Coffee Chat - 2/26/15 and 50 shades of disappointment

This blog is going to cover yet, a multitude of subjects that are settling on my mind.



To start this off, I have to say, I have a serious dislike of television, movies, and basically anything that takes productive time away from projects. I broke my own record of not going to a theater since 1995, this week. I believe the last movie I saw in a theater was Water World, with Jim Carrey. Since then, it just seems a waste of time and money, much like I view television. I broke this record after reading the trilogy, 50 Shades of Grey. Now, before I get any hate mail, I heard about these books for a long period of time before reading them...only to find out the majority of my generation, and of the older generations, had already read them. Anyway, I read the books. I found some of the repetitive grammar usage, and the overall story, had some issues it took me a bit to get past. However, if you can just read and take the erotic parts with a grain of salt, the overall story is good. I have heard and seen so many reviews of the harsher sides of these books, and to some degree, I agree. There is a huge taboo subject of bondage, dominance, and innocence that many are not prepared to admit exist, and have grown for many years. Yes, some believe that these books and now movie, portray domestic violence and abuse. This is also to some degree true. It also portrays a consensual relationship, that some people choose to enter. For some people, this may be the only way they know. For me, personally, hearing conversations about the books had me more curious than anything. I wondered why people would read a book described as erotic, conflicting, and full of taboo subjects. I understand, after reading it, that there are definitely a myriad of areas that people will crawl out of the woodwork to degrade/endorse. The books were, overall, fun to read. When you look at these books as just that...a fictional writing, from an author in a country that isn't worried about hypocritical judgments from people that would rather stay in a bubble of blissful ignorance, than to understand and accept that these types of lifestyles are out there. On to my view, from the much hyped movie. I was very disappointed in the movie. After reading the books, and hearing that the movie would only contain a Rated R rating, I was certain that the majority of the books would be thrown to the wayside. While there were several scenes that were following the books, the movie bounced around too much, left out too many of the scenes that set up the overall story line, the actor who portrayed Christian looked NOTHING like he was described in the books, neither did the best friend, brother, or sister. The actress who played Ana, did an amazing job, and couldn't have been more fit for the part! The scenes seemed rushed to me, many of the creative conversations were left out, the sex scenes were pathetic at best, and the final scene of the movie just pissed me off! It's no wonder, after that scene, that the domestic violence creepers, came out of the wood work. Seriously, the director of the movie and the screen play writer did NOT do these books any justice! I honestly felt, that I wasted time and money to go to this movie. The only good thing I can say is that Dakota Johnson, nailed her part with 100% perfection.

Now, to another subject, one that touches me everyday of my life...Parenting. It's more like a mini circus, that contains more monkeys than entertainment value! ;) I have spent the better part of 14 years, as a stay-at-home Mom. Before I go on, I am going to touch on the many comments I hear regularly! Let's start: "It must be nice to be home all the time, it must be nice not to have to work, I don't know how you can spend so much time with your kids, how can you afford not to work, I would go crazy spending so much time at home," These are just a few! So, let's address these first. Yes, it is nice to be able to stay at home. I, mostly, enjoy my time at home, and not having to go to a paying job. I love spending time with my kids! While I still need an occasional break from them, the time I have with my kids is so limited since they grow up so fast, that I value our time. Affording not to work a paying job, is not easy! It requires a lot of sacrifices, pinching pennies at every corner, not having brand new everything or the latest or greatest. It means not eating out on a regular basis, having to budget not only money but time for everything. It means that sometimes, you have to go with out or do things the old fashioned way - and save for a period of time, in order to do. Yes, there are days, I feel like I am going to go stir crazy! I feel like if I have to spend one more day starring at the same 4 walls, I am going to go postal! Those are the days we go for a walk, or work out in the yard, make a trip grocery shopping, or if we have saved enough...we might make a trip somewhere. So, here is my take on being a stay-at-home Mom. I have a job, one of high importance, and huge rewards, and some disappointments too. The biggest thing is, my job doesn't pay, at least not in the dollars and cents sort of way. It pays with hugs, a strong and solid bond with my kids, a root and support system for my family, and the pride of raising my kids the fittest way I see possible. Now, my full-time job isn't one where I leave home for a commute, or have a "boss" to answer to really. I do have children and a husband that have needs, wants, and require food 3 times a day, clean clothes, school work, doctor appointments, extra-curricular activities, livestock,finances, organization, time management, playing referee, and sometimes the mediator too. For me, it meant giving up many of the things I wanted to allow for the time, attention and finances of being a stay-at-home-Mom. It has also given the biggest blessing ever! I have such a strong and unique bond with each of my kids, we home school so I am given the opportunity to adjust our schooling to match my kids learning styles, we are able to use everyday situations as learning lessons, and many of our study units incorporate everyday life too. We do our school work year round to allow days off when attitudes aren't good, there's illness, or trips to take. As far as being a stay-at-home-parent...it's a circus around here all day, everyday! While each day is different, they are also the same. between chores, school work, the kids battling or trying to concoct a plan to make a plea for something they want, teaching life skills such as cooking, cleaning he bathroom, laundry, how to budget, etc. we never have a boring day. There are days when I play referee from daylight to dark, or have to mediate some drama, but usually the kids share the strong bond that I have with each of them. So, YES! I love being home even when I am ready to pull my hair out. Yes, this full-time, non-paying job I have may not seem like much to some, but it means the world to me. Yes, I live in a 3-ring circus all day everyday, and even though I may complain sometimes...I wouldn't give it up for the world. I enjoy my few breaks when the kids go to grandmas or great-grandmas, but I miss my kids when they aren't here.

I work hard to be a good parent and wife. I don't always succeed. There are days that the circus gets the better me and I just want to throw a fit like my kids have thrown all day. Or days my husband comes home from babysitting his mechanics and takes his bad mood out on us here, and I want to kick his butt and then kick theirs! There's days that my husband and I look at each other, and just shake our heads and agree to disagree. There are days when 4 different personalities, are all different, and none of us can get along, and those are the days you can usually see the mushroom cloud above our house...doors are slamming, stuff is flying, and we all spend a day without really speaking to each other. There are other days when we, as a family, can work side-by-side, and everything goes smoothly. I have learned that communication is a huge key to keeping relationships alive and well. Not just between a husband and wife, but also with kids. Being able to effectively communication, is the MOST important aspect in any conversation. I'm talking; not placing blame when you argue, not using gossip/rumors as topics of real conversations, using knowledge instead of ignorance to fight fairly, not being closed minded to the beliefs of someone else, and being able to say exactly what you think without being afraid of what the other person will think of you. Many times, as I have gotten older, I have dealt with all of this, and from my own experience, lessons learned, and desire to better myself...I have learned more than I ever would have dreamed.

Relationships are HARD work, and it doesn't matter what type of relationship it is; partners, children, friends,extended family, it's work...every single day. When my control issues get the better of me, it becomes even harder! From everything I have studied, my control issues came from being the eldest child, feeling that too many issues were beyond my control, and needing to have a handle on everything that touches my life. Yes, this was a doctor's opinion. Whatever caused it or if I was just born this way, I get overwhelmed when my life feels out-of-control. Which, anyone with a husband and child/children will tell you is everyday! The older I get the more overwhelming/out-of-control my life has gotten. So, you can imagine the battles in my house. That control issue goes along with needing organization in the life around me to feel organized in this frantically moving brain of mine. When my house is in chaos, or now as we are trying to live in our house while remodeling and everything is a mess, my brain feels even more chaotic than normal. It throws off my ability to let stuff roll off my back, it cause my sleep patterns to be off, and I tend to be much more critical. I have learned so much about relationships in the past 17 years that makes me view them on several levels. On the partner side, those are always more difficult. You have 2 different people trying to co-mingle their lives, and learn to function together. While relationships always have different phases they go through, I think that many of them go through some unnecessary hardships because of the lack of real communication. Talking about surface issues such as the weather, jobs, friends, extended family, or some television show...do not accord to having a real communication. Real communication, as mentioned earlier, is being able to fight fairly, being truthful to the person you've chosen as your partner, sharing your hopes, dreams, goals and ambitions. It's finding a compromise that fulfills both partners needs without placing blame or rehashing old arguments. It's being able to listen to all the surface issues, and knowing that your partner or you are facing some other issue without having actually voiced it. It's knowing that your partner is upset, angry or fuming by their body language, voice, their communication patterns, or any other non-verbal means. It's understanding that, in my case, your partner will hold a lot of their stresses in, until they just can't hold anymore. Then they are going to blow a gasket, throw stuff, cuss, rant & rave, all before finally telling you what the underlying problem is. As a story I read the other day stated, sometimes what I am throwing a fit about, isn't really what it's about. For me, I can take a lot of crap. I will keep most of my thoughts and opinions to myself until I can no longer hold it all in. Then, watch out. Because everything someone has done, or said, is going to be brought up and once I'm mad....I'm mad for a long period of time...sometimes, months! It may take me a long time to get there, but it's not pretty when I do.

As I have spent nearly 16 years with my husband, we have found areas that cause us grief. Mainly it's differing opinions. While I am the type to say, "to each their own, as long as they aren't hurting me or my kids." He is more of a person to let little stuff roll off his back, or to let the bigger stuff build inside until he's ready to burst. I am a deep thinker. I do not look at stuff from inside a box, and I don't want to. I look for the most unique way of dealing with stuff, and if it means a little less work for me, then I'm all in! As I have recently told him, from my perspective, he's more an all in or all out, type of guy. There is no moderation for him. He's either going at something full bore or not at all. Once he decides, the not at all avenue, that's just it...he's done. For me, I have a million things I would love to do, places I would love to go, sights I would love to see, and interests I would love to explore. I have a profound need to constantly learn. I am always ready to learn something new, even if it intimidates me. My husband is one of those people that can do anything, and that too is a bit intimidating. I have a few areas that I am good at, but there are plenty of things I can't do. Sadly enough, some our most real conversations with the most truthful words; are now done by text messages. Since I nearly always, have the kids and he's busy with his job, our main means of communicating has become those conversations that we have have, privately, through text messages. Without little ears, or big ears for that matter. Without any concern for what someone else might hear and twist into some sort of stupid rumor.

I am not a fan of technology, and honestly...it ticks me off daily, but it can be a means of mediation. I have had to make some requests for limits on technology; no texts during supper, an hour a night without the television, cell phones, or computer. It can be useful under the right circumstances too. I do get frustrated that people can not count back change when you go to a store, or the employees can't do even elementary work without some sort of technology, even some of the newer vehicles are so computerized that it takes just short of a rocket scientist to fix.

I get frustrated with the small mindedness I read online and hear in conversations. So many have the belief, that they know all and are "entitled" to more than they deserve. People like to stir the shit pot, but don't want to deal with the outcome. They want to gossip and spread rumors, but if there is something said about them they whine and act like the world is ending. Then you have the whole job/skill issue. Honestly, when I was growing up, you worked to learn something, then it was your choice to go to college or not, or to go on to a job and EARN a living. Obviously, the more you knew, the better you got paid. You didn't get to cry discrimination, or foul, because you were under-educated for a job or were not some sort of minority. You were either qualified or you weren't. Those that were got the job, got paid for the job they did, and that was that. Those that weren't either found a different job or learned the job, and moved up the ladder on skills, and knowledge; not because you were a woman, black, hispanic or Native. If you weren't educated for a job you didn't get it, period! You worked at your job, did the best you could, for a decent wage, moved up the ladder if you were capable and you held that job most of your life. On the other hand, if you got a job and failed to do it correctly, didn't show up, didn't call, or became incompetence of doing that job, you were fired. There was none of the molly-coddle of giving a second, third, or more chances. If you wanted a job: you show up, if you can't be there you called, if you did your job wrong you were either fired or demoted...and pay went with it. If you excelled in your job, you were rewarded. Your pay went up, your benefits went up, and so did your bonuses. Now, too many people expect a job making $10 or more an hour, that they don't know how to do...but lie their way through their interview, only to work a short period then start calling off or just not showing up. Then they screw up the jobs they are meant to do, and start crying foul when they are confronted. Honestly, it's probably a good thing I don't work in corporate America anymore, especially management! I would not be a real well liked person!

I am not an expert at anything, but there aren't too many things I won't try. I do the best I can with the skills I have...and it works for me, for now. I love a few of the areas that I have pursued more education in, and am quite capable of getting back into a work force, should I ever need to. I guess that's the difference of growing up the way I did, and the way a big part of society is today. My kids are being raised the way I was, with the exception of teaching them to pursue what they love and what makes them happy, as a career. While my relationship is better than a lot, it still has areas of conflict and major break-downs in communications. I am always a Mom, first and foremost. I am not afraid of hard work.

I am chasing my dreams with education and hands-on learning and doing. Between the continuous study of Natural Health, learning medical transcription editing, teaching my kids, building furniture, and doing photography work; I'm pretty certain that "just a stay-at-home-mom," doesn't describe me.

So, that's my thoughts for today, all rolled into this blog. Now, it's time for me to get to work!
Just 10 more days until Daylight Savings Time, and 22 more days until the official start to Spring!

~Salli~

Escaping my comfort zone.

Sometimes you are pushed beyond your level of comfort and forced, if you will, to face what you are unsure of. For some this may include a new job, starting a family, starting a new relationship, relocating, or as simple as taking on new projects/chores in your home. I say simply, and am laughing! There is nothing simple when you are pushed out of your comfort zone! Life looks a little scary when you step out of your comfort zone and have to do/try something new.

My own experience with being pushed out of my comfort zone has happened many times and each time I find a new level of enlightenment. Each trip outside my comfort zone becomes such a learning experience and a dawn of realization. For a few years now, my life has been a bit of an extreme. Between moving to a small farm/homestead, to having live stock to tend to, to growing a couple of huge gardens, to starting all over with a toddle/young child, to dealing with teenage drama, to trying to understand my own changing life/body of menopause. It's been a constant trek outside my comfort zone, and the realization that sometimes it's all, a bit overwhelming. I have also come to the understanding that, while I am a creature of habit, and dread those moments spent outside my comfort zone, I need that push occasionally.

Many of us become a creature of habit. We get our schedules and routines worked out, and find comfort in getting through each day with those schedules intact. We find comfort in knowing what is going to happen, what time everything is going to take place, and with whom we will be interacting. We "thrive" on being precise. I believe to some degree we are all procrastinating perfectionists. We know what needs to be done in our regular schedules/routines, and we learn to do them to perfection - usually while complaining about the hum-drum of "nothing new ever happens." However, when it comes to actually doing something new, we are full of restraint, and can procrastinate away the new experience.

For me, taking on a new project, challenge, chore or even a job; usually is met with a whole lot of anxiety, cussing, and reasons why I should not be doing whatever is thrown at me. It ends up overwhelming me for a day or two, while I readjust my thoughts, and accept that it is whatever it is! Usually, within a day or two...sometimes three :), I can get into the project and do it to the best of my ability without so much grumbling. I believe that during times of having to step outside your comfort zone, is when you find your true authentic self: at least to some degree.

A quick back story: My family moved around, A LOT, when I was a kid. I'm talking I was in 6 different schools over the course of as many years. I was young and even though having to meet new kids was always a challenge...I always adapted. I actually took pride in being able to adapt, make new friends, and just keep growing. The whole experience of moving around when I was younger, actually continued until I got married. From the time I graduated high school, until my first child was born, I was always ready to move on. I got bored staying in one location, and was always ready for my next adventure. Whether it was changing homes, cities, or even my move to Missouri. I still have such fond affection for each place I have ever lived, but I would grow restless and bored with the "same ole, same ole," and it was time to move on. Once I had my oldest child, I had this crazy idea that a child should live and grow up in one home, one location, and be able to put down some sort of roots. That is not easy when you rent homes, or early on when we weren't in the school district that we wanted to be in, which turned out to be a bad change for us...thus, we now home school. Anyway, after moving to change school districts and wanting to help my family, a home to get in a hurry with more problems that any fit home should have, living in a home for a few weeks to find the owners kid was stealing from us, to living multiple years in a few homes, we bought the farm/homestead we now live on. Each change, each move, and each new home became harder and harder for me to adapt to. The last move, to our farm, has been the hardest for me. It has given me the most anxiety, the most fear, and the most restless feeling yet.

In January, my husband and my son went on a hunting adventure to southern Missouri; about 6 hours south of us. I offered to take on the chores while my husband's step-father kept our furnace filled with wood. It wasn't too bad, since I had my sister here for the weekend and she seemed to be thrilled to help. I had someone to talk with, help with the chores, and being a little scared being out so far alone, I had company. Even though my project list, that weekend, went by the wayside, it was nice. This month, the boys took off again. This time leaving the chores, but I had my young daughter with me. The entire thought had me screaming, in my head, DO NOT LEAVE ME ALONE WITH MORE THAN I CAN HANDLE! Unfortunately, sometimes, my husband has more faith in me, than I have in myself. He told me, "you can handle it." I was thinking, "you are out of your ever-loving-mind!" Needless to say, he was right. I did handle it, while maybe not to my own satisfaction, I did do it. I did handle it. I did what had to be done, and everything is still alive to prove it! ;) Let me tell you, this last weekend of them being away, had me feeling like my world had been turned upside down! There weren't any more/less chores, I did have my daughter with me but being so young...she is VERY demanding. I didn't have the adult conversations of the last time I was alone. I had my little one yelling, "MOM" every two seconds for 5 days without a reprieve of adult conversation, or time to just breath. I had a shadow the whole time. I couldn't take a shower or go to the bathroom without my shadow, and she was NOT going to do outside, in the cold to do chores with me. The newness of doing the chores wore off the first day! By the 3rd day, I had it under control! I had a few more bearings about me, and felt more empowered. I had a really bad day the 2nd day of this trip and I was in tears by the time I fell asleep. It was the worst day I have had in a long time. The next morning, I had made up mind that there wasn't anything that was going to beat me! I had a burst of determination, independence or whatever it may have been...I was on a mission to prove to myself I could conquer the very things I was terrified of the day before. The very gigantic leap out of my comfort zone, was NOT going to beat me. I found my old, fiesty-spirit, and it made a whole world of difference. Even though I did find that I was still craving adult conversation, I felt more like the old me. I adapted, settled, and did what I had to do....and you know what, I even enjoyed most of it. I had the short time each morning, and evening during chores when my daughter would stay inside, to get chores done, and it was fairly quiet. Then the few minutes when I would take my dog out, were a few more minutes of complete quiet. By the fourth day, although upset that the boys were snowed in, it wasn't as upsetting as maybe it should have been. I wanted them safe, so them staying an extra day made sense, and I was relieved they used their common sense. I didn't mind keeping up with their chores, my chores and my projects.

I found comfort in knowing that I was capable of still taking care of myself. After so many years of being married, being a full-time mom, and not working enough outside of home the past 16 years to account for much, I have been feeling a whole lot restless. I have a healthy confidence level, but have noticed getting more and more overwhelmed when too many new things are thrown at me. I know it's been an ongoing comment in my house, that all this "over-emotional stuff," is because of menopause, but I can assure you it's more about feeling restless. Restless energy has taken hold of me, and until I find a way to relieve it, it will not ease. I've been through this more times than I care to count, but I'm told that I am suppose to settle down as I get older, and be happy with what I have, yada-yada. Here's the thing; I have settled, for a whole lot LESS that I ever wanted, I am happy with what I have but I want MORE, the older I get the more unsettled I feel. I feel like life is moving so fast that I can't even breath. I want to do so many things, show my kids so much, and unfortunately, time and finances are not only holding me back...but have forced me to come to a complete stop. I have ultimately settled into a 1950's role of a Mom and wife, and while I love my roles, I want more. I think that is the bottom line to this restless energy: I want more.

To have more, means making yet another leap outside my comfort zone. Will it scare me? Hell YES! Can I do it? Without a doubt! The biggest "light bulb moment," for me so far in 2015, as been the 2 hunting trips my husband and son have taken. It's proven to me that not only am I capable, but also that I am strong, I am competent, I am still adaptable, and once I make up my mind - I CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING I set my mind to do! While I will continue to run around doing my Mommy/Wifely duties, it's time for Salli to be Salli without the comfort zone limitations, without the self-doubting, without the fear of what anyone else will think and most of all without the fear. The "Salli" I was before wearing so many hats of different roles, wasn't so uptight or overwhelmed. Every new adventure was met head-on with the excitement of a new adventure...instead of the dread of "OMG!, how am I going to handle this!" I'm not going to handle things anymore. I am going to do what I have to do, and make time to do what I need to do - FOR ME!

I believe when you have been a doormat for so long, that it will take some by surprise, when you decide that your comfort zone really isn't so comfortable. Yes, you have the comfort of knowing what's going to happen and when, you know that, for example, pay day is Friday, you have an appointment on a certain day, you work 8-5 and by 5:05 you are off to your vehicle and done for the day. You become comfortable with the everyday mundane routines. You become someone too passive to actively change the ruts you are riding through life in. As I say about the area we live in, "it's been done the same way for years, why change now," has become a philosophy for so many - myself included! You live in the same area for years, because that's just how it is. You have the same job for years, it's comfortable even though you are being taken for granted. You quit doing the very things that make YOU happy, because someone finds it to be unacceptable at your age. So many times, we get into a habit of doing things/saying things/behaving a certain way, that those around us believe we are losing our minds when we decide we need a change. Myself, I see making changes a necessity. While it usually causes us to leave our comfort zones, it also allows us the opportunity to grow.

By escaping our comfort zones; we give ourselves the opportunity to explore. Whether our exploring gives light to a new found passion, or a new paint color for our living room walls...we grow, we learn and we adapt. It will be scary to jump out of our comfort zones! It may take a few days or weeks to adapt, but think of the excitement you will feel when you have conquered whatever quest you are on! Think of the empowerment you will feel, knowing that you took the leap of faith, and succeeded! Think of the confidence boost you will get knowing - "you came, you saw, you conquered!" Think of the thrill you will have running through your veins being able to say, "I GOT THIS!"

For many of us, escaping our comfort zones have been established more as a protective barrier. Yes, this includes me. By establishing a comfort zone, I don't have to worry about being hurt, let down, criticized, or of failing. Is this healthy? Probably not! Myself, I have this comfort zone that keeps me out of the public eye in a small area that spreads rumors like warm jelly. This comfort zone of mine, keeps everyone at arms length so there aren't ties that bind should my relationship ever head south. Allowing myself to stay in these ruts of comfort keeps me from realizing how much more is really out there to experience. When you stay out of the mainstream of life, you don't feel like so much is lacking. You don't have the constant push of restlessness....until you are so far beyond restless, that your mind and body begin scream for attention. You don't have to step out of your comfort zone to just get through each day, you can run on auto pilot for that, and you don't have to really feel much of anything.

For me, everything above fits to a tee. The past few years, that restless feeling has been screaming, and getting louder all the time! I keep hearing the same words: You want more, why aren't you doing something about it? What are you waiting for...jump on that opportunity. Why won't you say what you really think and feel? Where the heck did your backbone go???? Why are you not stepping up to the plate and being the strong, independent, capable and dependable person that you know you are?! Most importantly, I keep hearing; after everything you have fought through, been through, experienced, and seen...WHY are you allowing exactly what you said you would never allow? The only answer I can give right now is I don't know! I wish I did! I wish I could just flip some imaginary switch, and all the answers would be in front of me, and I would automatically just be the "more" I need to be to feel whole. That switch is just like fairy tales...NONEXISTENT! That doesn't mean I'll give up, it just means that I need to work on myself and push myself out of this comfort zone/rut I have been in. It means that with each new day, comes a new opportunity to keep pushing myself to the person I want to be, to do the things I want and need to do to curb this restlessness. I means that pushing this bubble I keep myself in, is going to eventually burst, and the switch will have flipped...so to speak. It means that respect, love, care, and commitment will be expected and received or situations and people around me will change. It means the negative self-talk will no longer be heard, or at least acknowledged.

This year, so far, has been quite a rude awakening for my own pschyie. It has reared it's head in a way that I could not have guessed, let alone prepared for. It has proven to me, that there is so much more that I am needing and wanting that I can not let this bubble continue to exist. It's time to get out of this rut/comfort zone, escape if you will, and really start to grow again. It's time to find my happiness, my contentment, my self. I preach and preach about being able to do anything you set your mind to do, yet have neglected to follow my own advice....again! :) So, as my own bubble is about to burst into a million pieces, I am feeling oddly giddy about that! I know, I am laughing and shaking my head as I write this. I have found a few things that I dearly love to do. I have a few hundred hours of schooling to finish so that I will have a means to pay for what I want and need. I have some further education I need to fulfill a pursuit, and be able to do it with an artistic touch. I will have a few of my roles to adjust, moderate, and refocus; but this just means it time to empty out what isn't working and find a path that will work.

Sometimes, you don't realize the comfort zone you've worked yourself into until you are forced out of it. Sometimes, that push will lead to renewed discovery; other times it will push you too far. Either way, it forces you to learn and grow. It forces you to "see the forest through the trees." It may mean something as simple as learning a new skill, or something as extreme as picking up the pieces after life has fallen apart around you. Either way, you learn what you are made of. You learn what you are and are not capable of. Most importantly, you learn and grow! If you are hard-headed as I am, it forces you to step back, and re-evaluate with those crazy "light bulb moments."

It's amazing to me how 9 days out of 39, can have such a drastic effect, but apparently my own mind was finally opened to what has been feeling like a sinking feeling for about 3 years. Maybe that proverbial switch, finally flicked the other direction. No matter what happened, or how, the mechanics of it aren't the case. It's the calmness that came over me, knowing that what I want, and what I need are just as important as everyone else's. That the lack, I have been feeling for so long, doesn't have to stick around, and the only one capable of jumping out of this rut, is ME! While it was rather heavenly to be able to stay in my lounge clothes until 7:30 this morning, I know that there is absolutely nothing, I can't do if I set my mind to it!

I know keeping people at arms length is a defense mechanism I learned as a child, won't change anytime soon. It's just a part of who I am. I also know, that being the difficult, hard-to-love, not to mention live with, person I am; would be so much less if I wasn't always feeling so restless. I know that my inability to trust most tends to keep me to myself, the older I get. I also know that my need for getting out, away from our home, and among other adults; is what keeps me grounded. I have had more than enough life experiences to keep me timid, but I refuse to let some shit luck be used as a crutch. It's time to chalk those experiences up to lesson learned, don't allow it again, and move on! It's time to quit expecting others to treat me with respect when I don't treat myself with enough respect.

I am a strong person; both emotionally and physically, for no bigger than I am. I have many attributes to offer my family, friends and community. While I am just one small piece of the universe, I can make a difference. Whether it's through my family, writing and sharing, my cooking, my furniture building, or the simple act of friendship. It's time to put the pieces of myself back together, get out of this damned comfort zone that controls so much of society, and step up to the plate! Each of us has a small piece of the universe to claim as our own, don't let it go to waste by being just half a person! Become whole, and let your own inner light shine!

Shining my light!
Salli

Puzzle pieces and seasons of life.

noun - ap·pre·hen·sion \ˌa-pri-ˈhen(t)-shən\
Definition of APPREHENSION

suspicion or fear especially of future evil : foreboding



Apprehension is a term I have become familiar with over the past couple of years. I'm not proud of this, but it is what it is. I am your typical "Control Freak." I need to have a feeling of control in all aspects of my life, in order to feel less overwhelmed. When there are areas that I feel I have no control over, I get stressed and become overwhelmed. I have discovered my need for "me" time, the last couple of years, is in direct effect of the overwhelming feeling of having no control. I have become extremely apprehensive when it comes to life, in general. Everything from my personal life to the world, in general, has scared me.

Raising 2 children, who are my entire world, causes me fear. These 2 little people depend on me, they are going to grow in life looking at the examples I am setting. I do not want them to ever feel that using their own minds to live, is wrong. Yet, I can't live the life I want; using my own mind, thoughts, values. I want them to explore their interests without all the drama and cliques of public educated children. I am teaching them how to think, not what to think. However, these 2 little people in my life, can be completely draining! The oldest, now a teenager, has a lot of the teenage drama that every parent deals with. Everything from bodily changes, to issues with friends, noticing the opposite sex, and in our case; dealing with livestock, hunting, and having outside influences negating how our family has chosen to live. The oldest is more laid back, easier going, has a temper that flares and then is done, has a heart of gold that always wants to help others, and a very level head. The youngest, is a complete opposite! A complete free-spirit, high strung, very demanding, a temper that comes on out of no where and gets very angry very quick. The youngest is the type to smile, while turning your entire world on its head. I tend to struggle with the youngest, as we are complete opposites. While I need peace and quiet, my youngest goes at everything with not only a strong spirit, but also very loudly.

Being married is a constant effort. Anytime you take 2 people, brought up completely different, with different goals, values, thoughts and needs; there are going to be issues. You can't throw 2 people together and expect everything to turn up roses! Marriage, to me, is a constant effort, a constant work in progress and takes both people giving 100% to make it work and keep it going. Many times, it's one or the other that feels they are giving everything they have to give and it's still not enough. There are times that even both people giving it their all, isn't enough. As the saying goes, "sometimes, life happens," and it comes between the people no matter how much love there is. Sometimes, life happens, and too many issues drive wedges and cause ruts to keep those people on different planes. With all the hills and valleys that have occurred in my own marriage, there have been many times that life happening, has driven a wedge for awhile. There are also what I have come to know as seasons, in every marriage. I know, my religious friends will not like this thought, but these seasons happen and people change. When we take our vows on our wedding day, we vow to love, honor, and cherish our partners until "death do us part." These vows, to me, seem to be a false pretense. Every single one of us changes. We grow, change our thinking, as we get older. We can not be expected to always stay rooted to the place we are when we marry. Yes, I believe many of us, got married thinking we found our "forever love," and many of us do! However, statistics show, that's usually not the case. While I do believe many people have become far to independent, judgmental, or whatever you wish to call it...and can marry or divorce with too much ease; some take these seasons of marriage, and learn to understand them. The key is that married people either learn, grow and change together or if they don't - they divorce. I have become very negative about marriage. I have seen so many good relationships, and friendships, ruined by marriage. I have seen people who are smart, fun, interesting, and so in love; become so hateful to those they once loved. I am a firm believer that friendship is required to keep any marriage alive. However, sometimes, that friendship is all that can remain intact. As we go through the seasons of marriage, and our individual persons change, we need to understand these changes, and accept that each season is meant to learn from. From the experience as a child from a divorced home to my experience of being divorced, I can't understand the hatred that some people, who once loved each other, can throw around. Honestly, in my eyes, if you cared enough about someone to marry them, you have no right to degrade them or hate them. Yes, you can dislike them, you can even tell them how they screwed up, but to bad mouth them, or have such an intense hatred of them is wrong. While I can not go into all the details of my parents divorce, I can tell you the after effects on this child, was and is ugly! As a woman, who has been divorced, I can tell you; I have no ill-will on my ex-husband. I valued his friendship, and at the time, I loved him and wanted to be married to him. When it didn't last, I didn't hate him for whatever issues we had, I still wanted his friendship, I just couldn't be married to him. The same goes for any of the relationships I had. I liked something about each of them, and they were just what I wanted at the time. However, each of them was a season. My own marriage now, is no different. It's a season too. While we have worked hard, together to keep this marriage growing, telling you that it will last forever, would be not real smart. I can't know if it will last forever, I can't know if at one season or another, we won't be able to grow together. While I love our relationship, even the differences, there will always be one issue or another, that comes from being 2 separate people. While the season I am currently in is working, it will take constant effort to keep it working. I value our friendship, and do hope that we can weather any storm, we just have no way of seeing into the future. We have no way of predicting a future that can change hourly. As each relationship must weather these storms and seasons, we need to understand that while we wish we could stay who we are on our wedding day, it's just not realistic.

This brings me to yet another piece of life, one that I don't deal with myself, but one that seems to be plentiful. Jealousy. What a horrible way to live!!! This is not something I have dealt with for a good many years, not since my first marriage to be precise. It's not something I understand anymore. I have a great deal of respect for myself, and a mile-wide independent streak that have me thinking, "if the person I am with wants someone else so badly, more power to them. I won't stand in their way!" If you see someone who is attractive and you don't look, to me you are not human! If the person you are with points out an attractive person, who cares! Seriously, if you are so insecure that you are jealous of the person you are with noticing someone else, you have the issue. I know affairs happen, we see it in our politicians and I have seen many relationships end because of them, but honestly, if an affair happens; then there are underlying issues in your relationship to begin with. If the "green-eyed monster" is part of your relationship, it's time to fix yourself. Jealously/insecurity, is such a wasted emotion. It's such a waste of time. Honestly, this may be where one of the seasons of life, I mentioned early, comes into play. I really believe that some relationships are meant to be only friendships, but we try to take them beyond their intents. We develop such great friendships with someone, and love spending time with them but then we take it a step further, and marry them. Sometimes, this last step just destroys the entire base of the relationship you have built. Myself, I had this storybook thought about what a relationship should be, about the way a relationship should go, and how 2 people in a relationship should behave. Let me tell you, I am STILL learning about this whole relationship thing.

I grew up with some pretty conflicting relationship examples. I saw 2 sets of grandparents with different relationships, while each had their share of issues, they both seemed to be good in their own ways. I grew up with parents that fought/argued continually it seamed. I think deep down they cared about each other, but their seasons of life were on different planes that didn't ever seem to match. Myself, I went through relationships with cheating, physical and verbal abuse, lack of respect, and being taken for granted. While all that seems to harsh, each was a learning experience that made me grow into the independent woman I became. It also shaped the way I believed. I haven't ever really believed in the whole "fairytale" thing. I learned very early in life that fairy tales, are a waste of time. They just don't happen...and if you believe you have a fairy tale, you are probably living a lie! I have learned that no matter what season your relationship is in, there are always people in your life that will mean the world to you, even if that isn't your spouse. However, that does NOT mean that your relationship is in a danger zone, it does mean you are willing to admit that your heart has room to care for many people, in many different ways! Growing up, as I did, with many examples of relationships, has given me a unique insight. I can not singularly lump relationships. As I see relationships, they are multiple pieces of the same puzzle. Each piece has to be put together to make a complete puzzle. Without each and every piece, you are left with holes, and you can not get a complete picture.

The puzzle and seasons of life, can span so many different areas. Each piece of your unique puzzle, must be made exactly for for you. While you may interchange some pieces when you have a relationship, the overall puzzle is yours alone. You must put the pieces together. You must decide whom you're going to interchange those pieces with, you must decide whether your interchanged pieces remain for each season of your life, and if they don't you must be wise enough to understand that if the seasons change and can no longer remain interchanged, it's not the end of the world. Our puzzles, that are our lives, are truly singular. These may change paths, may have hills and valleys that stretch your patience and will, but we have to learn from each of these. We have to learn, not blame others. We have to accept that we each have personalities that sometimes agree with another person, and sometimes...they don't. It doesn't do anyone any good to blame someone else for the problems in their lives. Learn from your own mistakes, your own uniqueness, your own feelings and move on. In all relationships, it takes 2 to tango! I have learned that the phrase, "hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me;" it means so much more. I don't care if it's physical, mental, verbal or otherwise...being hurt is not acceptable in any relationship. Whether you are hurt through violence, through negative words, hurt by adultery, hurt by being taken for granted, or hurt by your own lack of interest in a relationship; NONE of these are acceptable. None of these will allow you to become the person you are intended to become. When there is hurt in any relationship, there is a piece of your puzzle missing somewhere. You must learn, and allow yourself to change the season.

So many experiences, allow us to see ourselves for who we are. We are either the demanding, materialistic, high-maintenance or egocentric people. We may be too willing to try to change to be someone elses idea of who we should be, or we may fall somewhere in the middle. We may change to fit others idea of who we should be for awhile, only to become resentful of not being able to be who we really want to be. As I said earlier, we each have seasons of life that cause us to change. We must be willing to explore the changes we need to grow, and if you're in a relationship, sometimes those seasons match and sometimes they don't. Some seasons, even if not matched, can work together. However, some can not.

As I piece together my own puzzle, I am learning. Learning from mistakes, learning from necessity or choosing to learn to lessen the hills and valleys; I am working on my own puzzle. I am piecing it together to match the seasons of my life, as best as I can. Anyone who has put together a puzzle knows, these things can be a real pain! The colors, shapes and blip of picture on the pieces, can throw you off as to where it should go. Eventually, though, all the pieces will fall together and each piece is specifically made to fit into a specific spot. Patience is not a virtue I was blessed with, so occasionally, the danged puzzles frustrate me. As with the seasons of our lives, sometimes you just need to step away, take a deep breath, clear your head and then return to it, once you have calmed.

Puzzle pieces and the seasons of life, can be aggravating and frustrating. Sometimes, we allow the materialistic lives we live to dictate how our puzzles look at seasons of our lives. Many times, we allow the green-eyed monster to give us a perception that isn't accurate, and throws a huge storm into whatever life season we are in. For some, the exploration of their own season of life, leads to making a decision that can undo a season of relationships. As I have experienced in my parents relationships, exploring and trying to find your missing puzzle piece, sometimes leads to finding someone else as a means of trying to find your own season. Yes, it's not ideal, and can cause some emotional turmoil for a relationship or even cause it to end. Honestly, who are we to judge someone else for trying to find all their puzzle pieces? Who are we to determine if those people are right, wrong or worthy of our respect? Yes, the seasons of life can be hurtful, when the seasons change for one person and not the other, but how are people to grow from always remaining the same? While I have seen the anger from this, and if you're willing to dissect it just a bit, there is an underlying hurt that stems from the seasons of one life changing and not including the other.

Society has become extremely judgmental of each other. We judge people based on their clothing, their religious affirmations, their homes, vehicles, how they raise their children, their geographic locations, we judge their choices and so much more. When we quit judging each other, and start to accept that what is working for one person, is their own puzzle; we can grow as a society. When we start accepting that each of us has a puzzle to piece together and our own seasons of life change, we can begin to accept ourselves without fear of negativity. We need to be empowering each other to grow and find all our missing puzzle pieces; instead of hindering the natural process. We need to stop interfering in other lives, since our own lives will never be perfect. "When you live in a glass house, you should NOT throw stones!"

My own puzzle has pieces out of place, missing and/or undiscovered. My own seasons of life are in perpetual motion. My own perceived way through the hills and valleys of life, are constantly changing. However, THEY ARE MINE to learn and grow from. They are not decisions, judgments or unverifiable rules for someone else to control. THEY ARE MINE! It is my task on this big rock in the universe to piece this all together, to grow from each dip and dive in life. It my life to make each season, work for me. Not any one else, not society, not a neighbor or family member....MINE! Just as your life is yours to piece together. We are all giant quilts, piecing together as many pieces as we can.

Finding our puzzle pieces through the seasons of our life,
Salli

Working on myself.

February has graced us with a fairly large snow storm to start us off. January ended with rain/snow and when we woke up on February first, with snow still falling, we had about 8-10 inches of snow on the ground. I know March usually has the analogy with the lion and lamb, but February came barreling in like a lion! We experienced our first major power outage since we have lived on our farm, lasting about 6 hours. I was not prepared for the extended outage, and that really upset me. I really dislike being unprepared.

I'm guessing that most of my naturalistic friends would tell me that the retrograde of the moon is to blame for this unease/restlessness that I am struggling with. Others have told me that it's just the "Winter blahs!" While January wasn't too bad, I have had this real restless energy off and on for awhile again. While I am an avid researcher, Psychology just doesn't seem to provide much help. As a highly sensitive/intuitive person, I tend to pay attention to my "gut instincts. I tend to pay attention when something doesn't feel or seem "right." Something has been gnawing at me for awhile, and I just can't seem to grasp what it is.

My temperament has gotten pretty short, my patience(while never real good!)has been even shorter, my tolerance is gone, I am sick of hearing, from myself and others, "I'm just too busy!" I'm tired of working myself to death, only to hear how much everyone else is doing, and having them look down on me. I'm tired of constantly feeling inadequate, constantly feeling like I'm being taken for granted, and never getting any sort of recognition(for lack of a better word) for everything I do. I push myself beyond most of my own limitations, more times than not, to prove a point. I refuse to be 100% dependent on anyone, the proverbial walls I keep around myself-are at an all time high. I bust my ass and have a calender that is full, so that everything is remembered, but God forbid I forget something! I have found my restlessness gets worse the longer I try to ignore it.

I read another blog today about accepting your emotions, voicing your thoughts, working through what you can, but not letting them take hold. Well, as much as I used to be the person that voiced every thought, every emotion and feeling; I can not be anymore. I have become too rutted in my circumstances, to concerned with keeping peace, and too emotionally exhausted to fight for what I want. You see, for the better part of 5 years, we have lived out of boxes, dealt with clutter and been completely disorganized. Before we moved to our farm, we were trying to get a smaller acreage of ground that had a house already on it. We looked at the property in late 2010 and agreed to purchase it with the agreement that we would finalize all paperwork in August of 2011, since the owner wanted to find something else to invest in right away. So, we started sorting and packing our possessions as we could. That started all the chaos. We told the owner of our rental house we would be out by September of 2011, so he could get someone in there before Winter. August came and went, and the end of September we were told it would be around November or the first of the year before the owner would be out. This didn't work, since we'd already given our notice, and had to be out of our rental house by the end of October, since it was rerented. We went into panic mode, and agreed to purchase a 25 acre piece of my husbands family farm, and went to work taking a hay field to a homestead in about 30 days. There were no utilities on the property, so we had to get all of those put in and find a home quick! We got everything done, and moved into our home in about 30 days. During those 30 days, I finished packing our rental house, not to mention running back and forth from the rental to our farm, trying to keep up with 2 kids, and making trips during the day for supplies needed to get everything ready at the farm. We found a cheap manufactured home that was all original, and were able to purchase it,"as-is". While it is a great home, it was a 1989 model, had never had any remodeling done, and honestly...my family has too much crap! So, the lack of closets and storage has kept many things in boxes, even to this day. There wasn't anywhere to go with it, and it wasn't items we wanted to get rid of. So, 1 year ago, we started a massive remodeling project. The entire house, top to bottom, including new furnace. While I know the appraisal value of our home, as it sits, and can only guess what it will be once all the remodeling is done...it's a damned headache! MOST of the indoor remodeling, I can do myself. I have not problem with that, and have been doing what I can. The electrical is not something I deal with. So, occasionally, I do need help. We aren't even half way done with the inside and already I am regretting even trying!

In addition to this massive remodel, I am trying to finish my medical transcription editing certification, get the kids through their remaining school work, keep up with my daughters dance class, my sons blacksmith courses, my husband and son hunting all the time, keep up with meals, laundry, remember appointments, and keep up with family and friends. I bust my butt to allow time in our hectic schedules for fun, but frankly, that is at the very bottom of my list! I have had 1 weekend in the past 17 years that was basically just for me. And that weekend, was just a couple of weeks ago with my little sister. Even then, I still had chores to do, and we had to eat. I spent 5 days with my mom, to help with whatever I could while she was running to and from the nursing home with my grandfather and running my niece and nephew all over creation. That was the first time, I have allowed myself to do what I felt was right for MANY years. I became a wife & a Mom, and all my focus became about my kids. Although, I believe to some degree, I have so focused on being a decent wife, and a good Mom, that I not only forgot me but I forgot to take care of me. I love being with my family, but I never allow myself to take time to be a daughter, sister, friend, or just enjoy the ease of being me. I guilt myself into allowing what everyone else needs to come before my own needs. I don't voice my needs/wants so I don't get disappointed when I let them fall by the wayside, because someone else needs/wants something. I don't allow myself to say, "hey guys, I need help," because then I just get angry when I don't get it. I get angry, but usually the wrong people are on the receiving end, when things don't go as I feel they should. I get after my kids and my husband, when things are going wrong or don't go as I need them to. When in reality, I only have a right to be angry at myself. Others can not possible know or be expected to know, what I need or want when I hope that they will pay as much attention to me as I do them. I can not expect others to treat me, the way I try to treat them, because that's just not how the game is played anymore. While I try to always be respectful, rarely do I ever take what I need, I always try to mind my own business and keep more controversial remarks to myself, always put my kids and husband first....it's not usually reciprocated. I do get angry with my family, sometimes they get a little too self-centered for my taste. Usually though, they get the brunt of the anger I have with myself, and that I have allowed myself to become a person who just exists, and gets through each day with as few of scratches as I can.

Herein lies the problem, as I see it. I am angry with myself and it is filtering into every aspect of my life. I am in a rut, I am angry with myself for not being who I want to be. I am angry with myself for not using the back bone I have to voice my needs and wants, while everyone around me does and gets what they want/need. I am angry that I allowed myself to settle for less than I deserve. While I am 100% certain that my family will always come first, I need to voice my needs/wants to them, without cowering to an argument, disagreement or concern for what extended family will think. I have always been the "responsible one," and that will not change. It's who I am, but I need to hold myself accountable for myself too. I can't expect my family to know my needs/wants without voicing them. I can't expect them to pick up on hints, or to notice when I flustered or floundering around to know that is the time I need peace. I can't expect them to understand that when they all come at me from different directions, with different moods, that they overwhelm me. As a sensitive person, my moods change when the moods around me change. Sometimes, I need to just soak in my tub with the candles lit, scream into a pillow, go for a walk, meet up with a friend and have coffee or a drink and just be. Sometimes, I just need to sit in my chair, and read uninterrupted. Sometimes, I need yell to get my point across and I hate that! While I don't cry often, I wish I could, just to cleanse my mind.

We all have an opportunity, each day, to begin fresh. A new beginning to make things the way we want them to be. While I have become too timid for my own good, I need to work on me. I need to get past this anger, and move on. I know that I did not become this way overnight, and it won't change overnight, I know that I need to. I can not become the best person I can be, without getting beyond this angry/doormat person. It's time for me to allow myself to speak up, not cower down from disagreements just to keep the peace. It's time for me to be me, without apology.

I know the past 2 years have been years of re-finding or re-inventing myself, however you want to voice that, but there are parts of my being that are what they are. I don't want go from responsible Mom, to crazy cat lady, but I want to be the best Mom, wife, daughter, sister, and friend possible. I want to be able to find my peace again, not stress over stuff I can not change on my own, and I want to be able to just be me without repercussions for not being the person everyone else thinks I should be.

I am working on me! I am working toward my goals, and accepting what I can not change, and working towards changing what I can. There's no better place to begin, than with right here with myself. I can not change anyone else! I can just change the way I react, or respond to what goes on around me.

~Working Towards My Goals!~
~Sal~