Being honest with myself.

Are you kidding me?! There is a whole world of exploration, a world full of knowledge and experiences and adventures. I did my adventuring and my explorations before and when I landed in Northern Missouri more that 15 years ago. So why is it that now, at this stage in my life, am I craving SOME adventure, SOME exploration, and knowledge that seems to be flitting right past me? The difference now, is that I want to show my kids that there is so much more in the life than just working your fingers to the bone, being in debt to your eyes, and always stressing over something.

For the past year, I have been going through a major emotional/mental/physical and personal change. I have held back so many emotions, so many thoughts, so much of who I am...that until the past year, had shut me off from everything and almost everyone. As I have tried to understand all the changes, tried to work through them; I am finding that to some degree, I won't be able to until I deal with all the crap I have buried, and all the crap I have placed on hold. I have had too many years of trying to be everything, to everyone, all the time. All while neglecting myself, my needs, my wants and my desires. So, the more I am understanding and accepting this "funk" in my life, the more I am learning not only about myself and what I need, the more I am learning that I am who I am. I would love to say I am carefree, a fly-by-the-seat-of-pants person, but I'm not. I would love to be so artsy that I could wear those adorable BoHo fashions and not look like a freak. I would love to be able to throw my hands in the air with a "rock-n-roll" sign, and have it feel and be natural...but I'd just look like a dork!

I am a hopeless romantic. Sadly, enough. I prefer simplicity over everything else. Material stuff is nice, but it's not without it's own complications. I am a free-spirited, free-thinking, gypsy-ish, nature girl. Going into any town or city, sends me into instant panic mode, anymore. I love to talk to people, but I don't want to be around thousands. I love knowing I can handle just about anything...as long as I can do it from home, or be outdoors doing so. I have found a bit of my own niche just being outdoors. While I had enormous plans, years ago, about a couple of different careers and paths that I thought I wanted to go down. Fate, led me in a different direction. In my mind and my heart, the universe is pulling me away from everything I thought I wanted.

The last few blogs, I have focused on my family, and trying to voice the crazy whirlwind of thoughts I have had. This blog however, is about me. It's about being completely honest with myself, for the first time in more years than I can count. It's about owning up to what I know will be, a shock to some and a "finally" to others. It's time to face the music, and be true to myself, and my heart. So I can quiet my mind. It's about getting out of this funk, dealing with what I must, saying what I can no longer hold back, and accepting myself in all the forms that make me who I am.

Wow, rereading the last 2 paragraphs is a little overwhelming. It's funny to think that I grew up in towns, around a lot of people, spent a lot of time in cities, loved career thoughts in architecture and marine biology, had plans to travel the world, and spent the most of my life never being satisfied with mediocre. I bounced jobs, always looking for something more fulfilling, and hated when someone else told me what my time was worth. I hated being confined to anything. I loved knowing that no matter what I did, it was always temporary. Then I moved to Missouri. This was just supposed to be another of those temporary changes in my life. Fate stepped in, and that changed over the course of a year. Every time I have gotten restless for change, fate stepped in again. Now, 15 1/2 years into my marriage, the restlessness has returned with a vengeance! Yep, I'm restless. I'm feeling rather caged, tethered, and rather trapped. I am attempting to fight the urge to just run wild for awhile. I am not talking about abandoning my family, our home or anything like that. I'm talking about making major changes in how I have to handle this cagey feeling.

One of my last blogs, I realized that absolutely everything I needed, was right here. It was a realization that felt like a kick in the head. I can get almost everything I need, right here on our little farm. I can get almost everything I need to be happy without ever stepping foot off our little 25 acres of dirt in the middle of the most beautiful piece of countryside. The few things I want, that I can not get here, will take time and patience, since they will require major amounts of planning and saving. They will also require me to face my fear of driving, my fear of what will be said about me(behind my back), and my fear of change. There are travel plans that I want and need to make. Areas of our beautiful country that I want to go, spending more time with my extended family, and more time doing what I really want to do, instead of only doing what I have to do. I get so tired of so much technology all the time. I love my blogs, and keeping in touch with family and friends, but I hate the time it takes away from what's important. In my house, there is always something...either cell phones going off, a computer or two running, a television or 3 running, the radio going, or the house phone ringing. It's complete insanity. You have all the technology, all our remodeling projects, all our animal chores, keeping up with finances, laundry, meals, dishes, school work, jobs, all while trying to remember to keep in touch with extended family, friends, school events, home school events, dance classes, animal husbandry, feed order dates, birthdays, anniversaries, and other gatherings. I do all of this. It's become my responsibility to keep up with almost every single thing on this list. Those that I talk to that wonder why I only sleep 3-4 hours a night...this is why. Whether I am trying to finish my to-do lists, find time to read a little to destress, juggling the finances, or just to try to make more lists so I do not forget everything that has to get done...this is why. The ONLY time I get completely alone is late at night, or whenever my kids go to grandma's during the day. I am always changing the hat I wear, as to who I am supposed to be. Whether it's the hat that says "I'm Mom," or the one that says, "I'm Wife," or it says employee, student, daughter, sister, friend, or whatever....there doesn't seem to be enough hours in a days to take off the hats and just BE! Even while I sit here and type this blog, I am going through a half a dozen lists of what I "should" be doing instead of writing. I "should" be cleaning, doing dishes, doing laundry, doing my school work, juggling the budget to find money for Christmas, making the grocery list, cleaning out one of the rooms that will be getting remodeled before Christmas, or figuring out what to fix for supper. In all honesty, even more so than writing, I would love to take off on the 4-wheeler to our timber and take pictures, take off in my truck and find amazing countryside photos to take, going out and jumping on a horse and just riding until everything makes sense, or just sitting and reading an entire book while drinking a pot of coffee. I would love to jump in my truck and drive a couple hours awhile to have supper with one of my best friends while she is so close for work training. I would love to have it warm enough that I could go out in my garden, and just dig in the dirt, put my bare feet in that dirt and talk out loud like I'm talking to someone...when I'm just actually talking to the universe. I would love to be able to gather my family in my truck, and head to New England. Just to see the amazing Fall foliage, and show my kids the ocean and treat them to fresh seafood. I would love to load up the truck and head to Wyoming or Montana for a few days and explore the beauty out there again with them. I'd love to just pack a cooler, some blankets, and take off with absolutely no destination in mind. Stop in a town when it's time to fill the truck, and see what's there, and then do it again. Finding hotels, motels, cottages, or bed & breakfasts as we landed...no plans, no destination, no time frames, no hurries. Just leisurely trips, no rushing because we need to be somewhere, no plans ahead of time, and no danged phones ringing constantly.

I want to take off to flea markets and find junk that I can repurpose. I want to set up a roadside stand in my yard during the Summer for fresh vegetables. I want to build my photography into an art that goes somewhere besides just Facebook. I want to build furniture that stands the test of time, and that people will love enough to purchase. I want to teach my kids that while work is necessary, it's not the only thing. That by limiting your material needs and wants, you won't have to work as hard or as long as their Dad and I have. I want to show my kids the beauty of our country, but do it without all the city stuff. I want them to see beauty in even the most rural areas. I want to be the kind of Mom that leads by example. I grew up in a generation that was taught, "do as I say, not as I do." That's just how it was. I refuse to do that. I refuse to tell my kids to do one thing, while I do something completely different. I want to be that kind of Mom, that when the kids get older and look back, they can say how great their mom was, loving, caring, supportive, creative, passionate, and HAPPY. I don't think, at this point, they could say MOST of those things. I love my kids with every ounce of my being, but as most adults know, love does not solve everything. Sometimes, life just gets in the way. So many of us have seen that relationships don't last forever, women have grown so independent that the need for men to be chivalrous, and compassionate aren't even in the cards anymore. Even though so many women complain about this, why on earth would men feel the need to be chivalrous if they are constantly thrown by the wayside because "we are women, we don't need them." That is crap. Men need to step up, even if it's out of their comfort zone. I don't know about all women, and as much as women are generalized...we are not all the same. Most of the women I know, love, love. They love being dated, even if they are married. They love being the center of the man's life they are with. They need support, comforting on occasion, they want to have their doors opened for them, their chairs pulled out for them, flowers for absolutely no reason, holding their hands in public, kisses on the cheek or temple, they want to feel special. Yes, I know responsibilities tend to push us away from dating our spouses, but it shouldn't. That's why the divorce rates are so high. When people marry, they forget the excitement and anticipation of being with that person. We get into the "couple rut," where we have responsibilities, bills, jobs, and too much stress. We forget that we all need to feel special, women and men alike. We lose focus on our spouses as kids come along, jobs become more demanding, the materialistic items take over and BAM! The relationships are no longer a priority. We all fall into the comfortable grove of being an old married couple. You forget the thrills that drove your attention to your spouse to begin with. You forget to voice your needs, your love, and you become lost in that mundane everyday routine. Enough Psychology. Back to me... :-)

I want to finish writing my cookbook, that I have been working on for 2 years. I want to get back to nature, natural health, gardening, I want to find my way back out of that couple rut, I want to be excited for each and every day. I want to be able to live my life to the absolute fullest. Even though I have settled down some as I have gotten older, the one thing I have found, is that I am not really the settling down type. I am high strung, I stress, I have to have some sort of organization, I have to have some sort of control over things happening in my life, I have to have some excitement too. I need to feel productive, wanted, needed, and useful. I need to be able to see my value in everything I do. I need to the freedom to explore my interests. I need the security of a supportive family. I have seen divorce, both as a child AND an adult. Neither are pretty. Neither are worth even talking about. Both do irreparable damage, even in the worst of circumstances. When people marry, knowing that divorce is an option, it's hard for even the best people to try their best. As married people spend more and more years together, they get comfortable with each other which is fine. However, they get too comfortable. They tend to forget why they got together to begin with. That is sad to me. The few long term relationships I have had, still mean something to me. There's obviously reasons they didn't last, but the reasons I had those relationships is still in my mind. Each one of them were special, and could have lasted...IF they had been meant to be. While the relationships that I am thinking of had their own uniqueness, each one carried a degree of similarity. They were exactly what I had wanted at the time. It's strange to think back on now, but none of them were really that different. Once the relationship was established, we got comfortable or there was an underlying issue that wouldn't come to a surface for me until I got older. The first long term was a first love thing. We basically grew up together, our parents were all friends for awhile, it seemed natural even though we were young. The next was great in the beginning until issues beyond our control were thrown at us. We were fairly young, not mature enough to deal with those issues together, and it was too easy to just walk away. The one after that was, well what do I say here. It was great for the most part, but there were issues there that I didn't know about until sometime later. Then there was one that even though it wasn't really long term in my eyes, it was a good relationship despite the alcohol. Then my husband came along. 16 years of being together, has definitely had it's ups and downs. He has put up with a lot out of me. I know I am a handful, at best. Being very stubborn and strong-willed tends to get kind of messy sometimes. Until a year ago, I knew where I was going, what I was doing, and why I was doing any of it. Now, I'm kind of floundering as my needs, wants and desires have changed and become so strong.

I know I keep hearing that I am going through this emotional uproar because of my age or hormonal changes, but to be honest, many of these things have really bothered me for years. It's just really come to a head the last year or so. I get restless when I spend too much time doing what is expected of me. I always have. I have tried to be the super mom, super wife, the responsible sibling, the good daughter/daughter-in-law, the good friend, or even just being a friend. And you know, in all I try to be, I do it FOR everyone else. No where in all the equations in the last several years has anything been about me. Growing up, I had to be responsible so my siblings would have an example to follow, I went from being a kid to being an adult and expected to go back to being a kid. I was a teenager dealing with issues NO teen should ever have to face let alone doing it alone. I found a passion in taking dance classes, and performing arts. I married young, thinking I was old enough to handle any situation thrown at me, and I wasn't strong enough. I dated a guy that I found out later wasn't divorced as he said he was, and I did not want to be in that situation. I uprooted my life, to get away from everyone that knew me. I didn't want to be reminded of everything that had happened in my life. I put up brick walls, so tall, they are still there to this day. I wanted to start over. A fresh start, with people that could get to know me, as I was without the shadows of my life before. I wanted to find the person I was meant to be, without interference from anyone. The person I was, when I first moved to Missouri, while pretty closed off - emotionally, was so different from the one I was in Illinois. I figured that anyone who got close enough to me would learn about my family, and my past, if they cared enough to try. I had no intention on getting married or even really settling down in Missouri. I really came here, looking to find myself, and to prove to myself that I had value. That I didn't have to try to be who anyone else thought I should. Well, fast-forward 16 years, and guess what?! I have done that, I have become what everyone else thought I should be. My love of dancing hasn't waned, but the only place to do that is a bar...a no-no for married people and moms. Performing Arts...HA! Not around here, and I'd probably too afraid to do it now if it was around here. I came to accomplish a goal, and while I did at the time...I also lost the goal. The one person who knew me and knew everything about me, showed up in Missouri and because I was being a friend, got the wrong impression and walked out of my life again. Even though through the years, we have talked occasionally, we don't anymore for whatever reason. One of my best friends passed on and yet another person who knew everything about me, and liked me anyway, was gone. I couldn't even break away from my fears to attend the services for him. Now, it feels like a piece of my life is missing and unsettled. My other best friend up there, I can't seem to ever get enough time to visit. Her schedules and mine never mix. Our kids are busy, our work schedules are crazy, and while our spouses are really a non-issue with us...having them and responsibilities prevent us from getting together much. The handful of people I talk to here, aren't the kind of best friends I have in Illinois. I talk to them, but I'd never share with them some of the things I share with my Illinois friends. One of my closest Illinois friends, that I haven't yet mentioned, is a guy who has been the best for about 20 years now. Although he is married, I know I could call him anytime and we are so honest with each other that anyone listening in, would have their jaw hanging. :) He's a close enough friend that many times, we will be talking and he'll call me on something. He'll call bullshit, and say ok, now what's really the issue. My inner circle of friends, the ones that get to see the real, uninhabited me, are so few these days. I don't trust easily, and once that trust is gone...it's gone.

I'm trying to learn what is changing within me, and trying to do it without completely being a witch. I'm trying to figure out how to handle the myriad of emotions that seem to have bubbled up over the years, and try to find my way back to a person I can be happy with and handle life in a way that not only makes me happy, but helps keep this restlessness at bay. I guess wanting my free spirit lifestyle back, is the goal. Stress does bad things to me, and even though I know this...I have to come to grips with multiple issues to be able to move on. In the meantime, some days the stress gets to me more than others. I guess I will keep my writing so I have an outlet as I continue to grow from whatever lesson I am supposed to learn from all this. I know there's a lesson here somewhere, I know I am supposed to be able to figure this out and grow from it...it's just taking time and patience. Neither of which I am good at giving up.

I am trying to overcome the shear magnitude of emotions I have been dealing with. I am taking this by the horns and dealing with it the best I can. This is just the beginning of dealing with everything. I am going to be better than all this when I am done, and more true to myself.
~S~