After winding down from a crazy, busy weekend, I am finding that my mind is easing some. Whenever we have any kind of gathering, it's always a lot of work for me. I love having gathering and visiting with family and friends, but it requires a lot of work. In addition to our huge gathering this weekend, we have this stupid remodeling project still going. Yes, I know I will love the outcome of the remodeling, but right now it's just a burr under my saddle(a constant irritation!).
We had a beautiful weekend for our gathering. We even got to enjoy a bonfire with some of our guests. We had a lot of people, plenty of food, and the kids all seemed to really enjoy getting to run around and play in dirt. Some of the older kids spent time catching up, and reconnecting after several years. It was really nice, but I never get to visit as I wish I could. Parties at our home are never a time to get to visit much(at least until after the meal and clean up!). I was finally able to sit for a minute and enjoy the bonfire about half an our before our last guests decided to leave. I didn't even get a S'more this bonfire. The boys decided to go coyote hunting at midnight, so I spent 2 hours after they left cleaning up the mess.
I have so many thoughts today and yet I still feel calmer than I have for weeks. There are so many people I wish I could spend some time with. I know several are dealing with life issues, work schedules, and of course we all have children to keep up with, but some times, I just wish we could stop everything to just visit. After our party this weekend, I was struck by how technologically advanced we have become, yet our interactions with people have been degraded. I watched so many this weekend, that couldn't even take a break from their connections to their phone or technologies. It really upsets me that society as a whole has forgotten what it means to be "social." I would not dream of going to a party and spending all my time online or on my phone. I would not, intentionally, call people knowing they were at a party or social event. I sure as heck would not make a phone call or even take a call that would be upsetting during a time that is spent with family for a special event. Too many people have lost or never had a little thing called common courtesy. We have become a society that is always connected through technology, but is rapidly losing connections physically.
I have struggled for months trying to come to grips with the distance from my family and most of my closest friends. I wish I could take time to go have coffee and visit. Spend time catching up with what is going on in their lives and talk like we used to. While I have a couple of people here that I can tell or say anything to, the few others that I trust that much are over 400 miles away. They can't get away from their lives and schedules any more than I can get away from mine. While I can't speak for them, I can say for me, it's not for lack of trying! I keep thinking that some weekend, I would love to just sneak away, all by myself, and spend a weekend just catching up with old friends. However, whenever I think of making a trip home, I feel guilty if I don't spend time with my family. In turn, then I would need to take the kids so they could see our family up there too. It's a vicious cycle that keeps my mind spinning. Maybe a weekend away at a halfway point or even a weekend up north all by myself, should be an early birthday gift?! Once a year trips back home, for less than 48 hours, don't allow much time to do anything.
Now that I have gotten through the party, it's time to work towards finishing some of our remodeling projects before the holidays. I know they will all get finished, but the end of the year and cold weather are in the foreseeable future. The outside projects that need finished are pretty minimal: roof, siding, windows, furnace and getting power to the barn. They should not take too horribly long to finish once we get going on them. We still need to finish one half of the new addition, get the stuff moved in to it's new homes. Then all the inside stuff that needs to get finished: scraping 7 more rooms of popcorn ceilings, drywall for 7 more rooms, new flooring for those rooms, paint, and getting everything put back and organized.
With the end of the year looming in just a few short months, I am already thinking about my birthday. Yes, I know most people don't like to celebrate their birthdays, but I do! I love my birthdays. It reminds every year, that I have made it another year. This year, will be my 40th birthday. I can't wait! I bawled like a baby when I turned 30, but I am seriously looking forward to turning 40. My 30's have been rough. While they have held some wonderful times, overall, I am ready to leave them behind. I am ready for my 40's in hopes of finding much more happiness. I have spent so much time reflecting on everything in my life. The good, bad, and the ugly! I write continuously to help keep myself on track. Whether I write here in my blog, or in one of hundreds of journals that I keep; I am continuously trying to grow. I want to be the best I can be, learn everything I possibly can and grow from what I learn, and to better myself everyday in some fashion. As I have heard - I am not who I once was, and I'm not who I want to be, but I am getting there. I am a constant work in progress. I will never be better than anyone else, but I want to be a better person than I was yesterday.
I am constantly thriving to be the person I want to be. I push myself to no end, just to prove to myself that I can do everything. Even when I find something that I am unable to do, I push myself to keep trying. Not everything has been able to be achieved, since I am a relatively small person. I set goals, and do everything I can to achieve them. I have high expectations of myself, and I tend to expect them out of others. I know this isn't logical, since they may not be as head strong as I am, but I do still expect it. It causes a lot of issues for me, especially when others don't even try. I get disappointed a lot, and even let down some, when others aren't as driven as I am. I am who I am though. I tend to love people even when it's not reciprocated, I forgive but rarely forget, I get angry and stay angry for a long time, I look for the good in everyone even when I shouldn't. I give too many chances to people that abuse that courtesy. I am a hopeless romantic. I love the little things in life(picnics under the stars, a good hike, little notes to have a good day/night, etc.). I love a night to go out dancing even if the music isn't exactly my style. I love a good all night conversation over a pot of coffee. These are just a few of the things I have been missing, for me. While I would not change having my kids with me all the time, I do miss a few things that it would be easier not having the kids with to enjoy.
I am loving being back to work a few days a week. I know it's probably not the type of job I should have as an almost 40 year old mom, but it's what I have always enjoyed and loved. I love having a place to go, make a little extra money, and having a name. The first several days I worked, it was so odd to hear my name! It was odd as I started to meet new people, that they would come in to work, and say, "hey Salli, great to see you!" While there are some characters up there, most of them are super nice. The little extra cash has been nice to allow a few extras that I wouldn't have bought otherwise. Like my new Bunn coffee maker! The money I am making the rest of the year, will pay the farm insurance, taxes, and buy Christmas gifts. It's kind of nice not to have to take all that out of the regular budget.
Even though I love writing in my blog, and I am much better at writing than other forms of communication, there are some things I would never put out online. There are things I would love to say, people I would love to talk to and even a few not-so-nice things I would love to express. However, for the sake of all and the fact that as good as the internet is for keeping in touch, I much prefer real conversations and real interaction. Sometimes, even with real conversations, the words I speak come out wrong. They tend to come out angry and accusatory, when what I really feel is hurt or taken advantage of. So many times, I have said "I'm fine, or just peachy." When in all honesty, that usually means that there is a problem, I don't know how to deal with it and I don't know how to say what I need to, to make it understood. I am not the type of person to let things roll off my back. I need to talk about things until they make sense in my head. Arguments are the same way, they are not over until I have made sense out of them.
Even though I am pretty calm today, I have a lot on my mind. I am really missing my Northern friends, and the nights we'd spend hours upon hours drinking coffee and solving the problems of the world. I am missing some of the conversations that were bantering back and forth between old friends. However, I am grateful for the life I have established here and these 2 little people that keep reminding what it means to be adventurous and have fun. I am grateful for all that I have learned and continue to learn everyday.
I guess there is just too much going through my head to stay on one subject, so I am going to spare you all the constant jumping and end this blog post. I suppose I will venture into laundry mountain, and see what I can get done today.
~Salli~
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