My blank book is about to see some changes...

I teach people everyday that if you are unhappy, or your life isn't what you want it, there is no one to blame but yourself. I have preached this to my children, my family, my friends and even several clients. This week, I have found myself in a difficult mental pattern. Those patterns of anxiety, sentimental, not happy but not miserable either, and getting restless. I'm sure the horrible weather patterns this Winter have not helped, but this is a pattern that I'm finding happens more the older I get.

When I am teaching, I always preach that you have to like and be comfortable with the person who is starring back from the mirror. That you need to love yourself and accept yourself for who you are...both inside and out. I teach that you have to be able to find happiness within yourself before you'll ever be happy being with anyone else. That accepting less than you deserve is not right for you, and makes you feel like less of a person. The basic teachings of treating others the way you want to be treated, and not letting anyone walk on you or treat you like a door mat.

Unfortunately, I have not taken my own advice nor have I liked the person that stares back from my mirror....for a long time. I have a good life, I can not dispute that. However, there always seems to be something missing. That something, is me. While I usually speak my mind, I do tend to hold more back lately than ever before. I find myself lost. My life has become a full focus on my kids, keeping my marriage running smoothly, not ruffling any feathers I can avoid, and keeping my own needs buried to keep everyone else's lives running smoothly.

I once heard a quote, "you can only make so many withdrawls before your account is negative." Without the additions on occasion, your account drains and becomes empty pretty quick. That is how I have been feeling. I feel like I have given so much, taken on so much, and made everyone else's lives easier, while making my own life miserable. I encourage my husband to go out with friends, or to go do something he enjoys. He can do so without the kids, and without worrying because he knows everything will get done and be taken care of. I can't even take a shower without wondering if he will stay awake with the kids, or be asleep again when I come out.

I don't take off to spend time with friends, heck, I don't even take off to make a trip North to see my family. I stay here at our farm 24/7. It's easier than getting the third degree when I get home, or someone attempting to start something. I have been invited to meet friends both here and back in my home town. I would love to go! However, the budget is always spent before I have a chance to do anything for myself. I don't require or ask for much. I don't need much. I am not a high maintenance type of person. I simply want a simple life. I hate drama and constant complaining. I try to keep any frustrations or problems to myself but occasionally I need someone that will not judge me when I say whatever I might be feeling at the time. I need some adult time, without little ears and opinions. I love being at home, but a night out once in awhile with just adults, music, a drink or two, and lots of laughter are a small price for all the time I spend at home.

I constantly am on the go. My days start early and end late. Between meals, laundry, dishes, cleaning, school work, business, chores, and clients; adding anything else seems impossible. While I have no doubt that I can do anything I put my mind to, it's these transition times that I feel overwhelmed and need some major down time. While I try to be supportive, up-beat and positive for everyone else; I don't feel that same way within myself. More times than not I am starting to feel more passive with my situation. Accepting that somethings will change for a short period, but they never stay that way. Accepting that while I do not wish to change anyone, I would like to be appreciated and not taken for granted...but not having the guts to say so. That while I know in my heart that the respect, love and care I deserve is not what I am getting - it's easier not to ripple the waters. As much as I love my life, and wouldn't change the way we live...I would change the disrespect that I feel daily.

So, as you all as my witness and support team, it's time for the winds of change to blow. I am making changes within myself, for myself. It's time for me to take my own advice and step up to the plate! It's time for me to start liking myself again, and stop avoiding the mirrors in my house. The physical changes I can make, will be made. The mental changes will be made, and the spiritual side of my life will once again be attuned to the universe. While these changes can not be made over night, they will gradually all mend into place.

I am going to need the support as I make changes within myself that will undoubtedly cause rippled waters at home. For a little more than 4 years, I have not made the time nor the effort to exercise. I mean nothing more than chasing after the kids. I have smoked more in 4 years than I ever did, and I have neglected my body for just as long. My pregnancy with my daughter caught me off-guard, and I have not been able to find my feet since. In my eyes, it's time for me to start using the excuses as a driving force instead of a crutch. It's time to start exercising, stop smoking, and find my own stability again. In doing so, I hope to have family and friends support. If not, I will be doing it anyway. I have to. I do not like the person I have become, and I do not like the direction I am going. I am going to have to start making time for me. Being a Mom is a dream come true, but even the best Mom's need time to recharge. It's time to re-organize my life so that I will be of use to those who need me.

Bear with me as I take this journey. I have always turned to writing as an outlet, and this will be no different. Feel free to follow my journey as I change the pages of my 365 page, blank book.

~Salli~