Reset

RESET
verb \(ˌ)rē-ˈset\

: to move (something) back to an original place or position

: to put (a broken bone) back in the correct position for healing

: to put (a gem) into a new piece of jewelry

There comes a point when you have to take some time to press that "reset" button on your life. A time when you need to re-evaluate the path you are currently on and see if it's the best path for you now. If you are on a path and run into some brick walls that are unmovable, you may need to find a way around them or choose a different path. If you are on a path that is working and you are accomplishing what you want to...you are probably on the right path.

In my life right now, I am thinking it's definitely time to hit the reset button. Since November 2013, I have felt disengaged from everything I have done for years. I have felt lost, restless, and beyond stressed. While I have learned recently that menopause is now apart of my everyday life for the next few years, I refuse to believe that everything I have been feeling is completely related to that. I am still trying to get to the bottom of all the emotional stuff I have experienced, but I really believe part of the overwhelming emotions I have dealt with are from feeling like I am being taken advantage of.

So, as I write in my journal and pinpoint the emotions, I am learning more about myself. Maybe this is what the Universe has put in front of me so I can learn more about me as I get older. In my life, I have had to reinvent myself more times than I care to count. Through different phases of my life, I have had to make changes to fit in the life I was living. Whether the life styles were my choice or not, I had to make each one work for me. Now, is no different.

15 years ago, I made the choice to marry a man who grew up and lived his life a whole lot different than I did. He grew up with farming, livestock, and living in the middle of nowhere. I grew up outside of town in neighborhoods. I had a Dad that grew up on a farm, and taught me about gardening...but I didn't do much with any of the farm stuff. I spent most of my time in town or in the nearby cities. My plans included living in a city, on my own, with my own career and life. When I made the choice to venture away from family, finish college, and have a life that was truly my own, I never imagined it would become a permanent change. Not to mention, the changes that would leave me feeling so inadequate. I never imagined that there would times I would feel so lonely. I never imagined being so far removed from life outside our home, that being in public would give me so much anxiety. I never imagined being terrified of driving, yet longing to go on vacations/trips away from here.

While I take great pride in being a low-maintenance person, I do miss some of the frilly things I once had. I miss a career of my own, I miss being independent and self-providing what I wanted, I miss have nice clothes that don't consist of jeans, I miss having a pair of shoes for every occasion, I miss attending ballets/musicals, I miss spontaneous trips, I miss packing a lunch in my backpack and hiking all day, I miss Winters in the city-ice skating, the German village, and the Christmas lights. I miss feeling like I am able to take on the world, and knowing that I could accomplish what I set out to.

I felt so much in control of my life, years ago. Even facing changes was just another quest to conquer. I lived for adventure, thrills, and new experiences. There wasn't too much that frightened me, let alone would cause me to falter on my goals. I knew what I wanted from life, and I was going after it, and no one was going to stand in my way. I wasn't afraid of confrontation, I wasn't afraid of voicing my opinions, and I didn't care what anyone thought or said of me.

Now, Every bit of that seems foreign. I have zero control of my life, I am terrified of changes, I can't seem to accomplish any of my goals, I have no idea where my life is going, I hate confrontation now, I don't voice my opinions so I can keep the peace, and although I still don't care what others think of me, I do spend more time concerned with keeping the rumor mill/gossip at a minimum where I am concerned. I don't have friends that are super close anymore, since I have pretty much withdrawn from everyone. It's hard to talk to friends that live so far away, and don't understand the life I live. I don't live an exciting life by most standards so quite often it's easier for them to forget about me unless I am back near my home town. I miss spending time with most of them, but it's hard to do living this far away. I would love to go for a weekend with a bunch of friends, just to spend time visiting, but I seem to always get a guilt trip for doing anything that doesn't involve family. Whether it's intentional or not, it still happens.

I hope to be able to press the reset button on my life, and start to find a new path soon. I need to reinvent myself, yet again, and find a way forward again. This stuff of taking 2 steps forward and 6 backwards, has got to stop. I know that I need to find my inner peace again and find a place that I feel balanced again. While I have no idea how, I know that I need to. I need to find my feet, and begin taking more steps forward than backward.

It's time to reset, re-balance, and find my feet. I hope to share my journey with you all, and maybe my own journey will help someone else with their personal journey.

Until next time...
Salli

Mid-life crisis? Not exactly!

Well, a few things have become apparent to me. I'm stressed beyond my coping ability, my transition from child-bearing years to maturity is in full swing, and I have no idea how to handle any of it! It's like being on a roller coaster, that won't stop! The up and down waves, racing as fast as possible and it just won't stop!

I keep seeing the little e-card thing that came through on my news feed on Facebook. The one that that said something about how a woman's mind thinks. It said a woman's mind is like have 24,??? tabs open on your computer all at the same time. While I just laughed this off when I read it, lately that couldn't be more accurate! So, once again I am turning to writing/journaling to not only release some stress but also to try to help myself understand and move back to some common ground that I can comprehend.

I know every woman has transitions they go through in life. Each of them has their own signs/symptoms. My personal transition has become the one from child-bearing years to maturity. I was young, 26 to be exact, when I had a run-in with cervical cancer. The doctors at the time said this would lead to early perimenopause. Of course, it did. Here I am, just a handful of months before my 40th birthday, and hormone levels now say I have reached menopause. What does this mean? Well, let me tell you. All the crazy feelings I have had since October - depressed, restless, feeling like I am stretched beyond my limits, crying at the drop of a hat, and that doesn't even begin to account for the changes to my physical body...it all makes more sense now. The horrible night sweats, moods changing like flipping a switch, my almost carnal urge for organization and even the weight I have gained; it is all my own way of handling and trying to deal with the hormone changes my body is going through. Those 24,000 tabs open on a computer don't have anything on me!

I have spent several months trying to anaylize all the emotions, feelings, and thoughts I have dealt with. To me, logic and anaylsis are how I deal with everything. It has to make sense, it has to have facts to back it up and it has to feel right...in my own head, before it can. When I can not make sense of something, it eats at me and becomes a major thorn in my side. I know all women go through this stage eventually, but I also know that some experience the symptoms differently than others. Honestly, it is very dependent on your stress levels, and your diet. I know if I was still being seen by a regular physician, my symptoms at this point would have them pushing for hormone replacement therapy, since what I am currently experiencing is considered severe. However, my holistic doctor has me looking to diet, exercise, and a stress management coping device to stave off/minimize the symptoms - NATURALLY! So, I am on a new adventure. One that I am having to spend some much needed time on myself. Time to readjust so much, and focus on my own health more than normal. While I am still working on the schematics of everything, I know what I need to do, for me. Of course, once again, it will not be the common way of dealing with things. I just don't believe in most of it, but what has worked in the past. For all women that have or are currently going through this transition period, You are not crazy! You aren't losing your edge, you are making a life changing transition. With some guidance, friendship, and attention on your own part; you will make it through all this a better and stronger woman!

As for the stage I am in currently, Overload, seems to fit perfectly! My mind has those 24,000 tabs open, the house phone stuck in one ear, the cell phone stuck in the other ear, 3 people placing constant demands on me, knowing that I am responsible for caring for those 3 people plus myself, not to mention the throngs of animals we have, you throw in some extended family, friends that you only hear from when they want something, a business, college, my children's education, finances, and remodeling...you have a woman who is not only on the brink of tears every day, what one that just wants to shut down and shut everyone out. Knowing that I can't do that, just adds to my stress. Trying to make sense of everything going on, the remarks that normally I would ignore that now snowball into fits of rage, seeing my temperament control rapidly slipping, my patience getting even shorter, my unfounded fears becoming more, and my overall self-control has flown out the window!

I would love to say that I am strong enough to get everything back under control, and at some point I may, but right now...not so much! Right now, I feel out of control, lost, restless, irritated, taken for granted, moody, fearful, annoyed, and overall just horrible! I am told this will all lessen when I get the advised changes made and that my hormones will level back out. I am certainly ready to get there! I am just going to have to be very conscientious of my spoken words, thoughts and actions until I can level everything out.

All this news has given me some hope that I may eventually feel normal again. I know some of my readers are experiencing some of these same things. I hope my journey, and sharing my own experiences will help others to understand and recognize their own symptoms. As I make my transition, I hope to share what I am doing to curb these crazy hormones and improve my own emotional state.

Until next time...
Salli

Cross Roads

"Once you've reached a cross road in your life, then you must choose the road that will get you in the direction you need to. However, this does not mean there will not be another cross road. It just is a means of going in the direction you need to reach your ultimate goal."

Cross roads. The place in life when you may falter, but you have a goal to achieve. You have the ultimate goal in mind, and a cross road is the means to get there. The cross roads are bound to cause some level of anxiety; not knowing what you will encounter while on them. Most of the time, the roads to your ultimate goal are not smooth or a direct path. They will have twists, turns, bumps and you may even have to turn around and start all over from the beginning. It does not mean you just give up and quit. It means you evaluate the path you have chosen, you take a deep breath and you begin again. You will eventually find the path that works for you.

No matter how many different paths you try, never give up! Each of us has a path that will work, it's just a matter of finding it. Life was never promised to be easy, but it is promised to be worth it. Set your goals, and take every path necessary to achieve those goals.

This was the basic teaching of one of my favorite high school teachers. He taught these lessons, among many others, and because of his ability to be an outstanding teacher...it's one I have never forgotten. Though there have been many times I have brushed this knowledge aside, I have not forgotten it. Once again, in my life, this knowledge is popping up to help me through another cross road in my life.

I am looking at the calender and it's reminding me that in just 6 short months, I will be turning 40! 40 years I have been on this planet, and I am still trying to reach my ultimate goal. While most that know me, know that I am extremely goal driven, almost to fault! They know I am head-strong, determined, hard-headed and driven. Anyone that knows me well, will tell you that chaos and a lack of organization drives me up a wall. They can also tell you that the person I am know is no where near, who I once was.

Through many different cross roads, I have made some extreme turns, some that have been hardly noticeable, and some that have made no sense to others. While I make decisions based on my knowledge and needs, some of them have not been good choices. I know that all of the choices/directions, have lead me to where I am. Some of these directions, I am still trying to regain my foot work from. They were not the direction I intended to go, and do not want to go back to. Some however, helped me to see the "the writing on the wall," that I had missed earlier. Some of the turns caused my head to spin and had me running in the opposite direction. Other turns, it broke my heart that they did not work the way I wanted them to.

In this journey through life, nothing is guaranteed. Too many times, we get so busy making a living that we forget to slow down and make time to enjoy our lives. Many times greed and the desire for material items drive our ambition instead of choosing to be happy first. Too many of us, have dreams and goals that we wish for and attempt to achieve, only to have a huge wall of obstacles thrown in front of us. Some are strong enough to overcome the obstacles, while others are not.

When those obstacles are so dense that it's hard to see through, many give up hope and just continue in the mundane activities to get through each day. Others, however, face them head-on and eventually make their way through to clearer roads to their hopes and dreams. No matter what the obstacle may be: Relationships, family, children, friends, careers, and even losing your own identity; All of these can be fixed/repaired or let go. Depending on the different sets of circumstances, the best way of dealing with any obstacle is facing it head-on. I'm saying this and shaking my own head while typing! If it was only that easy!

With any obstacle, it may continue to rear its ugly head over time. If it continues to pop up, it means you have not solved the issue, but instead just tamed it enough to push it aside. This is the worst way of dealing any obstacle. I am horribly guilty of this.

You smooth over what ever nasty issue comes up, just to make some peace and it seemingly goes away. That is until the next time it comes up. There will be a next time, if you do not confront the issues. There will be issues that get swept under a rug, you believe will that issue has been resolved, when all you have done is postponed the inevitable. You have to deal with the issues, no matter how painful, how ugly it may get, and no matter who it involves.

All of this being said, you have to be ready to face the issues, yourself. You have to understand that it takes 2 to make or break every issue. You have to be ready to accept your role in any issue. You also have to be able to forgive yourself. Holding on to the stress of any issue, will just make you ill. You have to be able to accept when you are wrong, and be able to apologize. In turn, you have to be strong enough to accept an apology, be able to accept that everyone has faults, and accept that whatever challenge has been laid at your feet, is there for you to learn something. Do not negate that the issues at hand are there as a means for you to learn. You may need to learn patience, trusting, love, acceptance of others and yourself, and accepting that sometimes, things in your current path just can not be solved and you must turn around and start over.

It's these cross roads in my life, that I am finding the hardest to deal with. My own happiness, internal peace, love, patience, and acceptance has become the current obstacles. Attempting to achieve my own goals and dreams, have collided with the hopes/dreams/goals of those in my family, and they don't meet each other. They may not be too far apart, however, the roads to achieve each of them goes in different directions. When you reach this point in any obstacle or cross road, it's best to take a step back and evaluate the best course of action. I tend to shut myself off from the outside world when I reach an impass at a cross road, and right now is really no different...except this time, the stakes are high, the goal is huge, and the outcome has to change the constant repeat I have been on.

After 15 years of marriage, you will undoubtedly find yourself in a rut of some sort. After years of one life style, you will find areas that need improvement, and after years of issues that also seem to be in repeat mode...you know the time has come to put a permanent end to them. How? I have NO idea! The choice has to reflect in each individual situation. Asking for help or advice does not show weakness, nor does it mean you will follow the advice/help that is given. It means you are looking to alternate information, from an outside source to help you find your way.

You have to be willing to be completely honest with yourself on every subject at hand. It may mean that you have to accept you are not who you thought you were. It may also mean that some of those involved with your life, may not be the best for the direction you wish to go, also. You don't want to make drastic changes immediately, but you need to build/work up to that. It may not be drastic changes you're needing, but just minor changes to help you achieve your goal.

While I am currently at a huge cross road in my life, I am depending on the conversations I am having with those who are involved or have the time/ability to help me see different aspects and views. I have asked for opinions/advice. I am talking to most of those involved. I am pushing myself for complete honesty, to myself. I am working through some issues that have long held a portion of the stress I am facing.

While I wish I had a few of the friends to talk with that I could always count on for their candidness, sometimes those are the paths that for whatever reason, weren't meant to be right now in my life. As I face my current cross roads of obstacles, I will deal with the struggle that it's presenting, but I know in the end, I will come out stronger that before. I also know that there is a lesson to be learned from this major distraction. I just need to find what it is.

May you each find your own cross road, and may the obstacles be nothing more than a few speed bumps!
Salli

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day to all the Dad's out there!

There are so many things that make a Dad special. However, the way you become a Dad isn't of importance. The Dad's, adoptive Dads, step-Dads, Dads to adopted children, the Dads to the 4-legged children, Granddads, godfathers and even the Mom's who have to play the roles of Mom & Dad...each of you hold a special place in the life of the children you have.

As each of us grow older, we learn to appreciate the Dads in our lives. We remember the bonds that we make with our Dads, and the special place our Dads hold in our hearts. On this day, that we celebrate the Dad's in our lives, I wish all the Dad's the best day ever!

Dad's hold such a high honor, especially in the hearts of their little girls(even their grown-up little girls!). May you each be honored today with the love that we feel each day throughout the year.

Happy Father's Day!
Salli