My thoughts needing a voice this morning.

As much as I love my kids, and I am very proud of the people they are becoming, they are not perfect! They can be overwhelming, mouthy, have too much of an attitude, they can be disrespectful when they are trying to stand up for themselves without meaning to, and the list could go on! Even with their uniqueness though, I love who my kids are. They are not your typical kids...then again, I was never a typical child either. I get frustrated with them when they start behaving like me(HA! Yes, my parents curse hit me too!), I get angry that they act out at home and show some ugly sides that fortunately they do not show in public, but I have been sitting back and listening and watching them grow, change, and start questioning not only emotions but actions too.

My kids amaze me. Even when we are hitting heads. While my kids are so different in age, I believe every child has their own individual personality anyway. My oldest is a teenager...I know that says a lot within itself. He is a history buff, very firm in his beliefs, and a very unique young man. He has the typical teenage emotional roller coaster. When things don't go as he would like, he tends to get too overwhelmed, too quick. He is a gentleman, and has good manners, but tends to forget he's only 14. Our youngest, while she is your typical youngest child, she is a spitfire! She loves to perform, is always singing, has a temper that has a very short fuse, and is more than happy to stand up for herself. She's a tough little thing, but is just as sweet as any treat you will find. My kids are truly at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to personalities: reserved/conservative and free spirit. It's funny how my kids remind me of myself at different stages in my life...my daughter is just like I was years ago, while my son is more like I am now.

I am having to adjust to my kids being involved in more activities lately. My schedule is pretty tight and full anyway, and then you throw in extra activities and my schedules are overflowing. It's been about a month now, of throwing in extra activities and I still can not get my daily schedules organized enough to get things done. When I can't get organized in some aspect of my life, it throws me into a tailspin. I know I have said this before, but I can't even begin to tell you how much this frustrates me. I have not had a lot of control over much in my life for many years, and I can tell you, that does not bode well for me. I need control in some aspect of my life for me to feel comfortable.

My schedules and lists are what keep me focused and fulfilling goals. When I can't get my lists/schedules completed, I don't get my goals accomplished. Then I become even more irritable and restless. I have really been evaluating myself a lot lately. I know I am a different person than I was 20 years ago, and different even from the person I was a year ago. I am doing things everyday that I know are bettering myself but there are so many areas that I still need to work on. I am not blind to my faults, nor am I focus solely on them. However, there are areas that have me perplexed as to when they changed. I will get it all figured out, I have no doubt, but it is taking time. I am not one who gives up easily anymore, so I have no doubt that I will bounce back and be a better person than ever once I do.

I know some of my stress is from the uprooted feeling I have felt for several years now. In 2010, we had agreed to purchase a home and a piece of acreage that we would have to wait about a year for. It worked for us, at the time, so we could save a little and pay off a few things. After nearly a year and half, the deal fell through. We had spent that year and a half packing and getting everything ready to move, and told the guy we were renting from that we would be moving in August of 2011. When the original deal fell through, we were at the end of September 2011, and the house we were living in had been re-rented and they were waiting for us to move out. We were in a bad position, and were looking at about 30 days to be out of that house without anywhere to go. Fortunately, we were able to get the place we have now, and take it from a hayfield to having a home in about 30 days. What I didn't plan on, was the chaos that would follow. Trying to get unpacked, organize a home smaller than what we had, no storage area, and still have work/school schedules to keep, and the thrown in livestock to learn from the get-go. I went from living in town, to living in the country, to living on a farm over the course of 12 years. I was lost, ignorant to how farm life worked, and no girlfriends around to vent to. I was further in the country than I had ever been, coming down from the chaos of a 30 day build, coming into the holiday season with boxes sitting every where imaginable, and terrified I would never be able to learn how to handle the life we wanted. While I am not a housekeeper, I prefer a clean house. I can't handle clutter well at all, and that is how we have lived for years. I prefer a utilitarian lifestyle, where everything you have serves a purpose and has a place, that isn't realistic with kids and animals. I have had to learn to deal with clutter, deal with toys everywhere, and the unorganized chaos that is our lives....yep, have somewhat learned to tolerate that too. However, I do not like it. With all the clutter and chaos, it makes my brain feel cluttered and chaotic too. So, when all the extras started getting thrown in, it has sent me into orbit!

We began our remodeling projects in February. Talk about biting off more than we could chew....it's been hell! This year, we started with the master bath. That was a long, drawn out project that went from simple surface remodeling to a major overhaul, and ended up taking almost 4 months instead of the planned 2. We moved on to the master bedroom. That went fairly smooth until it came time for paint. We bought a gallon of paint, that we didn't know had been frozen, but it had and when I got the whole room painted...it started peeling. So, I peeled what I could and re-sanded all the rest. I was told that would solve the problem and then I just had to re-paint the room. So, I did and now, there are 3 spots that have peeled off again. So, I have to attempt to repaint, again, without getting it on the new carpet - before we can finish trimming it out. We decided that we needed to get the new addition on, so we would have room to put furniture, out of the way, before we could move on with other projects. We spent a week putting up the new addition and getting it closed in, only to find that we were coming up on our oldest's birthday, and had to have the house looking at least a little presentable. We managed....barely! We rushed to get the new roof put on after finding 2 leaks, and it still isn't completely finished...but it's super close. We have the new furnace set, the lines run to the house, the electric run to the shed, and the old furnace out. We are down to just 2 remaining windows to put in before we can get to work on the siding. We have to buy another water heater, one actually big enough to allow more than 1 shower to be taken every 4 hours, then we can hook up the furnace. We still have to get wood cut, to run the furnace, but that will happen when the furnace is ready. We are just a month and a half from Thanksgiving, and just about 2 months from Christmas, and we have so much to get finished so our house is not a complete pig stye for the holidays. I am trying to be patient as we work around everything else we have going on, it's getting more difficult as the year comes to an end. I am getting tired of feeling unsettled and having paths through our house. I know we will get everything finished, and when we are finished, I will love it. Right now though, I am trying to not be pushy and bitchy about everything we still need to finish. I am pretty sure I am failing at that, miserably, but fortunately, my husband has been pretty tolerable of me so far.

The few things that bring me peace, have been put on hold for a little while. It's not that I wouldn't love to be doing them, but unfortunately, there is not enough hours in a day to do the things I want to, the things I need to or keep up with my kids schedules, and still keep other projects moving along. I am pretty easy to please. I don't need a bunch a jewelry, or brand new anything. I prefer the antiques, and a simple life. I love my photography, love taking hikes, I love my horses and building furniture. I love working in my gardens, and landscaping. Even though I have severely neglected it for far too long, I love to see my family and friends, in my hometown. I have not taken the time I need to, to allow the time I need to with them. For several years, my trips home have been for weddings, funerals or some other major milestone. Years ago, I would take off for 3-4 days to spend time with family and friends up there. Then, I became like so many others, and used the pathetic excuse of there just isn't enough time. The past few years have shown me what I knew and never really took account of...life is short, and those that we love won't be around forever. While I am fortunate that we live close to my husband's family...I have not only neglected my family, but just assumed(like so many others), that they will always be there. I used the excuses that so many have: I don't have the time, I don't have the money(that we seem to find when it's something like a funeral), I can just send a text or make a phone call, they know I am thinking of them, I can't make the trip because not all of us can go, and the list goes on!

The past few years, have been reshaping my thought process, dramatically! When I look at my parents, I see the people that raised me. I see the people that my kids call Grandma and Grandpa. I see my siblings and even my aunts and uncles, that I grew up with, I see some of my truest and dearest friends that I love like family, I see years wasted that I could have spent a little more time with and even allowed my kids to know and remember, and I see years passing by that I will never get back. My life is here, and my home is here, but a huge chunk of my life; my very roots are not. The people that gave me life, the ones that taught me and watched me grow, the ones that stood by my side through thick and thin; are the ones I have neglected. The friendships, the bonds of family, the roots of my existence are 400 miles away and I can't make more than 1 or 2 times a year, for them? It's not acceptable, it's not respectful and honestly...it's weighed very heavily on me for several years. Yes, finances are tight for everyone and everyone is busy with their own lives, but what good comes of working yourself to death and being so financially strapped that those you love are pushed to a back burner, for when it's convenient or when someone passes or gets married. You know, it hit me hard last month, when we had to make a trip home for another funeral. One set of my aunt and uncle, had never met my husband. How pathetic is that? We have been married for 15 years, and they had never met him until last month. This was one of many moments of clarification during my last trip home.

Sometimes, at least for me, you rush to grow up. You can't wait until you are 18 and get away from home, and leave your family behind. You can't wait to be "grown up," and handling your life your way. Some of us, to be able to actually start a life of our own, pack up and move far enough away from family that no matter what we do, they will never know. We are taught as children that once you are 18, you are expected to move out, go to college, get married, or just get your own life started in general. Why is this? I don't know a single 18 year old that knew what the heck life was about at 18. Let alone how they were expected to start building a life, a career, or find a job; all while trying to go to college, manage a home of their own, and learn the importance of maintaining relationships. Now, in such a technological era, it's even worse. People today, myself included, have difficulty maintaining a conversation in person because everything is handled online, and through cell phones. While I would not want to go back to my younger years, I can't help but be curious what would have been different if I wouldn't have left home at 18, wouldn't have felt rushed to grow up and felt pushed into being an adult. It all just feels really wrong to me. I love my kids, and I want them to stay at home until they feel they are completely ready to handle a life of their own. I want them to be able to ease into adulthood because once they get there, it can be overwhelming and suck....but it can also be the most electrifying experience ever. I want my kids to start out on a more solid foundation than I did.

I can't help but miss my family and friends back home. My parents are the reason I am in this world, my aunts and uncles taught me so much and I remember playing cops and robbers in the yard with my youngest uncle. My siblings have gotten older, and I don't get nearly enough time with any of them. My dearest friends, their lives move on a crazy speeds like mine, but I miss our connections, conversations, multiple pots of coffee, and solving the problems of the world. I miss the time I have spent away from all of them, and knowing that we are all aging and that in the blink of an eye, any one of us could be gone. I have seen, so many times, the phrase "the biggest regrets in life aren't the things we have done, but instead the things we haven't done." I can resonate with this! I do not regret a single thing I have done in my life, however, I do regret that I have not taken more time for my family and friends. I would never waste so much time away when it came to my kids, why on Earth have I done it with those that mean just as much to me?! I know I hear that it's just life. I know I hear and say; I don't have the time, I don't have the money, I can't take the time off work, yada, yada. Why do we all use excuses? We may not have the time, money, or whatever; yet we find the time, money and time off when there's something massive. We get so rooted in our everyday lives, that we forget what's truly important.

I am finding that my own thoughts have drifted to family/friend bonds over the past few years. I know that if I truly needed them, I would be able to call on my family. I know that I have a few friends that I could call on, anytime, and they would be there, even if it was just to vent through the phone. I also know, that some of my dearest friends have had some drama and issues beyond their control in their lives, and I am here for them. While I can't always be near my family and friends, I need to make the time and the money available, to be near them more. I have a good life here, but I miss my family and friends back home, and those ties that bind us....can never be broke. I have plenty of excuses why I shouldn't make another trip up home, but with every ounce of my being, I know I need to. I just told my husband yesterday, that I need a couple of days to myself. I need to iron out some of the chaos that is cluttering my head. I am wondering if those couple of days, maybe I need to make a trip home.

I hate feeling guilty when I do things I need to, for myself. I don't deal with being questioned about every aspect of my thoughts, because they are different from most. I have seen so many women who do things to extremes, yet I am just wanting a little bit of time for myself, a little bit of time for my marriage, and a lot of time with my kids. I began working part-time to allow a little extra money in our budget to cover things we wanted to do/see. That has cut into my time with my kids. That has been an adjustment for both the kids and myself. I am having to depend on my mother-in-law to get my oldest to his girlfriends cheerleading events, and my daughter to her dance classes when I can't make them. I have never dealt with having to depend on anyone well. Many times lately, I feel like I am being pushed out of their lives. It's not by anyone, but now that I am working, it's because I can not be there for them like I have always been. I am watching my kids grow, change, and become interested in areas that they really hadn't been, until recently. While I am not overly thrilled that my son has a girlfriend at 14, she is a beautiful young lady and is exceptionally smart. The two of them are the best of friends and have been basically since pre-school. I will not tell him he can't have a girlfriend, or that he can't go support her activities, but we will tell him that if his responsibilities at home and to his school work are not being met, he will spend a week grounded each time he slacks. My daughter has taken an interest in dancing. So, this obviously thrills me to no end. I would love for her to love dance as much as I did, and still do. That is another thing, I will not push though. I refuse to re-live my life through my kids. The choices they make, will be their choices. The will be choices that they are educated about, and the results/consequences of those choices will reflect on them. Yes, I know my thinking is not the normal way. I know my kids are given more freedom than most, and that our means of educating them about life are not normal. However, we are doing what we feel is right, for our kids.

I know so many have given me static because my world revolves around my kids. I hear, "you shouldn't allow your kids to do one thing or another, or you should put your foot down and make them do this or that." You know, maybe that is ok for some, but it does not work for me. Aside from the fact that I am with my kids 24/7, and I pick my battles. I also believe that kids are a lot smarter than they are given credit for...and I have been proven right, more times than not. Whenever a decision is made that affects our kids, we talk to them. We explain the situation, we explain the possibilities, and we explain what we hope to get accomplished. We make all the final decisions, but we take into account, our kids thoughts as well. In our household, our kids are given respect and a voice. While we may not agree with their thoughts, and ultimately, we are still the parents, they are given the opportunity to speak their minds. While I do enjoy the conversations my husband and I have without little ears, I look forward to hearing my kid's thoughts too.

So, as I venture into my day, I have once again been able to put words to some of the thoughts that run through my over-active brain. As I move forward with my day, I know the thoughts will continue, as they always do, but I know my outlet of writing has given me a few minutes to get a few thoughts out of my head, even if for just a little while!

Salli