My visit home, to see my grandpa.

"Grandpa and I always toyed with his electric trains, RC boats, and building whatever we could out of left over junk. For those lessons, that special time, and the unconditional love; I will always be grateful!"


Just a couple of weeks ago, I went back to my hometown for 8 days. The trip was not planned, but fueled by a procedure that my grandfather had to have. While the details were sketchy of all the illness his body was consuming, it felt very important that I be there. So, here is what my trip home entailed.

I decided on a Sunday night, that I needed to be there for his Tuesday procedure. I decided to take the Amtrak up and save a little money, since this was not a planned trip. To do this, I had to work around their schedules(not good at being on some one else's schedule!). After multiple hours of tears and my youngest attaching herself to me for hours; I decided just to take her with me. I was told the procedure was one he had gone through 22 years ago, and he had died on the table then, but they were able to save him. I knew this would be a very risky procedure.

When I got to the hospital to see my Grandpa, I was blown away by how frail he looked. You have to understand, my grandpa was always such a pillar in my life. I spent a lot of time with him and my Grandma. Their house had always felt like home to me. When I needed to talk and needed direction; they were there. When I needed tough love; they were there. Grandpa always worked so hard, but had some of the most amazing hobbies!

As I walked into Grandpa's hospital room, I was struck to see him not only frail but almost fragile. We had to wear gloves to be near him because of the multiple illnesses. He did know I was there, to some degree, at least for a few days. However, by the time I left, I don't believe he did...and I don't believe he would have cared either way.

22 years ago, he had a bout with trigeminal neuralgia. This means: Paroxysmal shooting pains of the facial area around one or more branches of the trigeminal nerve, of unknown cause, but often precipitated by irritation of the affected area. Also called tic douloureux. Here is an idea of where the trigeminal nerves are:

This had reoccured, and the attending physicians had to try something to try to help this pain and allow my grandfather to be able to eat and drink again. The problems that existed with this pain, complicated matters. In addition to this problem, he had pneumonia, MRSA, his sugar levels and blood pressure were high also. He was malnurished and dehydrated from the the trigeminal neuralgia. Not to mention his age is twenty some years older now. The odds were stacked against him from the start.

To say my grandfather is a stubborn man, is the biggest understatement I could make! Stubborn, hard-headed, set in his ways...yes, I come by it honest! ;) With having the procedure it would help to ease the pain and give him the ability to eat and drink again. The odds were stacked against him. The proceedure was set for Tuesday, but no time was given. This was a huge break down in communication by doctors and the hospital. Anyway, the procedure was said to be about 20 minutes, long enough to go in to each of the trigeminal nerves and numb them. Almost 45 minutes later, the surgeon came out to discuss the results. A quick disclosure here: My grandfather has a DNR. If you don't know what this is, it's a Do not resusitate request in his medical directive. No heroic measures are to be taken with a DNR. This means if he was to quit breathing or his heart to stop, they could not try to bring him back. This said, when the surgeon prepared to do this surgery, they began with the second branch; which consisted of the upper lip, cheek and nose. When they entered the nerve, my grandfather quit breathing. They backed the needle out and he eventually began breathing again on his own. However, they were unable to to proceed with the other two branches. Because of this they said some of the pain would be subsided, but not all of it, and it was too risky to do anymore.

After just a few more days, the insurance company decided they wanted him back at the nursing home. So, with all the other health issues, he was transferred back to the nursing home. He did not know I was there after that. I didn't see him awake after that. After Friday, I started making my travel plans to come back home. Unfortunately, when you have to depend on other people's schedules, you have to do things on their time. So, I spent a little time with niece and nephew, my best friend and her son, and got a short visit with another friend, before allowing myself to the time I needed to accept that Grandpa was in the hands of the great creator. He is still alive, but honestly, his pain and living conditions are so much less than he would want. Not to mention that at some point he was diagnosed with Sun Downer Dementia. By mid to late afternoon, he is not in his right mind. Now, I am hearing of becoming physically violent too. That is not the grandfather I knew.

The time I spent with my family, will be time I will never regret. The hardest part of seeing my grandfather, was seeing how far he has depleted. At 91, I know he has lived a long life. I know he and my grandmother loved each other, and that he was always the pillar of our family. While I know I will be terribly saddened when he called home, but I also know when he is, he will no longer be in pain, will be free from suffering and will be with grandma again. Until then, I will pray for him to find peace, rest, and whatever relief will allow him to be pain free.

Salli

Calm, peaceful and accepting

"I've always heard when you are feeling overwhelmed, and scattered by life; just remove yourself for a little while."



Who would have guessed that the universe would put me in a position that forced me to remove myself from my own overwhelming situation?! Even though the circle of life played in a lot, a fear of traveling alone with my 6 yr old, and of course, the ever present financial short fall; were all to be considered too. Who would have have guessed that a 5-10% chance that my grandfather had had of making it through a surgery that he had twenty some years ago(and died on the table then), would be so stubborn to pull through it again. I am THRILLED that he did, but at the same time, I am saddened by his rapidly declining health. The list of health issues, his age, and a new diagnosis of Sundowner's Dementia has me prayer for him to not suffer with pain for long.

I have spent years trying to understand the changes I have been experiencing. From the desire to be true to myself, find a path that is right for me, missing my extended family & friends, a poor self-image, and realizing that I - in no shape or form, fit into a neat and tidy box of any kind! I have accepted that I am different than most, and I am perfectly ok with that. However, trying to stay true to myself, in a world of conformists, is difficult to do. Especially since everyone seems so judgmental, and everyone seems more than happy to tell everyone else how/the right way to live their lives. There seems to be this epidemic of people who have their noses out of joint, and in other peoples business.

Having accepted who I am, embracing it, and allowing myself to be true to me; has put me in a different mind set. Keeping an open eye to gratitude and a closed eye to constant criticism. I have learned that being myself, accepting my compassionate heart, my need for helping others, the love of making my house a home, my hobbies that allow me to build and make things, my spiritual path that does not fit any mold, and my ability to think beyond common knowledge; makes me a unique person. A person I am growing to like more everyday.

It's become this amazing soul searching time for me. Learning about myself has helped, but learning what makes my heart happy has been a rejuvenating feeling too. I had gotten away from so much of what had driven me to feel better, and a few steps back have reminded me why I felt better. It's a calming feeling to know that no matter what has happened in my life, I can still find pleasure in helping, being the best mom and wife I possibly can, taking pride in the wood crafts I create, allowing myself the room to continue growing spiritually without the constraints of organized religion, and giving myself the room to just dream again.

I recently took 8 days to do what felt right to me. I spent 8 days, being around my hometown and trying to help my mom with all the chaos in her life. I'm not sure if I actually helped, or made it harder for her...but I tried to help. I took my youngest with me, and it was a time for bonding for us too. I have taken time to meditate. Not to turn off thoughts, but to just let them flow as they would. I just stopped focusing on negative thoughts, and allowed all thoughts to flow. After each meditation, I found it so much easier to put thoughts negative thoughts to rest, and focus on the positive or productive thoughts. I have started back to my yoga. The slow, melodous movements help channel negative energy out, and helps with muscle building too. I have even reworked the chore charts in my home. No more of every chore being assigned to individual people, but more of "these are the chores that need done, if you see it needs done - do it." The chore charts now include: doing something you love everyday, learning something new everyday, and getting back to time for our family to enjoy each other. Supper time, is always together, sitting at our dining table and talking to each other. I do try to keep technology away from our supper table, but it's not always possible. I always talk about having a love/hate relationship with technology. I think that will be a continued burr under my saddle, but it has so many benefits that I can not eliminate it(as much as I would like to sometimes!).

I am on a much better path, because I have been real with myself. I am not a "cookie cutter," type of person. I will do the exact opposite of what most people do. I will do what I feel is right, even if it goes against everything everyone else believes. I am raising my kids the way I feel is best...even though it is not being done by the conformist type of standards. I will protect them from ANYTHING I feel is harmful to them, their character, and their spirits. I will support my husband even when we have differing opinions and don't like each other much. He is a good man, a great husband(even though I am hard to handle most of the time!), a great dad, and has always been an excellent provider. I will keep my pictures, letters, and memories of my life before him, I will occasionally talk about them, and I refuse to feel or be made to feel bad about doing so. I am accepting of all my flaws, and all my assets in equal measure. I am who I am, because of the paths I have traveled. I will not feel like less of a person, because I refuse to fit in some proverbial box that goes along with other people believe. I will respect other beliefs as long as my own beliefs are also respected. I won't ask anyone to conform to my beliefs, my way of thinking...and I expect the same respect in return.

It's such an amazing feeling of freedom when you are true to yourself. It's mesmerizing how much weight is lifted when you no longer need/search for acceptance from others. It's so refreshing to know, I am where I am meant to be in life, geography, mind, body and spirit. Sure, life tends to throw some curve balls, but there is no reason to walk away from those curve balls when you still have a fighting chance to hit a home run! I have always been a fighter. I have never given up when life got complicated, and I sure as hell have no intention of doing so now! I am a free spirit, with a gypsy soul. It's basically who I have always been. However, sometimes, you have to explore other paths to know just where you fit or need to be.

For me, I fought my country life for many years. Now, it's become part of my heart and soul. Having the ability to walk a short distance to my gardens, our livestock, and even a small stream; has allowed my soul to fly. It has just taken me a little while to understand and accept that this is how my soul remains a gypsy. I don't want or need the constant upheaval of being a nomad...I need to explore my paths right here. I no longer feel like I am stuck in a world that I don't belong in. I feel like I was placed here to be reminded of the importance of simplicity, and my ancient roots to Mother Earth. I get overwhelmed when I know in my heart that there is so much I can do, and want to do...but financial restraints, time restraints, and responsibilities must all be figured in. The fact is, with a little patience, a little planning, and regular conversations with my husband; allows us to do what we need and want to do...as we can. I need to learn the patience, and I know this has never been a strong suit for me!

Now, I am moving forward. I am accepting all my flaws and my uniqueness; without apology. I am who I am. Accept me or don't, that is your choice. You don't have to agree with me, but you must respect me. I am me, and I won't allow anyone to ever make me feel horrible, again, for being just who I am. I am calm, and comfortable in my unique personality. Welcome to my new view, and soon my new blogs!

Peace be with you,
Salli

Coffee Chat

"The world is ever changing, so why are so many determined to remain the same? The tides shift by the moon, the seasons change every few months. Maybe it's time to be like Mother Nature, and allow the shifts in the tides, allow the seasons to change; whether this is figurative to literal. Roll with the waves!"



What a crazy and odd week! This week has been full of emotional roller coasters, for me. So much insight has found it's way to the forefront of my brain this week...it's been a little overwhelming. When you throw in the chaos that makes up my life right, it's almost enough to drive you batty! Between my own realizations, my crazy life, the news, the weather and trying to be a good friend; it's been a ride this week!

This Coffee Chat Blog, is kind of a shift in the tides, if you will. As I said, this week has been eye opening. There's a lot going on, a lot of emotions I don't really talk to anyone about, a few repressed regrets that I live with daily, but all-in-all, it's been an overall positive and productive week, personally. My own spiritual, and soul growth, is really amazing to look back through. A few years back, an upset in a friendship was the tipping point for me. I had allowed people not worthy of my time, attention, and care; to overpower my own needs and personal well being. Although this was the tipping point, the many years prior had built up to that point. Honestly, I can not and will not place blame on anyone for the point I had gotten to, besides myself. I had allowed myself to slip out of my own confidence, and began questioning my own belief systems, my own value/worth, and allowed resentment and self-pity to take hold of my psyche. Being 6 hours from my family and friends, giving up on one friend I thought I could trust; left me with no one to talk to and no one to help rationalize the dizzying thoughts. I had my husband to talk to through everything, but there is something to be said for a best friend or someone who has known you forever. I have been fortunate to have his support, his shoulders when I finally reached the darkest part of this whole experience, and honestly...his understanding when I began learning more about me, that I didn't know. The hardest part of everything I have dealt with these last few years, has been trying to keep up a facade of being fine, and inside I feel like I am drowning. Trying to keep the smile, the desire to do things when all you want to do is alternate crying, screaming and hitting something.

I really believe the entire world is going through some serious spiritual and soul growth. I don't know about you all, but seeing even the smallest clips of news, is just depressing! I rarely watch television, so for the most part I can ignore it. However, being on social media, tends to bring up topics that have me questioning the lack of common sense as a generalized whole. When you hear about all the battles throughout the world, the greed and corruption of our elected officials, the mud slinging of an election year, everyone being offended by everything, and everyone trying to save everything...it's mind blowing! What happened to our society, what happened to individual responsibilities, what happened to minding your own business? It's complete horse shit, that people living in glass houses are throwing stones. In my eyes, there are these amazing things called the circle of life, a food chain, self responsibility, helping your neighbors and friends, not getting your nose out of joint, and the biggest one(to me anyway), to each their own! Everyone seems to be addicted to television, cellular phones, internet and all things technology related. Television is fueling the ridiculousness of some of the issues, by beautifying stupidity. It has these "reality" series, that are no more real than the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus. You have the dramatic reality shows about little girls being flaunted around in enough make up to choke a mule and the cat fights between the moms. You have the "Real Housewives," series that just makes me sick. You don't even want to get me started about all stupid commercials, medical shows, lack of class of 90% of the female species today. Then you have these "girls" that go from being great role models to being completely out of their ever loving minds! I don't think there is a single finger to point or a direction in which to point it, when it comes to the stupidity and ignorance anymore. It seems to be ramped up right now, in multiple age groups, and multiple "classes." Everyone seems to know everything, and no one wants to consider a different view point without all kinds of harsh criticism for whatever goes against their belief. It's scary to think we have a younger generation strapped with a huge debt before they are even out of school, the "good" jobs I was taught about in high school are no longer in the country, the economy sucks for most people, there seems to be a lack of education on the value of life, a lack of education on innovations, not to mention the ignorance of so many when it comes to understanding financial areas(i.e. interest, loans and credit).

This leads me back to class. I'm not talking poor, middle or wealth. I am talking about proper grammar, dressing appropriately, having a vocabulary that is more than just slang, even so much as to know how to cook, clean, be respectful, and even set a dinner table. The very things, 22 years ago, I was taught at home and in home ec class. How to run a home, how to care for children, how to balance a checkbook, cook a meal, set a table, even making a grocery list! I don't know many kids, or even the generations under 40 years old, that know how to do most of this. I won't tell you I know everything about all of this, I have my own flaws! However, when you have a kid that doesn't know what side of a plate a fork or spoon goes on, it's down right unacceptable. When you have kids that only know running to a store every day for whatever you need for a meal; you are teaching irresponsible financial behavior. Making a grocery list for a week at a time, can save as much as $75 per week. That's $300 each month! Sure, a lot of people don't sit down to regular meals with their families anymore, but that is just another area that in my eyes, is wrong. Everyone today, myself included, runs at a break neck speed. Everyone is so over scheduled, stressed out and having to work 2-3 jobs just to make ends meet, that our family units are breaking down at a record speed. When is the last time you sat down with your family, for a meal? In our house, supper every night, is a family event. Everyone sits together, talks and eats. I try to keep the cell phones out of our meals, but once again, my family is not perfect either. I am fortunate that I am with my kids everyday, and have the benefit of being able to teach them the very things I have mentioned. I also know not everyone is granted that ability. I don't allow my kids to schedule anything without checking to make sure it does not interrupt our family time. In our house, family comes first...above and beyond, everyone and everything else. That is our belief, so that is how we run our household. I can't tell you it's been easy or works all the time...it's not and it doesn't! But these are the values and beliefs we hope to instill in our kids to continue on to their own family someday.

As I have listened to so many friends going through their own soul growths, it's been interesting to me to notice a pattern. It seems there are so many facing some pretty big storms in their lives. From health issues, to feeling lost, to divorces and break ups, to trying to find themselves...it's pretty amazing to listen. (A side note here...it's nice to listen to other people and know that it's not just me having some soul searching times!) It seems to be a pretty repetitive pattern with everyone I have talked to. Everyone is trying to find themselves. Whether this is from playing a role for so long, or because they feel a need to understand a deeper feeling of being driven in one direction or another. Then you just have some of the younger generation that wants to be grown up yet they haven't reached a maturity level to truly be able to treat like a grown up. It's such an amazing time for growth, yet I can't help but wonder how many will actually grow as opposed to using this tremendous time as an excuse to be nothing more than they are today.

I have loved watching the moons, and stars throughout the changing seasons this year. It's mind-boggling to think that the power of the moon can change the tides. With something seemingly millions of miles away, that it can have such an impact here on Earth, with something as big as the oceans. For years I have heard of the effects of a full moon. I always laughed it off, and figured it was wives tale. As I have gotten older, I can tell you, IT'S NOT! As much as the moon can affect the tides, it can affect the personality of people. Don't believe it? Ask any teacher, any nurse or hospital! However, science has broke down into so many sub-categories now, that the first thing I hear when I mention Astrology and Astronomy; is usually negative! Most people today think of Astrology and Astronomy as horoscopes, psychics, and fortune tellers. There is so much more to Astronomy and Astrology than that! For anyone that has lived near a large body of water, they can tell you that the changing moon phases, changes the tides. They know when high tide and low tide are, most because of moon signs. Many of us, watch the Old Farmers Almanac for weather patterns, moon phases, and even weather folklore that most has proven pretty accurate. With this year being such an amazing year for super moons, full moons, planet alignments and obvious individual growth; it's not really a surprise that so many were calling for the end of the world as we knew it, 2 days ago. Religious sectors, and even astrologists were on the line; although very different beliefs, they both believed in a change in consciousnesses. I won't claim to know anything about the religious side, but on the astrology side; it's that shift of consciousness, that is cause people to "soul search." It's a shift, as a collective whole in society, that is stirring the pot. It's that shift that has so many looking for who they are, like being woke up from a several year nap. It's time now for searching our souls, for finding our way back to simplicity. To take responsibilities for our own lives and our own messes.

My own beliefs, have led me away from religion as a whole. There have been too many experiences with religious affiliated people, that are wolves in sheep clothing. I am not going to group everyone who is religious into one group, because they are not all alike! However, my own experiences have changed my view. I don't affiliate with any religion, I don't feel a need to. I pray to whoever may be the grand creator, I have faith that prayers are answered, I believe prayers can be heard from anywhere at any time, and I believe that trying to be the best person you can be - should be everyone's "religion!" I believe that there is a grand creator, and the universal vibrations are sent to us as a guide, when we choose to feel them. I believe in positive energy or vibes, and that all living beings from the grass to animals to humans have a purpose and are in fact, LIVING. I know a lot of my beliefs come from my Native heritage. I believe each of us is connected to our creator through prayer, but also through our beliefs, our connections to Earth and our family. How we treat each other, how we teach our children to respect the Earth that sustains us; separates us. I believe we are all here to grow, heal, and have a mission to do so. I believe we are given the pen to write our own stories, even though there are tests along the way, to force us to grow to the next level. I don't believe in hell or a devil, so to speak. I believe that there are tests along the way, that teach us right from wrong, and honestly feel we live in hell. Just proving ourselves worthy, each day of progressing into a higher level of consciousness as we go. I believe in reincarnation, and spirits living among us. I believe that there are some who have progressed high enough in conscience to be able to see/hear/feel those spirits.

The changing of seasons, has begun for the Autumn Equinox. It's amazing to me how the progression of seasons to Fall, is ultimately a time of dying for the year. The leaves change to beautiful colors, only to fall off the trees, the crops are pulled out of the fields and gardens dry up and die in the colder weather. In all actuality, it's my opinion, that this is not really the case. Just as bears, everything hibernates, not dies. The tress shed their leaves to fertilize the soil for the reawakening in the Spring, just as the grass turns yellow to sleep through the cold months. Nothing is really dying, so much as it's replenishing itself, fertilizing the very soils needed when it begins to warm again, and everything in nature, just simple sleeps through the months of inactivity until a time for growth again. With Autumn being such a spectacular time for amazing colors, and the beauty that helps each of us be reminded of the coming snows; I wish you all continued growth, recognizing the beauty of nature, and preparing for the beauty of a hibernating Mother Earth.

Positive vibes, beautiful energy,
Salli

Struggling

This journey of mine just keeps twisting and turning. I can see the horizon where I want to go, but have no idea how to get there. There are so many detours and road bumps. Just when I find one road that starts to level out, I am halted with another fork in the road and no clear path. Maybe no matter what path I choose, it will lead to that horizon that I am so desperately seeking.



Right now, for every little issue or inconvenience I get worked through, there are 14 more popping up that seem to need immediate attention. I have swept so much under a rug for so long, that now it appears to be too much to handle. I say it appears, because no matter how difficult this journey has been or how many times I want to throw my hands up and give up; that is one thing I do know about myself, I am not someone who will give up. There have been issues that I recognized could not be fixed, and had to let them go. Those, though, I did not give up, they were just out of my control.

I am struggling right now, trying to find my own way. I am not a demanding, materialistic, or a jealous person; so my way of handling most issues is by internalizing everything. I withdraw into my own shell until I feel I have a solution. Right now, there are enough issues, and enough projects that I don't even know where to begin. I have a severe case of scatter brain! I work on so many different projects in a days time, but none of them are ever fully complete. I start on one, and see something that has to be done right away, then I move on to that. Then the kids are yelling for breakfast, snacks, or lunch. Then I bounce from one thing to the next the entire day. It's ridiculous!

This emotional journey I have been on, is exhausting. So many of the issues that have seeped up, has made me edgy. I spent so many years not giving 2 cents to anyone's opinions or letting snarky remarks just roll off(or so I thought). Many of those are popping back up, or new ones are being added and it kind of goes to the quote, "the straw that broke the camel's back." Now, a snarky remark, is sending me into orbit and every snarky remark through the years is just adding fuel to the fire. Every ignorant opinion, or lack of intelligent or educated remark is lighting a fire.

I am the oldest of my siblings, and was always expected to be the "responsible one, and set a good example." You know what, I DID! I did what I was supposed to do. Even the few teenage, rebellious things I did...I was still the responsible one. I was still setting myself on the stringent path of knowing there were younger people watching everything I did and I had to be a good example. I am proud of myself for the strides I made in being that "good example." Finished high school on the honor roll, went to college and got a degree, made a life for myself and by myself. I have continuously improved my education, and have rarely ever asked for help from anyone. I never expect much from anyone, or demand anything from anyone. I am not a wife that has to be up my husband's ass or gets jealous over anything. I am raising my kids to the best of my knowledge and in the way I feel is best. My entire life from about the age of 10, has been spent with the expectation of being "responsible and a good example." Where did that get me? Well, honestly, I am glad to be responsible and even though some days I would like to shake that label and just let go, I have and continue to do the "responsible thing and set the best example" possible. The rolls we are expected to play, and the expectations that are placed on us, are sometimes more than should be. I do understand that parents try to do what is best for the kids, usually. Each of us is just a product of our up bringing. Some use it as a crutch while others use it to better themselves. I know that some have perfect role models.

Many times through the last few years, I have asked what I ever did to deserve some of the treatment, snarky remarks, back stabbing, or horrible behaviors. For basically 30 years, I have followed my own path even while trying to be a good example to my siblings. I have experienced divorce for myself. I have experienced failure, monumental growth, been through some extreme highs and some extreme lows, and ALWAYS persevered. I always found a way to move on from whatever was not serving me, or didn't fit into my goals. As I have said before, I have extremely high expectations for myself. Not a single expectation is beyond my reach though. Usually, I have been able to set my sights on what and where I wanted to go, and set goals to get there. Right now though, I am just happy to get through a day without any major issues. I can't seem to meet my goals, can't seem to find my determination to get motivated, and honestly...I can't even find the energy to care if I meet them or not.

I know that I need to take some time to get the thoughts ricocheting through my head out, but how do you do that with the constant demands of a family? How do you take what you know you need, when the resources aren't there? How do you do what you know you need to do, when you know the backlash is going to be as bad or worse than what you are already dealing with? Where do you begin to seek the release you need, when the very need to it scares the hell out of you? How do you begin to start putting pieces back together again, when all the pieces look identical? How can you search for something to bring light back to your eyes, when you can't even get 5 minutes without noise?

I don't know where to begin. I am not trusting enough or demanding enough to seek out a willing ear. That has led to too many issues already. It's like being stuck in a whirlpool. You just keep spinning and once in a awhile you pop through the surface to know which directions is up, but no matter what you do, you just can't break through the current to the calmer waters. I am tired. I'm tired of the constant struggle, tired of constantly guarding my tongue to avoid other people's wrath, tired of trying to be everything for everyone else and not having anyone there for me. I'm exhausted. Knowing there is no one that can hear me. Sure there are a few that will listen, but for someone to actually hear me, and understand these are not just passing thoughts. These are thoughts I am and have been dealing with all day, everyday, and some for a lot of years. It's becoming harder to put on the fake smile, put on the hats of Mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend. It's becoming more difficult to accept that for many people, I will never fit their expectations. Then knowing at the same time, I just want to be me and be happy, even if no one else likes what that entails.

I don't ask for much. I'm pretty low maintenance. I am not a big jewelry fan, not into shopping(unless it's a home improvement store), I don't want new/high end furniture or vehicles, I love to travel but will not fly. I don't demand anyone's attention, time or anything else. I am not offended by other opinions even if they differ from mine, and will be respectful to those that respect mine. I still have enough self-respect that I am not a jealous person. I love an intelligent conversation but tune out the ones that can quote the media word for word.

I am honestly pretty simple. I love my kids! I love their curiosity, their openness, their free thinking/open mindedness. I even love their energy, even though sometimes I wish they would share! I love to garden and experiment with growing methods, I love to take pictures, I love to be out in nature - preferable someplace with trees and water, I love to build things, design things, and repurpose things. I love to take time to stroll through places and find the hidden treasures. I believe in miracles, magic and the possibilities of the unknown. I love to see people happy, succeeding, and empowered by things that drive them. I love to research! I love exploring ideas, searching out more information, and reading the scientific data that is available on different ideas. I love to be around people who aren't afraid to consider the possibilities of the unknown, that aren't afraid to dive into an idea and are intelligent enough to know there is so much that is untouched by human minds. I love and need quiet time! I need time to center myself, and let the peace of nothingness envelope me. I love music. Music is my way, many times, of expressing what I can't always put words to. I love to dance. Actually, that has always been an outlet for me. It's my time to let go, to allow my love of music and movement to clear my head. I love yoga and meditation. Both have given me an occasionally means of finding solid ground when I can't seem to by any other means.

I have been struggling for a little while now. I know I will pull myself out of this, just as I have pulled myself out of everything else. Right now, it's still a little intimidating. Right now, there are so many things that have reached the surface, all at once, that it's overwhelming. I know I need to make some time for me right now. I know that everything will play out as its intended to. It just becomes a bit much, when there just isn't enough hours in the day, to accomplish what needs accomplished. I am stronger than this and more determined than all of this. I just need to find some solid ground to work with again. I am sending positive vibes to the Universe to help guide me, and the rest is up to me.

Positive Vibes,
Salli