Dang it, man!!! The end of August already?! Wait, I'm not ready!!!!!
Yeah, September begins tomorrow, and I can't change that, but holy smokes! Where has this year gone?! I can tell you this year has been one of mass chaos for me. Dealing with my own issues, watching the economy change, seeing people bury their heads to avoid being thrown out of their comfort zones in so many areas, attempting to manage serious mood changes that tend to throw me into fits of rage, watching my children grow up, learning to stop making excuses for other's behavior and accepting people will show you who they are and you have to accept it...this has been a serious struggle for me. Believing there is good in people, is ok but accepting that they choose not to use it, is tough. Seeing the economic hardships hitting so many, while many still deny it or choose to ignore it has been difficult. I am just cut from a different cloth I suppose. I prefer to be informed and even when it gets overwhelming...once you see things, you can't unsee them. It changes you, period.
So, I shared my last blog about poking fun at this lovely stage of perimenopause. Guys, I struggled with this for a long time. It is not a medical condition of sorts...it's a stage of life. Everyone wants to force everything into the health arena, and I get it. For me, I have finally reached the point of laughing at it. I'm 48 years old, sick of people's shit, have zero patience for ignorance, battle with stupid aches and pains that irritate me, have mustered through brain fog/forgetfulness/and flat out not giving a rat's ass. I don't need to share every aspect of my medical with the world, it's no one else's business. I don't need an army of support, although my husband and kids may. I have many sleepless nights worrying about other's that rarely think of me, and that's OK! I don't need or want to be in thick of drama, chaos or the he said/she said games. Kids are always my first concern, and I severely disagree with the kids being the ones to have to endure adult drama. Let them be kids, quit abusing them - physically, mentally, and everything else. There is a special place in hell for anyone that harms children, period!!
It's amazing to me how much this stage of life has brought me to center. It has forced a lot of insight that I could do without, but has been brought front and center. It has forced me to see people for who they are, instead of who I believe they could be. It has reminded me how important a Mother's role is in life. It has made me realize that raising children is the easy part...it's once the become adults that the hard part truly kicks in. I have said for several years that we have to trust that we raised our children right, when they become adults...and that is true, but so difficult to sit back and allow them to make mistakes they could avoid. It's difficult when you begin getting closer to having all your children at the adult stage. Then you begin to wonder "what now?" It's a little daunting to think about. I will be 51 and married for 27 years when my youngest is officially an adult. That's still fairly young, but it's terrifying, none-the-less.
As we venture into the "ber" months - September, October, November, and December; this is typically my favorite time of year. I'm not a pumpkin spice girl, but I love apple cider, baked goods, and of course, the holidays! This year, I'm already struggling. I am usually already mostly done shopping, getting excited to get my Christmas decorations out(Halloween day), planning all sorts of gatherings, and usually the finishing of gardening. This year, I am struggling. I have so much still to do, I am battling with not enough sleep so my energy levels are down, my over active brain keeps reminding me of everything I'm not getting done while more things keep piling up that HAVE to get done. I have a lot of people reminding me I can only do, what I can do...and that's great but I have a list! There are things required to get done before snow flies, before the weather actually shifts, and the produce that is still growing can not go to waste. So, I check off the items as I can, am trying hard to not get stressed over what isn't getting done, and reminding myself constantly that perfectionism is not attainable. One thing I have allowed myself, is time to just be. Whether I need time to just enjoy some music, read a little, a little extra time to enjoy my critters or the solitude of quiet on a walk or in the garden. Taking time to laugh at some comedy, and sometimes just to day dream a little is new. Poking fun at this stage of life, and how much I thought I understood until I didn't.
2023 is not the world most of us grew up in. The past few years should have taught us so much. Things that have been "too big to fail" are failing. Business closures, constant job uncertainty, no longer having employers or employees loyal to a business, seeing our tax dollars supporting other countries while our citizens struggle, learning that our media not only tells only half truths at best...but they are no longer investigative journalists, and realizing that if you choose to question anything - you become a target for those that choose not think for themselves. It's been interesting and honestly upsetting to me, to try to explain things to people that are just content to live with their heads down. When did America become a nation of conformists? America was created by Revolutionists unwilling to governed by dictators, tax crooks and corruption - yet, here we are back to the 1700's. We have come back to a government that rules with an iron fist. We have come back to being taxed without representation. We are being ruled by greed, corruption and incompetence. Our government is constantly creating laws that we must follow, but they are exempt from. THIS GOES AGAINST OUR CONSTITUTION!!! Where are our warriors? Where are all the Christians that ALLOWED the government to close our churches and our freedom of movement? Where are our soldiers that took AN OATH to protect our Constitution? Where are the very morals and values that shaped this country 250 years ago? I am not a sheep. I am fighting mad at this point. I am a very pissed off American citizen. Yet, I am just one person, battling communities of uninformed, willing participants in the ignorant mandates and medical malpractices, people that are willfully ignorant and content to just keep their noses down and do what they are told, rather than standing their ground. It's hard to stand your ground, when people will not even read the Constitution anymore, they don't even know their rights, are afraid to stand up, are offended by everything, and can't accept the truth because it's too overwhelming. This is exactly WHY we are in the position we are in! Society, as a whole, has been dumbed down, numbed with chemicals, and dependent on government welfare.
When we teach our children it's ok to live with debt they can't repay for 3 decades, that they have to check all the things off the list we have been enslaved to for the past 5+ decades....we are doing them a serious disservice! I don't want my children enslaved to debt. I don't want them believing it's OK to depend on anything from a corrupt government. Nor do I want them buying into a false sense of security because my own ignorance keeps them ignorant. You know, I remember not being allowed to watch MTV because of the music/videos/show being too violent, yet video games today are pushed on kids where they steal cars and kill people. I remember the 3 channels of tv signing off at 10 pm, with the bar code and signing on in the mornings with the National Anthem. I remember being taught in school, about the respect of folding a flag, hanging a flag and making sure it never touched the ground. I remember learning the small details about flag etiquette which included flags being draped over a coffin, and if it was wrinkled, it meant they were a traitor. How many of you can say you still pay attention to small details? Shoot, even grammar anymore! How many times have we heard about equity instead of equality?! How many definitions have been changed to fit the corruption within our government? How many of you can still have a conversation without using slang, without having your noses stuffed in a phone/computer? For that matter, how many still have dinner, at your dining room table with your spouse, children or family? When our family units began degrading, that was the beginning of the end.
Anyway, as I move through my days/weeks/months, I am forcing myself to withdraw more. Too many don't want to understand or want to focus on pity or some new medical issue. I am choosing to focus on what I find beautiful. Each day that I open eyes, each time my child tells me "I love you, MOM," each time my husband reminds me he loves me even when I am on the verge of a new rant, the beauty of flowers, fresh produce, my menagerie of animals, and what I can change. I love to laugh, even when it's been a day from hell. I depend on my family to help me stay centered...sometimes that works, sometimes they are the reason I lose it. One thing I will say, I love my family, my country, I love my farm, and I am truly blessed!!
S.
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