Every once in awhile, you have what I call a "light bulb moment." One of those moments when you are just sitting back, and it's like a huge fog lifts and everything becomes clearer. When the very ideas and thoughts that have had you frustrated, flustered or angry; become so crystal clear, and you can see the very answers and path that you have been looking for. It's as if the forest clears out, and there are not longer any obstructions in your line of sight. The answers you have been searching for are suddenly laid at your feet,the thoughts that had concerned you are now providing their own answers, and even when the course or direction you are heading is so far off from where you need to be heading - there isn't any reason for concern because you can see the path you need to be on, it's just a matter of getting there. Even that directional change no longer seems to be this daunting task now, it appears to be an adventure even if a bit bumpy.
Even during some of my darkest days, I never lost hope that eventually I would find my way back to the positive, optimistic person I have been for most of my life. About a week ago, I had one of those amazing "light bulb moments." While some do not believe as I do, I am certain that I had a spirit or two that have been trying to slap me in the head! It was one of those moments, in the middle of searching for stuff on Pinterest, that everything I have been trying to figure out, everything that has worried me, and everything that I have been wanting to do; came into full, clear form. It was like the brightest light bulb ever put off this giant beam, that I finally comprehended. It was such an amazing few moments that I stand there for a few more moments, and was astounded by the freedom I felt.
The struggles I have had for the past year, finally made sense. I finally understood that each struggle, each negative thought/feeling, each failed projected; every one of them was meant to help me understand, learn and find new respect and perspective. Every tiny step forward I made, was because of my own desire to better myself. I got some answers to questions I had, was able to put a time frame on some of my memories that came to me through dreams, I was driven to depend on one person that I knew I could trust. I was given a unique opportunity to see life through a different set of eyes. The change in perspective, the shift in being self-reliant to depending on someone, and a shift in my own balance; gave me a unique opportunity to redefine myself.
Throughout the past year, I have learned to let go...some! As someone whose mind is continuously moving, I decided to start sharing everything with the one person I should have been all along, my husband. I know for some this was one of those times I would have heard, "duh!" or "you don't have to tell them everything, they don't care anyway." This was difficult for me, not because I don't trust my husband, but because I have spent most of my life keep my thoughts (at least most of them) to myself. Whether it was a fear of making someone angry, saying something the wrong way, or just getting all these thoughts out of my head, I just didn't talk about much beyond surface stuff. Sometimes, when you dive into areas that may be uncomfortable to talk about, you can get a few surprises that throw off your equilibrium. Sometimes, the answers you seek, begin to explain some other areas too. As I began really sharing sharing the mass amounts of thoughts with my husband, I believe the comment he made was:" no wonder you are so stressed." I am still trying to adapt to being able to share everything without fear of backlash. I am still working through my control freak issues, but feel I am doing doing better. My husband and I, I feel have become closer over the past year, even though my emotions have been on a roller coaster. He has helped me to see and understand some of the issues that have gotten to me, and some of the answers I have gotten...he has helped me to understand without being critical. He has been hugely supportive through so much the past year. Now, as I move on from this year of realization, I know I have one person I can always depend on, even when he isn't happy about the conversation, he will never be judgmental or deceptive. He's honest with me, sometimes to a fault! :-)
Now, that I can see how far off track I am, I am making a new path in the direction I want to go. I am not good at following the trails, so I am sure to make more of my own. I have no desire to become a follower so, I am going to lead the way with how I need things to go. We are winding down my years in my 30's pretty fast! Just 52 days, and I will enter a new decade. A new era in my life. I am looking forward to my 40's. I am looking forward to making the next 10 years, the best of my life so far! I have spent my 20's moving to a new state, getting married, having my first baby, defeating cancer and learning. I spent my 30's raising a young man, having another baby, working through marriage issues, diving into motherhood, and working on myself. My 40's are sure to be an adventure since my young man will be in his 20's, my baby will be 15, and my marriage will hit 25 years before this decade is over. While I still have a young child, it is time to redefine how I look at my life, my job as a mom, and my role as a wife and fit them in and around allowing myself to be me too.
I have a bumpy path to blaze, but you bet your sweet tush, that I will make it! Coming from a family of strong-willed people, has never given me an option but to fight my way back up, blaze my own path, and come out stronger than when I started! It's time to find that strong-will, find that stubbornness and kick some butt! I am eliminating things from my life that are time suckers, energy suckers, and quite honestly...downers! I don't have time for any of that anymore. I am adding things in my life that make me happy, help me to find peace, and helps me keep a positive balance in my life.
The most important people in my life, my husband and my kids, will be sharing in my journey. These amazing people, are my reason to keep going and keep improving myself. They are my light and the end of a very dark tunnel. It's a month to be thankful, and the blessings in my life are too numerous to count. The 3 blessings that always begin my list of things and people to be thankful for are my family. Now, I will begin moving forward again without all the extra baggage that has weighted me down.
My new goals aren't really new, but revamped instead. I will reach my goals and celebrate each one with the loves of my life!
~S~
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