Escaping my comfort zone.

Sometimes you are pushed beyond your level of comfort and forced, if you will, to face what you are unsure of. For some this may include a new job, starting a family, starting a new relationship, relocating, or as simple as taking on new projects/chores in your home. I say simply, and am laughing! There is nothing simple when you are pushed out of your comfort zone! Life looks a little scary when you step out of your comfort zone and have to do/try something new.

My own experience with being pushed out of my comfort zone has happened many times and each time I find a new level of enlightenment. Each trip outside my comfort zone becomes such a learning experience and a dawn of realization. For a few years now, my life has been a bit of an extreme. Between moving to a small farm/homestead, to having live stock to tend to, to growing a couple of huge gardens, to starting all over with a toddle/young child, to dealing with teenage drama, to trying to understand my own changing life/body of menopause. It's been a constant trek outside my comfort zone, and the realization that sometimes it's all, a bit overwhelming. I have also come to the understanding that, while I am a creature of habit, and dread those moments spent outside my comfort zone, I need that push occasionally.

Many of us become a creature of habit. We get our schedules and routines worked out, and find comfort in getting through each day with those schedules intact. We find comfort in knowing what is going to happen, what time everything is going to take place, and with whom we will be interacting. We "thrive" on being precise. I believe to some degree we are all procrastinating perfectionists. We know what needs to be done in our regular schedules/routines, and we learn to do them to perfection - usually while complaining about the hum-drum of "nothing new ever happens." However, when it comes to actually doing something new, we are full of restraint, and can procrastinate away the new experience.

For me, taking on a new project, challenge, chore or even a job; usually is met with a whole lot of anxiety, cussing, and reasons why I should not be doing whatever is thrown at me. It ends up overwhelming me for a day or two, while I readjust my thoughts, and accept that it is whatever it is! Usually, within a day or two...sometimes three :), I can get into the project and do it to the best of my ability without so much grumbling. I believe that during times of having to step outside your comfort zone, is when you find your true authentic self: at least to some degree.

A quick back story: My family moved around, A LOT, when I was a kid. I'm talking I was in 6 different schools over the course of as many years. I was young and even though having to meet new kids was always a challenge...I always adapted. I actually took pride in being able to adapt, make new friends, and just keep growing. The whole experience of moving around when I was younger, actually continued until I got married. From the time I graduated high school, until my first child was born, I was always ready to move on. I got bored staying in one location, and was always ready for my next adventure. Whether it was changing homes, cities, or even my move to Missouri. I still have such fond affection for each place I have ever lived, but I would grow restless and bored with the "same ole, same ole," and it was time to move on. Once I had my oldest child, I had this crazy idea that a child should live and grow up in one home, one location, and be able to put down some sort of roots. That is not easy when you rent homes, or early on when we weren't in the school district that we wanted to be in, which turned out to be a bad change for us...thus, we now home school. Anyway, after moving to change school districts and wanting to help my family, a home to get in a hurry with more problems that any fit home should have, living in a home for a few weeks to find the owners kid was stealing from us, to living multiple years in a few homes, we bought the farm/homestead we now live on. Each change, each move, and each new home became harder and harder for me to adapt to. The last move, to our farm, has been the hardest for me. It has given me the most anxiety, the most fear, and the most restless feeling yet.

In January, my husband and my son went on a hunting adventure to southern Missouri; about 6 hours south of us. I offered to take on the chores while my husband's step-father kept our furnace filled with wood. It wasn't too bad, since I had my sister here for the weekend and she seemed to be thrilled to help. I had someone to talk with, help with the chores, and being a little scared being out so far alone, I had company. Even though my project list, that weekend, went by the wayside, it was nice. This month, the boys took off again. This time leaving the chores, but I had my young daughter with me. The entire thought had me screaming, in my head, DO NOT LEAVE ME ALONE WITH MORE THAN I CAN HANDLE! Unfortunately, sometimes, my husband has more faith in me, than I have in myself. He told me, "you can handle it." I was thinking, "you are out of your ever-loving-mind!" Needless to say, he was right. I did handle it, while maybe not to my own satisfaction, I did do it. I did handle it. I did what had to be done, and everything is still alive to prove it! ;) Let me tell you, this last weekend of them being away, had me feeling like my world had been turned upside down! There weren't any more/less chores, I did have my daughter with me but being so young...she is VERY demanding. I didn't have the adult conversations of the last time I was alone. I had my little one yelling, "MOM" every two seconds for 5 days without a reprieve of adult conversation, or time to just breath. I had a shadow the whole time. I couldn't take a shower or go to the bathroom without my shadow, and she was NOT going to do outside, in the cold to do chores with me. The newness of doing the chores wore off the first day! By the 3rd day, I had it under control! I had a few more bearings about me, and felt more empowered. I had a really bad day the 2nd day of this trip and I was in tears by the time I fell asleep. It was the worst day I have had in a long time. The next morning, I had made up mind that there wasn't anything that was going to beat me! I had a burst of determination, independence or whatever it may have been...I was on a mission to prove to myself I could conquer the very things I was terrified of the day before. The very gigantic leap out of my comfort zone, was NOT going to beat me. I found my old, fiesty-spirit, and it made a whole world of difference. Even though I did find that I was still craving adult conversation, I felt more like the old me. I adapted, settled, and did what I had to do....and you know what, I even enjoyed most of it. I had the short time each morning, and evening during chores when my daughter would stay inside, to get chores done, and it was fairly quiet. Then the few minutes when I would take my dog out, were a few more minutes of complete quiet. By the fourth day, although upset that the boys were snowed in, it wasn't as upsetting as maybe it should have been. I wanted them safe, so them staying an extra day made sense, and I was relieved they used their common sense. I didn't mind keeping up with their chores, my chores and my projects.

I found comfort in knowing that I was capable of still taking care of myself. After so many years of being married, being a full-time mom, and not working enough outside of home the past 16 years to account for much, I have been feeling a whole lot restless. I have a healthy confidence level, but have noticed getting more and more overwhelmed when too many new things are thrown at me. I know it's been an ongoing comment in my house, that all this "over-emotional stuff," is because of menopause, but I can assure you it's more about feeling restless. Restless energy has taken hold of me, and until I find a way to relieve it, it will not ease. I've been through this more times than I care to count, but I'm told that I am suppose to settle down as I get older, and be happy with what I have, yada-yada. Here's the thing; I have settled, for a whole lot LESS that I ever wanted, I am happy with what I have but I want MORE, the older I get the more unsettled I feel. I feel like life is moving so fast that I can't even breath. I want to do so many things, show my kids so much, and unfortunately, time and finances are not only holding me back...but have forced me to come to a complete stop. I have ultimately settled into a 1950's role of a Mom and wife, and while I love my roles, I want more. I think that is the bottom line to this restless energy: I want more.

To have more, means making yet another leap outside my comfort zone. Will it scare me? Hell YES! Can I do it? Without a doubt! The biggest "light bulb moment," for me so far in 2015, as been the 2 hunting trips my husband and son have taken. It's proven to me that not only am I capable, but also that I am strong, I am competent, I am still adaptable, and once I make up my mind - I CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING I set my mind to do! While I will continue to run around doing my Mommy/Wifely duties, it's time for Salli to be Salli without the comfort zone limitations, without the self-doubting, without the fear of what anyone else will think and most of all without the fear. The "Salli" I was before wearing so many hats of different roles, wasn't so uptight or overwhelmed. Every new adventure was met head-on with the excitement of a new adventure...instead of the dread of "OMG!, how am I going to handle this!" I'm not going to handle things anymore. I am going to do what I have to do, and make time to do what I need to do - FOR ME!

I believe when you have been a doormat for so long, that it will take some by surprise, when you decide that your comfort zone really isn't so comfortable. Yes, you have the comfort of knowing what's going to happen and when, you know that, for example, pay day is Friday, you have an appointment on a certain day, you work 8-5 and by 5:05 you are off to your vehicle and done for the day. You become comfortable with the everyday mundane routines. You become someone too passive to actively change the ruts you are riding through life in. As I say about the area we live in, "it's been done the same way for years, why change now," has become a philosophy for so many - myself included! You live in the same area for years, because that's just how it is. You have the same job for years, it's comfortable even though you are being taken for granted. You quit doing the very things that make YOU happy, because someone finds it to be unacceptable at your age. So many times, we get into a habit of doing things/saying things/behaving a certain way, that those around us believe we are losing our minds when we decide we need a change. Myself, I see making changes a necessity. While it usually causes us to leave our comfort zones, it also allows us the opportunity to grow.

By escaping our comfort zones; we give ourselves the opportunity to explore. Whether our exploring gives light to a new found passion, or a new paint color for our living room walls...we grow, we learn and we adapt. It will be scary to jump out of our comfort zones! It may take a few days or weeks to adapt, but think of the excitement you will feel when you have conquered whatever quest you are on! Think of the empowerment you will feel, knowing that you took the leap of faith, and succeeded! Think of the confidence boost you will get knowing - "you came, you saw, you conquered!" Think of the thrill you will have running through your veins being able to say, "I GOT THIS!"

For many of us, escaping our comfort zones have been established more as a protective barrier. Yes, this includes me. By establishing a comfort zone, I don't have to worry about being hurt, let down, criticized, or of failing. Is this healthy? Probably not! Myself, I have this comfort zone that keeps me out of the public eye in a small area that spreads rumors like warm jelly. This comfort zone of mine, keeps everyone at arms length so there aren't ties that bind should my relationship ever head south. Allowing myself to stay in these ruts of comfort keeps me from realizing how much more is really out there to experience. When you stay out of the mainstream of life, you don't feel like so much is lacking. You don't have the constant push of restlessness....until you are so far beyond restless, that your mind and body begin scream for attention. You don't have to step out of your comfort zone to just get through each day, you can run on auto pilot for that, and you don't have to really feel much of anything.

For me, everything above fits to a tee. The past few years, that restless feeling has been screaming, and getting louder all the time! I keep hearing the same words: You want more, why aren't you doing something about it? What are you waiting for...jump on that opportunity. Why won't you say what you really think and feel? Where the heck did your backbone go???? Why are you not stepping up to the plate and being the strong, independent, capable and dependable person that you know you are?! Most importantly, I keep hearing; after everything you have fought through, been through, experienced, and seen...WHY are you allowing exactly what you said you would never allow? The only answer I can give right now is I don't know! I wish I did! I wish I could just flip some imaginary switch, and all the answers would be in front of me, and I would automatically just be the "more" I need to be to feel whole. That switch is just like fairy tales...NONEXISTENT! That doesn't mean I'll give up, it just means that I need to work on myself and push myself out of this comfort zone/rut I have been in. It means that with each new day, comes a new opportunity to keep pushing myself to the person I want to be, to do the things I want and need to do to curb this restlessness. I means that pushing this bubble I keep myself in, is going to eventually burst, and the switch will have flipped...so to speak. It means that respect, love, care, and commitment will be expected and received or situations and people around me will change. It means the negative self-talk will no longer be heard, or at least acknowledged.

This year, so far, has been quite a rude awakening for my own pschyie. It has reared it's head in a way that I could not have guessed, let alone prepared for. It has proven to me, that there is so much more that I am needing and wanting that I can not let this bubble continue to exist. It's time to get out of this rut/comfort zone, escape if you will, and really start to grow again. It's time to find my happiness, my contentment, my self. I preach and preach about being able to do anything you set your mind to do, yet have neglected to follow my own advice....again! :) So, as my own bubble is about to burst into a million pieces, I am feeling oddly giddy about that! I know, I am laughing and shaking my head as I write this. I have found a few things that I dearly love to do. I have a few hundred hours of schooling to finish so that I will have a means to pay for what I want and need. I have some further education I need to fulfill a pursuit, and be able to do it with an artistic touch. I will have a few of my roles to adjust, moderate, and refocus; but this just means it time to empty out what isn't working and find a path that will work.

Sometimes, you don't realize the comfort zone you've worked yourself into until you are forced out of it. Sometimes, that push will lead to renewed discovery; other times it will push you too far. Either way, it forces you to learn and grow. It forces you to "see the forest through the trees." It may mean something as simple as learning a new skill, or something as extreme as picking up the pieces after life has fallen apart around you. Either way, you learn what you are made of. You learn what you are and are not capable of. Most importantly, you learn and grow! If you are hard-headed as I am, it forces you to step back, and re-evaluate with those crazy "light bulb moments."

It's amazing to me how 9 days out of 39, can have such a drastic effect, but apparently my own mind was finally opened to what has been feeling like a sinking feeling for about 3 years. Maybe that proverbial switch, finally flicked the other direction. No matter what happened, or how, the mechanics of it aren't the case. It's the calmness that came over me, knowing that what I want, and what I need are just as important as everyone else's. That the lack, I have been feeling for so long, doesn't have to stick around, and the only one capable of jumping out of this rut, is ME! While it was rather heavenly to be able to stay in my lounge clothes until 7:30 this morning, I know that there is absolutely nothing, I can't do if I set my mind to it!

I know keeping people at arms length is a defense mechanism I learned as a child, won't change anytime soon. It's just a part of who I am. I also know, that being the difficult, hard-to-love, not to mention live with, person I am; would be so much less if I wasn't always feeling so restless. I know that my inability to trust most tends to keep me to myself, the older I get. I also know that my need for getting out, away from our home, and among other adults; is what keeps me grounded. I have had more than enough life experiences to keep me timid, but I refuse to let some shit luck be used as a crutch. It's time to chalk those experiences up to lesson learned, don't allow it again, and move on! It's time to quit expecting others to treat me with respect when I don't treat myself with enough respect.

I am a strong person; both emotionally and physically, for no bigger than I am. I have many attributes to offer my family, friends and community. While I am just one small piece of the universe, I can make a difference. Whether it's through my family, writing and sharing, my cooking, my furniture building, or the simple act of friendship. It's time to put the pieces of myself back together, get out of this damned comfort zone that controls so much of society, and step up to the plate! Each of us has a small piece of the universe to claim as our own, don't let it go to waste by being just half a person! Become whole, and let your own inner light shine!

Shining my light!
Salli