...and that's great but I have a list! There are things required to get done before snow flies, before the weather actually shifts, and the produce that is still growing can not go to waste. So, I check off the items as I can, am trying hard to not get stressed over what isn't getting done, and reminding myself constantly that perfectionism is not attainable. One thing I have allowed myself, is time to just be. Whether I need time to just enjoy some music, read a little, a little extra time to enjoy my critters or the solitude of quiet on a walk or in the garden. Taking time to laugh at some comedy, and sometimes just to day dream a little is new. Poking fun at this stage of life, and how much I thought I understood until I didn't. 

2023 is not the world most of us grew up in. The past few years should have taught us so much. Things that have been "too big to fail" are failing. Business closures, constant job uncertainty, no longer having employers or employees loyal to a business, seeing our tax dollars supporting other countries while our citizens struggle, learning that our media not only tells only half truths at best...but they are no longer investigative journalists, and realizing that if you choose to question anything - you become a target for those that choose not think for themselves. It's been interesting and honestly upsetting to me, to try to explain things to people that are just content to live with their heads down. When did America become a nation of conformists? America was created by Revolutionists unwilling to governed by dictators, tax crooks and corruption - yet, here we are back to the 1700's. We have come back to a government that rules with an iron fist. We have come back to being taxed without representation. We are being ruled by greed, corruption and incompetence. Our government is constantly creating laws that we must follow, but they are exempt from. THIS GOES AGAINST OUR CONSTITUTION!!! Where are our warriors? Where are all the Christians that ALLOWED the government to close our churches and our freedom of movement? Where are our soldiers that took AN OATH to protect our Constitution? Where are the very morals and values that shaped this country 250 years ago? I am not a sheep. I am fighting mad at this point. I am a very pissed off American citizen. Yet, I am just one person, battling communities of uninformed, willing participants in the ignorant mandates and medical malpractices, people that are willfully ignorant and content to just keep their noses down and do what they are told, rather than standing their ground. It's hard to stand your ground, when people will not even read the Constitution anymore, they don't even know their rights, are afraid to stand up, are offended by everything, and can't accept the truth because it's too overwhelming. This is exactly WHY we are in the position we are in! Society, as a whole, has been dumbed down, numbed with chemicals, and dependent on government welfare. 

When we teach our children it's ok to live with debt they can't repay for 3 decades, that they have to check all the things off the list we have been enslaved to for the past 5+ decades....we are doing them a serious disservice! I don't want my children enslaved to debt. I don't want them believing it's OK to depend on anything from a corrupt government. Nor do I want them buying into a false sense of security because my own ignorance keeps them ignorant. You know, I remember not being allowed to watch MTV because of the music/videos/show being too violent, yet video games today are pushed on kids where they steal cars and kill people. I remember the 3 channels of tv signing off at 10 pm, with the bar code and signing on in the mornings with the National Anthem. I remember being taught in school, about the respect of folding a flag, hanging a flag and making sure it never touched the ground. I remember learning the small details about flag etiquette which included flags being draped over a coffin, and if it was wrinkled, it meant they were a traitor. How many of you can say you still pay attention to small details? Shoot, even grammar anymore! How many times have we heard about equity instead of equality?! How many definitions have been changed to fit the corruption within our government? How many of you can still have a conversation without using slang, without having your noses stuffed in a phone/computer? For that matter, how many still have dinner, at your dining room table with your spouse, children or family? When our family units began degrading, that was the beginning of the end. 

Anyway, as I move through my days/weeks/months, I am forcing myself to withdraw more. Too many don't want to understand or want to focus on pity or some new medical issue. I am choosing to focus on what I find beautiful. Each day that I open eyes, each time my child tells me "I love you, MOM," each time my husband reminds me he loves me even when I am on the verge of a new rant, the beauty of flowers, fresh produce, my menagerie of animals, and what I can change. I love to laugh, even when it's been a day from hell. I depend on my family to help me stay centered...sometimes that works, sometimes they are the reason I lose it. One thing I will say, I love my family, my country, I love my farm, and I am truly blessed!!

S.

A bit of real life comedy...mine anyway.

 

So, the past couple weeks has brought a shift that I can't explain or even give a time frame on. All I know is that finding the humor about my own life, not giving 2 cents of care to much, and reaching a new level of "I'm not putting up with your shit," has lifted a lot of weight off my shoulders. So, I'm going to attempt to give the comedic rendition of my current stage of life. I know many others my age that can and will appreciate this. I am no comedian, so bare with me. My humor is a bit twisted!

I have hit that lovely stage of "mid-life." You find that at this stage of life, your check engine light is a permanent fixture. Anything that can go wrong, make funky sounds, or be injured...just takes getting out of bed. It's also the stage where you realize that you don't like anyone! Everyone is a nutcase, is totally insane, the damned tv is annoying, the clothing is made for the 20 something prostitutes, the left shoe fits tighter than the right, you can no longer see without readers, you turn down the music to park, your husband thinks you've lost your ever loving mind, your kids are now certain you are crazy, you are talking to pets...and expecting them to respond, you have managed to find everything possible to try to manage hot flashes, you're certain winter will be a welcomed relief, and is this truly pre-menopause....you mean it gets worse?! Yeah, not only have we lost our minds, we like it here!!!

You all know I have been researching for years, doubting everything for decades, and there's like 10 of you that actually give a shit. Once you learn this stuff, you don't unlearn it because it makes people uneasy. You either quit talking around people or quit talking to people all together. Yeah well, this adds insult to injury. So, to the like 3 people still reading, thanks for at least pretending to know what I've talked about! At this point, sometime over the past month, I turned a corner. While there is still a little stress held over, I guess for good measure, but the weight is floating in the same place my thoughts seem to go for many....out of sight. I found this interesting new place of "I don't care!" It's kinda scary, and especially freeing. I've turned to laughing, sarcasm and especially a new love of the southern middle age women that I can seriously relate to. While my mouth tends to go from sailor, to young mom, to a 90 year old woman with not a care who she pisses off...I'd love to be the classy middle age southern woman that rip you to shreds with a single look! Bless their hearts!

Being a mom and wife, going through this pre-menopausal crap could be an episode of CSI mixed with Paula Dean, and the crazy cat lady down the road. Not only are we on hells front porch everyday for 10 years, we are woke up to night sweats that should require changing the sheets a 2 am from something not as fun as our college years, but we got bigger mood swings than our teenagers, and more rage than fat man wanting the last chocolate cake...IN THE WORLD! It's kinda funny to think about from this perspective. I bought into the:  you have reached peri-menopause. You are going into your final stage of life. You are going to experience many bodily changes and your moods will be hard to manage. You will start having health issues as your body becomes a hormonal mess. So pleasant sounding, right? Not hardly! So, you're telling me, I'm going to become a bigger raging lunatic, that's not only sweaty all-the-time, but craving chocolate and angry at everything? That sounds fun. Have you MET my family....I'm predisposed to being crazy, dramatic and overacting...WITHOUT HELP from this hellish transition. 

So, if you follow me on Facebook, you know I've shared a comedian that I can totally relate to...she's just a little older, and apparently I was meant to have born into a southern woman from the word go. Finally, I found someone that could put into words what I have been experiencing and make it funny, instead of making me want to shoot people! So, here's the rest of my current story:

I have 2 amazing kids, and 3 bonus kids. My 2 biological kids have been my world. I have dropped everything in life, to make sure I was there for them, make sure they never had to understand what it was like to not have a mom there for them. I wanted to give them a leg up in today's world full of single parent homes. Well, let me tell you. These amazing kids, have taken full advantage of this. They don't have a single clue what it's like to have to fend for themselves, ever. They get scared...go wake up Mom. They get a belly ache, call Mom. They need to vent, they call mom to vent ABOUT mom. Anyway, my oldest is getting married in less than 2 months. I made the decision, of course my husband knew about it..., that he could stay at home for as long as he wanted, he just needed to pay a little bit to help with the house payment, utilities and food. No free ride. The concept, was to allow our kids a leg up in an economy that has gotten tough for even those of us experienced enough to remember 2008, and the 90's. Allow him to save money to be able to buy a house instead of rent something he would never own. Attempt to be better than average in the parental department. Well, now he's getting married. He wanted to purchase our house, as our plan has always been to build a different house further back on our property. Well, this went from our plan in a few years, to now he has to buy the house now, because people told him that now he's getting married and has to have his own house. Yeah, this is the point as his mom, I question where his back bone went to keep his business to himself. Anywho, it is what it is. He's getting married to a beautiful girl from Italy. I love my kids, all of them. But they are kids, they have yet to be screwed by life, by hardships, and in all fairness...reality. I still have a teenager to raise, but I am expected to make my world revolve around everything but that teenager. So, for a month, I got seriously overwhelmed. I was crying nearly every night, couldn't manage to get through a day without seriously wanting to run away from my life - something I did not ever believe would happen. It was at my lowest moment that I was told something that was like a kick in the teeth. It was at that point, it hit me like a freight train....no matter what you do, what your intentions, there's always going to people that discount you and your concerns. So, why bother worrying yourself to death, it's time to let your kids start to get screwed by life and tough but avoidable lessons. 

So, it was at that time I made a statement that felt foreign to me..."I've done what I could." Then came the rest of the story. I always laughed that I should have started saving money when my youngest was little because she's a mini me, 30 something years younger. I've spent 2 years dealing with the early teenage girl years of mood swings, anger, aggression and rage. Well, again...just me a few decades younger. This amazing young lady informed me, "Mom, I've got your back. You're not too crazy." I love this kid. Then her young humor informed me that crazy was a prerequisite for our family. She makes me laugh every single day. UNTIL it comes time for school work! Then it's like 2 wolverines in a burlap bag!! Sometimes, even experienced crazy doesn't win against young crazy!

I went out to my chicken pen the other day, typically one place I can go that people do not follow me. It's my sanctuary, like my gardens. I walk out, and all the animals run to gate, so happy to see me. They just want fresh water, food and some pets....not more space, less noise, mood lights, a bigger closet, more tractor parts, another hay mower, or sex(didn't most of y'all give up sex in college, to make love?). Thankfully, cause you imagine a chicken, duck or goat driving a tractor or trying to bale their own hay?! While I would laugh until I cried down my legs, but seriously...that would be a sight! Anyway, I got all the creatures fed, fresh water, gathered the eggs from every nook and cranny that they drop the danged eggs...and sat down. A couple of my young hens love to be petted. They walk up and I think it's going to be like every other day. I will pet them a little, they jump on my leg then jump down and walk away. OH NO, that day...they decided to be little velociraptors! One jumped up on my leg, the other took a hold of my finger twisting and pulling for all she was worth. I shot off the dirt like I was shot out of a cannon, and then proceed to scold those damned chickens. You know, as well as I do...THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND NOR CARE, WHAT I WAS SAYING!!! 

For a decade, when I take off to the garden...everyone avoids me. They know if they go out there, they will be stuck pulling weeds. They also know, when I go to the garden, that is MY time. You don't talk to me, you do not tell me you need anything until I am done in the garden. That is my time to pray, to work in nature to balance my body, and some place that I am not hearing, "Mom, I need....." or "Honey, can you do...." Kind of like when I mow the yard. Unless the house is on fire or someone is dying, leave me alone!  Well, the past couple of years, my dear husband has been coming to the garden more and more. Now, I love this man, mostly. Nah, I do love him...until he tries talking to me in garden, or trying to show me something on Facebook while I'm in the shower. Anyway, he comes out and helps pull weeds, asks a million questions about why I trim the tomatoes, or why I planted so much of this or not much of that. Then it goes on to should I pick this vegetable or let it grow. I ask him to run the tiller in the pathways between rows, it's time saving from having to constantly pull weeds. This year, he's like, "well, just hold the plants back so I can get closer or where are the rows?" My garden got a little wild with potato vines and weeds. Then he does something sweet like, "I think this is the best tomatoes you've ever grown," and you get that screwed up look on your face, like...did he really just say that? I'm not sure if that's a compliment that all the learning I have done is paying off, or if until this year, my tomatoes have sucked! Anyway....not that he ever reads anything I write....ANYWHERE, but thanks honey...I'm taking it as a compliment. The first 32 tomato plants weren't enough, so I grew another 30 from seeds, that weren't even ready to go into the garden until July. So, yeah, even though most of my tomato products are already canned up...I get to do it all again in 6 weeks...right after the wedding. 

So, I have had some pretty blind sided revelations lately. I find myself in quite a spot. I am spending more time laughing at the stresses in my life, at the stage of my life that has made stronger women than me complete lunatics, and realizing the only way to have a clean and organized home....is to live alone. I have realized that while you try to save your kids some stresses, they apparently need to learn the hard way. That even though you bite your tongue and do not say even a fraction of what you think....man do those voices have some amazing ideas. So, for all of pre-menopausal women....embrace the crazy, laugh at all the changes our bodies are dealing with, and take on that totally freeing phrase of, "I don't care!" We have to laugh through all this craziness or we will need our own bedazzled "hug-me" jackets. We are not losing a damned thing. We are gaining our freedom, our grit and those in our lives....only the strong will survive! 

A coffee chat and updates

 

 

August 17, 2023. A coffee chat and updates. 

 

Well, we have 2 weeks left of this month and to say I am behind schedule, is a total understatement. So, I'm getting my brain organized, my schedule organized, attempting to get my house organized, all while trying to get prepared for winter/cold months. If you don't live on a farm or in the country, you probably do not realize what goes into this preparation. If difficult to understand when you have convenience at your fingertips, as opposed to being a distance from everything. Once the winter weather sets in, snow/ice hits the ground, I am done driving until Spring...unless absolutely necessary. There are enough idiots on the roads in bad weather, they do not need me there too! I can drive in crap weather, I am just not comfortable doing so. I avoid it when possible. Also, living so far out, there are winter weather events, that cause the roads to be snow covered/iced for multiple days before seeing a plow or salt truck. Since we have lived here, we typically have 2-7 days of this per winter. So, preparing is not an option. Besides, it makes sense to just be set in the event of any kind of emergency. At least to me. 

 

Alright, let's dive into the conversation this morning. My first stop on technology every morning is news updates. Most of them I glance over, and move on. This morning, some things caught my attention. New numbers are still coming out in the economy and the B.S. meter is pinging "red flag," in a big way. Inflation is up from July, and over 9% higher than just 2 years ago. Job numbers come out weekly, but that is deceptive. The increased jobs are primarily in the services sector(hotel, restaurant, and bar industry...hospitality). Those jobs claim full-time, at 35 hours per week. The government numbers claim wages are rising faster than inflation...WHERE??? I believe they need to quit drinking their bath water. It is currently costing American's an average of $709 MORE per month for bare basics. The current inflation standards do NOT include housing, food, fuel; in their 9.2% inflation. Putting economic stats to the test, when you account for the value of the dollar and goods today, and the same from 1929...we are already WORSE economically that when the Great Depression occurred. So, there you have it. Take it as you will. 

 

The battle we are all facing is that of good versus evil. No matter how you look at it. My Christian friends talk about the rapture and coming of Christ. A Native friend has a very unique view point. Many friends of different cultures, have talked about their own beliefs in what is currently playing out today. History has taught us that many times, those who attempt to take total control, are neither "trying to help" nor are they even thinking of the people they attempt to control. It becomes a power grab, greed driven and a financial scheme to enhance themselves further. When this occurs, the people are the only reprieve to stop the advancement of any fashion of totalitarianism. Sadly, I have always believed that out Constitution and our military would be the ultimate saving grace for us as Americans. Now, I am seeing the weakness, the generations long divisions, and true lack of critical thinkers; has not only weakened American resolve, but American minds have brain washed or phys-oped. Take that as you will also. It's coming from an researched based observation.  

Economically, American's are struggling. Many are being faced with having to choose between paying bills, buying food, getting necessary medications. Many more of elders, are having to re-enter the work force at 70+ years of age, because they can not make ends meet. Our young people are having to face a backlash of issues, not seen in 4-6 generations. When the rent prices are more than a mortgage, purchasing a home is triple the value of it/having a required 20% down payment/and interest rates pushing 10% for decent credit...more young people are staying with their parents. That brings in the well meaning, trying to get these young people to have homes of their own. Unfortunately, the reality is...these young people are facing depression era levels of struggles and now is NOT the time to be pushing them. Not only does it make more fiscal sense for the kids and parents alike, to split costs of one household, that was the normal for most generations until the last 50 or so years. I have no idea who thought strapping people with astronomical debt to keep up with who knows who, was a great idea...but it's NOT! I guess it is a lot easier to spend other people's money when you don't have to worry about the financial instability in your own pocket. I do not say this to be ignorant....having visited with my banker, a few friends in the markets, and paying attention to the economy; not a single one is recommending any different than I am right now. All of them say, this is not the time to get further into debt. Now IS the time to paying off debts and saving money where you can. As I have said before, I research and question everything. What I talk about, comes from knowledge I have acquired, not just spewing words.

Our farm life is never dull. Right now, the garden has begun producing...even if small amounts at a time. My husband and I managed to can up another 9 quarts of pasta sauce at 9 last night. I still have more tomatoes and peppers to get worked up and picked. My Fall round of tomatoes should start setting on in September. I may have to do some hot houses to protect them so I can get tomatoes into October. A volunteer cherry tomato plant has taken over a quarter of my firepit area. It is literally growing in sand and rocks, and covered in little green tomatoes. I will be saving some seeds from that plant. My early tomatoes are the ones producing right now. I planted 5 different types this year. A few I have grown in the past like, Carolina Gold's, Mortgage Lifters, and Early Girl; but I got a 4 pack that said it was Heirloom and I do not like how they grow. The other style was Amish Paste tomatoes. They are becoming softball size with the consistency of a roma. I like them and how they are producing. I was able to save a single cucumber plant from the drought, and it is still producing more than we can eat! The Jalapenos and Banana Peppers are overflowing!! The different types of bell peppers are doing well too. I planted 3 types of potatoes this year, and it's getting time to start canning/freezing them too. If this year is anything like the past few, I will have a lot of stuff ready about the same time as the kid's wedding and the veteran hunt. Which means, pulling some major double duty or letting it go to waste. I still have a plethora of tomato products to can up, to refill the pantry. I have spent the past year, up to and including 2 weekly sessions currently, learning new garden and food preservation tips and learning seasoning.cooking tips and tricks. Learning has become a passion for me. My Dad told me YEARS ago, education is something that can never be taken from you. Apparently, it has actually been something that has stuck with me for many years now. I am always striving to learn more. I have a lot of ideas for gardens moving forward...I just need to get my family on the path to help get them ready. While the smaller main garden has done a decent job for a few years, the need to grow more of our own consumable foods that are not store bought, has become seriously greater. There is a lot of work that goes into gardening. It's not as easy as just throwing some seeds in the ground. My garden planning has already began for next year. Soil additives will need to be placed in the main garden, as well as any additional gardens. Planning for how many will be utilizing food out of the gardens for next year has to be figured in. What foods each person eats/needs will also have to be figured in. Right now, we can easily feed our family, and help out 1-2 other families with a few items. By next year, we may need to be helping our family, both of our son's families, and possibly having to help some of our neighbors as well. As I have said before, we have several elders in our community that could benefit from a little extra help. I have no problem helping them, if at all possible. I am still young enough and for the most part healthy enough, to be able to do this garden work, this canning and food preservation, to help out. 

Where we stand currently, is having a country that has lost its direction. A country that has lost its moral compass and sanity. Finances are forcing too many American's to have to make choices not seen the late 1929/1932 time frame. Many have become greedy and selfish. Too many depend on government and refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. Food prices are increasingly getting worse, fuel cost is on the rise again, and the more divided we become - the more control the government can take. We must help each other when and where we can. We must support our local communities. No matter how divided the media would lead us to believe we are, I believe the divisions are not as numerable nor are they that different from each other. We all just want to live our lives, be able to support and take care of our families, keep our children safe, keep our liberties and rights, and keep the government out of our lives. 

I pray for everyone trying to make ends meet, trying to help others when possible, trying to remember to have faith when all seems lost. I pray for the American citizens who seem to keep getting the short end of the stick. I pray for our soldiers and veterans. I pray that God does step in, and provide the miracles we need on this Earth to put order back into it. I pray that God allows me to help those needing direction, and that my family, extended family and dear friends stay safe, prepared, healthy and hear God's guidance on each of your own individual paths.

 

 

You can lead a horse...

 

Exhaustion runs bone deep. Accepting that you can not help those that do not want help, is difficult. It's a difficult position to accept.

 

Yesterday, I started writing a blog. I stopped because I was too emotional. I have struggled with a lot for quite a while. You see, I chose to dig in and figure out what has changed our country into something so evil and dark. I could not allow myself to be ignorant of the fact that so much is going on, that makes zero sense. While it may work for some to be blissfully unaware, it doesn't work for me. My intelligence goes much deeper than that. I may follow my instincts, but rarely is there actual emotion that goes into decisions.  Until the past year, there is rarely emotion in anything besides my family. I figure everyone has the right to their own opinion, thoughts, and way of life...myself included. While I have spent nearly 5 years trying to help others in one fashion or another, each time has ended up with me the one getting screwed. So, when I come across blunt, rude, or any number of other adjective you choose to add...that is why. I have spent so much time learning what so many others refuse to even see or admit. That has not changed for me, I've been this way for most of my life. 

There are days I wonder how much easier life would be to never question anything. To never step outside the proverbial "normal" box. Then I look and am reminded that if I was that way, I would have never broken generational cycles. I would have never taken the steps or learned the lessons of having to battle for anything I have gotten in my adult life. Sure, I might have saved several heartaches, several blemishes to my own character value; but I would still be in a cycle of life that I have know from a very early age that I did not want. The very soul of my being has screamed for so long that there are some very wrong paths going on. That you can not trust people, you can not trust emotion(it too, changes as your knowledge expands); you watch and trust actions. 

In my emotional melt down yesterday, I struggled to explain to my husband how there is not a single issue but a multitude of issues that has piled up. It truly crippled me for an entire day. That does not happen to me. I don't share this for pity or even empathy. I share this because even the strongest of people, will reach a breaking point. I have spent so much of my life in fight or flight mode, and that is one thing I am trying to break. It's easy to dish out advice and opinions. Especially when it has zero bearing on your own life. I share a lot of my life, to show people that you can make changes and you can break cycles. I share in hopes that it will help others to realize they are not alone in their struggles. However, I'm beginning to wonder if people are just good with blissfully unaware. I know I will get flack for this, but again, this is my own opinion. I may be completely ignorant of this thought. I'm ok with that. Not everyone is the same, and that is a beautiful thing too. 

I am concerned with our economy. I have dove into understanding economics, the monetary system, the government reporting system for unemployment/recession/inflation. I have taught myself to understand these things. I have researched, and having loved history class throughout school and that has continued through to today, I have paid attention to patterns. I have paid attention as monetary definitions have been changed, as the credit rating was cut for only the 2nd time in history(in July), as inflation has been redefined, as the US Reserve Currency is being crippled and cut off around the world, and the value of our money supply has reached record lows and what will happen when BRICS takes over and removes our currency as the reserve currency. I have watched and learn how the current housing market, interest rates and values have hit the biggest bubble in American history and that bubble is about to burst. I have learned how the stock market is being propped up by the Federal Reserve, and what exactly the Federal Reserve is. I have personally seen how this current economy is destroying the average American household, and small farmer. How this economy is making our elders have to choose between pay bills, buying groceries, and needed prescriptions...or try to find a job at 70 or 80 years old, because they can't afford to get by. I have seen young people lose everything trying to pay $1000 a month for rent or a mortgage, plus the increasing cost of utilities, food and fuel. But it is easy to spend other peoples money, so let's send our young people into unsustainable debt before they can even have chance to get started. Then there is my generation. Those of us that work our tails off, pay a boat load of taxes, a boat load in insurance costs, barely scrape by now...when just 3 years ago, we were comfortable. When your mortgage rate increases, fuel costs have doubled, food costs have doubled and then some. When the job markets are no longer guaranteed. There is no such thing as loyalty to employees and in turn the employees are not loyal to their job. Trying to find a job means going into food, hospitality, or a coffee shop unless you carry a Bachelor's or higher degree. Which means you are probably carrying a student loan debt to boot. How do you expect to get a home, vehicle, and in some circumstances - even a job, without good credit?! Yes, we are not in complete destitution yet, so some may still be ok. But what happens if you lose your job, your hours get cut, you have an illness/injury that requires time off work? Any one these alone, can play havoc on your financial status and in turn your credit score. So what then? This is NOT fear porn, THIS is a reality in the world we live in. 

I will continue to share some things, but I am pulling back for a bit. I've tried to help people see what is happening around them. I am not someone who can bury my head, or put blinders on to reality. I live in it everyday. I am fearful for the young people and the elderly alike. While I do have empathy for most, I am realizing that it is going to take some sort of massive awakening to shake everyone up. That's not to be mean, just reality. Thankfully, I have done my due diligence, I am aware of what's happening. Beyond that, is outside my reach. My circle is small and there is a reason. I'm exhausted trying to help others, so it's time for me to stop. My responsibilities now, are only to those within my circle.

Coffee Chat

 

So, let's chat! I'm not in a "plays well with others," type of mood, but I want to work through some thoughts. Most of the time, I don't get much feedback from my blog, a few good messages, a few nasty ones...but overall, just a lot of people "reading." I addressed it that way, because I have decided there are a lot of folks that have chosen to not read anymore. If it's not on social media or in video form, no one takes the time to read, let alone pay attention. That's ok...that is everyone's choice, but do NOT degrade or belittle those that do read and do pay attention! There seems to be a serious break down in communication, among all generations and all sexes. Having this issue within my own home, has made me more aware as I speak to others, that this is a major issue in a lot of areas. Most of us have become very desensitized through the years. A reference was made recently to how MTV used to be on the cusp of needing an adult rating, how nearly every movie created in the past 30 years has nudity/sex/violence in it and the creativity of anything new - not regurgitated material in the movie industry has basically disappeared. Having dug into so much the last 4 years, I have no respect for Disney, Hollywood or most musicians anymore. When so many are willingly selling their souls for stardom, they do not deserve any respect, let alone my hard earned money. I refuse to spend money to go to a theater, show or even purchase most music. I gave up watching tv after the debacle of actors at the Sandy Hook shooting. Before you give me crap for that, do your own research and do not regurgitate the "news." When folks are quick to denounce the violence in schools, yet refuse to address REAL issues...I have no respect or desire to hear the arguments. As I have said for years, You do you! I refuse to support anything that has come up in my research on the trafficked children, especially. That is a web and a rabbit hole that runs clear to the top of a lot of industry, the majority of politicians, and many world organizations. Yes, when it comes to children - YOU DO NOT HARM CHILDREN, PERIOD!!! None of this even touches on the lies Americans, in general, have been fed. I have a hard time with a lot of the nonsense that is all over everywhere anymore. Everyone has some "disease," everyone has some kind of mental illness, everyone keeps focusing on all sorts of distractions. The worst part of that is that those with true disease and true mental illness are swallowed by all the crap. Rather than being taught to use whatever illness or whatever stress/mental health issue as a means to do better...people are being taught to use it as a crutch. The logic I have heard, "I was told I would never amount to anything, so why bother trying." or "I have XYZ health issue so I can't do better or take responsibility for my own actions." They are both complete crap. Ok, so many of us grew up in less than ideal circumstances. Big deal. Shit happens. That's life. What are YOU doing to break the mold or break the cycle? You obviously want to stay in a victim mentality if you are not working daily to better yourself. I personally refuse to be a victim. Everything I have dealt with in my, is the reason I push myself so hard and expect those around me to do the same. It's the reason I have HIGH standards and those that don't make the cut....don't stay in my life. Yeah, many of us face health issues. Some we can fix, and some we can't. Guess what...that too is life. When you look at what you put into your body; processed foods, fast food, white sugar, snack cakes, etc. Your body is going to protest. Our bodies need food, but we have become so accustomed to abundance that we forgot the purpose of foods. We are meant to eat to live...not live to eat. Foods purpose is to nourish, care and repair our bodies...not to overindulge. Why do you think we have such an obesity issue in the world today. Not only are we addicted to crap food with no nutritional value, too much sugar which feeds cancer, not enough exercise, and too much binging; but we have become a society of complete mental weakness. When I see so many whiners, crying about being offended by WORDS...I wonder where the hell the kids in my generation went to. Am I the only one that remembers the saying, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?" Seriously, what the hell?! 

I was not any different than most, 5 years ago. I whined about so much. I was buying into the promoted theory that my life was a mess because "my parents caused the problem," or because I was a woman or insert any other nit wit theory. I bought into it. I've made my share of mistakes in the past 30 years...not my parents responsibility, my mistakes. I've made some really dumb choices, believed some warped minded people, and really played into the "my spouse doesn't understand me," drama. Here's a concept:  THEY AREN'T SUPPOSED TO!! We make no sense to the men in our lives, any more than they make sense to us! That is what girlfriends are for, that is what guy friends are for. You want to bitch about your hubby doing something stupid, join the club...but get a girlfriend. Your hubby could probably bitch about the dumb stuff you do too...but you want to know the kicker here....THEY DON'T!!! Usually! I will be the first to tell you, I get so mad at my husband for not paying attention to things I say, not noticing when I do my nails/hair/make up or even wear perfume...even when I don't leave the house, because I did it for him. I hate picking up dirty clothes all over the house, or having to constantly tell him and the kids to pick up their shit. Guess what!!!??? This all falls into this whole feminist movement. You wanted equal rights, you wanted to be equal on every level. Men do NOT think like women. We were not designed that way. Men and Women have their own unique qualities and strengths...and weaknesses. Men are naturally built to be the stronger ones. At least, originally. From the beginning of time, they were the "bread winners." They hunted, brought home the food. The women are the only ones that one up that. Women could cook that food, they could rear children, they tended to the home. That was never a derogatory statement. Men are usually not deep thinkers, at least not in the manner that women are. When women allow themselves to accept their own strengths without the nonsense of the current statuses...women understood that no man could be great unless he had a great woman beside him. Once again, this meant men and women alike, had to understand how they were created to complete each other. Do NOT give me any crap about the whole roles shit of today, that say you are "an island and don't need anyone." Bullshit!!! Each one of us need someone. As much as I complain about being capable on my own, and to a degree I am, it is not how society or mankind was meant to live. Men and women enhance each other. My husband could not do what I do, and I could not do what he does. The biggest problem I can see with a lot of people today, being in a committed relationship, requires opening yourself and your vulnerabilities up to someone else. Unless you can do that, you don't have a good relationship. This is why there is so much divorce, so much abuse, so much adultery. Sadly, there are a lot of men today that couldn't beat this shit out of their underwear, let alone go hunting/fishing for food.

I have had to make some pretty serious concessions. I have spent several years fighting against a battle of outside influence. I bought into a lot of the pity party games being portrayed in the public media/social media. I bought the hype of being a self made person, not needing a man/or anyone, and basically agreeing with the neutering of the male species because they were too male. So, now, we have a bunch of men that don't know if they have a dick or not. They wear their sisters jeans, cry at the slightest insult, have to race out for manicures and to have their body hair waxed. Real men are really hard to find anymore. Me personally, I am glad my husband doesn't cowtow to every single thing I say. I'm glad he will stand up to me when I start whining like an idiot. I'm glad he can hunt, fish, cook the best meals, stands by me even when I make stupid mistakes, and is a good dad. That's not to say that there are things I wish he was better at, like being romantic...but hey, I have plenty of short comings too. Do I need a man in my life, probably not...at least not in the sense of being capable. However, I do need that man in my life to offset my female personality. Just as he offsets me, I offset him. God knows there is not a perfect person on this Earth, but there is beauty in imperfections. I have said for years, I am drawn to those Wrangler butts! :D 

Now that I have pissed off all 97 genders, HA! Let's move on. I mentioned earlier about changing. I have mentioned this in blogs before, but I have had a lot of changes over the past 10 years. I take full responsibility for the mistakes I have made, the stupid decisions I have made, and for trusting the wrong people. Most of my changes, however, have superseded all of that. I am dealing with the post reproduction phase of my life. It has made me batty. The past couple of years has been the worst yet. This is something most women deal with, so I am no different. I can only explain from my own perspectives. At this phase, you start seeing your youth disappear. You are no longer your children's world...they now believe you are always wrong. Your children may be grown and beginning their adult lives...which make you crazier. You've spent the past 18 or so years being a Mom, and now, you have no idea what to do with yourself as you are no longer needed for everything. You now need to refocus on your changing relationship with your spouse. Anyone that says your marriage doesn't change when your children grow up, wasn't much of a parent. You and your spouse have to rediscover areas that have been neglected. In my case, I still one at home but teenagers know everything...so, I'm no longer needed constantly. Mennopause or Peri-Mennopause, make you feel like Dory off the kids show NEMO. Your mind is in a constant state of spaz, you are hot then cold, your moods are changing faster than that of the teenagers, you want to do things you always enjoyed but your body no longer cooperates, and trying to start friendships now - feels like trying to find a needle in a hay stack! In my case, most of the friends I've had are in different stages of this...some have grown kids and even grandkids now, some are still raising kids, some never had kids and really think you're nuts. Then you throw in aging parents, watching others our age start having major health issues, or so focused on careers or changing life styles that many of those relationships have not stayed intact. I, myself, have found it difficult to relate to a lot of people. I quit going out partying and drinking years ago. I threw myself into being a Mom, a wife, and a homemaker. I quit going out with friends after being left at a bar while a "friend" went to mess around with a guy(not her husband) at said bar. I quit going around people that only talked about their "health issues," or other people. I basically withdrew from almost everyone and everything. I was not able to find many people that could relate to anything that was of interest to me. During this stage of my life, some days I feel kind of like a squirrel in traffic....pretty chaotic. It's difficult to not have girlfriends around to visit with. I never do anything completely alone, so that is a bit of a challenge. I have never left my kids with a babysitter, although they have stayed with family at times. So,  getting even a day off or a break is non-existent. I've had a gift certificate for 2 years to a spa, and can't get the time away to use it. So, there's that.

The way this world is turning, scares the crap out of me. We have been lied to on so many levels, so much in our economy is propped up by fake money and fake numbers, and apparently it's now acceptable to change the definition of things when circumstances do follow the narrative.  By the numbers, we are already in depression era levels. However, current times claim we are not in a recession. Inflation, by government numbers claims 3% but by real numbers is closer to 25%. Food is up, animal feed is up, fuel and diesel are up, utilities are up, and incomes are down. It's become acceptable for the government to tell what kind of light bulbs to purchase, that you have to purchase insurances, and what medical care is acceptable. If you say something offensive, you are cancelled or censored. If you choose to ask the hard questions, you are labeled a conspiracy theorists or a nut case. When you bring up the Constitution, people lose their shit and tell you they don't need a history lesson - which proves they are wrong. People have become just like the Romans...give them bread and entertainment, and they won't see they are being robbed blind. Very sad. 

As I dive back into re-organizing my home today... I can't help but think how much easier life was 25 years ago. When the gene pool was more defined, there were still women that respected themselves and had class, when you didn't have to wonder what species the person beside you was, and if you worked for a living...you could actually get by. I pray that God steps in to fix this mess in our world.