Working on myself.

February has graced us with a fairly large snow storm to start us off. January ended with rain/snow and when we woke up on February first, with snow still falling, we had about 8-10 inches of snow on the ground. I know March usually has the analogy with the lion and lamb, but February came barreling in like a lion! We experienced our first major power outage since we have lived on our farm, lasting about 6 hours. I was not prepared for the extended outage, and that really upset me. I really dislike being unprepared.

I'm guessing that most of my naturalistic friends would tell me that the retrograde of the moon is to blame for this unease/restlessness that I am struggling with. Others have told me that it's just the "Winter blahs!" While January wasn't too bad, I have had this real restless energy off and on for awhile again. While I am an avid researcher, Psychology just doesn't seem to provide much help. As a highly sensitive/intuitive person, I tend to pay attention to my "gut instincts. I tend to pay attention when something doesn't feel or seem "right." Something has been gnawing at me for awhile, and I just can't seem to grasp what it is.

My temperament has gotten pretty short, my patience(while never real good!)has been even shorter, my tolerance is gone, I am sick of hearing, from myself and others, "I'm just too busy!" I'm tired of working myself to death, only to hear how much everyone else is doing, and having them look down on me. I'm tired of constantly feeling inadequate, constantly feeling like I'm being taken for granted, and never getting any sort of recognition(for lack of a better word) for everything I do. I push myself beyond most of my own limitations, more times than not, to prove a point. I refuse to be 100% dependent on anyone, the proverbial walls I keep around myself-are at an all time high. I bust my ass and have a calender that is full, so that everything is remembered, but God forbid I forget something! I have found my restlessness gets worse the longer I try to ignore it.

I read another blog today about accepting your emotions, voicing your thoughts, working through what you can, but not letting them take hold. Well, as much as I used to be the person that voiced every thought, every emotion and feeling; I can not be anymore. I have become too rutted in my circumstances, to concerned with keeping peace, and too emotionally exhausted to fight for what I want. You see, for the better part of 5 years, we have lived out of boxes, dealt with clutter and been completely disorganized. Before we moved to our farm, we were trying to get a smaller acreage of ground that had a house already on it. We looked at the property in late 2010 and agreed to purchase it with the agreement that we would finalize all paperwork in August of 2011, since the owner wanted to find something else to invest in right away. So, we started sorting and packing our possessions as we could. That started all the chaos. We told the owner of our rental house we would be out by September of 2011, so he could get someone in there before Winter. August came and went, and the end of September we were told it would be around November or the first of the year before the owner would be out. This didn't work, since we'd already given our notice, and had to be out of our rental house by the end of October, since it was rerented. We went into panic mode, and agreed to purchase a 25 acre piece of my husbands family farm, and went to work taking a hay field to a homestead in about 30 days. There were no utilities on the property, so we had to get all of those put in and find a home quick! We got everything done, and moved into our home in about 30 days. During those 30 days, I finished packing our rental house, not to mention running back and forth from the rental to our farm, trying to keep up with 2 kids, and making trips during the day for supplies needed to get everything ready at the farm. We found a cheap manufactured home that was all original, and were able to purchase it,"as-is". While it is a great home, it was a 1989 model, had never had any remodeling done, and honestly...my family has too much crap! So, the lack of closets and storage has kept many things in boxes, even to this day. There wasn't anywhere to go with it, and it wasn't items we wanted to get rid of. So, 1 year ago, we started a massive remodeling project. The entire house, top to bottom, including new furnace. While I know the appraisal value of our home, as it sits, and can only guess what it will be once all the remodeling is done...it's a damned headache! MOST of the indoor remodeling, I can do myself. I have not problem with that, and have been doing what I can. The electrical is not something I deal with. So, occasionally, I do need help. We aren't even half way done with the inside and already I am regretting even trying!

In addition to this massive remodel, I am trying to finish my medical transcription editing certification, get the kids through their remaining school work, keep up with my daughters dance class, my sons blacksmith courses, my husband and son hunting all the time, keep up with meals, laundry, remember appointments, and keep up with family and friends. I bust my butt to allow time in our hectic schedules for fun, but frankly, that is at the very bottom of my list! I have had 1 weekend in the past 17 years that was basically just for me. And that weekend, was just a couple of weeks ago with my little sister. Even then, I still had chores to do, and we had to eat. I spent 5 days with my mom, to help with whatever I could while she was running to and from the nursing home with my grandfather and running my niece and nephew all over creation. That was the first time, I have allowed myself to do what I felt was right for MANY years. I became a wife & a Mom, and all my focus became about my kids. Although, I believe to some degree, I have so focused on being a decent wife, and a good Mom, that I not only forgot me but I forgot to take care of me. I love being with my family, but I never allow myself to take time to be a daughter, sister, friend, or just enjoy the ease of being me. I guilt myself into allowing what everyone else needs to come before my own needs. I don't voice my needs/wants so I don't get disappointed when I let them fall by the wayside, because someone else needs/wants something. I don't allow myself to say, "hey guys, I need help," because then I just get angry when I don't get it. I get angry, but usually the wrong people are on the receiving end, when things don't go as I feel they should. I get after my kids and my husband, when things are going wrong or don't go as I need them to. When in reality, I only have a right to be angry at myself. Others can not possible know or be expected to know, what I need or want when I hope that they will pay as much attention to me as I do them. I can not expect others to treat me, the way I try to treat them, because that's just not how the game is played anymore. While I try to always be respectful, rarely do I ever take what I need, I always try to mind my own business and keep more controversial remarks to myself, always put my kids and husband first....it's not usually reciprocated. I do get angry with my family, sometimes they get a little too self-centered for my taste. Usually though, they get the brunt of the anger I have with myself, and that I have allowed myself to become a person who just exists, and gets through each day with as few of scratches as I can.

Herein lies the problem, as I see it. I am angry with myself and it is filtering into every aspect of my life. I am in a rut, I am angry with myself for not being who I want to be. I am angry with myself for not using the back bone I have to voice my needs and wants, while everyone around me does and gets what they want/need. I am angry that I allowed myself to settle for less than I deserve. While I am 100% certain that my family will always come first, I need to voice my needs/wants to them, without cowering to an argument, disagreement or concern for what extended family will think. I have always been the "responsible one," and that will not change. It's who I am, but I need to hold myself accountable for myself too. I can't expect my family to know my needs/wants without voicing them. I can't expect them to pick up on hints, or to notice when I flustered or floundering around to know that is the time I need peace. I can't expect them to understand that when they all come at me from different directions, with different moods, that they overwhelm me. As a sensitive person, my moods change when the moods around me change. Sometimes, I need to just soak in my tub with the candles lit, scream into a pillow, go for a walk, meet up with a friend and have coffee or a drink and just be. Sometimes, I just need to sit in my chair, and read uninterrupted. Sometimes, I need yell to get my point across and I hate that! While I don't cry often, I wish I could, just to cleanse my mind.

We all have an opportunity, each day, to begin fresh. A new beginning to make things the way we want them to be. While I have become too timid for my own good, I need to work on me. I need to get past this anger, and move on. I know that I did not become this way overnight, and it won't change overnight, I know that I need to. I can not become the best person I can be, without getting beyond this angry/doormat person. It's time for me to allow myself to speak up, not cower down from disagreements just to keep the peace. It's time for me to be me, without apology.

I know the past 2 years have been years of re-finding or re-inventing myself, however you want to voice that, but there are parts of my being that are what they are. I don't want go from responsible Mom, to crazy cat lady, but I want to be the best Mom, wife, daughter, sister, and friend possible. I want to be able to find my peace again, not stress over stuff I can not change on my own, and I want to be able to just be me without repercussions for not being the person everyone else thinks I should be.

I am working on me! I am working toward my goals, and accepting what I can not change, and working towards changing what I can. There's no better place to begin, than with right here with myself. I can not change anyone else! I can just change the way I react, or respond to what goes on around me.

~Working Towards My Goals!~
~Sal~