Struggling

This journey of mine just keeps twisting and turning. I can see the horizon where I want to go, but have no idea how to get there. There are so many detours and road bumps. Just when I find one road that starts to level out, I am halted with another fork in the road and no clear path. Maybe no matter what path I choose, it will lead to that horizon that I am so desperately seeking.



Right now, for every little issue or inconvenience I get worked through, there are 14 more popping up that seem to need immediate attention. I have swept so much under a rug for so long, that now it appears to be too much to handle. I say it appears, because no matter how difficult this journey has been or how many times I want to throw my hands up and give up; that is one thing I do know about myself, I am not someone who will give up. There have been issues that I recognized could not be fixed, and had to let them go. Those, though, I did not give up, they were just out of my control.

I am struggling right now, trying to find my own way. I am not a demanding, materialistic, or a jealous person; so my way of handling most issues is by internalizing everything. I withdraw into my own shell until I feel I have a solution. Right now, there are enough issues, and enough projects that I don't even know where to begin. I have a severe case of scatter brain! I work on so many different projects in a days time, but none of them are ever fully complete. I start on one, and see something that has to be done right away, then I move on to that. Then the kids are yelling for breakfast, snacks, or lunch. Then I bounce from one thing to the next the entire day. It's ridiculous!

This emotional journey I have been on, is exhausting. So many of the issues that have seeped up, has made me edgy. I spent so many years not giving 2 cents to anyone's opinions or letting snarky remarks just roll off(or so I thought). Many of those are popping back up, or new ones are being added and it kind of goes to the quote, "the straw that broke the camel's back." Now, a snarky remark, is sending me into orbit and every snarky remark through the years is just adding fuel to the fire. Every ignorant opinion, or lack of intelligent or educated remark is lighting a fire.

I am the oldest of my siblings, and was always expected to be the "responsible one, and set a good example." You know what, I DID! I did what I was supposed to do. Even the few teenage, rebellious things I did...I was still the responsible one. I was still setting myself on the stringent path of knowing there were younger people watching everything I did and I had to be a good example. I am proud of myself for the strides I made in being that "good example." Finished high school on the honor roll, went to college and got a degree, made a life for myself and by myself. I have continuously improved my education, and have rarely ever asked for help from anyone. I never expect much from anyone, or demand anything from anyone. I am not a wife that has to be up my husband's ass or gets jealous over anything. I am raising my kids to the best of my knowledge and in the way I feel is best. My entire life from about the age of 10, has been spent with the expectation of being "responsible and a good example." Where did that get me? Well, honestly, I am glad to be responsible and even though some days I would like to shake that label and just let go, I have and continue to do the "responsible thing and set the best example" possible. The rolls we are expected to play, and the expectations that are placed on us, are sometimes more than should be. I do understand that parents try to do what is best for the kids, usually. Each of us is just a product of our up bringing. Some use it as a crutch while others use it to better themselves. I know that some have perfect role models.

Many times through the last few years, I have asked what I ever did to deserve some of the treatment, snarky remarks, back stabbing, or horrible behaviors. For basically 30 years, I have followed my own path even while trying to be a good example to my siblings. I have experienced divorce for myself. I have experienced failure, monumental growth, been through some extreme highs and some extreme lows, and ALWAYS persevered. I always found a way to move on from whatever was not serving me, or didn't fit into my goals. As I have said before, I have extremely high expectations for myself. Not a single expectation is beyond my reach though. Usually, I have been able to set my sights on what and where I wanted to go, and set goals to get there. Right now though, I am just happy to get through a day without any major issues. I can't seem to meet my goals, can't seem to find my determination to get motivated, and honestly...I can't even find the energy to care if I meet them or not.

I know that I need to take some time to get the thoughts ricocheting through my head out, but how do you do that with the constant demands of a family? How do you take what you know you need, when the resources aren't there? How do you do what you know you need to do, when you know the backlash is going to be as bad or worse than what you are already dealing with? Where do you begin to seek the release you need, when the very need to it scares the hell out of you? How do you begin to start putting pieces back together again, when all the pieces look identical? How can you search for something to bring light back to your eyes, when you can't even get 5 minutes without noise?

I don't know where to begin. I am not trusting enough or demanding enough to seek out a willing ear. That has led to too many issues already. It's like being stuck in a whirlpool. You just keep spinning and once in a awhile you pop through the surface to know which directions is up, but no matter what you do, you just can't break through the current to the calmer waters. I am tired. I'm tired of the constant struggle, tired of constantly guarding my tongue to avoid other people's wrath, tired of trying to be everything for everyone else and not having anyone there for me. I'm exhausted. Knowing there is no one that can hear me. Sure there are a few that will listen, but for someone to actually hear me, and understand these are not just passing thoughts. These are thoughts I am and have been dealing with all day, everyday, and some for a lot of years. It's becoming harder to put on the fake smile, put on the hats of Mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend. It's becoming more difficult to accept that for many people, I will never fit their expectations. Then knowing at the same time, I just want to be me and be happy, even if no one else likes what that entails.

I don't ask for much. I'm pretty low maintenance. I am not a big jewelry fan, not into shopping(unless it's a home improvement store), I don't want new/high end furniture or vehicles, I love to travel but will not fly. I don't demand anyone's attention, time or anything else. I am not offended by other opinions even if they differ from mine, and will be respectful to those that respect mine. I still have enough self-respect that I am not a jealous person. I love an intelligent conversation but tune out the ones that can quote the media word for word.

I am honestly pretty simple. I love my kids! I love their curiosity, their openness, their free thinking/open mindedness. I even love their energy, even though sometimes I wish they would share! I love to garden and experiment with growing methods, I love to take pictures, I love to be out in nature - preferable someplace with trees and water, I love to build things, design things, and repurpose things. I love to take time to stroll through places and find the hidden treasures. I believe in miracles, magic and the possibilities of the unknown. I love to see people happy, succeeding, and empowered by things that drive them. I love to research! I love exploring ideas, searching out more information, and reading the scientific data that is available on different ideas. I love to be around people who aren't afraid to consider the possibilities of the unknown, that aren't afraid to dive into an idea and are intelligent enough to know there is so much that is untouched by human minds. I love and need quiet time! I need time to center myself, and let the peace of nothingness envelope me. I love music. Music is my way, many times, of expressing what I can't always put words to. I love to dance. Actually, that has always been an outlet for me. It's my time to let go, to allow my love of music and movement to clear my head. I love yoga and meditation. Both have given me an occasionally means of finding solid ground when I can't seem to by any other means.

I have been struggling for a little while now. I know I will pull myself out of this, just as I have pulled myself out of everything else. Right now, it's still a little intimidating. Right now, there are so many things that have reached the surface, all at once, that it's overwhelming. I know I need to make some time for me right now. I know that everything will play out as its intended to. It just becomes a bit much, when there just isn't enough hours in the day, to accomplish what needs accomplished. I am stronger than this and more determined than all of this. I just need to find some solid ground to work with again. I am sending positive vibes to the Universe to help guide me, and the rest is up to me.

Positive Vibes,
Salli