Puzzle pieces and seasons of life.

noun - ap·pre·hen·sion \ˌa-pri-ˈhen(t)-shən\
Definition of APPREHENSION

suspicion or fear especially of future evil : foreboding



Apprehension is a term I have become familiar with over the past couple of years. I'm not proud of this, but it is what it is. I am your typical "Control Freak." I need to have a feeling of control in all aspects of my life, in order to feel less overwhelmed. When there are areas that I feel I have no control over, I get stressed and become overwhelmed. I have discovered my need for "me" time, the last couple of years, is in direct effect of the overwhelming feeling of having no control. I have become extremely apprehensive when it comes to life, in general. Everything from my personal life to the world, in general, has scared me.

Raising 2 children, who are my entire world, causes me fear. These 2 little people depend on me, they are going to grow in life looking at the examples I am setting. I do not want them to ever feel that using their own minds to live, is wrong. Yet, I can't live the life I want; using my own mind, thoughts, values. I want them to explore their interests without all the drama and cliques of public educated children. I am teaching them how to think, not what to think. However, these 2 little people in my life, can be completely draining! The oldest, now a teenager, has a lot of the teenage drama that every parent deals with. Everything from bodily changes, to issues with friends, noticing the opposite sex, and in our case; dealing with livestock, hunting, and having outside influences negating how our family has chosen to live. The oldest is more laid back, easier going, has a temper that flares and then is done, has a heart of gold that always wants to help others, and a very level head. The youngest, is a complete opposite! A complete free-spirit, high strung, very demanding, a temper that comes on out of no where and gets very angry very quick. The youngest is the type to smile, while turning your entire world on its head. I tend to struggle with the youngest, as we are complete opposites. While I need peace and quiet, my youngest goes at everything with not only a strong spirit, but also very loudly.

Being married is a constant effort. Anytime you take 2 people, brought up completely different, with different goals, values, thoughts and needs; there are going to be issues. You can't throw 2 people together and expect everything to turn up roses! Marriage, to me, is a constant effort, a constant work in progress and takes both people giving 100% to make it work and keep it going. Many times, it's one or the other that feels they are giving everything they have to give and it's still not enough. There are times that even both people giving it their all, isn't enough. As the saying goes, "sometimes, life happens," and it comes between the people no matter how much love there is. Sometimes, life happens, and too many issues drive wedges and cause ruts to keep those people on different planes. With all the hills and valleys that have occurred in my own marriage, there have been many times that life happening, has driven a wedge for awhile. There are also what I have come to know as seasons, in every marriage. I know, my religious friends will not like this thought, but these seasons happen and people change. When we take our vows on our wedding day, we vow to love, honor, and cherish our partners until "death do us part." These vows, to me, seem to be a false pretense. Every single one of us changes. We grow, change our thinking, as we get older. We can not be expected to always stay rooted to the place we are when we marry. Yes, I believe many of us, got married thinking we found our "forever love," and many of us do! However, statistics show, that's usually not the case. While I do believe many people have become far to independent, judgmental, or whatever you wish to call it...and can marry or divorce with too much ease; some take these seasons of marriage, and learn to understand them. The key is that married people either learn, grow and change together or if they don't - they divorce. I have become very negative about marriage. I have seen so many good relationships, and friendships, ruined by marriage. I have seen people who are smart, fun, interesting, and so in love; become so hateful to those they once loved. I am a firm believer that friendship is required to keep any marriage alive. However, sometimes, that friendship is all that can remain intact. As we go through the seasons of marriage, and our individual persons change, we need to understand these changes, and accept that each season is meant to learn from. From the experience as a child from a divorced home to my experience of being divorced, I can't understand the hatred that some people, who once loved each other, can throw around. Honestly, in my eyes, if you cared enough about someone to marry them, you have no right to degrade them or hate them. Yes, you can dislike them, you can even tell them how they screwed up, but to bad mouth them, or have such an intense hatred of them is wrong. While I can not go into all the details of my parents divorce, I can tell you the after effects on this child, was and is ugly! As a woman, who has been divorced, I can tell you; I have no ill-will on my ex-husband. I valued his friendship, and at the time, I loved him and wanted to be married to him. When it didn't last, I didn't hate him for whatever issues we had, I still wanted his friendship, I just couldn't be married to him. The same goes for any of the relationships I had. I liked something about each of them, and they were just what I wanted at the time. However, each of them was a season. My own marriage now, is no different. It's a season too. While we have worked hard, together to keep this marriage growing, telling you that it will last forever, would be not real smart. I can't know if it will last forever, I can't know if at one season or another, we won't be able to grow together. While I love our relationship, even the differences, there will always be one issue or another, that comes from being 2 separate people. While the season I am currently in is working, it will take constant effort to keep it working. I value our friendship, and do hope that we can weather any storm, we just have no way of seeing into the future. We have no way of predicting a future that can change hourly. As each relationship must weather these storms and seasons, we need to understand that while we wish we could stay who we are on our wedding day, it's just not realistic.

This brings me to yet another piece of life, one that I don't deal with myself, but one that seems to be plentiful. Jealousy. What a horrible way to live!!! This is not something I have dealt with for a good many years, not since my first marriage to be precise. It's not something I understand anymore. I have a great deal of respect for myself, and a mile-wide independent streak that have me thinking, "if the person I am with wants someone else so badly, more power to them. I won't stand in their way!" If you see someone who is attractive and you don't look, to me you are not human! If the person you are with points out an attractive person, who cares! Seriously, if you are so insecure that you are jealous of the person you are with noticing someone else, you have the issue. I know affairs happen, we see it in our politicians and I have seen many relationships end because of them, but honestly, if an affair happens; then there are underlying issues in your relationship to begin with. If the "green-eyed monster" is part of your relationship, it's time to fix yourself. Jealously/insecurity, is such a wasted emotion. It's such a waste of time. Honestly, this may be where one of the seasons of life, I mentioned early, comes into play. I really believe that some relationships are meant to be only friendships, but we try to take them beyond their intents. We develop such great friendships with someone, and love spending time with them but then we take it a step further, and marry them. Sometimes, this last step just destroys the entire base of the relationship you have built. Myself, I had this storybook thought about what a relationship should be, about the way a relationship should go, and how 2 people in a relationship should behave. Let me tell you, I am STILL learning about this whole relationship thing.

I grew up with some pretty conflicting relationship examples. I saw 2 sets of grandparents with different relationships, while each had their share of issues, they both seemed to be good in their own ways. I grew up with parents that fought/argued continually it seamed. I think deep down they cared about each other, but their seasons of life were on different planes that didn't ever seem to match. Myself, I went through relationships with cheating, physical and verbal abuse, lack of respect, and being taken for granted. While all that seems to harsh, each was a learning experience that made me grow into the independent woman I became. It also shaped the way I believed. I haven't ever really believed in the whole "fairytale" thing. I learned very early in life that fairy tales, are a waste of time. They just don't happen...and if you believe you have a fairy tale, you are probably living a lie! I have learned that no matter what season your relationship is in, there are always people in your life that will mean the world to you, even if that isn't your spouse. However, that does NOT mean that your relationship is in a danger zone, it does mean you are willing to admit that your heart has room to care for many people, in many different ways! Growing up, as I did, with many examples of relationships, has given me a unique insight. I can not singularly lump relationships. As I see relationships, they are multiple pieces of the same puzzle. Each piece has to be put together to make a complete puzzle. Without each and every piece, you are left with holes, and you can not get a complete picture.

The puzzle and seasons of life, can span so many different areas. Each piece of your unique puzzle, must be made exactly for for you. While you may interchange some pieces when you have a relationship, the overall puzzle is yours alone. You must put the pieces together. You must decide whom you're going to interchange those pieces with, you must decide whether your interchanged pieces remain for each season of your life, and if they don't you must be wise enough to understand that if the seasons change and can no longer remain interchanged, it's not the end of the world. Our puzzles, that are our lives, are truly singular. These may change paths, may have hills and valleys that stretch your patience and will, but we have to learn from each of these. We have to learn, not blame others. We have to accept that we each have personalities that sometimes agree with another person, and sometimes...they don't. It doesn't do anyone any good to blame someone else for the problems in their lives. Learn from your own mistakes, your own uniqueness, your own feelings and move on. In all relationships, it takes 2 to tango! I have learned that the phrase, "hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me;" it means so much more. I don't care if it's physical, mental, verbal or otherwise...being hurt is not acceptable in any relationship. Whether you are hurt through violence, through negative words, hurt by adultery, hurt by being taken for granted, or hurt by your own lack of interest in a relationship; NONE of these are acceptable. None of these will allow you to become the person you are intended to become. When there is hurt in any relationship, there is a piece of your puzzle missing somewhere. You must learn, and allow yourself to change the season.

So many experiences, allow us to see ourselves for who we are. We are either the demanding, materialistic, high-maintenance or egocentric people. We may be too willing to try to change to be someone elses idea of who we should be, or we may fall somewhere in the middle. We may change to fit others idea of who we should be for awhile, only to become resentful of not being able to be who we really want to be. As I said earlier, we each have seasons of life that cause us to change. We must be willing to explore the changes we need to grow, and if you're in a relationship, sometimes those seasons match and sometimes they don't. Some seasons, even if not matched, can work together. However, some can not.

As I piece together my own puzzle, I am learning. Learning from mistakes, learning from necessity or choosing to learn to lessen the hills and valleys; I am working on my own puzzle. I am piecing it together to match the seasons of my life, as best as I can. Anyone who has put together a puzzle knows, these things can be a real pain! The colors, shapes and blip of picture on the pieces, can throw you off as to where it should go. Eventually, though, all the pieces will fall together and each piece is specifically made to fit into a specific spot. Patience is not a virtue I was blessed with, so occasionally, the danged puzzles frustrate me. As with the seasons of our lives, sometimes you just need to step away, take a deep breath, clear your head and then return to it, once you have calmed.

Puzzle pieces and the seasons of life, can be aggravating and frustrating. Sometimes, we allow the materialistic lives we live to dictate how our puzzles look at seasons of our lives. Many times, we allow the green-eyed monster to give us a perception that isn't accurate, and throws a huge storm into whatever life season we are in. For some, the exploration of their own season of life, leads to making a decision that can undo a season of relationships. As I have experienced in my parents relationships, exploring and trying to find your missing puzzle piece, sometimes leads to finding someone else as a means of trying to find your own season. Yes, it's not ideal, and can cause some emotional turmoil for a relationship or even cause it to end. Honestly, who are we to judge someone else for trying to find all their puzzle pieces? Who are we to determine if those people are right, wrong or worthy of our respect? Yes, the seasons of life can be hurtful, when the seasons change for one person and not the other, but how are people to grow from always remaining the same? While I have seen the anger from this, and if you're willing to dissect it just a bit, there is an underlying hurt that stems from the seasons of one life changing and not including the other.

Society has become extremely judgmental of each other. We judge people based on their clothing, their religious affirmations, their homes, vehicles, how they raise their children, their geographic locations, we judge their choices and so much more. When we quit judging each other, and start to accept that what is working for one person, is their own puzzle; we can grow as a society. When we start accepting that each of us has a puzzle to piece together and our own seasons of life change, we can begin to accept ourselves without fear of negativity. We need to be empowering each other to grow and find all our missing puzzle pieces; instead of hindering the natural process. We need to stop interfering in other lives, since our own lives will never be perfect. "When you live in a glass house, you should NOT throw stones!"

My own puzzle has pieces out of place, missing and/or undiscovered. My own seasons of life are in perpetual motion. My own perceived way through the hills and valleys of life, are constantly changing. However, THEY ARE MINE to learn and grow from. They are not decisions, judgments or unverifiable rules for someone else to control. THEY ARE MINE! It is my task on this big rock in the universe to piece this all together, to grow from each dip and dive in life. It my life to make each season, work for me. Not any one else, not society, not a neighbor or family member....MINE! Just as your life is yours to piece together. We are all giant quilts, piecing together as many pieces as we can.

Finding our puzzle pieces through the seasons of our life,
Salli