I am on a bit of a tangent this morning, with stupid rumors, people that have their noses out of joint, and those that need judge or belittle someone else for doing what is best for them. Not to mention, just general things that frustrate me.
There comes a time in life, when you have to evaluate emotional and physical influences of your life, and decide if those influences are worth your time or effort. Those influences come from a multitude of directions and people that you are connected to or allow in your life in any form. Taking the time to understand the situations around you, and getting to know people to their true selves can be a bit overwhelming. When it comes to getting to know people, this has gotten so much more difficult with all the technology now. People meet online, and get to "know" them as they present themselves through the cables connecting everyone 24/7. However, the person you meet online, more than likely has more elements than they tell through the internet. Some of these may be good elements, while others, not so much! This is another area that just sends me into orbit.
Sure, the internet is a great way to meet people. It has opened doors to so many possibilities that weren't there 20 years ago. However, some of the doors that it's opening are ones better off left closed! When you meet someone online, you don't have the visual guide of meeting in person. You can't look into their eyes to see if they are a piece of crap. You can't visually see when they are telling you something, if they are acting or trying to hide something. The ability to physically observe someone when you meet them, is a hang up for me. If I meet someone, and they behave in a jumpy manor, I am questioning their honesty. If I meet someone and they won't look me in the eye, that is a sure fire red flag for me. I'm sorry but if I can physically observe someone's behavior, I am sure as heck not going to pursue even a friendship with them. I'm sure this is my own untrusting personality coming out but I am a firm believer in my gut instincts.
Even through social media, I do not allow people I do not know personally to see much. I keep my life away from too many prying eyes. My blogs are written without names, and most of the time are only a fraction of too much that is personal to me. My circle of friends is pretty tight, and pretty limited. There are very few that I allow in my home, and the ones that are....are typically people I know on a personal level. There are even fewer that are given any insight into who I am as a person, and what goes on regularly in my life. The idea of opening my life to someone I've met online, is completely mind boggling.
The whole online dating thing, OMG! I know so many that have done this, or are doing this, but for me - there would be no way in hell it would happen! There is too much crap out there, and I want no part of it! Even IF I were in a position to date, I would not do this even if it meant being alone forever! I know this isn't a news flash, but people lie! They do it in person too, but at least by looking at them, you can usually tell. By using a computer screen...yikes! You can "be" anything you want to be online. Too many choose not the "be" themselves! Too many are willing to only show their good sides, until they have you locked into a relationship in person...and once this whole technology thing took off; now it's ten times worse!
I am not a good liar. I know this and I don't even try. As the social media post I read yesterday says:"I know what I bring to the table, and I am happy to eat alone." This is true for me. I am a handful at best, and a bitch at worst. I am a strong minded person, with different beliefs than most. The beliefs I hold onto are ones I have researched, and learned about. I'm not going to be changing them anytime soon. This being said, there are VERY few that even attempt to befriend me. I am ok with that. I am not good at handling what I perceive as stupidity or ignorance, nor do I tolerate gossiping. I am more than happy to stay to myself than to lower my standards. I don't handle compromise well, especially if it's not something I believe in. On many things, I am a person that is a "my way or highway," type. With this being said, my 16 years of learning curve in my life, has had me questioning where I got off course, but I am working to right it now.
There are so many that don't know themselves anymore, and I wonder how on earth they expect to get to know others. With the high divorce rates, the swinging doors of relationships, and now the online stuff; how can you ever be in a real relationship without knowing who you are, what you want, and where you want to go with your life? Finding someone to share your life with is hard, but not impossible. Finding someone that you can be completely real with is definitely hard. When you don't know yourself, these things are impossible. You may find someone or something that works for a stage of your life, but when you lose yourself or begin to refind yourself, sometimes the person or thing no longer works. Each of us change throughout life. That's something that allows us to keep progressing. However, too many choose to look past things that are tell-tale signs that things aren't working. Too many become too comfortable with how things are going, and don't see that their paths are no longer the same. It becomes very easy to settle into a routine that is comfortable. Then time moves on, and you find that you are no longer comfortable, but just existing. The regular routines bog you down, and you feel like the path you are on is too stifling. It's at that moment you will feel trapped. Trapped by life, circumstances, and the people in your life. This is when knowing yourself, has to come into play. This is when you must face the music of the path you have chose, and decide where you want to go. For me, this has been an awakening. Through many years, you change and lose parts of yourself that slowly slip away until they are no longer part of you. When you reach a stage that requires you to open your eyes, it can become overwhelming. Sometime over the course of many years, I lost many parts of myself and didn't even realize it. I rode out every roller coaster that life threw at me. I held onto the hope that eventually I would find an area of my life that I lost, again. The difference for me, I allowed myself almost 2 years of learning about myself before getting married again. I spent time alone and grew to enjoy it. I was able to learn about my likes and dislikes; when there are so many out there that haven't been given that chance.
I learned how to be independent, how to enjoy being alone, and what made me happy. The difficult part, is when you throw another person into that mix, that has different experiences and different areas they enjoy. This is called a relationship. This is when life gets more complicated. It's never easy to put 2 separate people under one roof, and basically tell them to sink or swim. You have to have a strong sense of self and the desire to learn something new. Even if it isn't what you want or like. Many relationships have succumbed to this learning curve, and many much longer than my own. If you aren't willing to try something new, you can't know if it's something you want or don't, but too many seem to jump ship before giving anything a true conscience effort. I can tell you that some of the bumps in my own road have left me wanting to jump ship, many times. Some of the new areas of my life have been great. Some, not so much! Being someone who spent a lot of time in a city, shopping, and going to some amazing locations; to living in the middle of no where, hating to shop, and not really going anywhere - ever, has been difficult for me. For the most part, I am OK with being home most of the time and not having to shop. There are times, some lately, that I want to run out the door screaming and start all over. 17 years of being away from my family and dearest friends, has had me going a bit stir crazy lately. More on that later. This is when knowing yourself is very important. This is when being able to voice your needs, wants and desires is even more important. Most of us, have gone through a courtship, so to speak, before getting into a relationship. That courtship is suppose to allow you time to get to know the other person, and learn how to merge your lives into one, before getting married or into a committed relationship. The dating stage is usually fairly easy. You find someone you're attracted to, you have the wining and dining stage, and the sweet experiences, but that is still early on. The longer the courtship, the more real people become with each other. This is usually when relationships are made or broken. You learn more about each other, but you should also learn more about yourself. What your likes, dislikes and what your tolerances are. If you don't have the option of doing this or doing it for an extended time, you are denying yourself the chance to know exactly what you want. If you don't have time alone, to learn about yourself, you can't ever really know what you are capable of , what you want and what you don't. Sure, everything can work out and you can find your forever. However, many times, that's just not the case.
When I was kid, divorce was really not a common occurrence. It was still relatively unheard of. Unlike my grandparents generation, people were realizing that they didn't have to stay married if they were miserable. Although it's not the case, when my parents divorced, I felt like the odd man out. I was a kid, 11 or 12 years old, and none of my friends parents' were divorced. I felt like a spectacle for awhile. I would hear other kids say that's the girl that has divorced parents and they would look at me like I was some kind of enigma for awhile. Well, before I graduated, there were many in the same boat. Since then, divorce rates have tripled, relationships involving years of time are being tossed out windows, and my attitude towards marriage is getting worse by the day. The idea of people staying faithful is almost not heard of anymore, relationships are becoming more about convenience, and even the ones that do actually try to have good marriages are met with unrealistic expectations. Too many times marriage becomes the issue, when one or both people have either neglected their own needs or have out grown the relationship all together. To me, marriage becomes a trap in either situation, and God forbid you try to take back those needs or take the necessary space to keep that marriage alive. Between the pathetic rumor mills, and the ridiculousness of jealousy; it becomes a major trap. In my own life, I don't do much alone, since it ends up causing a shit storm of rumors or I hear the excessive chatter of not being the responsible adult I should be. I can tell you that feeling trapped is a horrible place to be in. Even when your marriage is not what causes you to feel trapped, the "religious" outlook of marriage can. The legal and religious implications of marriage are hindering in a spiritual growth path. I have heard from men and women alike, about how crazy the opposite sex is. I will not disagree. Women today have become high maintenance, drama queens and gossip central. Men today are all about sex, beer and whatever catches their attention at the time. Although this isn't really much different from any other period of time; it is in the sense that now technology is there to share with the world every facet of our lives. Not so different from years ago, everyone seems to be out to take more than their fair share, and to make someone else look bad in the process. Very rarely do you see someone who is divorcing say, "they are a great person, but it just isn't working out." Then in a divorce situation, you usually have kids involved. This is another area that I have personally been burnt by. Folks, kids are not pawns. They are not bargaining tools to screw your spouse, and lying to them will come back to haunt you later. If you are going to divorce, and there are kids involved, you better find a way to make nice. You better find a way work together as the parents, and not bad mouth the other parent, not use the kids visitation as a pawn, and you better not lie to them and tell them something that they will grow up to learn the truth. No matter what your differences are, you better put that aside for the betterment of your children. You and your spouse had children together, you better plan on raising those children together even if you separate! You better establish some sort of friendship to work with their other parent. I do understand this is not always possible when the other parent wants nothing to do with them. This is about those parents that play games with the kids, just to get back at the other parent. Children need BOTH parents, especially if that is what they are accustomed to. Even if you are a part-time parent, you are just as important as the one doing the main parenting. This irritates me every time I hear about it. If your names are on the birth certificates, you better step up and do your part. You better play nice and raise those kids to be good people. You better step up and accept the responsibility that you took on by getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant. There is no excuse acceptable for not working as a team to raise the children you created.
As I said, this year has been the year for divorces. I'm not sure why, but there have been a lot. People that have been married for 15 or more years are walking away from their relationships, and the common link I have heard, is to find themselves or that they have outgrown their relationships. As I mentioned, I have been dealing with my own path for several years now. While my marriage is better than it's ever been, I still am feeling a bit trapped. My husband is great about telling me to do what I need to do, but there are still limits as there is with any relationship. Obviously, I am not the type to mess around, but that's not to say I haven't been accused of it...many times. I am also not the type that handles outside interference well. Spending so many years away from my own family, has really played a big role for me. While, I could not live right by them again, seeing them a little more than a few times a year would be great. Being able to see my only grandfather, and my aunts, uncles and cousins more would be great too. I don't live an insane distance from them, but life doesn't allow for much more than what I have been doing. Living far enough away, doesn't allow time for my long distance friendships either. Everyone has busy lives, and no one is able to break away for long. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't willing give up a weekend to spend with them, because I would in a heart beat. It has just become so easy to Facebook, or text. Sure these are great avenues to keep in touch, but not great when you want to actually SEE them. Then you throw in kids, spouses, and the ever present cell phones; and you have a complete cluster or a three ring circus. Taking a few days alone, is not something I have been able to implement, although I really would like to. Having a few days to think without interruption, to be able to calm a busy mind, and be able to put some sort of perspective back on the table; this is what is the hardest about relationships. In mine, what little time isn't spent as a family, is spent trying to revive marital relations. Trying to hold on to the thread of hope that no matter what may cross our paths, we can face it and win. So, for me, when the kids aren't with me, this is the time I try to keep my marriage moving forward and keep it from becoming stagnant. Taking time away from my family, seems to be selfish to me. Even though I know it would help me, it causes me some panic. Whenever I go anywhere or do anything, I have either one or both of the kids, the entire family, or my husband with me. I don't do anything alone. I am someone who has always needed time alone. I'm not sure when I let that little part of me slip, but it's been gone for a long time. This is where I believe relationships start to head south. We all fall into a relationship and we all want what has been fed to us about the American Dream - spouse, 2 kids, house with white picket fence, 2.5 cars, and a dog. Well, that's all great and fine, but they forgot to mention the obstacles that will be thrown into your path, they forgot to mention how difficult it is to keep a marriage from becoming stagnant and too comfortable, and they forgot to mention that both people in that marriage need to be true to themselves. Yes, some people are happy to be attached at the hip and do everything together. I for one, don't need that. I did, in the beginning. I wanted someone that was going to do everything with me, and wanted someone who would enjoy doing everything I did so we could do it together. As I have gotten older though, I don't need that anymore. Now, I want time together and to enjoy something together, but spending every minute together possible...no thanks! I like my independence. I like doing some things together, but I need my time alone more now than ever. It's not to say that I don't appreciate every time my husband tries to do something I like but he hates it, and it's not to say that I want to go spend a week alone every few weeks. I just need my alone time to recharge. No television, no constant ringing of telephones, no kids bickering, no constant cooking/cleaning up for a few days, no one demanding anything of me for a few days, and just being able to breath and clear my head. Yes, that sounds very selfish even to me. However, I know what I need, because years ago, I took the time to get to know myself. I know when I get overwhelmed, I withdraw from everyone, my mind and body goes into fight or flight mode. (I have lived with this flight or fight mode for several years now.) I can't get focused, or concentrate on any one thing for any length of time. My patience become paper thin, my tolerance becomes non-existent, and my body begins to attack itself with one illness or another. Having finally reached a point of more clarity, I am seeing more of why the past several years have been so difficult for me. I am able to see more of why and how the negativity enveloped me, and was able to take hold.
Without allowing myself the things I knew I needed, I have denied myself the ability to come out of fight or flight mode, and in return, my body is constantly in motion. I allowed horrible habits to take over as a means to help shut it down some. Allowing the alcohol to shut off my minds constant chatter, and cigarettes to help ease the constant stress. Eating has become something just to quiet the rumblings in my stomach, and even these blogs have allowed most of my thoughts to filter out without having to find the right way to word them. My vocabulary has become that of children, animals, and occasionally has to be dropped even lower to deal with uneducated people. Being able to "socialize," is not easy for me to begin with, but when you are holed up away from the world, you don't have to. Thinking too far outside the box, opens you up to a shit storm of repercussions you would not believe. Taking constructive criticism from someone you have little respect or trust in, becomes an instant battle ground too. I grew up, probably like many kids from divorced homes, learning to adapt quickly. You had your home, the other parents home, 2 sets of rules, your own thoughts, and learning to be gritty when the situation needed you to be so. I also had a bad temper thrown in, just to antagonize matters. Even though I learned to control that temper many years ago, lately it has become more and more difficult to keep it in check. There isn't one individual situation that is wearing that control so thin, but years of repressing my own needs and dealing with underhandedness that is doing the trick. For years, I have let opinions, attitudes, and many little jabs undermine, what I was willing to tolerate, and deal with. Now, though, I am having a harder time biting my tongue and keeping the peace. Now whenever something is said or done, I want to rant, rave, and to some degree start throwing crap to release the anger I feel in the moment. So far, I am still able to tamp it back down, but I'm not sure how long I can keep tamping it down without some sort of release.
As I am growing stronger everyday, finding the best way to get what I need and to still be all I am expected to be, is difficult. I am remembering things I need to, keep my attitude in check, and I am working toward the other needs I have too. This is not an easy process. I am struggling to accept things I can not change, being adaptable has not been the case for years. Change scares the shit out of me. I have become very comfortable in my life, even with the few areas of contention. I just need to find a way to make sure my needs are being met, and that I don't keep pushing them under a rug. I've said before, I am not a materialistic person, so the needs I have are more natural in issue; such as my time alone to recharge. Being able to ask for help, and accept it; not to mention being able to depend on it, are difficult for me. Learning that the control I need is more control of myself, and my thoughts; than those around me. I need to control my surroundings to keep control of my own attitude.
Losing yourself in a relationship is going happen. Good or bad, it happens. Sometimes finding a new you, a better you, is exactly what you need. When you lose yourself, and don't like who you have become; then you need to make changes. Some are making drastic changes by divorcing, but I don't feel that I need that drastic change. I do however, need some big changes to get back to who I want to be. I don't like this mousy, dependent, anxiety ridden woman I have become. I don't like feeling panicky whenever I leave our property knowing I am going to have to deal with people, and I don't like the constant tongue biting to keep from ruffling feather. I was not like this when I met or married my husband. Being treated poorly years ago, would have resulted in either a huge argument, someone else getting clobbered, or I would walk away and never be around the person treating me badly again. While I will say that physically fighting was the wrong way to deal with anything, but I did not put up with being treated poorly. The people I chose to be around treated me with respect, or they were gone. Allowing anyone to put me down, was something I refused to accept once I was an adult. To this day, I figure if I am not doing things the way you would, that's fine, but there is no need to belittle anyone for doing things their way.
It's amazing how much has been on my own plate, and that I still go about my life as if there's nothing on it. Yes, I am proud of being able to finally see clearly again and see areas that need to change. I am happy that I can be honest with my needs and wants, even though I know they will make plenty of waves. I know that the strong, determined person I have always been is still here, I just needed to be dusted off. I'm glad that so far, I have been able to keep my marriage going when so many have not had the privilege. I am glad to be a full-time mom, and keeper of our home; even when it gets overwhelming. I am glad for the few times a year that I can focus on solely being a wife. Now, I need to spend some time figuring out how to work in some time to solely be me - not mom, not wife...just Salli. I have had a huge amount of support dealing with and accepting so much of my life the last few years, and I will be forever grateful for that. I am learning how to accept the woman I am, and am learning how to rediscover the woman I want to be.
After so much that has happened the past few years, it makes it easy to be grateful for all that I do have. I am still not accepting of some of my past that still haunts me, and even though I can forgive for those issues forever, they will always be apart of who I am today. Even with the ice that runs through my veins, there are still areas that hurt and upset me. However, I am dealing with them the best way I know how, and they will not play a big part of my life. Dealing with gut instincts and the vibes that radiate off of some people, have been acknowledged and pushed aside.
The rumor mills seem to work over time anymore, and I'm guessing it's because those gossiping either have their lives in order or are bored to death with their lives so they feel the need to talk about others. I've always said it's amazing how much I can learn about myself through rumors. The area we live in seems to be a big hub for gossip, and there is always plenty to learn when you know the right people. Then you have people like me, that are not out and about enough so they make things up as they go. It's funny to me, to think that so many know my husband is married, but very few actually know who I am. Then again, I find it funny that even some people that are supposed to know me, don't.
So much of the world today is becoming judgmental and divided. Too many have their noses out of joint, and if someone chooses not to follow the straight and narrow of what is deemed socially acceptable, they automatically become the source for this judgment and division. Is the path that everyone is on the exact same, I don't think so. I think everyone is on their own path to fulfillment, and those paths are going to be different for everyone. I can't understand not encouraging and lifting people up as opposed to judging them and stepping on them to make them feel like less. This seems counterproductive to me. Treating others as you wish to be treated, has flown right out the window. As soon as you are honest with someone, you are being disrespectful. As soon as you voice an opinion, you are either praised for having the same opinion as others or are torn apart for having a differing opinion. As soon as you want something outside the normal, you become the center of the rumor mill. I figure, who am I to tell someone they are wrong or judge them for something they have done. I don't know what happened in their life to bring them to the point they are today, and honestly....until my life is perfect...I have no right to judge anyway!
After a few days of new divorces announced, more crap from the rumor mill, and lives being torn apart because of someone else's misery...I needed to vent. Seriously people, if your life is so crappy that you have to butt into someone else's life to make you feel better. you need a life! Unless someone is sharing intimate details of their lives, you don't have a clue. I am more than happy to share my personal journey through these blogs, but there is NO ONE besides those that live in my house, that will ever know all the details. Having crossed paths with some that love to gossip, I will tell you this, when it comes to my life: UNLESS you hear something from my husbands or my mouth....it's probably not true!
I am done ranting for now. Take care of yourselves, and ignore those that want to share their misery with you. Only you know the path you are on, and what you need for your life.
Salli
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