All my life, that I can remember, my Grandma used to say that when a family member was in need or just family in general, you should "Circle the Wagons." I never really understood the meaning behind this phrase until I got older, and honestly...not until I had children of my own.
The Term "Circle The Wagons," in pioneer meaning meant: to literally circle the covered wagons. Inside the circle of covered wagons was safety, security, and camaraderie. Being in the center of that circle allowed a safety net of sorts. Everyone had your back, you were never alone. In the pioneer days, that interior circle meant the warmth of a fire, safety from outside world, friendship and caring, and a revere you can only get from having the bonds with those in that circle. Little did I know, growing up in a huge family, would provide those wagons in a circle. Little did I know, growing up, that the circle of wagons, would be an unbreakable bond.
Very recently, my family had the unexpected loss of a great man. He was a quiet man. One of those that either sat quietly just observing, or was more comfortable not being in the middle of my extremely large family gatherings. I was not overly close to him, because of spending the last 16 years away from my family, but if you just watched, you could see a world of thought, right through his eyes.
I have always been told that the window to someone's soul was through their eyes, and with this man, it couldn't have been truer. You could easily see the love and pride for his wife(my aunt),and their kids. As their kids grew up, that love and pride was clearly evident, as well. My uncle, as I knew him, was a man with a quiet humor, a love of music, a love for his family, and so amazing smart! Through pictures, you could just see the amazing bond he and my aunt shared. It was like watching newlyweds.
While every loss is tragic, this one has hit me really hard. I can't pinpoint exactly why, but I suspect that it's because of the young age of loss, how 2 people who couldn't have been better suited for each other we torn apart, maybe it's because I have been worried about this exact situation in my own marriage. I have not been overly close to any of my family members since moving to Missouri. This does not mean I don't love them, and wouldn't be there for them if they needed me, though. It's difficult to remain close to people you see once a year, or only at weddings and funerals. I have missed my crazy family! I have missed out on the younger generation of cousins growing up and having families of their own. I have missed my Aunts and Uncles, many of them aren't much older than I am. I have missed my cousins that I grew up with, and now they have families of their own. Watching my Aunt the past couple of days was difficult. My aunt has always been strong and determined, the most like my grandma. Always having multiple lists of things to do, always on top of every family event, always so level headed, and since my grandmother's passing, was the back bone of our family. My family never disappoints though. When this tragedy happened, my family pulled together and was there. My youngest brother was there to make sure she got to the hospital safely, and helped her every way he could. When he was taken from our family, my family of over 100 people, pulled together and all but 4 of us were there for her, physically, but every single one of us has been and will always be there for her emotionally.
Although this loss has been horrible as is any other loss, there is something to be learned or remembered. For me, this is a reminder of how important family is, how we all take things for granted, and how important it is to make time for those we love and care about. So many times, we focus on getting through the minute. It's chaos at best. We have to get through traffic to get to work, we have to get through the work week and live it up on the weekends, I call this person or that person when things calm down, or just believing that someone knows you care about them and not expressing it enough...this leads to regrets when a tragedy occurs.
I know so many of us that live, financially, on the edge. We have just enough to pay the bills but not enough to allow for trips away from home. We don't take time out of our crazy, fanatic lives to spend time on those we love. We just live our lives and assume that our loved ones will be there when we have time or money to visit. Unfortunately, that's just not the case. We have neglected what and who is important for materialistic lives that take the money, take the time away from family, and cause the need to work multiple jobs to pay for. We have become so indebted that it's the common thought, that that is the only way.
It's time we re-learn the value of family and the price of everything else. It's time to start circling the wagons around our families and never lose sight of importance of them. We need to stop being so materialistic, and start being more fiscally responsible. It's time that we put family on the pillar it was meant to be on, and quit the ridiculous squabbles about materials that are just that...materials. Family bonds are stronger than any bond there is, even if that family isn't blood related.
The last several years, my husband and my families, have lost too many family members. We have spent so many years now, developing a family bond with our children. Teaching them the importance of family, how to be respectful, showing how important it is to spend time with family and learn from them, and how no one that truly loves any of us would ask us to give up our family bonds. I know that family members disagree, and even argue. I also know, that when you love, you sometimes take for granted that those loved ones will just "understand why you are too busy to be present."
We use the excuse of being too busy and why? We are too busy to make time for family? I have heard so many recently, talking about the excuses of why they can't or won't or don't want to be around family...and it makes me physically sick! I have heard, "well, they don't come around us for the things that are important to us, so why should I make time to go around them?" I have also heard, more times than I care to count, "we just don't have the money or time to visit." But so many of us will find the time and/or money when a family member passes. Why don't we find that time or money when our loved ones are alive?
As I said, the last several years losses in our families, have really taken a toll on me. I am guilty of so much of this. Not making/taking time for family or those I hold in the same regard as family. Using the crappy excuses of no time or money. I have circled the wagons around my little family, but my husband and I together have a huge combined family. Each of us became part of another family when we married. Too many times, and I've heard this and said this, it becomes "it's your family." That should never be the case when you combine lives. Once you combine lives, through marriage, there is no more "mine" and "yours." You join your lives in marriage, therefore you join families. You have your extended families that you were born into, you have the families you married into, and you have your own family. These all become one, when you are married. I was blessed with a family that always welcomed those who married in, as one of their own. It's been an on going phrase in my family, since I was a little kid, that once you married into my family, you never get out. You are just always apart of it. My extended family, including my parents, always welcomed in people...those who were best friends of family members, and those who didn't have much of a home life. This has always been a source of pride for me. Never once, in my family, will you hear..."you are only married into the family." That is not how my family works. The day I married my husband, he became a part of my gigantic, chaotic, but amazing family. They have never made him feel any less of a family member than I am, as far as I know.
I know my family isn't like most, but they are my family. Growing up with my grandmother who ran a tight ship, and a grandfather with a quiet wit, charm and the love they shared even through trials...gave me my strength and determination. Having 2 sets of strong grandparents didn't allow much choice...I was brought up to be strong. Growing up with 9 Aunts and Uncles on one side of the family, and 1 on the other; has given me such a variety of life styles to learn from. One side of my family was more classical and reserved. The other side, more eccentric and honestly, wild. The life I live today, in such an amazing combination of the 2, is in large part because of the amazing family I was born into. It gave me the strength to be who I am, to learn some things that I never want to do, and the knowledge that if I ever really need support....I have one of the biggest and best support groups possible; my family!
Many of us are spread out now, but I know I could call on any one of them, and they'd be there. I know that my kids will be able to see the threads that tie us together. I know, without the shadow of a doubt, that my kids will know the importance of family, and Circling The Wagons. My grandmother used to have a newsletter that she wrote to help keep our family updated on what everyone was doing. There have been many times family members that have tried to get something going with them again. I believe, as the oldest grandchild, I will make an attempt to start these newsletter up again.
I need to make some adjustments in my life, and hope that I never lose that insight I have gained over the last several years. I need to make time for those that mean so much to me, and quit using excuses why I can't/shouldn't be near them. There are no excuses that make up for neglecting family bonds!
Family knows no bounds!
~Salli~
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