Delicate Balance

 

Finding balance amongst the insanity in a world that thrives on drama; it's a delicate balancing act, that many of us have yet to master.

We are branded from an early age to work hard, get a good job, stay in a job until you can retire, then retire and then what?! At that point, you are working with a limited income, quite possibly health issues, a body that fights against you, and younger generations that like to believe they know it all...about it all. So, then you are "phased out," and left barely treading water after everything you accomplished, learned and created. A recent conversation "enlightened" me and made me realize how wrong my own thinking has been.

While one area I continually preach about is slowing down, and enjoying life...this is just a small part of the overall equation. You see, in my own experiences the last several years...slowing down, or stopping all together, was a really stupid move! It ended up creating more issues, than those it solved. By stopping the activities I enjoy, by not working through health issues with protocols I knew to work; I created more issues for myself that are now taking much more effort to overcome. Some days, they seem insurmountable. That recent conversation, and a lot of previous conversations with others...have come to roost on my heart. While I still believe some areas, a large part, is now seeing a different side. One thing I have noticed, that some people are better able to communicate and comprehend than others. Fortunately, my conversation was with someone that was exceptional in his communication skills. His point of view made sense to me. He was able to verbalize things that held voids for me previously, or that I just couldn't understand from my age group. 

You see, my husband and I are pushing 50. That means we are drawing down on the side of raising kids, and to the point of pushing closer to that "retirement" age. I have said for years, everything should be in moderation...I just never expected those thoughts, to blow up in my face, as that is an accurate thought for every aspect of life. We have all lived relatively easy lives for the past 50 years. We did not live through the world wars, the great depression, Vietnam, Korea, or even the land grab of the 70's...although many of us were children in the 70's. While we may have grown up on the poor side, we weren't the children carting water from a stream or well, we have had indoor plumbing, electricity, and cars. Very few lived through not having shoes for their feet, or having no food to eat. Realistically, we have been very spoiled. We can go turn on thermostat to have heat or air, flip a switch for lights, have a machine to wash dishes, go to a store to purchase food and clothing, even if things weren't top of the line...we have had it easy. Even though we have believed that things are tough, I don't know if there are many alive today that could have survived 1929-1946. Those were the years of the Great Depression. It wasn't just a year or two. The depression didn't end until the end of world war2. You had households with 3-4 different families under one roof. There was not an option of anything different. No one was allowed to be lazy, or unproductive. Everyone worked, the women did the majority of the cooking, cleaning and raising of children. That's not sexist, it's fact. That is a topic for later. The men were out working the back breaking jobs, earning mere pennies just to get by. Children typically only had shoes for the winter months. The women would make the few clothes that everyone had. Not like today, when so many of us have more clothing than we could ever wear, not to mention so much stuff. People only had what was useful. Cooking was entirely different. The women had to keep the fires stoked all day, to be able to cook the evening meal. They cooked on cast iron. If you have ever used cast, you know that is not always the easiest way to cook. Anything that was left from meals, was added to the next, so there would not be any waste. The term "waste not, want not," is very ideal for this era. This also plays into my continued conversations about keeping your households prepared. I know so many give me grief about this, but I hold true to my beliefs. Allowing yourself to be readily self-reliant just makes sense to me. Think back to just 4 years ago with the toilet paper debacle. I heard so many people in panic over that. While I still think that was stupid, living an intended and prepared life, meant that I had what I needed. Yes, it was concerning to see the back up supplies start to dwindle, and the possibility of not being able to get it replaced was a concern...but it was not panic. The country going into a forced shut down, was concerning but not a panic for me. Realistically, it didn't change that much for me. For about 26 years, I have lived a life of self-reliance. That's the way my husband's family had always lived, and I was told very early on that that was how it was going to be. While I did battle this for awhile, I am beyond grateful to have learned as much as I did, from some incredible women! Now, as my adult children have moved out, I can only pray they take their own teachings to live an intended life too. However, I will not be changing my way of life. I will continue to stay prepared, continue to garden, preserve foods, learn holistic/herbal protocols,  and improve my own skills.

I guess, my thoughts here, are just proving how much we have become very wasteful. We are overruled by things and stuff. We have lost perspective on what really matters. Think about it: how many of these storage unit places are there? How many people have maxed out credit cards/have insurmountable debt, just to keep up with what "society" believes you should have? How many of us have house fulls of stuff, that collects dust? I am guilty along with so many others! I have gotten rid of more than 10 trash bags of clothes in just the last couple of years, and my closet is still full. The past couple of years, I have been eliminating a lot of stuff. Things that don't hold any value to me, things that don't serve a purpose, and am working on restructuring several areas of my own life. Personally, I am tired of cleaning around stuff, moving stuff around to ease the clutter, and holding on to stuff that no longer holds a purpose. It seems pointless to me to purchase stuff I don't need, to impress people I probably don't like, and have to deal with more clutter. 

It seems in finding a delicate balance in life, it falls into the exact realm of holistic medicine - mind, body and spirit. Finding other people that have your values, morals, beliefs; I call them your tribe. Is highly important. People are very judgemental. They will belittle every step forward you try to take, if it's not in line with their own view. They will judge you, no matter what you do. They will confront you, argue with you or do anything within their power to negate everything you are trying to achieve. That is just the current nature of society. When you don't just fall into the masses, you are any number of derogatory terms.  Embrace that! That means you are finding your way. Even if that means taking the road less traveled and making your own path. Not a single soul on this earth is perfect, no matter how many like to believe otherwise. We are each charged with our own paths in this life, and it's our jobs to figure out what that path is, and how to navigate it. We can have a tribe with us, but they can not do it for us. One more thought before I close this blog... You are the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time with. Are those people good, productive, wise and useful? If not, you are not giving yourself the opportunity to find your intended path. You will never grow beyond those you spend the most time with. So, choose your tribe wisely. You don't need people drilling holes in your boat, while you are trying to bucket out the water.

Coffee Chat - Changing Tides

 

It's been a time of big changes for me. I honestly am not even sure where to begin, but I know writing is my best outlet. We have entered April now, and that means Spring is officially underway for me. There have been so many different energy shifts that I have experienced in the last 8 months or so. The latest shift has brought a physical gap in my own being. Ok, let's dive off into this because I have a lot to talk about.

As I push closer to 50, I'm finding some serious changes in attitude. Some have been good but many are getting less tolerant. Rather than just accepting so much, I had to start putting hard lined boundaries. This has been difficult when I have spent so much of my life trying to please others. By not having these boundaries, I kept finding myself being hurt by other's behaviors; then instead of dealing with the hurt, I got angry. So, not only was I dealing with the hurt but also struggling to maintain control of my temper, and would end up making myself sick. I was constantly tired, stressed, and faced several rounds of a dark place that I had no idea how to fight out of. Not only was I dealing with my own change of life phase, but having my children growing up, having parents with  health issues, trying to keep some form of relationship balance with my husband, still teaching my youngest, working our farm, and having the mental shift in my role as a parent. It's been a severely challenging time for me and to be honest...I have not handled it all very well. For every step I keep trying to take forward, I feel like a wave crashes into me, and I fall 50 behind - and this has been a recurring feeling for months! 

24 years ago, I stepped into motherhood. I can honestly say, the greatest blessing in my life,, has been my kids! While I completely despise hearing "it must be nice to be a stay-at-home-mom," I truly have LOVED being able to be a full-time mom. I have loved getting to see all their firsts, to know my kids personalities, learning styles, and even their flaws. Even though it is challenging in both the mental and financial sense being at home, there is truly no greater job on this Earth. 15 years ago, we began the journey of home school. This was something that was not "the normal" at the time...and most did not hold very positive perspective of it. When you are not given much choice, you do what you have to do. Through all the struggles early on - for both the kids and I, it became just part of our life. It afforded us so much flexibility in learning styles, lesson options, and learning experiences. I got to spend all day, everyday with my kids. That was truly the biggest blessing. Then, the inevitable begins to happen. You only hold those precious babies for so long, all the while, you are teaching them to become productive members of society, and spread their wings to go beyond what you have done. That is the crux of motherhood. You spend 18 years teaching them, to then have to feel your heart break as they go out and do exactly what you have taught them. It's when those babies are no longer babies, those toddlers grow into snarky pre-teens, those moody/brooding teens, and then BOOM - they are young adults. It all happens in the blink of an eye. I know every parent goes through this and has forever...but right now, this is my time. My oldest got married 8 months ago, and last week bought his first house and moved out. You see, I have never been one of those parents that looked forward to having my kids turn 18 and move out. That kind of mind set still doesn't make sense to me. Once you are a parent, you are always a parent. Forcing our young people into making a life long commitment at 18 is shear stupidity. There's people in their 50's and up and they still can't make commitments. However, that was the mindset for several decades. So, having to come to grips with having a piece of my heart with each of my boys in their own homes...and my daughter who is not far behind...has been a challenge. 

As I mentioned in the beginning, I have spent about 4 years really battling with my health and injuries. Part of the injuries are my own fault, because I do things without asking for help. However, as I began the shift into the late phase of perimenopause, the crazy aches/pains/sporadic injuries began to pop up out of nowhere. It wasn't enough to fight with night sweats, hot flashes, cold flashes, and moods that left my head spinning(let alone anyone else that was near by)...oh no, then my body decided to go full on beast. Sinus infections/allergies would flare up, then if not gotten under control quickly...turned into bronchitis or pneumonia within days. Not being able to sleep turned into months of no rest, and resulted in constant anger, stress and my immune system bottoming out. Then I'd be sick again. That was pretty much how 2022 and 2023 were for me...a constant roller coaster of illness, no sleep, stress, more illness, and a lot of weight loss. Again, all of that ended up depleting my immune system making me more susceptible to even more illness, stress related health problems and many times on the brink of depression. Trying to explain all this to anyone was difficult because everyone has their own issues, and no one wants to just listen. I never was really looking for answers, just needing someone to listen. When I tried a few times to reach out, I was reminded how much worse off others were...so I shut back down again. I had to learn to pull myself out of that dark hole. It's been a struggle. I just spent a week very sick again. Sadly, this round knocked my husband and I both off our feet. It is not good when we are both down for the count. Yesterday was the first day in over a week, that I could actually stay awake all day, and eat more than a few tablespoons of food in a day. I'm still exhausted, still not 100% but I'm getting there. Stress is something that I don't manage well, without being able to spend copious amounts of time outdoors. 

It becomes extremely exhausting to be constantly battling something, especially when you are expected to just be ok. The physical exhaustion is completely enveloping and the mental exhaustion is just about as bad. Throw in some major life changes, events, outside stress and having no one to just talk through everything with...and you feel like you're drowning. I have always taken great strides to be independent, able to pull myself up and out of everything, and adapt to whatever was thrown at me. I am seriously struggling to adapt to anything lately, let alone have the ability to just pull myself through even mundane projects. So, I have a pretty large "project" on my hands. Since depending on people has already proven a no-go idea, I have to revert back to my independence. This is a bit of a challenge currently, with still battling another round of illness...but I know I need to. My large project, is me. I have watched, listened to and educated myself on so much; but none of that is worth a plugged nickle of I don't put in the work to do better. 

I got away from the very foundations that I KNEW worked, that I KNEW helped and that I KNEW were worth standing my ground for. I let the opinions of others override my own knowledge and take up space in my own being by questioning what I knew. I became the type of spineless person, I don't like very well. So, while I am still fighting to overcome sickness today, I am working on rebuilding my mind, body AND spirit. This meek, making excuses, letting people take up space rent free in my life, person - has got to go. I can't remember ever feeling this weak. 

I spoke a few months back of returning to basics. That is exactly what I am doing. I am just like every other woman, around this age. Women have dealt with their body changing forever, their children growing up and spreading their wings, experiencing hurt by those closest to them, and having to start over - either due to divorce or because they are no longer in the child raising stage. The one thing that makes a huge difference is how you tackle this stage. You either become weak or you build yourself up. I've been on the weak side and I don't like it. So, I'm building myself. I am returning to basics of health that I know works. Returning to outlets that ease stresses. Refocusing on what I know. It's hard to believe I have let myself get so far down. 

So, 2024 is a crazy year already on the national stage and it's about to become that way for me too, on a personal level. So, let's see where the year leads. We are in the rebirth and renew time of year...seems like a good place to begin again. I hope you will all allow me to continue to share my journey here and on social media. There is no room for weak, spineless individuals in this world; those are the ones always on this pity train. I am too strong for that to continue. 

Here's to positive and productive strides forward.