The dating game...

As my husband and I begin the new journey into teenagers, dating and unnecessary drama that goes hand in hand with teenagers and young love...I have reached out to some of my mom friends, those with older teenagers for some insight. I know my own personal wishes for my kids and their choice of girlfriends/boyfriends. I also know that I can guide them, and raise them to the best of my ability; but ultimately, not only is the choice theirs, but the decisions they make with those in their lives are theirs. I just have to hope I have raised them with the innate ability to be respectful, honest, and true to the values we have instilled. I will never tell my kids who they can and can not date, even if I don't personally care for the other person. That is their choice, not mine. I will however, tell them my feelings. It is up to them to make the best choice for them.

As I mentioned, we have began the journey into this strange new world with our oldest. With a girlfriend that is now considered just another member of our family, comes as unique opportunity for our oldest to grow and learn through situations. While they are obviously too young to actually date, the idea that they have been friends since pre-school, text continually, and talk about so much that I'm certain most 14 yr. old kids don't...it makes me proud of the young man I have raised. Fortunately, my son and I talk about everything, and he isn't afraid to tell me anything or show me text messages. He's knows I check his Facebook, and his cell phone, and he doesn't have to hide anything. I have been really lucky with him, but I also know that that may not always be the case. I know that I trust him to use his brain and not to do anything that will come back to bite him. I also know that by pushing him too far, in the opposite direction of where/what he's wanting, will not work to my advantage. All that does is drives them in the exact direction you are trying to veer them from. For me, I will trust my kids to make the right choices, before making a judgement that they have done wrong.

Our family is a little different than most. We are a close family, we hug, we are honest with our emotions even if the initial expression is a little loud. We put our family, the bonds between us and our personal values above everything else. Anyone that becomes involved in our little family will have to understand, and accept this, as well as, be willing to become another thread our family. I grew up in a family that opened their arms to many outside of our familial circle, and that is how our family works. We will welcome in the close friends of our kids, and treat them the same way we treat our kids...unless we are treated with disrespect or our kids are. Then, everything changes, and the welcome mat is no longer there.

As I said, talking to a group of moms this morning, got me thinking. We usually chat about once a week. We share stories, many of us have younger kids too, and we share some of the issues we deal with too. There was an article discussed today that was written by a Dad, and was the rules for dating his daughter. I got a chuckle out of the article. When we began discussing this, so many of the moms has strict rules, strict expectations, and in my mind...they were basically pushing their kids in a direction that I could never do to my kids. However, it got me thinking what I wanted for my kids. So, here are my hopes for both my kids.

Young love is cute, scary, frustrating and special. I have had plenty of conversations with my teenage son about how to treat a lady, what respect is, what honest is (with both her and me), and that it's important for him to find someone that he could relate to. I know from experience that finding someone who has some common interest is important, but I also wanted him to understand that the life he wants to lead, is going to take a special girl to be interested in that life. I also wanted him to understand that there are qualities in girls that he should look for. I know that at this age, kids are a weird species to all of us parents. They have emotional roller coasters, the drama gets to be a bit extreme, the world as we knew it with our "babies," begins a massive transformation of "OMG! who are you and what have you done with my son/daughter." It can become difficult to relate to every change they go through, and even more difficult to handle the constant change in personalities. It's no different in my household. Although, I have been lucky enough to have my son willing to talk to me, willing to share not only thoughts and feelings, but how the emotional roller coaster feels. I'm hoping that I have done something right, in that he still talks to me about everything.

Having a teenager, with a first girlfriend, has been eye opening for me. The young lady he chose as a girlfriend is someone he's known since pre-school. She's such a sweetheart, beautiful, personable, and smart. They talk about everything under the sun. The are cute together. I didn't expect him to take being supportive of her to an extreme, but I know it means a lot to him...so, I am trying to be supportive of him. Although we are having to put in a few more rules, we are working with it. I know there are plenty that do not agree with us, or the way we are handling different situations with our kids, we are all just doing what we feel is right, for our individual circumstances.

I don't have a strict set of rules for the whole dating game. Maybe I should, but honestly, I believe in what we have taught and will teach our kids, and I know they will make the best decisions for them. As I said, my son and I have had a conversation or many for that fact, that have hinged on what I expect and hope for him and for his sister. The first and most important in my eyes is RESPECT! Respect each other, respect yourself, and respect your responsibilities. Be a gentleman/gentlewoman. You do not have to be laying a blanket over a mud puddle, but you better be opening doors, helping her put her coat on, and not interfering in her dreams/goals. I expect both my kids to behave with class. I don't want to see clothes being worn that are not respectful, I don't want the sexting thing to happen, period. I expect them to grow up following their dreams and goals, and anyone they end up with - I want them to not only accept that, but to encourage it....and to follow their own dreams and goals. Since we have begun the dating journey, we have had the sex talk. I have explained the importance of understanding the consequences of what can happen when people have sex, even with protection, and that sex is an that should only be shared between people that truly love each other...and it's not just a game, sex and love go hand in hand. I refuse to let him believe that that is a dirty subject, or that it's a bad thing, but we have discussed the importance of it. While he is currently adamant now about waiting until he's married, I know that this may change as he gets older. I am not blind or oblivious either. I was a teenager too. I do not believe in being dishonest with my kids, nor do I believe in pushing them in the way I want them to go.

I have seen too many kids that intentionally go against their parents wishes, just to prove a point when the parents are pushing too hard. Heck, I was one of those teenagers. I guess, even though my teenage years, were many years ago for me...I remember what I felt, and wanted to say or ask about, but was not comfortable enough to do so. Now, going through this with my oldest, has me juggling my own emotions carefully. While I would love nothing more for my kids to not have a boyfriend/girlfriend focus until they are a few years older, I am also fully aware that times have changed and I am adjusting to what I had hoped to have a few more years before having to deal with. It is what it is and I will not live my life, again, through my kids.

I can only hope, especially after listening to the other moms, that I will continue to be lucky enough to have open conversations with my kids. Hearing about the other moms expectations, and requirements, made me cringe and just shake my head. The high expectations they have for their kids, the high maintenance of some of their kids, the unrealistic thoughts some moms are placing on their kids...baffles me. I know my kids are not perfect, but they are good kids. They are respectful, honest, and not afraid to show their emotions. In our household; we hug, we say I love you, and we share thoughts. Anyone involved with our kids, will have to behave in a similar fashion, since that's how our kids are too.

I am glad that I have a great group of moms to visit with, even if we don't always agree. It makes me breathe a little easier knowing that we all go through the same thing, even if it's just a little different. I know we are unconventional, but I believe we are doing the best we can for our kids, minus a lot of drama. I can only hope that whomever our kids end up with, that they are just as amazing, respectful, classy, sweet and lovable as our kids are.

So, once again, I am off to get on with my day. I was just amazed at our topic of conversation this morning, and how different people's attitudes are when it comes to young people.
Have a beautiful day!
~Sal~