Every once in a while, you will find a moment of clarity. You will find that moment in the most strange places, or strange circumstances. It can come out of the blue and roll over you like a steam roller. That's been my experience lately. This strange, but beautiful, clarity of mind, body and spirit. That steam roller was more like 2 separate entities for me. The first was recognizing the emotional drain and overwhelming nature of my thoughts. The second, was realizing for the first time in my life, that I may not be some powerful figure; but I bring a lot to my world. All of this, came through a great conversation with a trusted friend, and an amazing dream!
I'm sure I have mentioned that when I have a dream I remember in vivid format, that I pay attention to them. Typically if I have one of those dreams, they actually happen/become a reality. For years, I just wrote in my journals to remember the dreams in detail, and when something similar happened in real life, I would go back through and see how accurate they were. I would say about 90% accuracy is pretty good. Anyway, I keep journals for this and many other reasons. My journals have helped me see patterns in my life, helped me find food sensitivities, and even kept track of milestones in my life. From about 16 years old, clear through today, I have written journals about my life. All the good, bad, ugly and most memorable parts of my life are written down. Writing in my journals has really helped me to learn not only about myself, my temperament, and thoughts; but it has also allowed me to see some interesting and sometimes upsetting parts of myself that need some focus.
I believe that finding yourself in a world that pushes for conformity, is such a remarkable experience. I know so many that have become focused on blending in, not ruffling feathers, and keeping their true thoughts to themselves. I had become the same way. Afraid to go against the grain for fear of the backlash, the negative comments, the constant rumor mills that seem to run wild everywhere. I spent the better part of 3 years, miserable, broken, depressed and lonely. It was a time of feeling like I had fallen into a giant black hole, with no way to get out. Then, I had a couple of amazing dreams that showed me a way out, and that long conversation that allowed me to voice my thoughts in the most honest and forthright way; and WOW! It was like that door keeping the dark in, swung open wide and all I could see was beautiful light! I know some reading this will think I am exaggerating...but I can can tell you, I'm not! That was the exact feeling I had.
The past 2 weeks have been so much lighter, freer, and even more eye opening; than I have felt in years. I am finding that when a negative or dark thought enters my mind, I can see it immediately, and can push it aside. Finding something to laugh about everyday, finding something everyday to enjoy has become my goal, and seeing the real emotions of situations once again, has helped to start to understand them. There are still days that would be real easy to be negative and ride that slippery slope back into negativity, but I refuse to go there again! I am not like everyone else. I have my own thoughts, emotions, feelings, and needs. I am not a materialist person, but I do have needs and wants; that I have allowed to slip through to make everyone else happy. I have accepted, that by allowing my own needs and wants to be thrown by the wayside, I had become a very resentful, angry, lonely and unhappy person.
As the past few weeks have allowed me to see a lot clearer, there are still areas I know I need to work on. There are areas that I'm not sure how to fix, but I know they need to change. There are plenty of areas I am still trying to understand, but I can at least see them now. I am finding areas that have awoken from a deep sleep, and are demanding some attention again. There are thoughts and emotions, I have to learn to accept again, that have been turned off for so many years. Then there is forgiveness. This is something that has always been difficult for me. I have never been someone who could forgive and forget. I guess to some degree, I'm still not. However, I am going through a time that allowing forgiveness, for things I still feel are wrong is the right thing to do and the right thing for me. I am forgiving of those who have treated me poorly, have used me, have taken advantage of me, lied to me, and I am forgiving those who have treated as if I am never good enough. I am forgiving, but I don't forget. Just because I am forgiving all the wrong doing, I will not trust those who have treated me in those ways to ever be an important part of my life. I am all for second chances, but when those second chances are blown...I'm done! I have more respest for myself, than to continually allow another person to treat me poorly.
Accepting myself, as I am, has been rather difficult. I am not the girl I was growing up in either of the small towns I called home. I am not the young woman I was when I was married the first time. I am not the young woman I was when I moved to Missouri to sow my wild oats. I not the young first time Mom, I was in my late 20's. I'm not even the woman I was when I was given my precious second child. I have evolved into the woman I am today. A little of each of those other masks still there, but overall, I am so much more. I am so much stronger, wiser, insightful, educated, and yes, even a little harder. The past few years had closed off my heart, not just my emotions. I was cold at best, and my notorious nickname, an "ice princess," at worst. The only one to see my heart at all, were my kids and occasionally my husband. I kept my thoughts to myself, for the most part. I kept quiet, rather than make waves when I didn't agree. Rather than voicing my thoughts and needs; I would hide them and push them away to keep the peace. It became a very lonely, and unsustainable existence. It became easier to blame everyone else for feeling like my world was crashing at my feet. It was easier to become resentful of everything and everyone that caused my own hopes and dreams to crumble. You know what, it wasn't everyone else that had done this to me...it was ME! I had allowed myself to become the door mat, the venting post, the scape goat, etc. I didn't feel strong enough to stand up for me or what I wanted or didn't.
Guess what?!?!?! I am not only strong enough now, but I am going after what I want and need! I am not going to allow my dreams and goals to be shoved to a back burner so everyone else can have/do what they want. I am just as important as they are. I will probably always have some ice in my veins, but I am not that cold hearted bitch that so many have seen. I am also not a door mat, to walked on. I am not some battering ram to treat with recklessness, and I am not going to take responsibility for things that had nothing to do with me! I will admit my own flaws and mistakes; but I am not taking on anyone elses to keep the peace any longer. I can't. I'm not perfect, nor do I want to be. I am, however, perfectly me, when I allow myself to be. I've heard it said that we teach others how to treat us. If this is true, I have been giving VERY bad lessons! That all changes now! The lesson to teach now; I can be your most loyal and trustworthy friend or someone you once knew. There is no room in my life for games that should have ended with school days, there is not room in my life for bull shit excuses, and there is not room in my life for those that just want to come around occasionally just to get a little more gossip. If you want to gossip, do it somewhere else. I have better things to do with my time! I have plenty of compassion for people who are real with me, but for those who use me; this is your notice to just keep walking! You are no longer welcome around me.
This peaceful feeling of finally being back in control of myself, is just that. It's peaceful, but the control I have always felt I needed, is control of myself. It's control, but it's not. I need to control my surroundings, and my emotions. My emotions can become a bit overwhelming, but when I finally have control over them...they are a manageable beast. My surroundings, is a whole different beast. Most married couples, if they are honest, will tell you that controling your surroundings while married gets to be like a roller coaster. There are times it's easy, and other times it becomes a battle of wills. By now, you all know my short story of being married. This town kid moves to another state to sow some wild oats, gets degree, plans to move back home, falls in love with local farm boy, married, 2 kids, and a home later; only to be pulled in more directions than possible and not knowing which end is up. There you have it. :-) Now then, it's that short story, with a whole life time of other little stories in between that makes up my real life, the one I live everyday. It's those little in between stories that tell the whole story. There is absolutely no one that knows ALL the in between stories. Once again, what goes on behind closed doors, away from prying eyes, that tell the most. It's those parts that most people never see. It's the behind the scenes stories that make or break relationships, both marital and otherwise. It's the little jabs that are rarely heard by more than 1 or 2 people, the snide remarks that build up over time, and the collective reasoning of a good person/bad person, that fills in all the blanks for someone not willing to see the big picture. It's that big picture that make up the stories of each of our lives. My big picture has many flaws, many lessons learned, and much happiness in the grand scheme of things. My story is beautiful in its own right. Even through the last 3 years of darkness, and some of the in between stories that have been dark, I am truly blessed to not only have the experiences, but to have a means of expressing them in the best way I know...writing.
Being pulled by a life that seems to have left you behind, can be a bit demoralizing. You have a life you grew up in, and miss, trying to remain somewhat in. Then you have the new life you jumped into, only to find you were no where near prepared, or ready to take on. You have the family you were born into and the family you married into. You are pulled in multiple directions just with extended families. Then you can't forget about the financial pull. The one that says, oops, sorry. There's no money left for you visit the family that lives away from you. There's no time available to visit either. Yet, your heart is pulling you to do just that. Your heart is pulling you take the time and money, even though there isn't enough of either, to visit those family and friends. Your heart is telling you that you need that time, you need those connections, and you need to free yourself even if just for a short while. It becomes a vicious cycle, and one that has weighed heavily on my mind for many years. As my extended family and long time friends will tell you, about once a year, is my extent for visits back home. Then those visits are very short. Getting away with girlfriends for a weekend, is non-existent anymore, but not because I don't want them. Taking time away from my family, becomes an impossible guilt trip of spending money we don't have, taking time away from my family, and if I go alone...yikes. Typically, anytime I try to do something on my own, it becomes some type of stupid rumor...so I have quit doing it all together. It's just not worth the hassle. My life has become this horribly repetitive cycle of waking up, feeding the kids, doing school work, doing dishes, cooking meals, doing laundry, cooking some more, twice a day animal chores, cooking supper, doing dishes for the 3rd time in a day, taking showers, and crashing. This is an every day pattern...are you even seeing a part of that that says leaving the house?! I don't, and typically, if I leave the house...I don't leave the property. Literally, weeks on end of not stepping foot away from our property. Sure, I love being at home and have some of the most beautiful scenery ever to look at, but seeing something new would help break up the monotony. This is the life I have chosen. To allow for everyone else to have what they want and need, I stay home. I don't spend money - except to pay bills or buy groceries. I don't make the time or take any money to go see my extended family. I don't take the time or money to spend time with some of my best friends; which saves some rumor mill gossip anyway since several of them are guys.
What has really hit me the last few weeks, is how much I have become resentful. How pathetic is that. I'm resentful of things, I should be able to change, or at least speak up for. I wasn't strong enough though. I have been too concerned with being something I am not. I have several guy friends, some I dated...some, not. My best friend and I have plenty of history together, and more stories than I would ever want to tell...we'd both be in trouble if I did! No matter what the history is between my friends and I, I value them and want them in my life. No matter who likes it and who doesn't! I refuse to hide conversations, since I obviously do absolutely nothing wrong or indecent, there's no point. Those who like to gossip and speculate about my life or anyone's for that matter, should probably close the closet doors...their own skeletons may fall out! Being resentful, and writing, has helped me to pinpoint a few thoughts that lead to negativity. By being what I feel is a good person, I have let go of my own desire for a more fulfilled life. No before I go any further, I do have a good life. It's been a wild ride, but it's good! When I refer to a more fulfilled life, I am referring to not only seeing that my husband and our kids dreams come true; but also to ensuring that mine do. I am learning that I can't be the best person I can be, without making sure my own needs are being met. Yes, I there isn't much I am not capable of, but there are a few things. I am happy that I am able to do so much when I make up mind to do so. However, that has also caused some trouble. When you are a self-sufficient person, people tend to forget about you, use you, take advantage of you and yes even belittle you. This is first hand knowledge. I am always home, so having a regular babysitter/care taker for my kids isn't needed. However, trying to take college classes, organize finances, having a regular date night or even just some much needed time alone; becomes a chore to undertake. Taking the time for a date night becomes more work than what it's worth, and by the time you get everything organized, it's not all that enjoyable or half the time is gone just trying to get a few things done without kids in tow. Getting the time to spend one on one with my extended family has been a circus for years. It becomes a game of making sure you spend equal time with everyone, and hope you get to see the extended - extended members of family, even if just briefly. Making time for coffee with my long time friends on my short trips home, is almost impossible! Then, it becomes another game. Take the hubby and kids to coffee, and have surface conversations while battling the kids to sit still, or leave them at the hotel and go have coffee only to get one guilt trip or another when you are gone too long. Making a trip home alone...HA! I did this last year, and my 5 days were a nice get away, but I went to help my Mom while my grandfather was pretty ill and even though I got to spend some time with my best friend and then a little time with just my mom and sister, and had supper with my Dad and Step-Mom; it went by really quick. Even in 5 days, I didn't get to see everyone I had hoped to. My trips up there seem to be rushed trips anymore. They are typically only for weddings, funerals, or some other special event. There are no more weekend shopping trips at Christmas or girls weekends, there are no more fun trips up there to visit some of my favorite places to share with my kids. Our life here consumes every ounce of time, money and energy we have. Please don't get wrong! I love my life, and I don't want to change it completely. These are just some of the realizations I have come to.
There are some areas that I do need to change, and I am working towards them. The financial headaches of living on a small farm, are just par for the course - from what I am told. I am not cut out for unknown though. It stresses me, and I don't like the constant juggling and creative budgeting. I am just a short bit away from my own graduation, where I can finally start another career and finally have a little breathing room in the budget. Of course, this "short bit" is relative to working around my kids and life. Seeing a budget that is doable with just a little extra each month is reachable, but when it's not "there," it stresses me to no end! We don't spend foolishly, so there isn't stupid inclusions in the budget for that. However, there will be a new addition going in the budget real soon. One that will allow for a few weekend mini-vacations for my family, and at least one weekend for just me to get away so see the friends I miss so much!
Which brings about a whole other issue. For more than 10 years now, I have been a stay-at-home-mom. Aside from a short stint of working at a local bar and grill. Even before that, my interactions with people locally have been limited, for a long time. I have a few people that I know and just a very few who I consider friends here. I've mostly met them through my son's classmates when he was in public school, or my husband, and 2 that I met when I first moved to Missouri 17 years ago. There are only 1 or 2 that I can say I would trust with my deepest feelings though. I have not found the connections here, for the most part, that I feel I need to call them close friends. Which I guess if I looked closely enough, I would realize there are only 5 people in my entire life that I can say I had a strong enough connection to, to be able to be completely real with. The one I count on the most, we can go months and have gone years without talking, and we just pick right back up where we left off. We can still look at each other and be able to see, without saying a word, when something needs to be said. We have had our share of disagreements, and more fun times than I could count; but she's always just a phone call away. And if we get together, oh boy, watch out! We will bottom out multiple pots of coffee and solve the problems of the world, and talk for HOURS! She's one of those friends that I never have to be careful what I say, because I know I can trust her and she can trust me too! Anyway, with being out of any kind of social loop for so long, it becomes difficult to meet anyone, let alone getting to know anyone. Everyone is wrapped up in their lives; whether it's their children's sporting or extra curricular events, their jobs, or any number of other activities normal people do...I don't so there isn't much in the way of meeting people. I suppose this is probably ok for the most part, since there seems to be so much drama, gossip and status shuffling going on today. The idea of real friendships, seems to be a piece of the past.
I don't seem to connect with many people and I am certain it's because I am so very different from most. I am an open minded type of person, not to mention opinionated, set in my ways, and intolerant of ignorance. :) I have strong opinions about matters that most people disagree with me about. I am definitely not a trend setter, or out to wear or buy the latest fashions. I am not into all the girl stuff - manicures, pedicures, getting my hair done regularly, shopping(HATE), and the whole game of keeping up with the Jones' is an idea I see as a waste of time. I do love to have nice things, but I'd rather build them, make them or buy something second hand and restore it. I do love shoes, though I have only a few pair. I love the idea of feeling pretty once in awhile; and I mean dressing up, with the whole matching under clothes, a nice dress and a pair of heals, and actually doing my hair and make up. Although I usually don't take the time to do most of that. The idea of trying to impress anyone, not going to happen! I am who I am, live how I live, and if someone doesn't like it...they don't need to come back around. When it comes to most of my opinions, I try to keep them to myself to avoid too much negativity in my life and email box. I am a firm believer in personal responsibility and accountability, and self-expression as long as it doesn't physically hurt anyone else. I believe in being patriotic, but don't believe we need to be the police of the world. I believe our military members should have a higher income than our government officials. I believe there should be a term limit on our congress and senate just as there is for a president. I believe that everyone is equal, and if you break a law you should have to do the time. I don't care what race, nationality, sexual preference you have; if you are a good person, you are a good person. I believe the idea of marriage is a joke. What began as a man marrying a woman to "allow" her to become someone; has grown into a circus of people marrying for convenience, or for benefits, and with half of all marriages ending in divorce...it seems to me to be a waste of time and money, and destroys good relationships. I do not believe that I have to attend a religious service to be faithful and spiritual, although I do understand the fellowship of doing so. There is also a lot of hypocrisy that happens too. I believe our country was founded by those who were religious, but they wanted religion kept out of the rule of government to prevent this country from becoming like the countries they had left behind. They wanted a separation of church and state; and somewhere along the way, that has not been the way it was kept.
I will be honest, I am firmly in an attitude of realization, inspiration and change. I am finally strong enough again, to be real with what I need. I love my garden, and canning or preserving food. I love my horses, chickens, cats and beagles. The pigs are fun but expensive. The cows frighten me. The hunting dogs don't really phase me, but they can be noisy. The up and down roller coaster of depending on the weather to put up hay, the people that want eggs or pigs for next to nothing, the predators that keep killing my chickens; these are areas that I seem to be struggling with. We are all aware that controlling mother nature, will not happen. So, that's a gamble that we can't seem to win. Anytime you have to depend on someone or something else, never sits well for me. Too many times, when you have to depend on someone or something else; you either never hear the end of it or you are at their mercy. I don't take kindly to either! This is why I do everything I can on my own. If I let myself down, that's my own issue. Realizing how far away from my own needs and I wants that I have gotten, at first was overwhelming. Now, though, it's my guiding light. Now, I can see what I don't want, and the direction that I do want to go. I have been inspired by a few to move forward. To stop focusing on what I don't want, and to start focusing on what I do. The inspiration to live my life to the fullest, is such an amazing feeling! I am struggling through my schooling, and yes it's a struggle. I have no doubt I can do it and do it well, but getting everything knocked out in a timely matter, is not happening. I need to get some boundaries set, so that I can do what I need to do without interruption. I will do this and graduate; SOON! Realizing that I am not really completely different from who I have always been, but I am so much more, has been eye opening - to say the least. The difference is that I have buried so much of the old me beneath expectations and fear. Being a responsible adult tends to change a few things. I've taken more time lately to spend with the kids, and less to worry about the housework and laundry. It's been a great change. Instead of constant lessons and bickering about clean bedrooms and chores, I have taken time to see their newest creations on their video game, see whatever videos they are watching. Making sure that when I make brownies or cake, that the kids get to lick the spoons. Coloring with my daughter. Watching the fake wrestling(WWE) with my son. These little things that mean something to them....it makes a difference. Even talking with my husband, and voicing my opinion when it's different than his...this was something I haven't done much of for a while. When he has a negative opinion or thought, it used to drag me right down with him; but it hasn't lately. I know he has his hands full with different stuff, and I have no problem listening but instead of taking on those emotions myself, I have learned to separate those feelings from my own. Other's emotions have always affected me, so being able to separate my emotions from those of other people, is a huge bonus!
Finding my personal strength again has left me feeling free again. Not feeling like I'm trapped either by circumstance or life; has taken on a refreshing role. I don't like feeling dependent on anyone for anything. However, I have allowed myself to accept that there are times I need help. That doesn't make me weak, it makes me human. I have no problem continuing to be self-sufficient, but it puts more stress on me than necessary. This is an area that I am having to make baby steps on. I don't like to ask for help, and I know there are times I need to. Breaking out of the mundane that life has become, is another area that is a necessity. A daily routine, or schedule, may work for some and even to some degree for me, but I have to have more. I need more spontaneous in my life and less routine. I need more time that I can do the things I want to do, and not just trudging through what I have to do. I am learning to say NO, without having a reason. As I am also learning that I too, need time that is not meant for anything other that what I want to do. So much of my own attitude, and personality has been pushed aside because it's not "becoming" when it disagrees those you spend the most time with. I think this happens over time to most people, even if not intentional. Responsibilities, the socially acceptable behaviors, and even sometimes, a change in opinion cause people to change against their will. Many of us, may not like the direction we are going, but we don't have the time or energy to change it. It's a scary feeling to know how far off course you have gotten, and not having a clear path back is a bit unnerving. For some, they continue on the same course and just let their hopes and dreams fade. Some make radical changes(i.e. midlife crisis), some(like me) finally see clearly, and others just divorce, go wild, and lose themselves in a whole new way. No matter where everyone else is, I am seeing clearer and brighter every single day.
I am recognizing negativity when I see it, and letting it go. I am seeing areas that need to change and will work towards them with renewed energy. I take my responsibilities seriously, but I am also taking my own needs seriously again too. I am forgiving every single wrong doing and person who has treated me poorly; so I can find my own peace. I am letting go of the resentment for my own needs and wants that have not been met; and I am going to make sure they are. I am stressing less over not having a spotless house, and focusing more on my kids that are growing up so quickly. I am stressing less over finances, and will do what I can, and the rest will be taken care as I can. I am working toward graduation with a few goals in mind. Getting a job, making a decent income, working from home, and using part of my income to be able to get back home more than once a year, and taking my kids on short trips to do some fun things we've only talked about. I am moving forward with a new light. I am moving forward with the reminder that I don't have to pretend to be anyone...I am just fine being me, the REAL me! It's ok if people don't like me, don't agree with me or think I am not worthy of them. Honestly, I don't want those kind of people around me anyway! I have already eliminated several from life that treated me poorly, and I have no problem eliminating more if necessary. You can either accept me as I am, or not. If not, save us both some time and move on! Aside from those that live in my house, NO ONE knows everything that goes on behind closed doors. Just as no one knows what goes on in your life behind closed doors. Don't judge a circumstance by the surface situation you see. I am looking forward to seeing all the facets of myself re-emerge and I'm sure to find some new ones in the process too. This game of life, is about to get fun again.
Peace of mind, body and soul,
Salli
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