Coffee Chat

It's that time once again. Some coffee chat, the end of the month, and nearing the end of a rainy and gloomy Summer. It's hard to believe what a complete wash out this Summer has been so far. Not a typical year for us, and it has really played havoc on the cabin fever we've experienced. The chaos of living on a small farm, the inconsistency of the weather, gardening, school planning, and trying to finish my own schooling has kept me pretty busy. Not to mention my love of cooking and baking. I have altered and designed some new recipes, tried some new-to-me recipes, and have designed many floor plans and furniture designs.
Now, if I could just take some time to get some pictures done too!

The news outlets have caused me to quit paying attention to it, and honestly the whole business of being politically correct has me fuming! Everyone has become offended everything, people are breaking the law and then crying discrimination to get out of trouble. The economy is bad, morale has sunk lower than I can remember it ever being, jobs are leaving, the jobs being made are offering half the money and no stability. The war of the races, has gotten unmistakeably worse, and I can't help but think our country has reverted 50 years because of self-serving, ignorant, and politically motivated individuals. I get frustrated when I hear of people choosing a political party over the individual person, running for election. I refuse to become a party aligned, conformist. I vote based on the person, their "plans," and the one that doesn't spew a lot of information I can research to find out, afterward is a lie. They all lie, that seems to be politics anymore. Choosing the lesser of the evils is for the birds. I think we finally have one running that has the back bone, isn't afraid of upsetting party lines, and has a workable plan. Although I don't like him and personally think he's a jackass, he's exactly what this country needs right now.

Aside from politics, I think Mother Nature is on a serious roller coaster ride! This year has been wetter than I can remember, for many years. The ground is completely saturated, and has been for many months, so any we rain we get ends up running off and causing flash floods. I haven't even been able to walk through our yard without an inch of water covering my feet for a long time! I am not buying into the global warming hype, but I do believe that the entire planet is in a warming pattern. Throughout history, these weather patterns have effected the Earth. From the ice age through today, these patterns repeat themselves...just as history does. I do know that the current weather patterns are grossly affecting our lives here in Northern Missouri. Farmers have not been able to get most of their crops in, those who have hay ground are unable to get the hay baled, livestock pastures are a muddy mess, and even those that offer services to the farmers are affected by lack of business. It's a vicious circle that doesn't seem to have an end in sight. I'm concerned that this weather pattern will continue throughout Winter, which will bring impassible snow amounts and those of us living in the middle of nowhere, will be depending grocery trips that will have to last months at a time. I have been using this method for quite some time, but the idea of being completely snowed in, does not thrill me.

As someone who cooks/bakes, a lot, I have had to find or reformat recipes and ideas to give some new life to the typical meals in our household. You get burned out with the chicken, pork, beef, and tried and try recipes. So, several years ago, I began experimenting with new ideas. I will tell you that PInterest has been a huge help in new ideas. Although I may try a recipe as written for the first time, I don't usually leave it "as is," the next time around. I have concocted a few recipes from whatever the pantry holds when groceries are running low, and have perfected a homemade bread recipe that has multiple uses. About 6 years ago, after years of health issues for everyone in my family, I made some major dietary changes. I switched to unbleached flour, raw and organic sugar, raw honey and we do not use anything that has been bleached at all. We use raw or organic spices, and grow/raise as much of our own food as possible. Not only has this been monumental in our health issues, it ends up saving us a large amount on our groceries. It does require adjusting most recipes since the unbleached products tend to be less "filling" than the bleached. As someone who has serious allergy issues, having 2 kids with severe allergy issues and a husband who has struggled with psoriasis for years; these changes have knocked out most of the issues and reduced the rest to being controlled without medication. What little illness that affects our household, is manageable with holistic care. As I go through hundreds of recipes each year, I have decided that I really need to catalog them and put them in book form. I have so many recipes, most of them have been used but a few I have not yet gotten to. So, I am making my own cook book, and adding stories along the way. I have been working on this for 3 years and it is still continuing. I love to explore new food ideas, and my family doesn't mind being my guinea pigs! : ) I can't wait to be able to finish this book and may even offer copies for sale if I like the finished product. My kitchen really needs to be bigger to be doing so much but I am making it work for now.

I have spoken of the troubles we had with our local school district many times, and especially since the problems seem to be ongoing. 6 years ago, we had to make a decision how to handle an issue that was not only not handled well by the district and we were given two options on how to fix it. Private school/out of district or home school. We chose the later. We have been home schooling ever since. Each year in June/July I set in and begin planning our school year. We school year round, so that we have plenty of time we can take off for vacations/trips, days when attention spans are short, or when emergencies arise. This allows us just a few hours a day that we have to actually pay attention and focus. Then we have a couple hours each day that help with our requirements by having hands on experiences. Our state requires 1000 hours of schooling, focused on Language Arts, History(Social Studies), Science, and Reading. With the way we work our school year, we usually end up with more than 2000 hours of required work, and about the same in life skills. We teach real life lessons, and find curriculum that coincides with our values/beliefs/ethics. We do not use a Christian education, since most do not fit our life. We do not have any co-ops, or groups in our area that are not religious based; so we use the people and resources we do have available. I believe every child can be intelligent if they are given an opportunity to explore their interests, if they are taught how to think instead of what to think, and firmly believe that our children would benefit greatly from learning from their elders and the elders in their area. Teaching my children, I have seen how different 2 children can be in learning styles. Even though both my kids prefer hands-on learning, my youngest can focus on worksheets and piecing things together, while my oldest would rather find ways to do the same amount of work but in a truly unique way all of his own. My kids are typical kids, they have their attitude issues just like all kids, they have days when they are best left alone, and they have days that they can't do enough to help out. I will tell you, we do not have the constant illnesses being brought home from the germ infested school, we do not have the constant struggle of making sure our child conforms to ridiculous stress of being in school and coming home to hours of homework, and I do not have the stress of worrying if my children will be safe or approached to buy/do drugs. The trade off of a few hours of time away from my kids everyday, is knowing exactly who they are around, exactly what they are learning, and not having to fear some maniac shooting up their school. Yes, I live in a small area but the exact things that happen in cities is possible in our rural areas too. We have sex offenders, we have crazy people, and we do have drugs in our community. I will choose my children's safety every time!

Schooling to me, is something that should continue throughout your life. I attended public schools growing up, and I loved my high school, especially. However, schools today are not what they were twenty-some years ago. There are still plenty of excellent teachers but they are overshadowed by the ones that are not. My teachers in high school, some of them anyway, were amazing. One in particular, taught me so much and to this day, I still love the very subjects he taught. I think I took every class he taught throughout high school. He made learning fun. He made learning, not feel like learning. The one class he taught, was one I have pulled out of my memory to help pull myself out of this 3 year funk. I drew upon those lessons to refocus, and redefine myself. That man was the pinnacle of teaching excellence. While we have 2 great teachers in our family line, neither of them teach in our area...or the grades of our kids. We have come across a couple of great teachers that were in our district but have since left the district or retired. The one retired and began home schooling her own kids. To me, teaching has very little to do with how smart you are, it is more important to teach your kids how to research, ask questions, and explore answers for their passions. They may need guidance for the beginning of reading, math and the basic skills to help them get started, but they need to be given time and space to explore their own minds too.

I began a new education course in April of last year. I decided to find some form of job, that would allow me the opportunity to be home with my children, as they are used to, and still help bring in an extra income. As a planner, I also wanted to get some updated training in the event that we had to change our current life style. So, after talking to my cousin and my husband about options that were available; I chose the path I am on. Little did I know the amount of effort it would take to fit it this learning in, around our lives now. With an original graduation date scheduled for July 27th, I had to request an extension because I was not ready. I am working each day for a few hours, the hours not already accounted for by someone or something else, so I can hopefully finish by the end of August. It has been a struggle trying to learn around the constant noise, to-do lists, projects, and the kids schooling. I have not been able to set boundaries, because honestly, there is just too much constantly going on. I wouldn't know where to begin setting boundaries, let alone to actually set them and have them followed. So, I keep plugging away with the time I can allow for right now. I'm working on a schedule that will give me my work hours, the kids school hours, and time to the other things I need and want to do. It's also a work in progress!

Another subject change, because this is one that has me concerned. The subject of marriage and divorce. To be honest, this one has me scared. There are so many marriages ending in divorce right now, and all of them have been married 15-30 years. The reasoning I am hearing, is all the same..."life is too short to be unhappy." What is going on lately? Since April, I know of over 20 divorces. Yes, believe me when I say, I understand not being happy. I understand losing yourself in your marriage and kids, I understand feeling like there has to be something more out there. I know my own issues. It's a bit startling to have so many, so close together. Not to mention some of the horrible things I have heard said by one or the other parties involved. I understand divorce; I went through it as a child with my parents and again as an adult in my own divorce. I saw how hateful my parents were towards each other, but I could not be hateful to my ex-husband when it just wasn't working. I can not grasp the concept of being ignorant, rude or greedy in a divorce. When there are kids involved, I also do not grasp the concept of bashing the other parent, denying visitation, or not planning to continue raising those kids as their parents. When 2 people are not able to make a marriage work, it's because BOTH people have faults, both people have differing opinions. It does not always mean that one or the other are bad people(although I know this is sometimes the case), it just means they can not live together and their needs/wants/goals have taken different paths. Most of the marriage failures I know of lately, are strictly that. The couples have found different paths that they want to be on, and that path is too different from the original path. Some couples can overcome that, most can not. The common theme lately, is one I can understand too well. "Life is too short to be unhappy." In my life, so far, finding a way to be happy as a couple and in life has been difficult. I think as women, we lose ourselves in so much. We lose ourselves in kids, housework, being taxi's, working, and any number of other activities. By the time we find our kids growing and not needing quite as much...we have lost ourselves enough to not know who we are as individuals, we have lost touch with our spouses, and honestly...we have lost ourselves. The path we may be on during the chaotic time of raising kids and establishing our lives, may not be the path we want to be on once it's established. Yes, life is way too short to be unhappy, and it's too short to not live it to its fullest. We get engrossed into the here and now, and the mundane of establishing a life, but we forget to live. We spread ourselves so thin with all the daily chores, kids, work, and things that will not matter in 6 months and forget to live our lives instead of just existing in them. We run out of steam by the days end and there isn't time or energy left to be a spouse, or to take time on your own away from being a wife, mom, maid, chef or taxi cab. There is nothing left to offer of yourself at the end of each day, and thus, days turn into weeks, turn into years. All of a sudden, you wake up one day to not recognize the reflection in the mirror. You wake up one day, and wonder what has taken so many years of your life, is no longer the direction you want to go. It's not all that difficult to up and change directions, but for some couples, changing directions is not an option. For some couples, when one person is ready for a change, the other not only fights the change but they don't need a change. Even with the common theme running with the divorces I know of, there is yet another common thread. Each of the divorces I know of personally, it's the women that are ready for changes. It's the women that are finding they don't know who the person is starring back from the mirror. As a woman, wife, and mom; I understand, probably too well. My own days run together, and before I know it, weeks and even months have passed me by. My own energy levels have taken a huge hit, trying to be everything to everyone. My own identity has been tossed in a corner and buried beneath the pile of laundry, school work, bills, household chores and trying to keep peace. When I look into a mirror(which I try to avoid!), the person starring back at me looks old, tired, and lost. I had that moment, almost 4 years ago, when I woke up and asked myself, "is there life beyond my family and home." For nearly 4 years, my husband has been a saint putting up with my constant mood swings while I have tried to find out who I am, he has done and tried everything he can to keep our marriage going and keep us on the same path, he has gone out of his way to try to understand the things we talk about. He has stepped outside his comfort zone, more times than I can count, the past 7 years of our marriage. I have mentioned before that I do not believe in forever, but he is my moment. He is doing everything possible to help ease the rocky spot that I am in and we are working together to try to keep our own marriage going. I don't promise that any marriage will last forever, because honestly we only have this moment in time. My own path to rediscovery of myself is mired with guilt while still having kids at home, and not wanting to push them off on anyone or make them feel they are the cause of any problems. I do know this: even if my path takes me a different direction than what I am on, I love my husband and value his friendship. Even if our moment should ever end, it will not be for a lack of trying, nor will the love and friendship ever end. I will not speak badly of my marriage, or my husband and anyone else that does will be put in their place. For now, this moment, we are working together to find paths that work for each of us. We are attempting to reestablish a relationship that is not just parents, but also a couple. It's not easy when the days run together, energy is zapped by the constant laundry, dishes, bills, kids and outside sources. It's difficult looking in the mirror and knowing that life as it is, is not what you had planned or wanted, and not recognizing the person starring back at you. I know life is a series of ebb and flow, and that sometimes we get so busy making a life that we forget how to live. However, even knowing these to be true, it's difficult to get out of such a pattern or rut, if you will. For nearly 17 years, my husband and I have ridden the roller coaster of ebb and flow. We have somehow managed to pull ourselves out of some serious ruts, and each time have become a little stronger together. I am holding on to the thread of hope, that we can continue to build a little stronger with each new rut we face.

With all the divorce cases this year, there is one thing I find rather disturbing. I guess it's not just with the divorces, but in general. It's the constant chatter of things being said, but people that don't have a clue, i.e. Gossip. I know I have spoke of this a lot lately, and there is a reason. Lately, it seems as if the gossip has gotten so bad, it's reaching me...out in the middle of nowhere. I hate gossip. One thing I was taught growing up, was that there is always 2 sides to every story. I have yet to find an inaccuracy with this. You may hear one side of the story, but the flip side of that story is usually recounted differently. Then you have the middle ground where there lays the truth of the matter. As an example: Man says his wife is lazy, unloving, crazy, a horrible housekeeper, and has anger issues. Woman says: I work all day, come home to do laundry, dishes, cook, help kids with homework, and I am exhausted so I sit down. Man goes to his job, comes home, eats, showers, and goes to bed. The middle ground here is: yes, they both have jobs to do, the man isn't helping with housework to ease some of the stress of the woman, so she is tired and wants nothing to do with sex, she probably gets pissed and does go a little crazy when she feels like she is doing everything. So, you can see how the different sides see/feel like they are both right in there assessment. For me, I may hear a rumor, but I always question what led to whatever the supposed rumor is. I have been know to go strait to the horses mouth, and say simply..."I don't need to know, it's not my business, but this is the rumor I heard and I know there is probably more to the story, but I will not be spreading anything, I just thought you should know." It frustrates me when I hear rumors, especially about people I know personally. The rumor mills seem to be working in overdrive anymore. I guess those gossiping have their lives in order, so they have time and energy to waste on ruining someone else's life.

Now, for a bit of humor...using this term lightly! Do you have any idea the mind boggling experience of 25 puzzles, all mixed together, in a bin that is 8" wide and 12" long?! I am experiencing this at this moment. My youngest, in one of her times of a temper melt down, dropped her puzzles on the floor and they all fell out of their bags. She picked up all the pieces and put them into a bin, but now...I am trying to organize and this is one of those mommy frustrations. I love puzzles, and she has developed that love also, but she is still young enough to not really grasp the concept of taking responsibility for these types of situations. So, I began putting puzzles together last night, and sorting puzzle by puzzle. The different sizes in pieces in the beginning wasn't too bad. They were bigger pieces to start with, but then there were some of those horrible 3-d puzzles mixed in. Those things play havoc on my eyes! Now, I am down to hundreds of pieces that are about the size of my pinky fingernail. As I said, I love to put puzzles together, but I am currently dreading all those little pieces! The nice thing about all this puzzle building, is that I will have sorted out these bin drawers, and cleaned them. That will be one clean thing in her room! Since her room is next on the list for remodeling, I think there will be some sorting and pitching in the near future too! Maybe one of these lovely rainy days!

I am venturing into another day. My spirit is rising a little more everyday, I have returned to cooking/baking that I love so much, I am working toward being ready for my first 5K in September, I am getting just a little closer everyday to finishing my schooling, I am finding some areas that still interest me that I had let go of, and I'm building my own path up to being the direction I want to go in each day. I'm finding that there are some areas of inconsistency that I can not handle, but I am working on a resolution. With so many blessings in my life, it's hard not to be thankful.

I hope each of you have a great weekend, and since it's the beginning of August, I hope that the month is kind to each of you. Take some time to enjoy the life you have been working so hard to build.

Salli

Lightening rods, grounding and broken circuits...oh my!

It's amazing how the high vibrations of energy truly is. The frequency that human operate on is so intricate and complex that, to this day, many scientists still don't understand. Yet, we still seem to flounder and judge based on a perception of a reality belonging to someone else. With so much energy, comes a great responsibility. You must allow your own needs to be met, and allow your outer light to shine. If your inner needs are not being met, your outer light can not shine; it will continue to dim until that light is all but gone.

Emotional energy can overwhelm those who are not in tuned with their own "feelings." Those that tend to shut people out, hide their emotions, and/or deny their emotions; will have the most difficult time with the expressions of those emotions. The electromagnetic energy(Vibes) our bodies are made up is what allows us to connect with each other. Those "vibes" are what set each of apart. While we may all function on one energy level, as a whole, those "vibes" fluctuate dependent on our emotional energy, as well as, many of the technological devices we have today.

The energy at our core, is disrupted by the very advances we have all come to depend on: cell phones, wireless internet, smart meters, and even wearing shoes all the time. If you really take the time to think about it, our bodies become a walking lightening rod. Our own electromagnetic energy is the core of our bodies, when you filter in all the "smart technology," inadequate diets, soil depletion and chaotic life styles; you are one big ole ball of pent up energy.

Let's look at the theory of a lightening rod for a minute. The lightening rod, as a generalization, is put in a high location, to attract the energy from a storm, with a grounding line to shift that energy from a structure to the ground as a grounding source. So, in la-mans terms; you put a lightening rod on your house to protect it. That lightening rod is struck by lightening. The lightening is energy, that is carried through a wire to the ground to diffuse some of it's energy and protect your home. We as humans are not much different. The difference is: in a world that is constantly moving at a break neck speed, we do not allow ourselves a means or a regular time frame to diffuse the pent up energy within us. We do not allow a grounding wire to diffuse some of that energy, so we become those big ole balls of energy just waiting to snap.

From early ages, we are taught to get dressed and put on shoes. Once our shoes are on, we are ready to take on the day. The shoes are a valuable asset in their right time and place. While I am not a someone who makes shoes and do not know all the technical terms; most shoes have a rubber sole. This rubber sole is a disruptor. For anyone that knows anything about electricity, a disruptor breaks the circuit that allows energy to flow. Once a circuit is broken, the energy flow stops. Once again, our human bodies need that constant transference and flow of energy. By wearing shoes continuously, you are breaking that circuit, and not allowing the natural process of energy to flow.

This is where a natural grounding needs to be discussed. A natural grounding is so easy. Simple take off your shoes, and walk through the grass or dirt, and voila...you are allowing your body to once again be part of the natural process of free flowing energy. You are removing the break from the circuit and allowing the energy to flow through you as it was meant to do. This allows stagnant, pent up energy to flow out of your feet and back into the Earth, all while the transfer of refreshed energy from the Earth back through your feet replaces the old energy.

We have become a society that is terrified to become dirty, to walk around barefoot, and is more than happy to live in the concrete jungles. Even if you live in a city, you can still allow yourself 30 minutes of grounding time. Take even 30 minutes a week to find a park, or any place with grass. Take off your shoes and socks, take some deep breaths, allow yourself to feel the grass or dirt under your feet. Give yourself the chance to release all the pent up energy and visualize it's release. Imagine pushing all your stresses through your feet and down into the soil. Imagine your feet are the doors allowing fresh, new energy to push up through your body and refresh your soul. Leave your cell phones in the car or at home, and take 30 minutes of time; completely disconnected to everything except you. Even 30 minutes a week, with complete focus on your grounding exercise will allow your body to heal from the stresses that are causing issue.

By not interfering with the natural transference of energy from your body to the Earth, you are allowing a continuous flow of fresh and refreshed energy to flow natural through your body. You probably won't notice a big difference after just 1 grounding, and possible not even after several. Do not quit though. It's going to take a while for your body to transition from the walking ball of energy back into a free flowing energy again.

As an individual that firmly believes in Holistic Health, and bodies that heal themselves with proper care; grounding is a area that seems to offer many benefits. I really believe grounding, meditation, yoga, tai chi, and any form of focused steady movement is beneficial to our bodies. The high impact of many exercises today may be great in building noticeable and defined muscles; but lacks the ability to quiet the mind and ultimately is a continued source of broken circuits. Getting to the source of stress will definitely allow you to quiet your mind, but when there is not yet answer of how to deal with a stress, taking time to ground yourself will help keep fresh energy to flow. Taking the time to ground, and clear your mind for a short period of time, will also allow you the space to look at your stress from a new perspective.

I am not a doctor, scientist, or electrician; so this is my understanding of how and why grounding works. I personally love to ground myself in the dirt in our garden or even just to walk through the grass with my shoes in my hands. I personally make a regular practice of meditation and yoga. I notice when I let my regular times of grounding, meditation or yoga slip; that I become very stressed and have difficultly solving even the mildest of issues.

Salli

Vibrational Energies Abound

It's always been difficult for me to let go of things when I get angry or frustrated with them. It doesn't matter if it's a situation or a person. It's easy for me to stew about something until I find a way of dealing with something in a manor that works for me. Sometimes, a situation or person, will put me under water(so to speak), for a long period of time. Then of course, you have things - situations or people, that just aggravate matters continually. Some of those things, just pile up over time until you just can not take any more.

One of the biggest lessons I am learning about myself, is that I have to take the time to process a situation before I deal with it. When it comes to people, I will be kind to everyone that is kind to me, but I get a pretty good sense about people; really quickly. I trust my instincts and even though I have shrugged them off in the past, I won't be doing that again. Too many times I have gotten a very strong instinct about a person or situation, and didn't listen to it. Whatever the situation or person that I have come across, has always proven it to be correct at a later time.

It's amazing to me how much we can learn just by observing and listening. I love just being quiet when people are talking. I listen to their words, their thoughts and if I am near them personally; I watch their behaviors while talking. People's eyes always give away their true feelings, at least for me. Observing someone in person, you can watch how their physical traits change whenever they talk about anything. It's easy for me, to see their true emotions this way. Watching how their demeanor changes as they speak, is always a tell tale sign of honesty, lies, love, adoration, respect, or any number of other emotions. You just have to pay attention and not focus solely on words.

I have always loved to sit back at any function that draws in a lot of people and just watch. People watching has always been interesting to me. The interactions of many equates to learning a lot about the person without every speaking to them. I spent several years going to the casino boats in Illinois, before they were allowed to be land based. I am not a gambler, so whomever I would go with, would be gambling and I would be people watching. I have always loved to be around people that were laughing, happy and genuinely nice. Some that went to the casinos were just that. They were laughing, having a good time, and they were nice to the employees; it didn't matter if they were a dealer, slot tech, or waitress. Then there were some that were nice to everyone but the waitress, or the ones that were only nice to a select few while treating the others very disrespectfully. After working with VIP's in a casino, you definitely saw all kinds! The way people treat others, when they don't realize people are watching, is a strong indication of who they are.

Accepting who you are as a person, has become a work in progress for me. As the donkey says in the movie Shrek; I am like an onion, I have many layers. My brain is in constant motion, deep thoughts are normal for me, shallow surface conversations bore me, and thinking outside the proverbial box is also normal for me. While I know that I was able to accept who I was years ago, that acceptance somewhere along the line, disappeared. Physically, I can't ever remember truly accepting myself, but on every other layer I did. Somewhere along the way, I lost respect and acceptance of myself in all layers. Somewhere, I began disrespecting every aspect of my life. Rather than engaging in intellectual conversations about how I ran my life, I became defensive and withdrawn. Rather than accepting that there are people that are too shallow to carry on a civilized, deep conversation; I allowed my own intelligence level to drop so those people could understand me. Instead of listening to my gut about people and their behaviors; I continued to be around them. Shallow conversations, shallow people and those who are less educated; were bringing me down to their level. Most people who have a creative way of thinking will tell you, when you think outside the box, very few will understand and everyone else will make you feel like you have a third eye growing out of your forehead! This is true! Not to mention those that are happy to berate you or "reeducate" on why you are screwing up your life. Honestly, I love being able to think outside the box. I love knowing that when a problem arises, I can see beyond just a few meager options, and be able to see limitless possibilities. My mind is a beautiful, albeit busy, place. Accepting that my mind, body, soul and spirit are such amazing qualities; is more than a bit freeing! While I am still trying to reeducate myself into accepting all parts of who I am; I am remembering more everyday! I am not only educated, but also posses intellect and wisdom. My body has plenty of flaws, but it's just a small layer of who I am. My soul may be restless, but it's finding its freedom again. My spirit is alive, well and soaring...even on bad days!

I can remember a high school class that I first heard the theory that those you spend the most time around, are the traits that will become prevalent in your life. I highly believe that I have been around some less than deserving! Raising our vibrational energy is very difficult when those you spend the most time around are operating on negative, low energy. For me, I always know the type of energy I'm around by the way I feel. If I am emotional drained, physically drained, and constantly defending myself in one form or another, or become too negative...I am around the wrong people. The people that help us to feel empowered, help us to feel uplifted, those that are not belittling your thoughts or way of life, and those that happy...those are the ones you want to be around. As someone who is sensitive to the vibrational energies put out by others, I am having to learn how to block out the negative of some around me, without completely shutting down. Shutting down is something I have done since I was a teenager. When things were too difficult to deal with, people in my life hurt me, or I just couldn't handle the negativity; I would shut down in one way or another. It was my coping mechanism. To some degree, it still is today. I believe we all shut down to some degree. Whether we become negative to match the attitudes around us, some have panic/anxiety attacks, some build walls to keep the pain(physical and emotional) out; these are all means of shutting down and a coping mechanism.

As I am researching, studying and relearning myself; I am learning so much about these coping mechanisms, defense mechanisms, and how not dealing with past emotional trauma can play into it all. So many people look at others, and their coping mechanisms as some sort of freak show. As soon as someone has an emotional overload, they are needing more something they are not getting, people begin to judge them. From my own personal observations, when people become negative or they become emotionally overloaded; those around them withdraw, or start belittling them. This is not only counter productive, but also ignorant. These overloaded people are needing something they aren't getting. Yes, there are some out there, that are just a dark personality but so many are not. There are some that just like attention, and will do whatever they must to get it. These are the ones I refer to as drama queens. They are typically not getting the attention they need, or they are getting the wrong type of attention. Then some of those negative nellys, are high maintenance and require a very special type of person to understand them.(I am not one of those!) Many times though, those who are overloaded are just trying to find their own place in this chaotic world.

We are inundate with information on any given day. Between the constant connection of the internet, the conflicting reports of media, diets of processed foods full of hormone changing chemicals, and too many living well outside their financial means; we are ambushed with emotional overload. The physical pain of these situations thrown in with some that use physical violence as a means of coping; many are running on overload, all the time! Almost everyone I have ever known, has some sort of coping mechanism in place. With all the information we receive on a daily basis, it becomes overwhelming to process it all. Some internalize their stress and that's how they deal with it(or technically don't). Some have some very frightening ways of coping, and some such as myself are talkers/writers. While I've read about people who damage their bodies as a coping mechanism, this is not something I understand. I do understand needing to talk through stresses, and writing as a release has helped me to cope. I do have some very thick walls around me too. Anytime you have a stress that is not dealt with, and fixed; those stresses will pile up an eat away at your ability to handle everything. The emotional strain of not dealing with a stress, will drag you under fairly quickly.

My own coping mechanisms are firmly in place. With such a busy mind, lack of productive and positive people around me on a regular basis, failure to deal with past hurts, too much "drama", and lack of a productive outlet for pent up energy; is a sure fire recipe for emotional overload! When so many are in constant fight or flight mode, you are inadvertently drawn into it too, especially if you spend a lot of time around those in that situation. When you are not accepting of your own personality and life, you end up feeling lost, trapped and living from one stress to the next. When you feel you have settled for less than you deserve, want, need or desire; you sink just a little further.

Vibrational energy within each of us has the ability to raise or lower our emotional energy. At our core, everything is energy. So when you feel your energy shift, you need to look at that shift for what it is. Is your energy shifting positively or negatively? Are the people you are around, shifting your energy one direction or the other? Shifting your emotional frequency, although easy, can be difficult. It does require each of us to recognize a shift in energy; a shift in thoughts. Think about those you spend time with. If a person or situation causes a negative shift in your energy, pay attention. The longer you spend time with the person or situation, the more that energy will increase. It does not matter if it's positive or negative. Raising our emotional energy is "simply" raising our standards of people and situations to be around. The more positive, successful people you are around; the more your own personal energy vibrations will increase, and the opposite will be true as well.

By learning to shift your energy, you also learn how to cope. There may be stresses that will drag you down for a short while, but those stresses will not hold you down. The ability to shift your energy, accept your circumstances, and fix them; will help to increase your vibrational energy. It will help to raise your own energy and put you into a much more positive state of mind. Emotional overload appears to happen when too many stresses are pile up without dealing with them. As a stress arises, deal with it, fix it, eliminate it...whatever you need to do to allow you to move forward.

Everything is energy and has it's own vibration. I encourage everyone to find your reflective vibration. Find a similar vibration to allow yourself a means of coping. Whether this is a walk in nature, doing something you love, spending time with the kind of people that will help increase your energy or spending time conversing with someone that raises your energy; this is what will help increase your energies and will help increase your ability to cope with situations that can bring you under stress.

Positive vibes,
Salli

Ranting over stuff that irritates me today.

I am on a bit of a tangent this morning, with stupid rumors, people that have their noses out of joint, and those that need judge or belittle someone else for doing what is best for them. Not to mention, just general things that frustrate me.


There comes a time in life, when you have to evaluate emotional and physical influences of your life, and decide if those influences are worth your time or effort. Those influences come from a multitude of directions and people that you are connected to or allow in your life in any form. Taking the time to understand the situations around you, and getting to know people to their true selves can be a bit overwhelming. When it comes to getting to know people, this has gotten so much more difficult with all the technology now. People meet online, and get to "know" them as they present themselves through the cables connecting everyone 24/7. However, the person you meet online, more than likely has more elements than they tell through the internet. Some of these may be good elements, while others, not so much! This is another area that just sends me into orbit.

Sure, the internet is a great way to meet people. It has opened doors to so many possibilities that weren't there 20 years ago. However, some of the doors that it's opening are ones better off left closed! When you meet someone online, you don't have the visual guide of meeting in person. You can't look into their eyes to see if they are a piece of crap. You can't visually see when they are telling you something, if they are acting or trying to hide something. The ability to physically observe someone when you meet them, is a hang up for me. If I meet someone, and they behave in a jumpy manor, I am questioning their honesty. If I meet someone and they won't look me in the eye, that is a sure fire red flag for me. I'm sorry but if I can physically observe someone's behavior, I am sure as heck not going to pursue even a friendship with them. I'm sure this is my own untrusting personality coming out but I am a firm believer in my gut instincts.

Even through social media, I do not allow people I do not know personally to see much. I keep my life away from too many prying eyes. My blogs are written without names, and most of the time are only a fraction of too much that is personal to me. My circle of friends is pretty tight, and pretty limited. There are very few that I allow in my home, and the ones that are....are typically people I know on a personal level. There are even fewer that are given any insight into who I am as a person, and what goes on regularly in my life. The idea of opening my life to someone I've met online, is completely mind boggling.

The whole online dating thing, OMG! I know so many that have done this, or are doing this, but for me - there would be no way in hell it would happen! There is too much crap out there, and I want no part of it! Even IF I were in a position to date, I would not do this even if it meant being alone forever! I know this isn't a news flash, but people lie! They do it in person too, but at least by looking at them, you can usually tell. By using a computer screen...yikes! You can "be" anything you want to be online. Too many choose not the "be" themselves! Too many are willing to only show their good sides, until they have you locked into a relationship in person...and once this whole technology thing took off; now it's ten times worse!

I am not a good liar. I know this and I don't even try. As the social media post I read yesterday says:"I know what I bring to the table, and I am happy to eat alone." This is true for me. I am a handful at best, and a bitch at worst. I am a strong minded person, with different beliefs than most. The beliefs I hold onto are ones I have researched, and learned about. I'm not going to be changing them anytime soon. This being said, there are VERY few that even attempt to befriend me. I am ok with that. I am not good at handling what I perceive as stupidity or ignorance, nor do I tolerate gossiping. I am more than happy to stay to myself than to lower my standards. I don't handle compromise well, especially if it's not something I believe in. On many things, I am a person that is a "my way or highway," type. With this being said, my 16 years of learning curve in my life, has had me questioning where I got off course, but I am working to right it now.

There are so many that don't know themselves anymore, and I wonder how on earth they expect to get to know others. With the high divorce rates, the swinging doors of relationships, and now the online stuff; how can you ever be in a real relationship without knowing who you are, what you want, and where you want to go with your life? Finding someone to share your life with is hard, but not impossible. Finding someone that you can be completely real with is definitely hard. When you don't know yourself, these things are impossible. You may find someone or something that works for a stage of your life, but when you lose yourself or begin to refind yourself, sometimes the person or thing no longer works. Each of us change throughout life. That's something that allows us to keep progressing. However, too many choose to look past things that are tell-tale signs that things aren't working. Too many become too comfortable with how things are going, and don't see that their paths are no longer the same. It becomes very easy to settle into a routine that is comfortable. Then time moves on, and you find that you are no longer comfortable, but just existing. The regular routines bog you down, and you feel like the path you are on is too stifling. It's at that moment you will feel trapped. Trapped by life, circumstances, and the people in your life. This is when knowing yourself, has to come into play. This is when you must face the music of the path you have chose, and decide where you want to go. For me, this has been an awakening. Through many years, you change and lose parts of yourself that slowly slip away until they are no longer part of you. When you reach a stage that requires you to open your eyes, it can become overwhelming. Sometime over the course of many years, I lost many parts of myself and didn't even realize it. I rode out every roller coaster that life threw at me. I held onto the hope that eventually I would find an area of my life that I lost, again. The difference for me, I allowed myself almost 2 years of learning about myself before getting married again. I spent time alone and grew to enjoy it. I was able to learn about my likes and dislikes; when there are so many out there that haven't been given that chance.

I learned how to be independent, how to enjoy being alone, and what made me happy. The difficult part, is when you throw another person into that mix, that has different experiences and different areas they enjoy. This is called a relationship. This is when life gets more complicated. It's never easy to put 2 separate people under one roof, and basically tell them to sink or swim. You have to have a strong sense of self and the desire to learn something new. Even if it isn't what you want or like. Many relationships have succumbed to this learning curve, and many much longer than my own. If you aren't willing to try something new, you can't know if it's something you want or don't, but too many seem to jump ship before giving anything a true conscience effort. I can tell you that some of the bumps in my own road have left me wanting to jump ship, many times. Some of the new areas of my life have been great. Some, not so much! Being someone who spent a lot of time in a city, shopping, and going to some amazing locations; to living in the middle of no where, hating to shop, and not really going anywhere - ever, has been difficult for me. For the most part, I am OK with being home most of the time and not having to shop. There are times, some lately, that I want to run out the door screaming and start all over. 17 years of being away from my family and dearest friends, has had me going a bit stir crazy lately. More on that later. This is when knowing yourself is very important. This is when being able to voice your needs, wants and desires is even more important. Most of us, have gone through a courtship, so to speak, before getting into a relationship. That courtship is suppose to allow you time to get to know the other person, and learn how to merge your lives into one, before getting married or into a committed relationship. The dating stage is usually fairly easy. You find someone you're attracted to, you have the wining and dining stage, and the sweet experiences, but that is still early on. The longer the courtship, the more real people become with each other. This is usually when relationships are made or broken. You learn more about each other, but you should also learn more about yourself. What your likes, dislikes and what your tolerances are. If you don't have the option of doing this or doing it for an extended time, you are denying yourself the chance to know exactly what you want. If you don't have time alone, to learn about yourself, you can't ever really know what you are capable of , what you want and what you don't. Sure, everything can work out and you can find your forever. However, many times, that's just not the case.

When I was kid, divorce was really not a common occurrence. It was still relatively unheard of. Unlike my grandparents generation, people were realizing that they didn't have to stay married if they were miserable. Although it's not the case, when my parents divorced, I felt like the odd man out. I was a kid, 11 or 12 years old, and none of my friends parents' were divorced. I felt like a spectacle for awhile. I would hear other kids say that's the girl that has divorced parents and they would look at me like I was some kind of enigma for awhile. Well, before I graduated, there were many in the same boat. Since then, divorce rates have tripled, relationships involving years of time are being tossed out windows, and my attitude towards marriage is getting worse by the day. The idea of people staying faithful is almost not heard of anymore, relationships are becoming more about convenience, and even the ones that do actually try to have good marriages are met with unrealistic expectations. Too many times marriage becomes the issue, when one or both people have either neglected their own needs or have out grown the relationship all together. To me, marriage becomes a trap in either situation, and God forbid you try to take back those needs or take the necessary space to keep that marriage alive. Between the pathetic rumor mills, and the ridiculousness of jealousy; it becomes a major trap. In my own life, I don't do much alone, since it ends up causing a shit storm of rumors or I hear the excessive chatter of not being the responsible adult I should be. I can tell you that feeling trapped is a horrible place to be in. Even when your marriage is not what causes you to feel trapped, the "religious" outlook of marriage can. The legal and religious implications of marriage are hindering in a spiritual growth path. I have heard from men and women alike, about how crazy the opposite sex is. I will not disagree. Women today have become high maintenance, drama queens and gossip central. Men today are all about sex, beer and whatever catches their attention at the time. Although this isn't really much different from any other period of time; it is in the sense that now technology is there to share with the world every facet of our lives. Not so different from years ago, everyone seems to be out to take more than their fair share, and to make someone else look bad in the process. Very rarely do you see someone who is divorcing say, "they are a great person, but it just isn't working out." Then in a divorce situation, you usually have kids involved. This is another area that I have personally been burnt by. Folks, kids are not pawns. They are not bargaining tools to screw your spouse, and lying to them will come back to haunt you later. If you are going to divorce, and there are kids involved, you better find a way to make nice. You better find a way work together as the parents, and not bad mouth the other parent, not use the kids visitation as a pawn, and you better not lie to them and tell them something that they will grow up to learn the truth. No matter what your differences are, you better put that aside for the betterment of your children. You and your spouse had children together, you better plan on raising those children together even if you separate! You better establish some sort of friendship to work with their other parent. I do understand this is not always possible when the other parent wants nothing to do with them. This is about those parents that play games with the kids, just to get back at the other parent. Children need BOTH parents, especially if that is what they are accustomed to. Even if you are a part-time parent, you are just as important as the one doing the main parenting. This irritates me every time I hear about it. If your names are on the birth certificates, you better step up and do your part. You better play nice and raise those kids to be good people. You better step up and accept the responsibility that you took on by getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant. There is no excuse acceptable for not working as a team to raise the children you created.

As I said, this year has been the year for divorces. I'm not sure why, but there have been a lot. People that have been married for 15 or more years are walking away from their relationships, and the common link I have heard, is to find themselves or that they have outgrown their relationships. As I mentioned, I have been dealing with my own path for several years now. While my marriage is better than it's ever been, I still am feeling a bit trapped. My husband is great about telling me to do what I need to do, but there are still limits as there is with any relationship. Obviously, I am not the type to mess around, but that's not to say I haven't been accused of it...many times. I am also not the type that handles outside interference well. Spending so many years away from my own family, has really played a big role for me. While, I could not live right by them again, seeing them a little more than a few times a year would be great. Being able to see my only grandfather, and my aunts, uncles and cousins more would be great too. I don't live an insane distance from them, but life doesn't allow for much more than what I have been doing. Living far enough away, doesn't allow time for my long distance friendships either. Everyone has busy lives, and no one is able to break away for long. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't willing give up a weekend to spend with them, because I would in a heart beat. It has just become so easy to Facebook, or text. Sure these are great avenues to keep in touch, but not great when you want to actually SEE them. Then you throw in kids, spouses, and the ever present cell phones; and you have a complete cluster or a three ring circus. Taking a few days alone, is not something I have been able to implement, although I really would like to. Having a few days to think without interruption, to be able to calm a busy mind, and be able to put some sort of perspective back on the table; this is what is the hardest about relationships. In mine, what little time isn't spent as a family, is spent trying to revive marital relations. Trying to hold on to the thread of hope that no matter what may cross our paths, we can face it and win. So, for me, when the kids aren't with me, this is the time I try to keep my marriage moving forward and keep it from becoming stagnant. Taking time away from my family, seems to be selfish to me. Even though I know it would help me, it causes me some panic. Whenever I go anywhere or do anything, I have either one or both of the kids, the entire family, or my husband with me. I don't do anything alone. I am someone who has always needed time alone. I'm not sure when I let that little part of me slip, but it's been gone for a long time. This is where I believe relationships start to head south. We all fall into a relationship and we all want what has been fed to us about the American Dream - spouse, 2 kids, house with white picket fence, 2.5 cars, and a dog. Well, that's all great and fine, but they forgot to mention the obstacles that will be thrown into your path, they forgot to mention how difficult it is to keep a marriage from becoming stagnant and too comfortable, and they forgot to mention that both people in that marriage need to be true to themselves. Yes, some people are happy to be attached at the hip and do everything together. I for one, don't need that. I did, in the beginning. I wanted someone that was going to do everything with me, and wanted someone who would enjoy doing everything I did so we could do it together. As I have gotten older though, I don't need that anymore. Now, I want time together and to enjoy something together, but spending every minute together possible...no thanks! I like my independence. I like doing some things together, but I need my time alone more now than ever. It's not to say that I don't appreciate every time my husband tries to do something I like but he hates it, and it's not to say that I want to go spend a week alone every few weeks. I just need my alone time to recharge. No television, no constant ringing of telephones, no kids bickering, no constant cooking/cleaning up for a few days, no one demanding anything of me for a few days, and just being able to breath and clear my head. Yes, that sounds very selfish even to me. However, I know what I need, because years ago, I took the time to get to know myself. I know when I get overwhelmed, I withdraw from everyone, my mind and body goes into fight or flight mode. (I have lived with this flight or fight mode for several years now.) I can't get focused, or concentrate on any one thing for any length of time. My patience become paper thin, my tolerance becomes non-existent, and my body begins to attack itself with one illness or another. Having finally reached a point of more clarity, I am seeing more of why the past several years have been so difficult for me. I am able to see more of why and how the negativity enveloped me, and was able to take hold.

Without allowing myself the things I knew I needed, I have denied myself the ability to come out of fight or flight mode, and in return, my body is constantly in motion. I allowed horrible habits to take over as a means to help shut it down some. Allowing the alcohol to shut off my minds constant chatter, and cigarettes to help ease the constant stress. Eating has become something just to quiet the rumblings in my stomach, and even these blogs have allowed most of my thoughts to filter out without having to find the right way to word them. My vocabulary has become that of children, animals, and occasionally has to be dropped even lower to deal with uneducated people. Being able to "socialize," is not easy for me to begin with, but when you are holed up away from the world, you don't have to. Thinking too far outside the box, opens you up to a shit storm of repercussions you would not believe. Taking constructive criticism from someone you have little respect or trust in, becomes an instant battle ground too. I grew up, probably like many kids from divorced homes, learning to adapt quickly. You had your home, the other parents home, 2 sets of rules, your own thoughts, and learning to be gritty when the situation needed you to be so. I also had a bad temper thrown in, just to antagonize matters. Even though I learned to control that temper many years ago, lately it has become more and more difficult to keep it in check. There isn't one individual situation that is wearing that control so thin, but years of repressing my own needs and dealing with underhandedness that is doing the trick. For years, I have let opinions, attitudes, and many little jabs undermine, what I was willing to tolerate, and deal with. Now, though, I am having a harder time biting my tongue and keeping the peace. Now whenever something is said or done, I want to rant, rave, and to some degree start throwing crap to release the anger I feel in the moment. So far, I am still able to tamp it back down, but I'm not sure how long I can keep tamping it down without some sort of release.

As I am growing stronger everyday, finding the best way to get what I need and to still be all I am expected to be, is difficult. I am remembering things I need to, keep my attitude in check, and I am working toward the other needs I have too. This is not an easy process. I am struggling to accept things I can not change, being adaptable has not been the case for years. Change scares the shit out of me. I have become very comfortable in my life, even with the few areas of contention. I just need to find a way to make sure my needs are being met, and that I don't keep pushing them under a rug. I've said before, I am not a materialistic person, so the needs I have are more natural in issue; such as my time alone to recharge. Being able to ask for help, and accept it; not to mention being able to depend on it, are difficult for me. Learning that the control I need is more control of myself, and my thoughts; than those around me. I need to control my surroundings to keep control of my own attitude.

Losing yourself in a relationship is going happen. Good or bad, it happens. Sometimes finding a new you, a better you, is exactly what you need. When you lose yourself, and don't like who you have become; then you need to make changes. Some are making drastic changes by divorcing, but I don't feel that I need that drastic change. I do however, need some big changes to get back to who I want to be. I don't like this mousy, dependent, anxiety ridden woman I have become. I don't like feeling panicky whenever I leave our property knowing I am going to have to deal with people, and I don't like the constant tongue biting to keep from ruffling feather. I was not like this when I met or married my husband. Being treated poorly years ago, would have resulted in either a huge argument, someone else getting clobbered, or I would walk away and never be around the person treating me badly again. While I will say that physically fighting was the wrong way to deal with anything, but I did not put up with being treated poorly. The people I chose to be around treated me with respect, or they were gone. Allowing anyone to put me down, was something I refused to accept once I was an adult. To this day, I figure if I am not doing things the way you would, that's fine, but there is no need to belittle anyone for doing things their way.

It's amazing how much has been on my own plate, and that I still go about my life as if there's nothing on it. Yes, I am proud of being able to finally see clearly again and see areas that need to change. I am happy that I can be honest with my needs and wants, even though I know they will make plenty of waves. I know that the strong, determined person I have always been is still here, I just needed to be dusted off. I'm glad that so far, I have been able to keep my marriage going when so many have not had the privilege. I am glad to be a full-time mom, and keeper of our home; even when it gets overwhelming. I am glad for the few times a year that I can focus on solely being a wife. Now, I need to spend some time figuring out how to work in some time to solely be me - not mom, not wife...just Salli. I have had a huge amount of support dealing with and accepting so much of my life the last few years, and I will be forever grateful for that. I am learning how to accept the woman I am, and am learning how to rediscover the woman I want to be.

After so much that has happened the past few years, it makes it easy to be grateful for all that I do have. I am still not accepting of some of my past that still haunts me, and even though I can forgive for those issues forever, they will always be apart of who I am today. Even with the ice that runs through my veins, there are still areas that hurt and upset me. However, I am dealing with them the best way I know how, and they will not play a big part of my life. Dealing with gut instincts and the vibes that radiate off of some people, have been acknowledged and pushed aside.

The rumor mills seem to work over time anymore, and I'm guessing it's because those gossiping either have their lives in order or are bored to death with their lives so they feel the need to talk about others. I've always said it's amazing how much I can learn about myself through rumors. The area we live in seems to be a big hub for gossip, and there is always plenty to learn when you know the right people. Then you have people like me, that are not out and about enough so they make things up as they go. It's funny to me, to think that so many know my husband is married, but very few actually know who I am. Then again, I find it funny that even some people that are supposed to know me, don't.

So much of the world today is becoming judgmental and divided. Too many have their noses out of joint, and if someone chooses not to follow the straight and narrow of what is deemed socially acceptable, they automatically become the source for this judgment and division. Is the path that everyone is on the exact same, I don't think so. I think everyone is on their own path to fulfillment, and those paths are going to be different for everyone. I can't understand not encouraging and lifting people up as opposed to judging them and stepping on them to make them feel like less. This seems counterproductive to me. Treating others as you wish to be treated, has flown right out the window. As soon as you are honest with someone, you are being disrespectful. As soon as you voice an opinion, you are either praised for having the same opinion as others or are torn apart for having a differing opinion. As soon as you want something outside the normal, you become the center of the rumor mill. I figure, who am I to tell someone they are wrong or judge them for something they have done. I don't know what happened in their life to bring them to the point they are today, and honestly....until my life is perfect...I have no right to judge anyway!

After a few days of new divorces announced, more crap from the rumor mill, and lives being torn apart because of someone else's misery...I needed to vent. Seriously people, if your life is so crappy that you have to butt into someone else's life to make you feel better. you need a life! Unless someone is sharing intimate details of their lives, you don't have a clue. I am more than happy to share my personal journey through these blogs, but there is NO ONE besides those that live in my house, that will ever know all the details. Having crossed paths with some that love to gossip, I will tell you this, when it comes to my life: UNLESS you hear something from my husbands or my mouth....it's probably not true!

I am done ranting for now. Take care of yourselves, and ignore those that want to share their misery with you. Only you know the path you are on, and what you need for your life.

Salli

Finding my peace

Every once in a while, you will find a moment of clarity. You will find that moment in the most strange places, or strange circumstances. It can come out of the blue and roll over you like a steam roller. That's been my experience lately. This strange, but beautiful, clarity of mind, body and spirit. That steam roller was more like 2 separate entities for me. The first was recognizing the emotional drain and overwhelming nature of my thoughts. The second, was realizing for the first time in my life, that I may not be some powerful figure; but I bring a lot to my world. All of this, came through a great conversation with a trusted friend, and an amazing dream!

I'm sure I have mentioned that when I have a dream I remember in vivid format, that I pay attention to them. Typically if I have one of those dreams, they actually happen/become a reality. For years, I just wrote in my journals to remember the dreams in detail, and when something similar happened in real life, I would go back through and see how accurate they were. I would say about 90% accuracy is pretty good. Anyway, I keep journals for this and many other reasons. My journals have helped me see patterns in my life, helped me find food sensitivities, and even kept track of milestones in my life. From about 16 years old, clear through today, I have written journals about my life. All the good, bad, ugly and most memorable parts of my life are written down. Writing in my journals has really helped me to learn not only about myself, my temperament, and thoughts; but it has also allowed me to see some interesting and sometimes upsetting parts of myself that need some focus.

I believe that finding yourself in a world that pushes for conformity, is such a remarkable experience. I know so many that have become focused on blending in, not ruffling feathers, and keeping their true thoughts to themselves. I had become the same way. Afraid to go against the grain for fear of the backlash, the negative comments, the constant rumor mills that seem to run wild everywhere. I spent the better part of 3 years, miserable, broken, depressed and lonely. It was a time of feeling like I had fallen into a giant black hole, with no way to get out. Then, I had a couple of amazing dreams that showed me a way out, and that long conversation that allowed me to voice my thoughts in the most honest and forthright way; and WOW! It was like that door keeping the dark in, swung open wide and all I could see was beautiful light! I know some reading this will think I am exaggerating...but I can can tell you, I'm not! That was the exact feeling I had.

The past 2 weeks have been so much lighter, freer, and even more eye opening; than I have felt in years. I am finding that when a negative or dark thought enters my mind, I can see it immediately, and can push it aside. Finding something to laugh about everyday, finding something everyday to enjoy has become my goal, and seeing the real emotions of situations once again, has helped to start to understand them. There are still days that would be real easy to be negative and ride that slippery slope back into negativity, but I refuse to go there again! I am not like everyone else. I have my own thoughts, emotions, feelings, and needs. I am not a materialist person, but I do have needs and wants; that I have allowed to slip through to make everyone else happy. I have accepted, that by allowing my own needs and wants to be thrown by the wayside, I had become a very resentful, angry, lonely and unhappy person.

As the past few weeks have allowed me to see a lot clearer, there are still areas I know I need to work on. There are areas that I'm not sure how to fix, but I know they need to change. There are plenty of areas I am still trying to understand, but I can at least see them now. I am finding areas that have awoken from a deep sleep, and are demanding some attention again. There are thoughts and emotions, I have to learn to accept again, that have been turned off for so many years. Then there is forgiveness. This is something that has always been difficult for me. I have never been someone who could forgive and forget. I guess to some degree, I'm still not. However, I am going through a time that allowing forgiveness, for things I still feel are wrong is the right thing to do and the right thing for me. I am forgiving of those who have treated me poorly, have used me, have taken advantage of me, lied to me, and I am forgiving those who have treated as if I am never good enough. I am forgiving, but I don't forget. Just because I am forgiving all the wrong doing, I will not trust those who have treated me in those ways to ever be an important part of my life. I am all for second chances, but when those second chances are blown...I'm done! I have more respest for myself, than to continually allow another person to treat me poorly.

Accepting myself, as I am, has been rather difficult. I am not the girl I was growing up in either of the small towns I called home. I am not the young woman I was when I was married the first time. I am not the young woman I was when I moved to Missouri to sow my wild oats. I not the young first time Mom, I was in my late 20's. I'm not even the woman I was when I was given my precious second child. I have evolved into the woman I am today. A little of each of those other masks still there, but overall, I am so much more. I am so much stronger, wiser, insightful, educated, and yes, even a little harder. The past few years had closed off my heart, not just my emotions. I was cold at best, and my notorious nickname, an "ice princess," at worst. The only one to see my heart at all, were my kids and occasionally my husband. I kept my thoughts to myself, for the most part. I kept quiet, rather than make waves when I didn't agree. Rather than voicing my thoughts and needs; I would hide them and push them away to keep the peace. It became a very lonely, and unsustainable existence. It became easier to blame everyone else for feeling like my world was crashing at my feet. It was easier to become resentful of everything and everyone that caused my own hopes and dreams to crumble. You know what, it wasn't everyone else that had done this to me...it was ME! I had allowed myself to become the door mat, the venting post, the scape goat, etc. I didn't feel strong enough to stand up for me or what I wanted or didn't.

Guess what?!?!?! I am not only strong enough now, but I am going after what I want and need! I am not going to allow my dreams and goals to be shoved to a back burner so everyone else can have/do what they want. I am just as important as they are. I will probably always have some ice in my veins, but I am not that cold hearted bitch that so many have seen. I am also not a door mat, to walked on. I am not some battering ram to treat with recklessness, and I am not going to take responsibility for things that had nothing to do with me! I will admit my own flaws and mistakes; but I am not taking on anyone elses to keep the peace any longer. I can't. I'm not perfect, nor do I want to be. I am, however, perfectly me, when I allow myself to be. I've heard it said that we teach others how to treat us. If this is true, I have been giving VERY bad lessons! That all changes now! The lesson to teach now; I can be your most loyal and trustworthy friend or someone you once knew. There is no room in my life for games that should have ended with school days, there is not room in my life for bull shit excuses, and there is not room in my life for those that just want to come around occasionally just to get a little more gossip. If you want to gossip, do it somewhere else. I have better things to do with my time! I have plenty of compassion for people who are real with me, but for those who use me; this is your notice to just keep walking! You are no longer welcome around me.

This peaceful feeling of finally being back in control of myself, is just that. It's peaceful, but the control I have always felt I needed, is control of myself. It's control, but it's not. I need to control my surroundings, and my emotions. My emotions can become a bit overwhelming, but when I finally have control over them...they are a manageable beast. My surroundings, is a whole different beast. Most married couples, if they are honest, will tell you that controling your surroundings while married gets to be like a roller coaster. There are times it's easy, and other times it becomes a battle of wills. By now, you all know my short story of being married. This town kid moves to another state to sow some wild oats, gets degree, plans to move back home, falls in love with local farm boy, married, 2 kids, and a home later; only to be pulled in more directions than possible and not knowing which end is up. There you have it. :-) Now then, it's that short story, with a whole life time of other little stories in between that makes up my real life, the one I live everyday. It's those little in between stories that tell the whole story. There is absolutely no one that knows ALL the in between stories. Once again, what goes on behind closed doors, away from prying eyes, that tell the most. It's those parts that most people never see. It's the behind the scenes stories that make or break relationships, both marital and otherwise. It's the little jabs that are rarely heard by more than 1 or 2 people, the snide remarks that build up over time, and the collective reasoning of a good person/bad person, that fills in all the blanks for someone not willing to see the big picture. It's that big picture that make up the stories of each of our lives. My big picture has many flaws, many lessons learned, and much happiness in the grand scheme of things. My story is beautiful in its own right. Even through the last 3 years of darkness, and some of the in between stories that have been dark, I am truly blessed to not only have the experiences, but to have a means of expressing them in the best way I know...writing.

Being pulled by a life that seems to have left you behind, can be a bit demoralizing. You have a life you grew up in, and miss, trying to remain somewhat in. Then you have the new life you jumped into, only to find you were no where near prepared, or ready to take on. You have the family you were born into and the family you married into. You are pulled in multiple directions just with extended families. Then you can't forget about the financial pull. The one that says, oops, sorry. There's no money left for you visit the family that lives away from you. There's no time available to visit either. Yet, your heart is pulling you to do just that. Your heart is pulling you take the time and money, even though there isn't enough of either, to visit those family and friends. Your heart is telling you that you need that time, you need those connections, and you need to free yourself even if just for a short while. It becomes a vicious cycle, and one that has weighed heavily on my mind for many years. As my extended family and long time friends will tell you, about once a year, is my extent for visits back home. Then those visits are very short. Getting away with girlfriends for a weekend, is non-existent anymore, but not because I don't want them. Taking time away from my family, becomes an impossible guilt trip of spending money we don't have, taking time away from my family, and if I go alone...yikes. Typically, anytime I try to do something on my own, it becomes some type of stupid rumor...so I have quit doing it all together. It's just not worth the hassle. My life has become this horribly repetitive cycle of waking up, feeding the kids, doing school work, doing dishes, cooking meals, doing laundry, cooking some more, twice a day animal chores, cooking supper, doing dishes for the 3rd time in a day, taking showers, and crashing. This is an every day pattern...are you even seeing a part of that that says leaving the house?! I don't, and typically, if I leave the house...I don't leave the property. Literally, weeks on end of not stepping foot away from our property. Sure, I love being at home and have some of the most beautiful scenery ever to look at, but seeing something new would help break up the monotony. This is the life I have chosen. To allow for everyone else to have what they want and need, I stay home. I don't spend money - except to pay bills or buy groceries. I don't make the time or take any money to go see my extended family. I don't take the time or money to spend time with some of my best friends; which saves some rumor mill gossip anyway since several of them are guys.

What has really hit me the last few weeks, is how much I have become resentful. How pathetic is that. I'm resentful of things, I should be able to change, or at least speak up for. I wasn't strong enough though. I have been too concerned with being something I am not. I have several guy friends, some I dated...some, not. My best friend and I have plenty of history together, and more stories than I would ever want to tell...we'd both be in trouble if I did! No matter what the history is between my friends and I, I value them and want them in my life. No matter who likes it and who doesn't! I refuse to hide conversations, since I obviously do absolutely nothing wrong or indecent, there's no point. Those who like to gossip and speculate about my life or anyone's for that matter, should probably close the closet doors...their own skeletons may fall out! Being resentful, and writing, has helped me to pinpoint a few thoughts that lead to negativity. By being what I feel is a good person, I have let go of my own desire for a more fulfilled life. No before I go any further, I do have a good life. It's been a wild ride, but it's good! When I refer to a more fulfilled life, I am referring to not only seeing that my husband and our kids dreams come true; but also to ensuring that mine do. I am learning that I can't be the best person I can be, without making sure my own needs are being met. Yes, I there isn't much I am not capable of, but there are a few things. I am happy that I am able to do so much when I make up mind to do so. However, that has also caused some trouble. When you are a self-sufficient person, people tend to forget about you, use you, take advantage of you and yes even belittle you. This is first hand knowledge. I am always home, so having a regular babysitter/care taker for my kids isn't needed. However, trying to take college classes, organize finances, having a regular date night or even just some much needed time alone; becomes a chore to undertake. Taking the time for a date night becomes more work than what it's worth, and by the time you get everything organized, it's not all that enjoyable or half the time is gone just trying to get a few things done without kids in tow. Getting the time to spend one on one with my extended family has been a circus for years. It becomes a game of making sure you spend equal time with everyone, and hope you get to see the extended - extended members of family, even if just briefly. Making time for coffee with my long time friends on my short trips home, is almost impossible! Then, it becomes another game. Take the hubby and kids to coffee, and have surface conversations while battling the kids to sit still, or leave them at the hotel and go have coffee only to get one guilt trip or another when you are gone too long. Making a trip home alone...HA! I did this last year, and my 5 days were a nice get away, but I went to help my Mom while my grandfather was pretty ill and even though I got to spend some time with my best friend and then a little time with just my mom and sister, and had supper with my Dad and Step-Mom; it went by really quick. Even in 5 days, I didn't get to see everyone I had hoped to. My trips up there seem to be rushed trips anymore. They are typically only for weddings, funerals, or some other special event. There are no more weekend shopping trips at Christmas or girls weekends, there are no more fun trips up there to visit some of my favorite places to share with my kids. Our life here consumes every ounce of time, money and energy we have. Please don't get wrong! I love my life, and I don't want to change it completely. These are just some of the realizations I have come to.

There are some areas that I do need to change, and I am working towards them. The financial headaches of living on a small farm, are just par for the course - from what I am told. I am not cut out for unknown though. It stresses me, and I don't like the constant juggling and creative budgeting. I am just a short bit away from my own graduation, where I can finally start another career and finally have a little breathing room in the budget. Of course, this "short bit" is relative to working around my kids and life. Seeing a budget that is doable with just a little extra each month is reachable, but when it's not "there," it stresses me to no end! We don't spend foolishly, so there isn't stupid inclusions in the budget for that. However, there will be a new addition going in the budget real soon. One that will allow for a few weekend mini-vacations for my family, and at least one weekend for just me to get away so see the friends I miss so much!

Which brings about a whole other issue. For more than 10 years now, I have been a stay-at-home-mom. Aside from a short stint of working at a local bar and grill. Even before that, my interactions with people locally have been limited, for a long time. I have a few people that I know and just a very few who I consider friends here. I've mostly met them through my son's classmates when he was in public school, or my husband, and 2 that I met when I first moved to Missouri 17 years ago. There are only 1 or 2 that I can say I would trust with my deepest feelings though. I have not found the connections here, for the most part, that I feel I need to call them close friends. Which I guess if I looked closely enough, I would realize there are only 5 people in my entire life that I can say I had a strong enough connection to, to be able to be completely real with. The one I count on the most, we can go months and have gone years without talking, and we just pick right back up where we left off. We can still look at each other and be able to see, without saying a word, when something needs to be said. We have had our share of disagreements, and more fun times than I could count; but she's always just a phone call away. And if we get together, oh boy, watch out! We will bottom out multiple pots of coffee and solve the problems of the world, and talk for HOURS! She's one of those friends that I never have to be careful what I say, because I know I can trust her and she can trust me too! Anyway, with being out of any kind of social loop for so long, it becomes difficult to meet anyone, let alone getting to know anyone. Everyone is wrapped up in their lives; whether it's their children's sporting or extra curricular events, their jobs, or any number of other activities normal people do...I don't so there isn't much in the way of meeting people. I suppose this is probably ok for the most part, since there seems to be so much drama, gossip and status shuffling going on today. The idea of real friendships, seems to be a piece of the past.

I don't seem to connect with many people and I am certain it's because I am so very different from most. I am an open minded type of person, not to mention opinionated, set in my ways, and intolerant of ignorance. :) I have strong opinions about matters that most people disagree with me about. I am definitely not a trend setter, or out to wear or buy the latest fashions. I am not into all the girl stuff - manicures, pedicures, getting my hair done regularly, shopping(HATE), and the whole game of keeping up with the Jones' is an idea I see as a waste of time. I do love to have nice things, but I'd rather build them, make them or buy something second hand and restore it. I do love shoes, though I have only a few pair. I love the idea of feeling pretty once in awhile; and I mean dressing up, with the whole matching under clothes, a nice dress and a pair of heals, and actually doing my hair and make up. Although I usually don't take the time to do most of that. The idea of trying to impress anyone, not going to happen! I am who I am, live how I live, and if someone doesn't like it...they don't need to come back around. When it comes to most of my opinions, I try to keep them to myself to avoid too much negativity in my life and email box. I am a firm believer in personal responsibility and accountability, and self-expression as long as it doesn't physically hurt anyone else. I believe in being patriotic, but don't believe we need to be the police of the world. I believe our military members should have a higher income than our government officials. I believe there should be a term limit on our congress and senate just as there is for a president. I believe that everyone is equal, and if you break a law you should have to do the time. I don't care what race, nationality, sexual preference you have; if you are a good person, you are a good person. I believe the idea of marriage is a joke. What began as a man marrying a woman to "allow" her to become someone; has grown into a circus of people marrying for convenience, or for benefits, and with half of all marriages ending in divorce...it seems to me to be a waste of time and money, and destroys good relationships. I do not believe that I have to attend a religious service to be faithful and spiritual, although I do understand the fellowship of doing so. There is also a lot of hypocrisy that happens too. I believe our country was founded by those who were religious, but they wanted religion kept out of the rule of government to prevent this country from becoming like the countries they had left behind. They wanted a separation of church and state; and somewhere along the way, that has not been the way it was kept.

I will be honest, I am firmly in an attitude of realization, inspiration and change. I am finally strong enough again, to be real with what I need. I love my garden, and canning or preserving food. I love my horses, chickens, cats and beagles. The pigs are fun but expensive. The cows frighten me. The hunting dogs don't really phase me, but they can be noisy. The up and down roller coaster of depending on the weather to put up hay, the people that want eggs or pigs for next to nothing, the predators that keep killing my chickens; these are areas that I seem to be struggling with. We are all aware that controlling mother nature, will not happen. So, that's a gamble that we can't seem to win. Anytime you have to depend on someone or something else, never sits well for me. Too many times, when you have to depend on someone or something else; you either never hear the end of it or you are at their mercy. I don't take kindly to either! This is why I do everything I can on my own. If I let myself down, that's my own issue. Realizing how far away from my own needs and I wants that I have gotten, at first was overwhelming. Now, though, it's my guiding light. Now, I can see what I don't want, and the direction that I do want to go. I have been inspired by a few to move forward. To stop focusing on what I don't want, and to start focusing on what I do. The inspiration to live my life to the fullest, is such an amazing feeling! I am struggling through my schooling, and yes it's a struggle. I have no doubt I can do it and do it well, but getting everything knocked out in a timely matter, is not happening. I need to get some boundaries set, so that I can do what I need to do without interruption. I will do this and graduate; SOON! Realizing that I am not really completely different from who I have always been, but I am so much more, has been eye opening - to say the least. The difference is that I have buried so much of the old me beneath expectations and fear. Being a responsible adult tends to change a few things. I've taken more time lately to spend with the kids, and less to worry about the housework and laundry. It's been a great change. Instead of constant lessons and bickering about clean bedrooms and chores, I have taken time to see their newest creations on their video game, see whatever videos they are watching. Making sure that when I make brownies or cake, that the kids get to lick the spoons. Coloring with my daughter. Watching the fake wrestling(WWE) with my son. These little things that mean something to them....it makes a difference. Even talking with my husband, and voicing my opinion when it's different than his...this was something I haven't done much of for a while. When he has a negative opinion or thought, it used to drag me right down with him; but it hasn't lately. I know he has his hands full with different stuff, and I have no problem listening but instead of taking on those emotions myself, I have learned to separate those feelings from my own. Other's emotions have always affected me, so being able to separate my emotions from those of other people, is a huge bonus!

Finding my personal strength again has left me feeling free again. Not feeling like I'm trapped either by circumstance or life; has taken on a refreshing role. I don't like feeling dependent on anyone for anything. However, I have allowed myself to accept that there are times I need help. That doesn't make me weak, it makes me human. I have no problem continuing to be self-sufficient, but it puts more stress on me than necessary. This is an area that I am having to make baby steps on. I don't like to ask for help, and I know there are times I need to. Breaking out of the mundane that life has become, is another area that is a necessity. A daily routine, or schedule, may work for some and even to some degree for me, but I have to have more. I need more spontaneous in my life and less routine. I need more time that I can do the things I want to do, and not just trudging through what I have to do. I am learning to say NO, without having a reason. As I am also learning that I too, need time that is not meant for anything other that what I want to do. So much of my own attitude, and personality has been pushed aside because it's not "becoming" when it disagrees those you spend the most time with. I think this happens over time to most people, even if not intentional. Responsibilities, the socially acceptable behaviors, and even sometimes, a change in opinion cause people to change against their will. Many of us, may not like the direction we are going, but we don't have the time or energy to change it. It's a scary feeling to know how far off course you have gotten, and not having a clear path back is a bit unnerving. For some, they continue on the same course and just let their hopes and dreams fade. Some make radical changes(i.e. midlife crisis), some(like me) finally see clearly, and others just divorce, go wild, and lose themselves in a whole new way. No matter where everyone else is, I am seeing clearer and brighter every single day.

I am recognizing negativity when I see it, and letting it go. I am seeing areas that need to change and will work towards them with renewed energy. I take my responsibilities seriously, but I am also taking my own needs seriously again too. I am forgiving every single wrong doing and person who has treated me poorly; so I can find my own peace. I am letting go of the resentment for my own needs and wants that have not been met; and I am going to make sure they are. I am stressing less over not having a spotless house, and focusing more on my kids that are growing up so quickly. I am stressing less over finances, and will do what I can, and the rest will be taken care as I can. I am working toward graduation with a few goals in mind. Getting a job, making a decent income, working from home, and using part of my income to be able to get back home more than once a year, and taking my kids on short trips to do some fun things we've only talked about. I am moving forward with a new light. I am moving forward with the reminder that I don't have to pretend to be anyone...I am just fine being me, the REAL me! It's ok if people don't like me, don't agree with me or think I am not worthy of them. Honestly, I don't want those kind of people around me anyway! I have already eliminated several from life that treated me poorly, and I have no problem eliminating more if necessary. You can either accept me as I am, or not. If not, save us both some time and move on! Aside from those that live in my house, NO ONE knows everything that goes on behind closed doors. Just as no one knows what goes on in your life behind closed doors. Don't judge a circumstance by the surface situation you see. I am looking forward to seeing all the facets of myself re-emerge and I'm sure to find some new ones in the process too. This game of life, is about to get fun again.

Peace of mind, body and soul,
Salli