Chapter 8 - August

August 1st.
I am going to attempt to start this month out and finish it up as I planned to from the start of the year. Life has gotten really hectic around here, and I am personally finding the stress more and more unbearable. If any one you have read my blog: Trying to find balance, you know that I am struggling.

By most standards, I have the perfect life, and I won't dispute that. However, having the perfect life from an outside view and having a perfect life behind close doors are much different. While I have a husband that is home every night, 2 beautiful kids, a beautiful home, and get to be home to raise my kids, I have no identity as an individual anymore. I left everything I had ever known 16 years ago and moved into a life that was much slower, much smaller and I had no idea how to live it. A year later I met my husband and have dealt with the feeling of inadequacy for 15 years. I gave up many jobs to keep arguments at a minimum, I have slowly given up trips back to my home town to save money, and minimize the stress at home. I don't see or talk to many of my friends from my home town anymore. I have just a handful of people here that I trust to talk to, and there isn't much chance to make any new friends when I spend my entire life here at home. I have become very introverted and uncomfortable when I have to leave home. Which is a far cry from the person I was 15 years ago.

So, I am on a mission. I need to find a real balance between the person I want to be, the goals/dreams I have, and the person I am needing to be for my family, husband and kids. I have no idea how to do this, but I am going to do my best. I know that I have to find a balance to thrive not only as a wife and mom, but also as a person...as Salli.

August 2nd.
You know, there are times that some good old fashioned conversation is exactly what you need to find a new perspective. Fortunately, I have a handful of friends that I trust completely, and one of them happened to stop out yesterday. While she needed to vent about some things happening in her life, I need to vent about a few things in mine and a few situations that I wasn't sure how to handle. I normally try talking to my hubby about everything, but when he doesn't want to hear it or is fast to respond with letting everything roll off my back....sometimes I need to just talk. After 4 hours of conversation yesterday, I had a much clearer mind, and much calmer one at that!

Over the past 5 years or so, I have become more of a hermit. Not really against will, because I love being at home, but also to save money and stress. I don't do much besides leave for groceries or once in a great while we actually get to go out with other adults. Those years have also been spent reflecting on my life, the issues in my life, the issues with family, and parts of my past that have haunted me. I made a lot of mistakes in my younger years, and there were a lot of issues that I still don't fully understand, that changed me. While I refuse to dwell in my past and whine with the "poor me," pity party, some things from my past still hurt me. Fortunately, I have found some amazing people over the years, and each one has helped me to deal with those things, and even move on from some of them. There have been 8 people to be exact. I am not as cold and disconnected as I was for several years. While I can not mention names in whole, DJ, MS, BC, JL, RB, BH, JR, RW, and Coach...because of each of you I am a better person today!

As I am a firm believer in journaling, so times I will review journals from different times in my life to see if there are patterns or recurrences of situations. This is extremely important for me. I find that bay analyzing everything I am able to not become a better person, but I am also able to learn from my experiences. As I go through a new month(chapter) I am determined to try to reconnect Salli, with Salli. I am determined to find the individual person that has been lost for so many years. With each conversation, each journal entry, and each new understanding, I am getting closer to being a whole, happy person.

We are each a regular work in progress and I plan to be truly living my life, and not just existing. I will be a whole person - wife, mom and most importantly....Salli.

August 5th -
Finding balance is proving to be a challenge. I was fortunate to have a considerable amount of garden therapy time this weekend. During my gardening time, I am able to just relax and meditate(sort of). I have spent the last 5 years re-examining many areas of life. While trying to find true happiness, you have to exam yourself on the inside. This meaning you have to look within to find yourself. You have to be willing to look to yourself for happiness in all areas of your life, for only you have the power to make yourself happy or unhappy. While I know all this, it's been a long process for me, trying to find peace within, and allow myself the happiness I know I deserve.

There have been several areas of my life that I have looked at over the years. From my childhood, to my relationships and even looking at my marriage; there are areas that still haunt me. I know it's said that you must forgive in order to move beyond but some areas, I have not been able to forgive. Some areas are still that proverbial thorn in my side. Some areas I don't believe can ever be forgiven, and although my heart says to forgive and move on since I know some things will never change. My mind and my spirit are both screaming to say what I need to before I move on, before I can move on. However, to do so, would make a lot of areas of my life a complete mess, and I'd lose a few people in my life that I really don't want to.

As meditating for me goes, I found a thought and it helped me calm my mind. "Family and friends are one in the same. While most family is related through blood, some family and friends are related not by blood. Some times, those friends are closer than family." While we can not choose our family, we can choose those which we associate with. For me, I associate with all my family but there are a few that I don't associate with often and by spending less time with them, it keeps my mind and mouth in check. Friends are the same way. I have a handful of friends that I know I can talk to about anything. No judgements, no grief, and honest conversations about everything. While there are a few friends that only know things that should they happen to be made public, aren't a big deal. Those close friends that I share everything with only account for about 5 people. Once again, those are the friends I would trust with everything!

I still have a lot of work to do on myself to find balance but I am getting there. I am a constant work in progress. I do however, have a good grasp on where I am going and who I want to be. I will find my balance, find my inner peace again, and I will find my happiness again.

August 8th -
Sometimes I just want to sit back and watch the chaos around me. I hear people complaining of being sick, having pain issues, having life issues and just constant drama. I watch, as an outsider, the back stabbing and judging that takes place between people that are supposedly close. It makes you wonder who you can trust and depend on. As soon as you mention your observations, many people automatically turn to the guilty conscience response of "I'm sure not that way!" If something said, hits that close to home, more than likely you are "that way." In our house we don't play those games. We are who we are, and if/when people don't like that, it's too bad. While I am notorious for not completely speaking my mind, as I feel some things are best left unsaid, there are times that I do not filter what I say. Let me tell you, that ends up causing me more grief than it's usually worth! Other times, I really regret not saying something that I probably should have.

Because there are many issues in our lives that are touchy, I have learned to keep to myself. I try to avoid dealing with those issues and those people that cause the issues. However, when you do have to socialize with those people, it becomes very tense and not enjoyable. So, once again I withdraw from almost everyone, just to save myself the grief and frustration that always comes. Fortunately, my hubby is very good about helping to curb those times and is usually there by my side to help me deal with whatever the situation is. Even though he and I have our share of issues, and differing opinions, we talk about almost everything and find workable compromises on everything.

So as thoughts go, this is today's thoughts. Off to find some balance to start my day!

August 10th -
I have struggled all my adult life to distinguish myself on my own, away from my family and the life I once led. Some days I find it difficult to not get overwhelmed. On occasion, I will sit down and write my husband a letter. It's usually a bunch of thoughts to help him understand the emotions and challenges I deal with. Many times I don't talk to him about them because I attempt to deal with everything myself to save him hearing more drama than he already deals with. When I finally get to the point of being totally overwhelmed, that's when he gets these letters. While we do talk about most things, and everything with the kids, there are still some issues I deal with because I am the one that is home and he's got enough other dramas with his work.

This week has been another one of those weeks that, I am just completely overwhelmed and not feeling all that confident in my ability to do anything!I work very hard to learn everything I can, all the time. Sometimes, when learning all this new stuff, I learn really quickly that I am not able to do something. I hate that there are things I am not good at, or can't do. After a week of failed attempts at different things, I was feeling way to overwhelmed. I am not where I want to be. Geographically, I have been guided to a perfect life, even though I miss several people from the area I grew up in. I love the area I live in, I love my family, and our life. I am not where I need to be as a person. I am getting better everyday, but not quite there yet. In my quest to be the best person I can be, I am learning everything possible! I am constantly struggling with a feeling that something is missing. What that something is, I'm not completely sure. I am still working and trying to find that piece. After explaining all this to my hubby, he has been making every attempt to help me find it. Even though there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, I am in a really good relationship. Sometimes, I forget this when we don't make time to have real conversations though.

August 21st -
What a crazy time it's been since the last update. We have made some huge strides in my kitchen remodel project. We managed to rip out half the kitchen cabinets, opened up a wall between the laundry room and the kitchen, knocked out a half wall, installed a new front door and screen door and have now started building my new pantry. It's been fantastic working side by side with my hubby. Although we don't always agree, we work well together. We still have quite a bit to do on the kitchen, but I am seeing the changes and they are visible changes. Each change is getting us one step closer to having a kitchen that works for what I need. A dark, closed off kitchen does not work when you spend the majority of your time in it.

As I continue to grow emotionally and spiritually, I am finding that my family is needing this as well. While we are all spiritual individually, we have never made the effort to bring it into our outer beings. As so many, our son got us watching the show Duck Dynasty. After several episodes of the show, it was our son that asked if we could start praying before meals. While I usually say something in prayer several times a day, it never occurred to me that he would want to do this. While we do not attend services at a church, we do believe in a higher power. We do believe that there is something much greater than us. Watching that show has shown him so much that I have been trying to help him understand. I guess it is so much like every parent, you can tell them and even try to show them the important things in life, but the switch is finally flipped when they hear/see it from someone else. I am happy that he has found a show that doesn't glorify teen pregnancy, disrespect and ignorance. Instead, he has found a show that centers on faith, family and hard work. The three principles that his Dad and I believe, and live daily. While some may find the show more backwoods/redneck, we find it fun, and a good source of family entertainment.

I am trying to find time each day to manage and realign my own spirit and emotions. I wonder how many other Moms deal with what I have been. Facing pieces of my past that still haunt me, dealing with extended family issues, and trying to find a balance between being a Wife and Mom is quite a bit mind boggling at times. Throw in the different roles you play in each scenario seems to become overwhelming at times. Lately, it seems to be more so for me. So many circumstances that can't be understood, or you can't say anything about so that it doesn't cause a massive backlash, finding time to be not only a good wife and mom but also find time to work on being a better me. Some days it gets the better of me and I find myself upsetting anyone that I come in contact with. While I don't ever intend to be rude, disrespectful or ignorant, some times that is the only way I can get a point across. I love to share our lives with extended family, but I refuse to suppress our values and way of life for anyone. We have worked very hard to get where we are, to accomplish what we have, and continue to bust our butts to make a better life, not only for us but also for our kids. We live in a way that is an example to our kids, instead of a "do as I say, not as do," life. I do not believe it's right to expect my children to conform to the way everyone else is, if that is not what they want. While I do expect respect in my house, we believe respect is earned....not just given. Our family is respectful of those whom respect us. Whether you agree with our principles or not, if you are to be around us, we expect them to be respected. While my hubby and I may not always agree, we have a healthy respect for each other. We are best friends but it hasn't always been that way. We have had our share of interference and our difference drove a huge wedge between us for many years. We trust each other completely. I am not a jealous person so that has curbed a lot of issues, and he is not that way either. I am a firm believer that if you are getting what you need from a relationship, you will not be tempted to stray from it.

As I start my day today, I thank the great spirit for the health and safety of our family, the many blessings that have been given to us, and the safe travels of my husband to and from work, the safe travels of our son and his great grandma to the local festival, and ask for continued blessings of safety, health and spiritual enlightenment.

August 27th -

What a crazy, intense and productive time we've had around our little homestead. While we are trying to do everything possible to make our lives less dependent on modern technology, it's proving to be more of a battle of what works, what doesn't and what is financially able to work for us right now. We have taught our oldest how build and cook on an open fire, we are teaching our kids how to live without all the chaos involved in modern life. We are finding that our kids are like so many others. They depend on television, internet, and cell phones. I personally enjoy the internet, but don't have to have it. The cell phone I currently have will be gone in the near future as well. I rarely travel anywhere, and when I do...it's typically with my hubby or son and they have phones of their own. We haven't had a land line phone for several years, but we will have one again soon! I do not like the inconsistency that cell phone service has become.

As I am constantly reminded, we live life in an antiquity style. We have been referred to as everything from Amish, Mennonite, hippy, and weird! While some days this is aggravating, most of the time, it is a direct reminder to me that we are doing something right. I have yet to understand why doing what everyone else is doing, and watching them mount up their debt and sink financially makes sense. Not to mention the insanity of trying to one up what their neighbors or friends are doing. We don't compete with anyone. We do what we are comfortable doing, and work very hard to not be so financially strapped that we can't enjoy life on one income. While we do get financially strapped on occasion from the wonderful surprises of farm life, we work hard to make sure we are constantly striving for financial independence. While I have heard people say it's impossible or even unlikely, we are getting there. We do not have new equipment, new vehicles, the newest technology, the latest clothing styles or anything, really, that is high dollar...we are comfortable and able to pay off debts fairly quickly. We will have the majority of our debts paid in full in less than 5 years, this includes our home.

We have already started planning for building our new home. Of course this won't be some magnificent home with 9 bedrooms and 15 bathrooms, 2 great rooms, a formal anything, or even of grand size. It will be a home of purpose, use and comfort. One that is small enough for our family to continue being a family, and large enough to function for our needs. It will be one with enough room our kids can stay with us for as long as they choose, a place they can always call home. A place that will eventually be the home of their grandparents. Where our kids, and their kids can come to and feel like it's home. Since our oldest will become a teenager in just a few weeks, it has both of us considering life a little differently. The years have flown by with our kids. We are trying to instill values, morals and character into our children. Trying to help them to understand what is really important, instead of idolizing the constant idiocy of celebrities and sports stars. We are trying to help them to understand that our Great Creator is the true founder of our Earth and that while many worship, many are hypocrites and will judge others all in the name of religion. Teaching them that finding true friends is not only a challenge, but can be unnerving when friends were thought to be true turn out to be not so much. Teaching them food is grown and raised, not just an abundant supply from a store, and that chemicals have no place in real food. Teaching them the traditional medicinal ways of people hundreds and thousands of years ago as opposed to just running to a doctor for a pill that has more side effects than cures. Teaching them that modern medicine has a place, but not for everyday use. We are constantly explaining the political scene to our oldest who has developed opinions of his own. We have reached the age with our oldest, that has a lot more explanations of relationships beyond family and friends. While I will not side with either the evolution/creationism side of mankind, we have explored both and I will leave judgment to my children. I personally believe both fit into history of our world. We teach our children to look at both sides of a story, whether it be family oriented or in our studies. I personally try to let my children draw their own conclusions on events both big and small. Children are such honest and outside-the-box thinking individuals. There is no reason to tell them what to think, I want them to be able to know HOW to think for themselves.

We are constantly striving to better ourselves, our family, our marriage, our farm and our lives in general; we have begun some home improvement. We decided to work on one room at a time, remodel it and get it finished before jumping into a new room. The first room has been our kitchen. It was a dark, closed in, and non-functional room. I joke that it must have been designed by a man that new used a kitchen, but I can't say that about my husband. He is in our kitchen almost as much as I am. So, anyway, we began tearing pieces of it apart in April. Most just stuff that was already falling apart. It kind of jumped into over drive the beginning of this month. We cut out a cabinet, removed a chunk of counter top, removed 7 over head cabinets, cut a new doorway into a solid wall, built a new pantry in an old hallway, and we are about to begin the major overhaul. The coming weeks are going to be exceptionally busy with the remaining remodel work to finish, the garden producing exceptional yields, and our oldest turning 13 and his party. The remaining remodel work will include installing drywall in the kitchen(taking out the paneling.), opening a section of another wall to open the kitchen to the dining room, building and installing new cabinets and shelves, new trim work, new sink and faucet, moving the range to a new wall, and painting the kitchen. There is a lot to do, but once we get started I believe it will go fairly quick(at least that's what I am hoping for!).

While all this remodeling is happening, I still have an enormous amount of canning to do. My tomatoes are turning in record time, and trying to keep up with that has had my husband and I up until at least midnight many nights to get them processed before they go bad...and eating lots too! I've made pickles, canned carrot, green beans, horticulture beans, kidney beans, cabbage, green peppers, jalapenos and chili beans. I still have spaghetti sauce, tomato juice, and stewed tomatoes, and pickle relish to make. I am seriously exhausted but this Winter I know I will appreciate it. We have pigs coming ready to butcher, a cow getting ready to calve, a calf to raise for butcher, chickens that have finally started laying again and some to butcher and still not done building fence.

Then we have a 13th birthday party to plan and get through. While most of the planning is done, there seems to always be last minute chaos! We are looking forward to having family and friends to celebrate with. I can't really believe that it's been 13 years since I had that precious little boy! He is becoming a wonderful young man, a young person with a conscience, morals, and values. While we still have a few years to continue teaching him, I know he is on a good path. It's still hard to picture him being 13, but I know I have to let him grow....I just don't have to like it! ;)

I will be ending this chapter of my blog today since life is going to be crazy the next few weeks. I am trying to stay positive, and continue growing and finding myself. I have a great support system in my little family and I know the self discovery will happen, I just don't have the patience to wait. I will learn though!

Wishing you all a great rest of August and I'm looking forward to another chapter in my book of life. I know the season change will definitely help my spirits!

~Sal~