A lot of transitions are happening in this chaotic mind of mine. I have been feeling a bit trapped within myself for awhile. I am not miserable, nor am I mistreated, but I have been struggling to find my happiness for a long time. I spent years focusing on my kids, and to a lesser degree my marriage. I spent years trying to be the best Mom I could be, by being 100% for them. That doesn't leave much for being the best wife I could be. I have always put my kids above and beyond every other thing or person in my life, including myself. I never understood how a parent could leave their kids with babysitters all the time, when they weren't working. I couldn't understand how parents would go out with friends, over spending time with their children. To some degree I still feel this way, but I am rethinking some of my thoughts too.
We all age, it's just part of life. I have hit the stage in my life that every woman goes through, where my body is transitioning from a reproductive stage to a mature stage. The chaos that ensued that transition has left me feeling lost and unbalanced. I'm not depressed, but I'm needing answers now. Not just answers to some issues, but answers about my life that I don't remember completely. I am troubled with some bits and pieces that I do remember, but can't really place where they fit in. There have been other issues that I do remember, areas that I know weren't the best of times but there were some good times, even my marriage has had ups and downs and through the years we have grown together, some how! There have been areas of my life, that as I have learned more, have really changed my view.
I have always been told that unless you are at 100% you can not give 100%. This couldn't be more true. This transition in my life has made me see things differently. I have neglected myself for so many years, and I know I can not continue to do this. As it is, all these years of putting everyone and everything else above myself, I believe, have partially led to where I am emotionally. I have allowed others to dictate my behavior, and my life. I have not allowed myself the space I need to recharge and renew. I have heard some older women say, well we never had to have "me" time or we never had to have a date night with our husband. Well, for many years this has driven me. Now, however, I have to say: "I am so glad that worked for you, but it's NOT working for me!"
We do not have a traditional life. We home school, so I am with my kids, typically 24 hours a day. Until July, I didn't work outside of home, so I was always at our home. Until last year, I never allowed myself a night out with friends, and the few date nights I took with my husband, weren't very much. I was always a person that would not depend on anyone. I would not ask for help, because many times when I did - years ago, it was hung over my head. I still HATE that! I began closing myself off from everyone but my kids. I kept my walls up, and anytime something was said or done, those walls got higher. I shut down my emotions, and basically learned to be a wall flower. As each day over the past year, has dawned, I am finding that the flood of thoughts, emotions, and overall perspective of my life, is changing.
I have had a good life, overall. Even though there were areas that I would not go back to if I could...overall, my life has been good. Every bad thing, brought me to the strength I would need to grow. It would teach me a lesson of how not to be, how I wanted my life to be different, or led me to the life I have now. Moving to Missouri was a hard choice to make, and once it became a permanent move, it took on a whole new level of difficulty. I know my move down here was a huge step for me, and a huge learning experience too! I left behind all my family, and friends...basically everything I had ever known. Even though, at the time, it was just a way to get a start on my own, finish college, and to experience life without everyone I knew knowing everything I did...I never expected to stay. A year after moving here, I met my husband. Even though we got along really well, I wasn't prepared to hear "I love you," on our first actual date, or that hearing that he wanted to marry me. In all honesty, it sent me running for the hills! I had been married, briefly, before hand and marriage was not on my list of wants! So, after running, I decided there were worse people and areas I could end up. Don't get me wrong, I loved him! We had one of those relationships that just clicked from the beginning. We could talk, for hours, and we enjoyed spending time together. It was my fear, that drove us to have many problems! My own fear of commitment, my fear of getting too close to someone - only to have them walk away, my fear of losing myself. When we found out that we were going to have our 1st child, my fears magnified again. After some scar tissue damage from my teenage years, and a miscarriage; I was terrified to get excited. When he was born, and was a healthy baby, I relaxed some. To me, he was my miracle baby! I was thrilled but dealt with postpartum depression for a few months. A new baby, one that cried a lot, and didn't sleep, all compounded together to make life a little rocky for awhile. We got through it, we dealt with marriage issues as best as we could, and even though the love we have for each other has never changed, sometimes life gets in the way. Over the years, we had ups and downs and many times, I was ready to walk away. The last time I was at that point, I found out we were going to have our 2nd miracle baby. Our oldest was a year old, when I found out I had cervical cancer. I dealt with that, but was told I wouldn't be able to have any more kids. I had one, so I was ok with that. Our youngest, took me by complete surprise. Obviously, both kids are healthy and beautiful little people. I am very blessed!
After everything we have been through, somehow, our relationship has grown. Even though we don't always agree, we have a pretty good relationship now. We still have our disagreements, we still get frustrated with each other, but I know I can talk to him about anything. He has become my best friend and sometimes, even though I try not to, my ranting post. He is doing his best to understand this crazy transition in my life, he has held me a number times as I cry through emotions that I had locked up years ago, he is loving me the way only a husband can. He tries to bring another view point to line of sight, even when I fight it. He is always right there when anything good or bad happens. He doesn't forget to call, he doesn't play the game of only being there if he wants something and he doesn't tell me I can't do something.
It's been kind of eye opening for me to spend some time looking at my life the past year. I have learned a lot, but most importantly, I have learned that things are not always what they seem. Perspective has become a major part of my life. I have spent a year dealing with something...and I still can't put my finger on exactly what it is, but it's something pretty major. Like I said, I am not depressed, I do not have negative thoughts really...more introspective, but there is definitely a huge shift in my own being. What I have been thinking was unhappiness, isn't. It's a transition, or shift in my personal being. It a shift in how I look at life, relationships, and people. Even though this has been one of the most difficult years of my life, it's been a year of realization too. Realizing that people aren't who you thought they were, that memories are just that...they didn't make it to your present for a reason, that life is a roller coaster that you can either enjoy or cringe from, and that some of the most important people in your life are the ones that help you grow...not hinder your growth. People either compliment your life or complicate your life. It's up to us to find those that compliment us! I still have a ways to go, but I am seeing life a little clearer each day.
For years, I have devoted my life to my kids. In July, I decided to take a huge step outside my comfort zone and go back to work part-time. It was difficult the first few weeks. The next few weeks were rather enjoyable, and the last few weeks now, have been hell. Not only are the patrons a lot more redneck than I am used to, the drama within the job gets overwhelming. Most days are like dealing with high school kids! The customers, mostly are fine, but there are a few that have left me feeling more than uncomfortable. I'm told that I can not defend myself against unwanted advances from customers, and to me, this goes against everything I know. When I began bartending at 21 years old, I was taught how to bar tend. I was taught how to stock, and prepare for the next shift. I was also taught that respectable bar owners stood up for their employees. These lessons continued through ever bar I ever worked at, until now. While I love the type of job I have, and I am good at it, I am not sure how to deal with the one I have now. All this aside, I hate that I am missing meals with my family, I am missing many of the activities my kids are doing now and the time I am away from home is hindering every aspect of the life that my family has built. The extra money coming in from that job has been great. It's been a chance to get away from home a few hours every week, but I am really questioning if it's worth it. I am beginning to think it's not, but I'm not sure I really want to give up having some spending cash either. Ugh! Just another area I am evaluating.
I have missed the past year, wallowing in the chaos, that has consumed my brain. I have really missed my gardening, baking and cooking. I have missed getting excited over holidays, and a few date nights. I have missed time with my horses, chickens and my nature walks. I have allowed the chaos of following a schedule, focusing on cleaning, laundry and to-do lists to over run the balance I need to feel whole. I have allowed outside sources to interfere with my balance too.
Now, TODAY, I am beginning again. I am reshaping, refocusing, and rebalancing MY life. I am moving forward to begin enjoying the things I like again, I am moving forward to place equal balance between my husband and my kids, and I am placing myself first to be sure I am recharged and balanced, so I can be the best Mom and wife possible. My wonderful husband made a comment last night that although it about made me cry, it was a huge kick in the ass. His comment: "What I want for Christmas is for you to be happy and be like you used to be." So, my dear,(I know you are going to read this!)That is what I want too and I am getting there with your patience, love and support! I will find my balance again and there may be several more changes, but I am almost there!
We are getting to my most favorite time of the year. Even though Halloween is first, and the most dreaded holiday for me, Thanksgiving and Christmas are soon to follow. We are not having Thanksgiving at our house this year, and although this was sad for me, I know that giving up a little to make a huge step forward, is worth the temporary change. I am planning to have our Christmas Open House, bake again for our neighbors, Have Christmas at our home, Decorate our home to the fullest extent our budget will allow, and I am making a change of plans for my 40th - RIGHT NOW! I want to spend my 40th birthday with my family, and friends...and not go somewhere that I can't have my kids with me while I celebrate! This is a huge milestone in my life, and while I want to celebrate, I want to do it surrounded with my family, our extended families, and my closest friends!
I am finding my way, slowly but surely. With the help of the 3 most important people in my life, I will be able to pass through this transition and be the person I was and want to be! I may be unorthodox, a little wild sometimes, too opinionated and mouthy, but I am tearing down the rest of these walls. These walls have kept everyone at arms length for a lot of years, and they are no longer serving a purpose, and to some degree have caused the flood of emotions I deal with daily. The empathy I have felt for friends, even those negative friends that seem to drag you down every time you talk to them, is still entact but will be limited now. I will be a venting post for close friends, but I will not be used by anyone!
I am finding my foot work, and anything or anyone, that throws off that balance again will hear about. I will be asking for help, and accepting that help...even if grudgingly. For those that ask me for help and don't return the favor....don't bother asking again, because it will be a one time deal. I am not a door mat, that you can be friendly with when you need something, and don't have time for otherwise. The handful of true friends I have, aside from my husband, I will always be there for...just as they are for me. My inner circle is becoming an exclusive club.
Finding Balance has become my goal. Finding balance without taking out the weights that tip the scales is pointless. I am taking out the trash, the dead weight and the air. I am better than the person I have been the past year, and I will be a better person yet with a little more focus. Getting there!
~S~
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