It's amazing to me how the start of Autumn, always brings a sense of wonder, contentment, and renewed spirit to me. There is so much beauty, vivid colors, and the hint of the coming season with each new day. Autumn is the season when Mother Earth, begins the preparations for Winter sleep. The days shorten, the nights become more crisp, the changing colors of trees/crops/flowers, and even people begin to see the beauty around them. Everything in nature follows the routine set forth millions of years ago, and it just knows. It just edges closer to it's normal sleep cycle, even through all the changes. It's amazing, to me, how even with the chaos that humans invoke on the Earth, how our Earth is in constant motion.
This morning, as I enjoy my coffee and the crispness of the air, I decided to put words to my thoughts once again. The emotional and mental chaos I have experienced over the past year have left me really withdrawn from emotional drama that I have dealt with for years. It's been easier to not to say anything, as opposed to speaking my mind and causing an uproar. The biggest lesson I have learned by doing this: all I have done, by not speaking my beliefs, is cause resentment, frustration, and emotional baggage that has been unnecessary! So, today's writing is more for my own state of mind, than for anything or anyone else. So, here's my coffee chat for today.
I have spent the past year trying to figure out, and solve some issues that have controlled my personal well-being for far too long, and they caught up to me and got the better of me! Aside from the hormonal balance that I got readjusted fairly quickly with the help of a great friend, I have been reinventing myself, once again. I have said it, and so many others have also, "I need to find myself." That's just not realistic. We are ever changing creatures. What and who we are, changes and varies fairly regularly. So finding ourselves, is the wrong choice of words. We change or reinvent ourselves, as our circumstances or lives change. We are constant works of art, in the grand scheme of things.
The past month, has really opened my eyes to so many different areas, that have consumed my thoughts. I have always be someone who adapts to changes fairly quick...when I am able to. Some changes took a lot of adapting, some were fairly seamless, and some I wasn't able to conform to. I am a more eccentric type of person, and have always looked at life outside the proverbial box. Until the last few years, I was always looking for a more creative expression of anything I did. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I lost that creativity. I lost the desire to follow my own beliefs and values, and chose to follow beliefs and values that did not align with my own. I accepted that I was expected to be someone, other than who I really was. I pushed myself, out of equations, and just followed what was "expected." I have never been a follower. I have always been one to blaze my own paths, even when it went against anything and anyone around me. I spent my time arguing my point of view, doing what I felt was right, even doing things just to prove a point. As anyone who has known me for a long period of time will tell you, I have always been that person that you do not tell me I can't do something. I would do it, just to prove I could and would. I have always been a person that could handle some pretty hefty weight on my shoulders. Even with that weight, I could move seamlessly, through my not-so-typical life without too many road bumps. I was not one of those kids that tried everything, or was ever in major trouble. Yes, I did typical teenage things. I never did drugs, I was never in trouble with the law, and I did fairly well in school.
After high school, I went through plenty of tough times that caused some stress but I always picked myself up. I didn't depend on anyone or anything. I went through a failed marriage and lost a great friend in the process, I met a great guy that treated me like a queen and I gave that up to find my own path. I got my degree in business, and met my husband. There were a few guys I dated between all that, that were great guys, but they didn't fit with the path of life I wanted. I had big dreams and goals for myself. I had my determination and drive, to be a person I could be proud of. Someone that could be so much more than just another name or number on a list. I enjoyed the life I was living when I first moved to Missouri. I was on my own. No one telling what I could or could not do, no one telling me I was not behaving respectably, and no responsibility for the choices that others were making. I was finally able to be me, only be responsible for myself, no one judging me, no one forcing me to be someone I was not. If I made mistakes, I fixed them. I never had needed anyone else for that.
Then, I took on marriage for a second try. I was thrown into a way of life that I didn't have a clue how to handle. I was not only away from my family and friends, but living a life that was so foreign to me, I didn't even know where to begin. I was accused of many different issues, and learned to shoulder that weight. I was given the precious gift, my son, after just a year of a very rocky marriage. After multiple issues, we divorced and I attempted living close to my family again. That failed miserably. I was not prepared for that earthquake! We got remarried, and began the rocky, roller coaster of marriage again. Why? Well, without too many details, I wanted to be sure I would be the one raising my son. Since then, it's been an up and down trek. After 10 years of marriage, we were surprised with our daughter. In August 2008, I had decided that it was time to put an end to the roller coaster ride, and once we got through our son's birthday, I was going to learn my lesson and take the kick back, and walk away from the 9 years I had spent with my husband. So, the surprise of our daughter changed everything. Even though things have been more or less, better over the past 5 years, there are still a lot of unresolved issues that find their way to the surface every little bit. A great friend once told me, "when you find someone who brings out the best in you, you will know it's meant to be." There are days, that I can feel my soul just bubbling with fulfillment, and there are other days it feels lifeless. The dreams, goals, desires and hopes I have carried for years, are bursting to get out. After spending years now, trying to be the best the mom possible, and do all the "right" things, I am restless to just be me. The desire to show my kids that it's ok to be the person they want to be, is being snuffed by what everyone else believes I should have them doing.
My husband has never told me not to do something, but when you become the butt of ridicule for gossip or drama, it tends to push you into isolation. I have learned to keep quiet instead of voicing my opinion to save some drama. I have handed a lot of things over to my husband to deal with. I deal with my family, and the drama that comes from some of that, but my main job is taking care of our kids. I love the life I have learned to live, but having so much time that I feel lifeless, has taken it's toll. I am slowly finding my feet, and my voice again. After having been so withdrawn for so many years, I am forcing myself to get out more. I am forcing myself to drive more and reaching out to people that I haven't made much of an effort for, for many years. I am forcing myself out of this black hole that seems to have encased me. I do not like this person I have spent 5 years being. A person who is moody, resentful, scared to death to speak my mind, afraid to leave my house, afraid to even drive my truck. This is the pathetic person, I have had to become. A life without spark, without creativity, without goals, without a desire to do better, a constant feeling of restlessness that can't seem to be tamed....it's the result of oppression.
I began my own journey in July when I went back to work part-time. It's been a slow journey so far, as I had allowed myself to get so far down. Every step forward is being met with several steps backwards. Once you allow anyone to have so much control of your life, you will be met with a wave of backlash. It happens, and I am guilty of this myself! I am not perfect and I know this. I am difficult to live with, at best, and I have the almost OCD need to have control of the life around me. When my schedules are thrown off, everything else is off too. When communication breaks down, it's one problem after another, and it ends of making me angry. I have learned so much throughout my marriage and my life in Missouri. Some things were lessons, I never wanted, and others were lessons I would have loved to learn sooner.
A couple of weeks ago, I had another major eye opening experience. My quiet, smart, and witty uncle passed away at 53 years old, just 13 years older than me. It was such a revelation to me, that it left me dumb-founded. I have been in Missouri since 1997, just 17 years, of my almost 40 years of life. While I consider Missouri my home now, I still miss my family and friends that I grew up with. I hate that I can't seem to get back to my hometown more often. I know my home is here, and I love it, but time and finances keep me from doing much of anything. A trip back home, just for a weekend, is a minimum of $400. This doesn't include the time of being away. Having animals, and chores here that are required twice a day, make it difficult to get away. My last trip home, brought back so many memories, and I spent a lot of time with one side of my family. It was an "ah-ha" moment, the day of the funeral. We were driving from the funeral home to the hall where the luncheon was being held; and it kind of slapped me. As we were driving, I was pointing out different place that family had lived, and remembering different family gatherings. Out of nowhere, I said, "it's funny to me how different the 2 sides of my family are. Mom's side is more conservative and reserved. While Dad's has always seemed more eccentric to me. They were the ones that didn't think inside the box. They have always been the ones to go their own way." Then it hit me. Not only do I look like my Dad's family, I am more like they are. Even though I have spent many years being more reserved, it's not who I am or who I want to be. I want to show my eccentric side, I want to spread my wings wide and show my kids that it's ok to make their own paths. I want to show them the beauty of a simple life, without all the material stuff that just clutters their values. I want them to understand that the most meaningful things in life don't cost anything (love, loyalty, respect, inner peace, etc.)! I don't want my children to think that drama, games, broken promises, lies, and deceit are acceptable. I want more for my children than I have ever had.
I want my kids to be proud of who they are and what their values are. I want them to treat others with respect(as long as it's earned), I want them to be proud of their chosen career paths, I want them to be well-rounded people. Once they are older, I want them to treat their significant others with respect, loyalty, and courtesy without taking them or anyone else for granted. I hope they will find the same attributes in their choice for mates. I hope they will value the ties that bond a family, and not let anyone interfere in that path they choose. I hope they find a career or even multiple careers that will make them happy, even if they are not earning a 6 figure income. I want them to be good people. This is not asking too much, and since our son is growing into a wonderful young man, I am seeing some of this emerging from him. I can only hope that him being integrated into more "social situations," will not cause a backslide of what I am trying to teach him or our daughter.
As I am once again reinventing myself, I am finding that the parts of myself that I liked years ago, are still there...they are just buried. I have continued my own education throughout my life. I have jumped into learning anything and everything that has caught my attention. In April 2010, I went back to school to get my certification for Natural Health. I love the natural health side of well being. Fortunately, I was privileged enough to be in class with 2 doctors, and have since had a good deal of communication with several others. In March of this year, I began another venture. The education and certification of Medical Transcription Editing. I am still trying to get this finished around the insanity of the schedules here, I should be done in October...I hope! This will give me not only a degree, but also 2 certifications. I am very proud of this, even though I haven't gotten much more than grief and lack of understanding from most. I can only hope that my own love of learning is passed on to my kids! The more I learn, the better I feel.
The more I write in my journals and write on my blog, I am slowly starting to find my way. The restless feeling I have experienced on and off for several years, is starting to find meaning. It's beginning to find it's way to the surface and require some sort of action to resolve. I don't know what the resolutions will be, but I will be putting them to rest; one issue at a time. I will not allow myself to be a follower anymore. I can't. It's not who I am, it doesn't sync with my values, and it is down right wrong to force anyone to go against everything they believe to conform to fit any situation. Being a realist, I know there will be backlash, and it's going to be an uphill battle. It will be, whatever it will be. I have learned strength, determination, and perseverance from some of the best people ever! It is from their teachings, and examples that I found direction.
I am about to grow some more. I am embracing my eccentric side, and going to let it shine and spread my wings. I am going to embrace the happiness I deserve, even if it goes against every grain of what others find acceptable. I am going to spend time reconnecting with friends that are more like family. I am going to be involved in my kids life, and spend ever chance I have to spend with them, before they get any older. My kids are my entire world. They are the reason I have spent so many years accepting what I do not agree with. I have to learn to ask for and accept help when I can't do it all myself, and it will be fine unless it's thrown in my face. Then everything will change again. The main reason I quit asking for help, is because I got tired of hearing "well, I helped you do whatever."
Now that I am working part-time, I am finding that it's something I have always loved. I am a waitress and bartender at a small local bar & grill. It's a cozy little place with some exceptional people. Even though there seems to be plenty of drama, I am guessing it's due to the fact that a majority of those that work there are family. So, that throws in a whole other monkey wrench than what is normal for this type of business. Once I get my schooling finished, I will be doing that part-time as well. Between the 2(less than 25 hours a week), will provide me a full-time income without the full-time hours away from kids. Only about 15 of those hours will be spent away from home. It will still give me the opportunity to teach my kids, and enjoy them. It's the best of both worlds.
I am pushing to make the changes I know need to be made. I know anything worthwhile takes time, and I am working on my patience as well. I have allowed myself to become somewhat of a recluse, over the past 10 years. I have slowly slid into a horrible, and unfounded fear of so much. I refuse to continue this destructive path. Hopefully, I will get support as I claw my way back to where I want to be, but even if I don't...I got this! I have handled life on my own for many years, so I can handle this too.
Enlightened once again!
Salli
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